The Heroes Parody Project (3)
Disclaimer: This fan fiction is based of the NBC television show, 'Heroes'. Heroes is copyright Tim Kring, NBC, and the rest. I am not nor do I represent any of the cast or crew involved with the show and it is written solely for entertainment purposes only, that and it gives the author something to do between meals. Reader Discretion is advised.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 'The Lounge', we have comedy, music, and anything else to entertain you while you pound down some overprices drinks.
The audience cheers.
Announcer: Our first act for tonight, fresh from New York City….the comedy stylings of Matt Parkman!
In the audience sit Niki and Peter…..and Claire.
Peter: Who is underage!
Claire: Shut up, Peter! I turn 21 in like….a few months!
Peter: I'm so telling on you….
Matt walks on stage.
Matt: Heeey! Everyone, how's it hanging?
A man raises his hand.
Matt: Please don't answer that…..are you guys ready to laugh!?
Niki: Yawn….(Rolls eyes)
Matt: Okay, stop me if you heard this one. A family of Tomatoes are walking along, the baby tomato is falling a bit behind. The father Tomato squashes the baby tomato with his fist and says "Hey….CATCHUP!"…..HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
-Crickets-
Woman: Tomatoes don't have fists!!!
Matt: Uh…….Okay…..How about this one. Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Man, it sure is hot in here!". To which the other muffin replied "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"….HA!
-Cough-
Matt: Ooookay…….A Nun, Willy Wonka, and Juan Valdez walk into a bar…
Man: YOU SUCK!
-BOOOOO!-
Some crap gets thrown at Matt as he runs off stage.
Niki: Well, that was quick.
Announcer: Okay….that was the comedy bit…..wow….okay, who's ready for some music?
Audience cheers.
Announcer: The newest single from their latest CD, 'So Extraordinary'….
Niki: Oh god….
Announcer: I present to you….'Matt and The Professor'…..wait, wasn't this guy just on?
Mohinder walks out and takes a seat at the piano. Matt follows, grabbing a microphone, followed by a ton of feedback and screams.
Matt (singing): Sky rockets in flight….Afternoon delight!
Matt slides himself on top of the piano, shortly before crashing through the middle of it.
Mohinder: AHH! Your rear end crushed through my grand piano!
Matt: It's my 'Winnie The Pooh' nightmare all over again! That bear is the bane of my existence!
Mohinder: You ruined my piano, Matt!
Matt: Oh bother….at least I have my pot of honey for my rumbly tumbly…(puts his hand in the honey pot)
Mohinder stares at Matt, raising an eyebrow. The realization setting in…..
Matt: ……DAMMIT!!!
Niki stands up, she is the only one applauding.
Volume Seven 'Prophecies'
Peter opens his eyes. He is not too sure where he is, in what appears to be an unfamiliar room. He gets up and walks around, snooping through a few of the files on the desk.
Peter: Boring….boring….boring…..
Voice: AHEM!
Peter screams and hops onto a nearby chair. He looks down and sees Speedster Daphne Millbrook.
Peter: Wow, Elle, sportin the short hair, huh?....Well, I likey!
Daphne: I'm not Elle, you doofus! Now get down from there….we have work to discuss.
Peter: ……Well, I'll be a snake in a pickle barrel, it's Daphne!
Daphne: Good to see…..wait….huh?
Peter: I haven't seen you since Season 3….man, we sure did have some good times together.
-----------
Director: CUT! That's a wrap, people!....
Peter and Daphne make their way to the catering table.
Peter: Yes! They finally gave us Ding Dongs!
He grabs one and crams it into his mouth. Daphne walks away.
-----------
Daphne: ……
Peter: ….That wasn't a very good flashback…..
Daphne: Duh…..anyway, we need to get moving. We'll be partners in this operation.
Peter: Uh….how about some answers?
Daphne: Shoot.
Peter: Where are we?
Daphne (starting to walk off): It's not a matter of 'Where are we'…
Peter (to himself): Please don't say it…
Daphne: It's a matter of 'When are we'…
Peter: CRAP! I was hoping you wouldn't say that….
Daphne: The year is 2010.
Peter: Great, now we'll…..wait……that's…..good, right?
Daphne: No. It's 2010 here….where we are……but it's also 2010 back where you came from. Seconds from death in that falling helicopter.
