Title: Give Love a Chance

Author: Erika

Summary: Their dream can become a reality. Mark/Roger slash. RR. T for non-graphic sex.

Rating: T for the man-schmex

Disclaimer: The late, great Jonathan Larson owns all the rights to RENT and all characters from RENT. I own nothing, not even the picture of perfection that is Anthony Rapp. The song "Under Pressure" is copyrighted to David Bowie and Queen.

Author's Note: Yes, I know it takes months to show whether one has HIV, but please, for the sake of the story, allow me to take creative license. Thank you :D

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i. pressure pushing down on me

Mark has always done well under pressure. When Roger is in need, Mark is expected to be there. When Maureen needs him to repair her equipment, Mark is expected to help. He knows his place, he knows where his friends place him in their lives. He is the confidante, the play toy, the enemy, the friend. For others, all this pressure to be what people expect them to be might be too much to handle. But Mark has had years of practice in perfecting the mask he hides behind. Or the camera, rather. A smile from Mark can brighten a room, but Mark's day gets dimmer every time he fakes that happiness. His only safe haven is behind the lens.

Unless Roger is with him. With anyone else, Mark allows himself to become numb. Roger knows this, and Mark knows he knows. With Roger, Mark feels. With Roger, Mark feels safe, like nothing can touch him or hurt him, which, he often muses, is quite ironic. When Mark is with Roger, he remembers why he is still alive. But Roger will also be his downfall. Mark would lay his life down if it meant he could help Roger. When he dreams, he pictures a life in which Roger is free from AIDS, free from pain, free to live. Mark only wants the best for Roger. That is why the money he earns, the food he buys, the emotion he feels is all for Roger.

ii. watching some good friends scream, "let me out"

Roger has always been good at being angry. He had been angry when April had killed herself. He thought she was coward until he found the note. "We have AIDS." He had been angry that three simple words had had the power to change his entire life. He had been angry when Mark had forced him into withdrawal. He had been furious when Angel died. He hadn't understood how such an amazing person could die from such a terrible disease. He had been angry when Mimi started using the drugs again, so soon after their reconciliation. Mark had desperately tried to get Roger out of the loft so that he wouldn't drown himself in self-pity. It only took two months.

But most of all, Roger is angry that he watches his best friend, the man who'd seen him through the chills and the violence and the hateful words, the man who always makes sure he takes his meds, the man he loves--yes, Roger muses, he loves Mark. Mark has always been there for him, without fail, after all--fall apart, little by little each day and does nothing about it. He sees the pain etched on Mark's face when the filmmaker thinks he's not watching. But Roger is always watching, always noticing the flickers of regret and sadness on the young man's face, the silent reach for help just to get through this life, to deal with the knowledge that he will be the one to survive. Roger wishes he could do something. But he doesn't know where to begin.

iii. pray tomorrow takes me higher

Most nights, Mark lies awake in bed, just listening to Roger strum his guitar in the next room. After Roger had permanently broken things off with Mimi, Mark had come to the realization that the reason he can feel with Roger is because he equates Roger with love. Roger is Mark's reason for living, Roger is the air Mark breathes. Roger is Mark's entire world. So Mark turns in early and crawls onto the mattress because sometimes he just can't take being in the same room with Roger when he knows nothing could ever happen. Roger loves him, Mark knows this, but he could never be in love with him. It is an empty dream that Mark will see when he closes his eyes, wishing that the next day will be a better day. It never is.

When Mark wakes up, the first thing he sees after he puts on his glasses is his camera. He stares at the antique for at least five minutes before taking it in his hands and starting his day with the wind of a handle. He walks into the living room to find Roger sitting on the table, guitar in hand, as expected. They exchange a nod, Mark reminds Roger to take his AZT, and the blonde leaves the loft for another day of filming what people call life. That is the routine. Mark is desperate to break it, but he knows the only way that will happen will be if Roger initiates the change. Mark wants more. But he has never been good with change.

iv. it's the terror of knowing what this world is about

Most nights, when Roger is plucking at his guitar, he wonders what life might be like if he had the courage to tell Mark how he felt. "I'm writing one last song before I..." he sings softly. Before I die. Those are the words that will always haunt him. He looks to Mark's door, which is always open just a crack, and just thinks. Give in to love or live in fear. Roger doesn't know how long he can go on pretending, but he is afraid to take that one step. Roger has always hated cowards, and he hates himself for not allowing himself to pursue the one person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. If he lies to himself, Roger can justify his hesitation by saying that Mark could never love him, that he doesn't want to risk passing HIV to Mark, that he doesn't want to risk losing Mark. But the truth his, he's just afraid. Forget regret or life is yours to miss. It's a manta Roger could never live by.

Every day, Roger wishes he could take Mark in his arms so they could share a passionate kiss. That would change everything, Roger thinks to himself. He watches Mark give him another forced smile, watches him cradling his camera, watches him as he leaves without eating. Mark is getting thin. Roger is running out of time. Roger wants to hold Mark, kiss him, stroke his hair, whisper sweet nothings in his ear... Roger wants to make Mark's pain disappear, and that would require him to step out of his shell. Roger wants to be with Mark. But he has never been good with love.

v. it never rains but it pours

Mark loves the rain. He loves sitting by the window, watching the lighting and reveling in the sound of thunder while Roger plays a song, most likely Musetta's Waltz, next to him. These are the times Mark and Roger can share in a comfortable silence, the times when best friends can forget all the animosity that has ever come between them. Mark loves these times because the rain helps him let down his walls. The rain helps him feel free to be himself. The rain brings him closer to Roger. Sometimes, Mark closes his eyes and leans his forehead against the window, feeling the beat of the rain against the glass, and pictures himself in Roger's arms. The image is imprinted in his mind, and it evokes a genuine smile. It will never happen. But he can dream.

