"Sirius!" James said, grinning down at his friend lounging in an armchair in front of the fireplace. Sirius looked up at him lazily.
"What? You've got another scheme to get Lily Evans to go out with you that you need my help for?" He asked.
"No!" James exclaimed. "Well, actually I do, but that's not what I need to talk to you about."
"Well, then what else could be worth interrupting my Saturday morning lounge by the fire?" Sirius asked.
"I was just going to make sure that you don't forget about tonight." James said shortly. Sirius raised his eyebrows.
"That, my friend, could imply a lot of things. Care to shed a little but of light on what exactly I'm not supposed to forget about?" Sirius asked patronisingly. James rolled his eyes.
"Don't be a prat. You know exactly what I'm talking about." He said, and then, in a lower voice: "Tonight's the full moon. We need to be ready to handle Moony."
"Oh really? I thought there was some other reason for you to just suddenly start transforming into Prongs when no one's around." Sirius said, shifting into a more comfortable position, a cheeky smile creeping at the corner of his mouth.
"I'm practicing! It isn't like anyone ever sees me." James exclaimed. And what's got you in such a touchy mood this morning? Not that you aren't always an insufferable smartass, but it seems amplified today." He said.
"Late nights make me irritable." Sirius said, shrugging.
"Or maybe you're just deliberately being annoying." James said, flopping down into the chair next to Sirius'.
"Maybe." Sirius agreed. "What are you doing with the Marauder's map? Spying on Lily Evans again?" James looked up from the piece of parchment that he'd been examining inside his cloak.
"Nothing." He said. "Mischief Mana-" He started to say from the corner of his mouth.
"Accio parchment!" Sirius said, cutting him off. The Marauder's map flew out of James' fingers to Sirius - as did all of the other bits of loose parchment lying around the room.
Soon, Sirius was being attacked with an onslaught of all kinds of parchment - pieces of homework left abandoned the night before, notes passed in class, screwed up balls of rubbish, flyers from the common room notice board - and of course, the Marauder's Map, which (quite aptly, James thought), flew straight to Sirius' face, temporarily blinding him before it slid of his face and settled into the mountain of all the other bits of parchment that Sirius had summoned to himself. Throughout all of this, James had been laughing uncontrollably, unable to stop. His face was red from laughing so hard, and he was doubled over, trying to catch his breath. When he finally regained his composure, he straightened up to meet the eyes of a very annoyed Sirius Black.
"Shit." Sirius swore, looking around him at the island of parchment built up around him that he was now imprisoned in. James quickly bent down and retrieved the Marauder's Map from the top of the giant pile.
"Don't want to lose this, do we?" James said, wiping the map clean and pocketing it - but not before Sirius caught a glimpse of what James had been focussed in on. He groaned.
"You were spying on Evans, weren't you? I'm telling you mate, you've got to let that one go. She isn't interested in you." Sirius said, shaking his head, as he stepped out of the middle of the mountain of parchment that he'd collated. James rolled his eyes.
"She'll come around." He said. Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something, but evidently thought better of it. He turned to face the pile of parchment he'd created.
"How-" He said in a dismayed voice, "-the hell are we going to get rid of this?" James chuckled.
"Serves you right." He said, crossing his arms. "What you said could have meant a lot of things. You should have been more specific." He said in a mocking tone, throwing back Sirius' words at him.
"Shut up." Sirius said, disgruntled. "And help me get rid of this mess."
"And why would I want to do that?" James said, smiling smugly, like he was expecting something. Sirius' eyes widened and then he sighed in submission.
"Because I am begging you to grace me with your company and use your magical prowess to help me solve this problem." He said through gritted teeth. James seemed to ponder Sirius' words for a moment, but then he grinned, and started to levitate things back to their original places. "I hate that condition." Sirius complained. "Why should we have to say that stupid thing before the other agrees to help?"
"It was your idea." James reminded him. Sirius scowled. "Come on. We need to get this all cleared up before anyone realises what has happened."
o-O-o
"Lily! Lily!" Remus said, hurrying to catch up with her. Lily turned around and started walking briskly towards him, her red hair swinging in its plait.
"Hello Remus." She said, smiling, when they finally reached each other. "What is it?"
"I just wanted to tell you that I won't be doing prefect duty tonight. I've got to go and visit my mother this weekend, she's incredibly sick." Remus said, panting slightly from his run to her.
"That's fine. Is she all right?" Lily said concernedly.
"Oh yes, she's doing fine, she's just feeling a bit poorly." Remus said quickly. "Think nothing of it. I'll see you at dinner?" He asked.