Peter: Oh…..I'm confused.
Daphne: Where trapped in an alternate time paradox.
Peter: Fan-tastic…….
Daphne: I'll explain on the way, we need to go.
Peter: Great, I'm trapped in a time mess again……this Season is going to be great!
Daphne: Hate to break it to you but this is only the beginning. That (pointing) is what you need to worry about.
Peter walks over to 5 different paintings:
The first painting depicts people walking around as if they were possessed.
The second depicts a large Tidal Wave hitting a small beach resort.
The third shows a giant asteroid plummeting towards The Earth.
The fourth shows people running for their lives in what appears to be an amusement park.
The fifth one had something drawn on it, but was marked out with black paint.
Peter: 5 disasters?! Are they trying to kill us?!
Daphne: That would be the definition of 'Disasters', genius…..
Peter: I'm talking about the writers!
Daphne: ……Whatever. I'm going to scout ahead, meet me out back whenever you get around to it.
Daphne zips out of the room. Peter pops in a breath mint….shortly before reading the box.
'Blue Flushes! Keeps your toilet water blue, up to 500 flushes!'
Peter sticks out his tongue which has turned blue.
Peter (blue tongue out): Cwap…..
Meanwhile, Hiro sits up in a bed. A bed that's in a prison cell….
Hiro: Oh, prison cells….how I've missed you….what has it been….almost half a Season?
Ando: Oh good, you're awake….
Hiro: Wait….we're not dead?
Ando: Nope, when we were falling down that elevator shaft you managed to teleport us out. But now we're here….hopefully it was just a change of place….not time.
Hiro: I wouldn't think so…..
Ando: …..
Hiro: …..At least I hope not.
Ando: Ugh…..
Meanwhile, a car is wrecked in a ditch somewhere, the driver's side door falls off. And Noah Bennet falls out of the driver's side. He hops to his feet…slowly making his way past the rest of the car that reads:
Chapter One 'Into Limbo'
He looks around, stuck in the middle of nowhere.
= = = (This eclipse would look better if it weren't in Microsoft Word. HEROES) = = =
Nathan Petrelli
New York City Medical Center
The hospital that stays in business thanks to the Heroes
Nathan walks into the hospital.
Nathan: I guess nobody has noticed anything that went on in the last volume…whatever.
He walks up to the desk and asks for Angela's room number. Angela is sitting in her bed, eating delicious hospital food.
Angela: This stuff is terrible! (SPIT)
Nathan: Hello, Ma.
Angela: Nathan…how nice of you to visit your decrepit old mother…..
Nathan: Ma, you're not decrepit….you've just been shot like, nine times. It happens…..trust me.
Angela: Well, it's still nice of you to visit. You can put the flowers on the table.
Nathan didn't have any flowers.
Angela: So, how's that whole, Mayor Thing, going?
Nathan: I hope you're still not upset with me firing you.
Angela: Of course not! I hope that you rinsed the blood off the knife after you plunged it into my back.
Nathan: Oh brother, here we go.
Angela: Because I was far too busy sticking my head in the oven!
Nathan: Stop it.
Angela: And….uh…..(She slips through her big book of 'Overbearing Motherly Guilt Trips')
Nathan grabs the book and throws it to the side.
Nathan: I need to talk to you about Peter. He's missing. I've been looking for him for at least 45 minutes.
Angela: Well, why don't you get your new assistant to help you. You can't let this go public, Nathan. The people would lose faith.
Nathan: How would they…..forget it. I already took a hit in the numbers when word broke that you beat me at bowling.
Angela: I didn't beat you at bowling, Nathan…….I slaughtered you at bowling.
Nathan: Whatever! Fine, I'll go ask Elle….
Angela: Nathan, wait…..before you look for Peter, I need you to do something else.
Nathan: What?
Angela: I need you to look for…..the man who shot me.
Nathan: Huh? You know who did this?
Angela: Yes….I need you to find….Noah Bennet.
(Dramatic closeup!!)
Angela: Do you mind?
The camera man climbs off the bed.
Camera Man: Sorry, the zoom doesn't work on this thing anymore.
Angela: Find him. And all the answers will be revealed.
Nathan: Really?
Angela: Probably not.
