I couldn't control this. I knew as far as that.
But that little part of me -- the one that screamed in agony that none of this was right, that it was time to fight rather than reform -- thought differently.
We don't know or care whose to blame...
It wanted to defy those words that Edward had left me...those piercing, wretched words. "Leave," He had said, eyes stone cold, narrowed into tight slits. "Forget about me. Forget about...h-her. /Please/." His face pleaded for one last time, eyes turning into the slightest of gold, before disappearing into the South American rain forest.
I stared and stood, watching...waiting.../hoping/ that he'd return. That it was simply another trick, another of his attempts to mess with my mind.
Hope, for the first time, failed me.
...but we know that whoever holds the reins...
My instincts had told me to run after him and to drag him where he rightfully belongs. The future, that I oh so wrongly depended on, I tried to look into...but /he/ had changed it. A slate of nothingness stood behind my eyelids, blatantly telling me that it was over. I had to move on, how much of our kind had done. But, I couldn't.
He had left me still needing him to be..../there/...at my side, giving me the logic within any situation, sharing the gift that I could sometime never understand. I couldn't leave him to be somewhere where he didn't belong...
...but, I couldn't let the words that /I/ had left him with to be nothing.
/That/ promise kept me grounded. It was that part of me that kept me in our new 'home', in the outskirts of the Big Apple.../that/ part was becoming significantly smaller.
...nothing will change...our cause has gone insane...
My tiny fingers rubbed at my temples, thoughts of it all stirring the small bits of sanity that I had left into an endless tunnel of utter darkness that never seemed to lighten. I kept loosing myself in it...but it felt safe. It was better than the clearness that surrounded me; it was far too breaking to know that all that had happened, had truly occurred.
The sole thing that kept me secure was the arms of my lover. His gift was an utter sin to behold...easily, he drained me with tranquility, calmness, peace. It felt far too good to refuse...
...I wished full heartily, though, that I had refused to take what he kept giving me. I grew dependent on it. Far too.
...And these wars they can't be won...
Jazz had his night classes. It tested his resistance to blood and....it tested my control over my own emotions. Alone, with Esme, Emmett, and Rosalie out hunting and Carlisle and Jasper up at the college, I let my slim fingers grasp onto a nearby book. Laying back against the spot that I sat upon the small nook that Jasper had constructed the week before, I began to skim through the pages. The words went through me as my eyes glazed.
Glazed to a blurry state....I felt my hands grip against the edges, tearing...nearly tearing....
//...Bella had her toes curled, flinging off of the steep, granite hill. A near bloodcurdling scream that Alice heard not before in the years of her existence, eroded through Bella's pale lips. As if it were opening up for her death, she sliced easily through the pitch dark waters.....//
I stirred back, wide eyed and stiff.
"Bella."
It was the first time that I saw her in months...so clearly, so bluntly in still in pain. The last time that I had seen her she was staring blankly at the window of her room; Edward had seen it as well, then, telling me that she was only going through a phase, that she'd get over him quickly.
Only if he knew now that it isn't...wasn't....
...And these wars they can't be won...
I moved quickly then. Abandoning my literature that I hadn't sought the title of when I picked it up, I flipped my legs over the bed of pillows, sitting up, alert, ready. But for what? To tell the news that the one soul that had and still had the opportunity to save the sanity of our one Edward wasn't around any longer to my family? I couldn't. Shouldn't.
That girl was an utter fool, so much like her counterpart. Leaping off a cliff to end it all....how was Charlie going to react? How was she going to let Edward know? Should she let Edward know? Perhaps the unknown was better than the truth; he'd get over it easier...
....no, no, no....
And do you want them to go on, on and on?
I was thinking like him. I couldn't keep my mindset in the way that he had his. Clearing my mind as I did when he was around, I moved swiftly to my closet. I was in a rush; I needed to leave quickly...help, somehow. If I couldn't have control over any of this, but I could at least be a comfort. A helper in the...plans.
My hands roamed through the mass of bags for the latest one that I had used, snatching quickly to my wallet. I pranced towards the night stand next to Jasper's side of the bed, grabbing with my slim fingers to my passport...and the others. I couldn't bare to let them follow. I'd return. Surely.
I had to leave something behind, especially for Jasper's nerves. Sliding a pen through my fingers, I opened a new sheet to Jasper's notebook...but what was I to say? How could I dare to tell him where I was headed to? He'd become strict after the tolls that the family had gone through in the mere, brutal months...refusing to stress me more than I already was, keeping me at bay, calm. I left three words behind me: 'Be back later.' I'd leave him a call when I brought my nerves to do so.
Moving swiftly, quickly, I tugged a scarf around my slightly tussled hair. I sprung towards the stairs, sliding down the banister in a single movement. I took a step off the end, running into a scent that I wanted not to come to...
"Where are /you/ going?"
Why split these states when there can be only one?
Those golden eyes stared wide...was that worry?
"Nowhere," I stammered, squeezing myself around her, averting my eyes away. "A walk. Just a...walk."
She was too quick for that. Her hand squeezed my shoulder, and I turned, curling a brow to her blond ones. "Rosalie," I fell too quickly to that stare of hers...it was demanding, always. I could ignore it...could, but I needed to say something. Needed to speak out.
Rosalie beat me to it, her eyes seeming to widen with each word, voice low, seemingly steady. "You look like you've seen a ghost, Alice. What happened? Did you see --?" I knew that she was referring to him; she knew that I still kept an eye on him, even though he tried relentlessly to keep his future blank, dark.
I shook my head, gnawing on my bottom lip. "I saw.../her/." I could feel her confusion, brows twisting. "Bella."
"And---?" Her eyes seem to relax-- as if this didn't matter? It had been months since I had seen her...I hadn't tried to look; I had promised to leave it alone, and that I did. This came all of a sudden...
"She j-jumped," I bluntly let out, speaking more to myself than to her. The words confirmed what I already knew, making it true..."Off a cliff. She just...leaped. I need to go help...." I pushed my way around her, stepping out onto the threshold of the house. I could hear Rosalie's lips part dryly, ready to speak...
I ran. The wind whisking through my hair, I ran....
And must we do as we're told?
And must we do as we're told?