vi. turned away from it all like a blind man

Roger loves the cold. Even though things get tough in the loft during the winter, he loves watching the snow fall to the ground while frost creeps across the windows. More often than not, Mark is downstairs filming while Roger watches from above. The snow collects in Mark's hair, and Roger can see him shivering in his ratty old jacket, even from a distance. He needs a new coat, Roger reminds himself every year. Every year he fails to do anything about it because he knows Mark would rather spend the day freezing outside than have Roger spend any money on him. Roger would love nothing more than to join Mark downstairs, to force the filmmaker to put down the camera and pick up a snowball, then battle until Roger pounced on the blonde, straddling his waist, and he would lean down until his lips met Mark's... But Mark insists that for the sake of his health, Roger should stay inside. Roger knows he's right. But he can dream.

vii. keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn

Mark doesn't know how it started. It had happened so quickly. It was just another morning, he had been going through the motions of his usual routine. But instead of walking out of the loft like he usually did, he felt a tight grasp on his arm turn him around. Before any words could be said, Roger's lips were crashing against his own. As soon as the kiss had begun, it ended. The tension in the air was palpable as the roommates stared at each other. Mark's eyes were glued to Roger's, and he wondered if his own gaze was filled with as much love and lust as his best friend's. He lunged forward, his lips hungrily moving against Roger's, and the musician quickly pushed Mark toward his bedroom. Mark's heart was racing as his sweater was nearly ripped off his body, knocking his glasses off his face at the same time. He shivered as Roger's calloused fingers ran themselves up and down his sides and back. The pair fell back against Roger's bed, both panting as Roger worked at removing Mark's pants, then his own clothes.

Go slow.

Mark had never felt anything as amazing as the moment Roger entered him. Mark's dream had come true, and he grinned in ecstasy as he moved his hips in time with Roger's thrusts. Hearing Roger whisper his name sent Mark to Cloud 9, and he couldn't imagine a moment more perfect.

I love you.

They came. Mark shuddered as Roger rode his orgasm out, burying his head in the crook of Roger's shoulder.

I love you, too.

Another real smile. Mark purred as Roger placed gentle kisses on his lightly freckled shoulders, lacing their fingers together. And then, the world seemed to stop.

viii. we're breaking

Roger knows exactly how it ended. It had happened so quickly. The moments after making love to Mark for the first time had been so elating. Until he had remembered one very important and very forgotten detail. Instead of continuing with leaving a trail of kisses down Mark's body, he suddenly pulled out of the man beneath him without warning, all Roger could do was stare down at Mark's bare body. He took a moment to really take it in, the jutting rips, the bony hips, the ruffled hair, the confusion in those deep blue eyes. And it took all Roger to hold back his tears.

Condom.

The fear that flashed in Mark's eyes had been clear to Roger, but everything else became a blur. Sitting against Mark's bedroom door, Roger regrets what he can remember. Fleeing from the bed as though it had been Mark's fault that the condom had been forgotten, the yelling, banishing Mark from his room... Roger cringes. He tries again to call out to Mark, to knock on Mark's door, to apologize, but all attempts he makes are ignored.

I love you.

The words had been so perfect, the timing so right. But now, the world seemed to have come to a stop.

ix. love dares you to care

Mark has always been an expert at hiding his emotions. When Maureen had broken up with him, Mark acted as though they'd never had a relationship in the first place. When Angel died, he hadn't shed a single tear. But with Roger, the heartbreak had been too much. The time he would normally have spent filming became dedicated to sobbing in his locked room. Knocks on the door went unnoticed, Roger's pleading went ignored, his camera went forgotten. Mark hates himself for being so stupid, for making Roger upset. But he doesn't regret it. Forget regret, that's what Angel always said. Mark loves Roger, and he knows now that Roger loves him the same way. But he isn't sure that Roger would want him now. He isn't sure that he'll be alive long enough for Roger to want him.

x. love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves

Roger has never felt so sure of his place in life. It takes a week for Roger to finally coax Mark out of his room. When the filmmaker finally emerges, Roger wants to fall to his knees and beg Mark for forgiveness. Mark is thinner and paler from his time away from the real world, and Roger is tempted to throw the smaller man over his shoulder and march him to the hospital. Instead, he suggests that Mark visit the clinic to get tested. He is relieved when Mark asks him to come.

As they sit in the waiting room, Roger glances at Mark, who doesn't move a muscle. On a whim, Roger reaches out to take Mark's hand, and Mark looks up at him, surprised but seemingly pleased. They haven't spoken a word about "that day." They are both too afraid of what might come of it. But Roger realizes in the moment he takes Mark's hand that Mark is the one in need now. Mark needs Roger to take care of him, to hold him, to comfort him, to do everything Roger has ever wanted to do for Mark. So when Mark's name is called, Roger pulls Mark in for a tight hug and whispers that every will be all right. At that moment, it is the best he can do. And it seems to be enough for Mark.

xi. give love one more chance

Mark has never felt so sure of what he has been missing in life. The results from the test had come back negative, and Mark had never felt so relieved in his life. Roger had been ecstatic, even going as far as to pick Mark up and twirl him around. After putting him down, Roger moves to pull away, but Mark knows a miracle when it happens, and pulls Roger back toward him to place a soft kiss on the musician's lips. Roger's green eyes widen to the size of saucers, and Mark laughs.

Do you love me?

The question is innocent, and Mark needs to know. He needs to know how he is going to live his life from now on.

More than anyone.

Mark knows he won't be able to let Roger make love to him again. He trusts Roger, but he's not sure if he trusts himself. So when Roger cups his cheek, Mark nestles against his lover's hand and places another kiss on Roger's lips. At that moment, it is the best he can do. And it seems to be enough for Roger.

fin