Nathan: Dammit Ma, you dream the future! You should know these things.
Angela: Go find Noah Bennet.
Nathan: Where is he?
Angela: I'm not Molly, for crying out loud.
Nathan: Ugh…..and why would he shoot you? I mean I can think of a few good reasons…
Angela: WHAT!?
Nathan: But I would never do it…..(shifty eyes)
Angela: I think he was doing it against his will. Go investigate. Now leave me alone so I can watch my stories. (She turns on the tv)
-Previously On 'As The Stomach Turns'-
Britney: Oh Bobby! I'm sorry for cheating on you. I'll love you forever and stuff.
Bobby: Let's get married! And have a hundred babies! And name each one after a Metallica song. Yeah! (Fist Pump)
Nathan: Don't do it Bobby, she's just going to cheat on you with Luke again.
Angela throws the remote at Nathan, hitting him in the head.
Nathan: OW!
Hiro and Ando
Unknown
5 bucks says their plot is going to get off to a 'great' start.
Hiro wakes up, Ando isn't there.
Hiro: Ando escaped?! Without me?! How rude!
Ando walks up to his cell wearing a guard outfit.
Hiro: Ando! What are you doing?
Ando: I got promoted!
Hiro: WHAT?!
Ando: I was a good enough prisoner I got promoted to Prison Guard!
Hiro: That's stupid! Nobody does that!
Ando: Here's the thing…you're going to be executed.
Hiro: Great.
Ando: But if I let you out, we'll both be executed.
Hiro: Uh huh.
Ando: So I have to find a way to trick Caitlin into letting you go.
Hiro: Well, that's all fine and….wait….what did you just say?
Ando: Trick Caitlin into letting you go?
Hiro: Who in the world is Caitlin?
Ando: You know…..Caitlin…..
---
Peter: Oh my god! From Season 2!? I completely forgot about her!
Daphne: Well, she's back. The writers are really reaching for guest stars this year I guess.
Peter: So….how is she here?
Daphne: Simple really…..
---
Ando: Back in 2007 when that whole 'Shanti Virus' mess was happening, Peter accidentally left Caitlin in the future in 2008. He came back but she didn't.
Hiro: He left her there? He could have just came to me and say….'Hey Hiro, go get her'.
---
Daphne: You couldn't do that because when you destroyed the virus, that grim future was supposed to disappear. But since someone from the present was still stuck in the future….
---
Hiro: It split the future into two pieces. Two futures, existing side by side, creating a massive paradox!
Ando: You see. So it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever!
Hiro: I know!
---
Daphne: Your world. The one you were about to die in, is the normal time. This time frame…is kinda stuck in limbo. It's been 2 years since the incident. Our job is to bring Caitlin back to our time and get rid of this one forever…..and to rescue Hiro and Ando.
Peter: Huh? They're here?
Daphne: Yeah….Hiro was supposed to owe me a favor then this happened….now he's in the red by two. I have to save his butt again.
Peter: But why do you need me? Oh I get it……because I can smoothly talk Caitlin into coming back because we're friends and stuff.
Daphne: A) No. She hates your guts.
Peter: What? How can she possibly hate me? I'm…..I'm Peter! Everyone's supposed to like me…..
Daphne: You left her alone and scared into the future which was thus altered due to your actions. Which brings us to B) She won't leave since she's the President Of Earth.
Peter: Palm….To Face. (SLAP!)
Daphne: It's going to be more difficult than it sounds, I'll explain when we get to her castle.
Peter: Another castle!? Why haven't these been banned from the show yet!
---
Hiro: So that's it. I'm stuck here….My powers are still wonky and you won't let me out?
Ando: I want to, but we're on heavy security. We'd get killed, I'll find a way. I'm your friend. I'll be by your side.
Hiro: Thanks, Ando.
Guard: Hey, Ando! You in on the next round of Scene It?
Ando: COMING! Gotta go (runs off)
Hiro: HEY!
Nathan speeds by in his car. He turns on his videophone. Elle is on the other end.
Elle: Top of the morning, Mr. P!
Nathan: Hey Elle….okay, you got the directions?
Elle: To what?
Nathan: To Bennet's car? He apparently gunned down Angela and we can track him using his company car.
Elle: You call your mother by her name, that's kinda odd.
