Silently Screaming
"I'm just a little concerned for the both of you, being a teenager is hard enough as it is, let alone throwing a pregnancy into the mix" I stopped dead in my track as these words left Tony's mouth, was this some kind of sick joke. It was bad enough Leigh was here, but now she was pregnant, with Lucas's child. My mind went blank; I just turned and walked away as fast as I could without running. My heart felt as if it was caught in my throat and I physically felt sick. I could hear Cassie and Ric running behind me, while Lucas made a pathetic attempt to stop me. Marching through the living room into the kitchen, I span, around to face Cassie and Ric.
"How could he do this to me? How could he? I hate him!" Tears brimmed my eyes, as I looked at them, both sending me sympathetic looks. How could Lucas do this to me? I loved him; I thought he loved me to. My heart was beating at an ecstatic rate by now, and my head was pounding. Half of me was angry at Lucas for doing this to me, but half of me was breaking down inside, who was I kidding I was damaged goods, and I didn't care what Cassie or Ric said.
"All the lies he told me, and I believed him? How much of an idiot does that make me?" I said running a hand through my hand throwing it back out of my face. My anger and sadness was slowly changing into self hatred, hatred of myself for looking the way I did, for allowing myself to believe he would ever love me.
"No you're not the idiot Lucas is" Cassie tried to explain, but I wasn't interested in listening, she was only trying to make me feel better, but I had to face the facts.
"I thought that he still loved me… we always said we wanted to be each others firsts, but now…" I couldn't even finish my sentence, my heart felt like it was trying to jump out of my throat, and my stomach was ripping itself to pieces.
"Maddie I know it hurts…I'm so sorry" what how could Cassie know what I was feeling, she had Ric, someone who loved and cared about her. She didn't know how it feels to have your feelings shoved back in your face, she didn't know anything.
"I knew all along he didn't care about me…and why would he? Why would anyone" I replied in a life less distance tone, I just had to admit it to myself, no matter how much it hurt. Cassie face turned as did Ric's they looked horrified at my accusation and Cassie was the first to object to it.
"What don't ever say that" Cassie gasped, the look on her face was enough to make me turn away, it hurt, but it was true.
"I mean nothing to him, because I am nothing" I replied before making my exit and walking off upstairs, to bask in the emptiness and hatred I now felt.
It must have been a few hours later, that I finally came down from my room, by this time everyone was out. Lucas was probably with Leigh, thinking off baby names and cooing over her, I thought to myself sickeningly. Walking through the living room I stopped and glanced around, looking at all the photos on the mantle piece. Mum, me, Kit, Scott, Robbie, Henry, Lucas, Jack, Tony all of us, back when life was simple. Then behind the photo frames, was one photo, a photo of us and dad, I was the reason everything bad had happened in my life. My dad had told me before, nobody liked me and it was true, nobody did they just put up with me for the sake of it. These thoughts ran through my head as I looked over at the dining table, mum had been baking again. Coconut sprinkled napoleons, mum's speciality. Walking over to them I broke a tiny piece off and chewed it softly. I'd comfort eat every now and again but this was different, in a matter of minutes I'd managed to eat the entire plate full. Looking down at the empty plate, it began to sink in what I'd just done and I began to feel ill. Running to the kitchen sink I forced my fingers down my throat, making myself puke up everything I'd just eaten. Coughing up the last of it, I swilled my mouth with water, before going back to retrieve the empty plate. If they found out about this, it would just give them another excuse to hate me and I didn't need to give them anymore.
A few weeks later this was becoming a regular thing for me, stuffing my face before throwing it all back up. And every time I did this, I felt guiltier and guiltier as I was wasting food. I wanted to stop, but I was too scared to ask for help, scared they hate me more. So I kept my binging habits secret, eating whenever they weren't around and then throwing up. It was hard to keep it from them, and I had quite a few close calls of them finding out, but I managed to keep it under wraps.
Two days later I found myself in front of the downstairs mirror, starring aimlessly at my reflection. Pulling down my top a little, I carefully peeled back the white bandaging. Tears pricked my eyes as I pulled the bandage slowly away from the skin, as I bent it back, my eyes widened. My skin was red raw, it looked as if someone had attacked me with a scrubbing brush. Bringing my hand up to my face, I felt the tears roll uncontrollably down my face, as I replaced the bandage. Walking into the kitchen I looked at the fridge, but instead of going to it, as I would normally do. I slid down the side of the cupboard, pulling my legs up to my chest. My crying didn't go unheard for long, as Lucas came home, his eyes full of concern as he knelt down beside me.
"Maddie? Hey Maddie what's wrong?" he asked wrapping his arm around me, we seemed to sit there for what seemed hours, silently, the only sounds where of the clock ticking and my quiet sniffles.