Nathan: Fine. We need to find mother.
Elle: Okay, that was a little too Norman Bates…CREEPY!
Nathan: Ugh….
Elle: Wow, did I mention I love this videophone? I never had that luxury working at Company Deux.
---
Noah (in the office): Elle, Sylar is on the loose. Track him down.
Elle (in her car): You got it sir. Bishop out.
Noah: Good luck…..
Noah and Elle both put down their cans tied to a string. Elle drives away, her can flies off, ripping off her car door.
Elle: Hmm….I wasn't expecting that.
---
Peter and Daphne
Caitlin's Castle, In the Limbo Present
Time Keeps On Slippin, Slippin, Slippin…Into The Future!
Peter and Daphne are behind a giant rock a ways from the castle gates.
Peter: Okay…so, just speed in there and we're done, right?
Daphne: WRONG! The entrance to the castle leads straight into a corridor that's a hundred miles long.
Peter: That's…..ridiculous.
Daphne: It's 'Speed Sensored' so anything that goes over 5 miles an hour gets shot with the security turret guns.
Peter: That's…..even more ridiculous. You run at like, a thousand miles an hour. Surely you can beat that.
Daphne: Nope.
Peter: Uh huh….
Daphne: That's where you come in. I can't go in…..just because.
Peter: Wait, this castle is 'Speed Sensored' and you can't go in? What gives, do you two know each other or something.
Daphne: Something like that.
Peter: And better yet, how did you even know about this alternate timeline thingy?
Daphne: Will explain later….just put on a disguise and get moving.
Peter: Fine.
Daphne: You should have a whole lot of powers, right?
Peter: No….I kinda got….'downsized'
Daphne: What?
Peter: I can only hold one power at a time.
Daphne: Hopefully it's 'healing', in case anything goes wrong….or shape shifting, that would help. Or hell, teleporting…..which Hiro could have done but his power is probably out of whack.
Peter: Well, I did have healing…..then got electricity…..
Daphne: Well, that's okay, I guess.
Peter: But then when I grabbed your hand when I was 'reading your fortune' I accidentally took your power. Now I can run really fast too!.....Which probably doesn't help us now.
Daphne: I knew I shouldn't have let you done that….
Ando comes back to Hiro's cell.
Hiro: Ando! How was Scene It?
Ando: I ruled. Okay, time to go.
Hiro: What?
Ando: The President would like to speak with you.
Hiro: O…okay….
Ando and Hiro walk down the hall into a large throne room. The two stand before a large amount of steps, leading to the throne, sat on by Caitlin.
Hiro: From Season 2…..In case anybody forgot….which they probably did.
Caitlin (hopping up): SILENCE!
Hiro: EEP!
Caitlin: Hiro Nakamura, you are being charged with crimes against humanity. How do you plead?
Hiro: I….
Caitlin: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!
Hiro: Well, that's just nice….
Outside, Peter walks up to the guards.
Guard: Who are you?
Peter: The name doesn't matter. I'm the 'Health Inspector'…….wait, that bit was used last Volume….hold on. I'll be back.
Peter runs off. The guards look at each other.
Peter comes back sporting a very cool mustache.
Peter: Okay, I'm back. Ooooh….I love this mustache, I might just have to wear it the rest of the season.
Guard: Who are you?
Peter: The name's Mario…..(holding up a plunger) from 'Mario Petrelli's "That's A Spicy Meatball" Plumbing Company'.
Daphne (off to the side): Gross….
Guard (to other guard): Did the President call the plumber.
Other Guard: Who cares? We need one. Go on in.
Peter: Excellent. I'll be taking the monorail….or train….or whatever you take for that hundred mile long entrance hallway you guys have.
The guards look at each other, confused.
Peter: Palm….To Face…..(Slap)
Meanwhile…
Nathan: Okay, Elle….How far am I?
Elle (on videophone): Okay, you're about five miles away from his car. Turn left.
Nathan: What? I can't turn left….or at all….I'm in a tunnel.
Elle: Do you want to get there or not?
Nathan: But I can't turn!
Elle: Now, now….Can't never could do nothing!
Nathan: ……..What?
Elle: I don't know what means either. NOW TURN!
Nathan: No!
Elle: Turn dammit!
Nathan: NO!
Nathan slams on the brakes.
Elle: Well, now you've gone and done it.
Nathan is looking out his window, he has left the tunnel, but watches Noah walking along the street. Nathan gets out of the car.
Elle: HEY! Where are you going?.....Why haven't you turned yet?
Nathan: Noah?.....Hey!.....Noah!
Noah turns to Nathan.
Noah: Nathan….good to see you. I'm a little out of it.
Nathan: That's okay….just….come to the car, and we'll get you to the hospital. Angela probably wants a written letter of apology since you shot her.
Noah: ….you call her by her first name, that's weird.
Nathan: Fine, we'll go see mother together.
Noah: Ooh….Too Norman Bates, go back to what you were calling her before.
Nathan: Ugh….anyway, why did you do it? I mean I can think of a few good reasons…but…
Noah: It wasn't me….well, it was….but I wasn't in control of my own body.
Nathan: Did Matt make you shoot her….he'd be my first guess.
Noah: No, I knew I was doing it….I just couldn't control my body….
Nathan: Hmm….well, I'm out of ideas.
Voice: Well, here's one. Hands up.
Noah and Nathan both put their hands in the air….
Nathan: Like we just don't care….oh god, did I just say that?!
Both of them are frozen, staring at each other. In front of them walks up Eric Doyle, the puppet master.
Nathan: Are they just bringing everyone back from the 'Villains' arc?!
Doyle: Good to see you two gentlemen. We'll be going for a ride.
Noah: What if we refuse?
Doyle: Well, that's a dumb question…you can't. But you can try…though this will happen….
Doyle flicks his arm and forms his hand into a gun. Noah reaches for his gun and points it at Nathan.
Nathan: Why are you going to shoot me?! I didn't say anything!
Doyle: Into the car.
Doyle moves two fingers on both of his hands back and forth. Noah and Nathan start walking to the car.
Nathan: I really hate that power….
Meanwhile, back in Limbo (we'll just call it that)
Peter (panting): Stupid hallway….my legs feel like instant mashed potatoes….
He heads into the bathroom.
Peter (kneeling over a toilet, holding the plunger): How do you use this thing?
He hits the toilet with it.
Caitlin: Excuse me!
Peter: Oh, sorry, Miss…I….(turns to her)….EEP!
Caitlin: Do I know you?
Peter (adjusting his mustache): Nope….sure don't. I'm Mario Petrelli….from 'Mario's "That's A Spicy Meatball" Plumbing!'
Caitlin: That's disgusting….well….I don't recall ordering a plumber.
Peter: Who cares? You needed one….
Caitlin: WHAT!? Why?
Peter: ….Uh…..why…not?
Caitlin: Wait….did you say 'Petrelli'?
Peter: ………
Caitlin: ……..
Peter: …….
Caitlin: ……
Peter: ……no.
Caitlin: Oh, okay then. Well, just finish and get out of here. You can take the entrance hallway to leave.
Peter: NOT THE ENTRANCE HALLWAY! (cries)
Meanwhile, in the Execution Room.
Hiro (to Ando): So, you're my executioner too!? You're so not getting a Christmas Card this year!
Ando: I'm sorry, I just got promoted!
Hiro: How does that keep happening?
Ando: Don't worry, Hiro. I'll think of something. Now get on the block so I can chop off your head.
Hiro: That's not really a step in the right direction there, friend!
Ando: Hurry, before we both get killed!
Hiro: -Groan-
Caitlin (pounding on the window): What's the hold up?!
Ando: Just had to sharpen my axe!
Caitlin: Well, get on with it.
Ando: Okay…..Hiro…..you are about to seriously 'bite it'.
Hiro: Way to keep it professional, Ando.
Ando: Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust, I'll make sure your head doesn't roll out the door or anything.
Hiro: Ando, I'm starting to think you're really doing to do it…..
Ando: No….just give me a minute.
Caitlin: NOW!
Ando: Okay, here we go….chop chop time…..
Hiro: OH COME ON!
Peter manages to sneak into the control room.
Peter: Stupid Daphne, making me do the spy work…..why couldn't she wear the mustache?!
He finds the security console and a giant power lever.
Peter: There doesn't seem to by anyone guarding this….works for me.
Peter disables the alarm….which sets off the 'disabled alarm' alarm.
Peter: AHHH!
Guard: The security has been deactivated.
Daphne: Okay, time to go.
Daphne zooms past the guards and down the hallway, which takes her a few seconds as opposed to the 4 hours it took Peter to walk.
Peter: Don't rub it in!
Ando: Hmm….The security is off….I guess we can run away now.
Hiro: Good.
Ando: After I chop off your head.
Hiro: WHAT?!
Ando: Kidding….Kidding….
Several guards run in.
Guard: That guy didn't kill the prisoner. Let's kill them both.
Hiro: AHH! We're going to get shot to death!
Ando: These are my people, Hiro. I can talk to them.
Ando steps forward.
Ando: Friends….you don't want to shoot us!
Guard: Yes we do.
Ando: Well, I did my best.
Hiro: That was terrible!
Suddenly, a blurry line swooshes in and out of the room. Hiro and Ando were gone.
Guard: …..
Peter is tip toe-ing away from the security room. Completely forgetting he has super speed powers. Caitlin walks up.
Peter: Oh hell's bells….
Caitlin: YOU! You did this.
Peter's mustache drops.
Caitlin: !!!......P…P….Peter?....Is that you?
Peter: Uh…………yes?
Caitlin: I can't believe it…it's been two years.
Peter: Reunion Hug!
Caitlin: Like hell! You left me in this crappy future. I know that it was an accident and I did forgive you for that since it was your power. But you didn't even bother to come back.
Peter: Yeah….but….you're the President Of Earth! That's kinda cool…..isnt' it?
Caitlin: Not really. I've missed out on so much. I didn't get to be by your side while you took down your father who was trying to synthetically give people abilities, or your brother who was rounding up people with abilities for the government, or even take down that Carnival!
Peter: I really want to know how you know all that!
Caitlin: Bringing me here….I forgive you. But forgetting about me, that is unforgivable. I want Retribution…
Peter: Uh…that was last volume's theme….sorry, but you kinda missed the 'Revenge' bus.
Caitlin: See?! My point exactly. I didn't get to do any of that! But that all is about to change.
Peter: Is it too late for me to put on my mustache?
Daphne: Peter! Get out of there!
Peter starts to run away……
Daphne: You can run faster than that!
Peter: Oh, right…..
Peter zooms off. Caitlin looks down at Daphne.
Caitlin: This isn't over.
Daphne: Yeah, it kinda is.
Daphne swooshes upstairs and makes off with Caitlin. The world fades out of existence.
Later….
Peter opens his eyes.
Peter: My bedroom! YAY! That was a horrible dream.
Daphne: Something like that.
Peter: EEK! How long have you been watching me sleep?
Daphne: Long enough….did you know you talk in your sleep?
Peter (nervous): I do?.......
Daphne: Yup.
Peter: What did I say?
Daphne (snickers): Like I'm going to tell you.
Peter: UGH! I hate it when people do that!....I hope it wasn't too embarrassing….
Daphne: Of course not…..(whistles)
Peter: AHHH!
Daphne: Okay, now onto bigger business.
Peter: Wait….what happened?
Daphne: Well, I rescued Hiro and Ando while you caused that wonderful little diversion. They are safe…for now.
Peter: ….huh?
Daphne: I also grabbed Caitlin, removed her from that timeline, that world is no longer in existence and everything is back to normal…..for now.
Peter: ….wha?
Daphne: We now need to turn our attention to these.
Daphne spreads apart the 5 disaster portraits.
Daphne: You drew these in order. So we'll start with the first one. These people look possessed in the portrait. Think it's a zombie invasion?
Peter: I hope not.
Daphne: Start investigating it. I have an errand to run. I'll be back in a few days to help you out.
Peter: …….But where do I start?
Daphne flies out of the apartment.
Peter: …….-sigh-……
Outside…..several miles away, in a back alley somewhere….Caitlin is stumbling around.
Caitlin: Guards?.....Anybody?......Hello?.........
A car pulls up in front of her.
Caitlin: …..
Samson Gray steps out of the car.
Caitlin: Who are you?
Samson: A friend……Come with me, my dear. We'll get you where you need to go.
Caitlin looks around, she has nowhere else to go. She gets into the car with Samson. They drive off.
To Be Continued…