"Sure, that'd be fine." Lily said, smiling. "Wait-" She said, as they'd both just started to walk away. He stopped and turned around to face her.
"Yes?" He asked. She swept her sharp green-eyed gaze over him. He looked haggard and scruffy, like he hadn't had the strength to care about his appearance this morning. His clothes hung off him, like he'd suddenly lost too much weight, his collar bones jutting out sharply. His eyes had dark circles beneath them, like he hadn't slept in days.
"Are you all right?" She asked anxiously. Remus smiled weakly.
"I'm fine." He said. "See you later."
"Bye." Lily called out as he turned and walked away. She stood still for a few seconds, chewing her lower lip worriedly, and then hurried back to the Gryffindor common room.
o-O-o
Remus wasn't fine. - But then again, that was inevitable. With the full moon only a few hours away, it was obvious that he would feel like this, uncomfortable and trapped in his own skin, suffocated, itchy, tired, pained. It was as though the wolf inside him was slowly fighting its way out of him, trying to break through his human form. Remus shuddered slightly. He was NOT looking forward to the moment when it succeeded. Remus could only vaguely remember his life before Fenrir Greyback had cursed him with lycanthropy. It'd been like any average boy's: loving parents, quiet house in the suburbs, kind neighbours, and the restless agitated feeling of needing something MORE. Remus - just like any other boy - had wished and wished for his letter from Hogwarts to come soon, so that he could do something different for a change. Change. That was what he'd craved most. Change, life outside this tiny world that he lived in, friends that didn't just consist of the neighbours' children, awards and achievements not just confined to smiles and kind words for 'being a good boy' - but if he'd known that the change that he wished for so desperately would impair his chances of living a normal happy life, maybe he would have reconsidered his desires.
Remus didn't like to dwell on the past. It was mostly full of events he didn't want to remember, like the day he became a werewolf and his father's death. But it wasn't all bad. There were many memories that Remus could've clung onto forever, all things that took place in Hogwarts - his friends becoming animagi for him, their first full moon together (at that moment, the joy of company had drowned out the pain of transformation), receiving a prefect letter, having to be the 'middle man' for James and Lily, etc.
You see, Remus Lupin's life might not have been as fortunate as most. His werewolf curse, financial position, and lack of father did affect his life negatively in many ways. But there were many good things about his life too - his friends, Hogwarts, the Hogsmeade trips...and Remus was determined not to be one of those people that failed to enjoy life because of their impediments. So even if his life seemed incredibly bleak, he loved it. Because even if he didn't have the perfect life, he had something worth living for. And that was enough.
o-O-o
Lily hastily brushed aside her worries for Remus as she walked towards the Gryffindor common room. "He'll be fine." She told herself. "What could possibly go wrong?"
"Quite a lot in these times." A voice said inside her mind, but she ignored it. She had enough to worry about without making Remus' troubles her own.
You see, Lily had believed in something for so long, and spent so long trying to convince herself that she was doing the right thing - that she wasn't being unfair or judgemental; that her actions were well justified. And now she'd found out she was wrong. About all of it. She felt horrible. More than horrible, she felt like she'd made the biggest mistake in the world, that she was a detestable person, that she didn't deserve the right to change her mind.
The regret, the guilt, the self-loathing, it all came down on here, crushing her, suffocating her, forcing her to feel worse than she already did. Because you see, Lily Evans hadn't just changed her mind about something. She'd discovered something, that entirely condemned and rendered pointless the time that she'd spent shunning the fact:
Lily Evans was completely and irrevocably in love with James Potter. And there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
o-O-o
"I think that we've got all of it." Sirius said, looking at the space of blank carpet where the huge mound of parchment used to be.
"Wait, we missed a spot." James said, stooping down to pick up a small bit of folded parchment.
"Right, well, I'm going to rest up in the dorm until dinner." Sirius said, starting to make his way up to the boys dormitory. Sirius stopped a few seconds later, when he realised that James wasn't following him. "You all right Prongs?" He said, turning around to look at James. He was still holding the paper, now staring at its contents grimly. "James?" Sirius said. James snapped out of it.
"Yeah, I'm fine." He said in a way that seemed to imply the contrary, still holding the bit of parchment.
"What's written on that bit of parchment?" Sirius asked, looking at it curiously.
"Nothing." James said, much too quickly. Sirius raised his eyebrows.
"Accio-" He started to say.
"No!" James exclaimed. "Don't do that. I'm not going to help you clean up a second time." He said.
"Then let me look at the parchment." Sirius said, stretching out his hand from it.
"No, it's fine. It's rubbish anyway." said James, throwing the bit of parchment into the bin.
"If it was really rubbish, you wouldn't care about it so much." Sirius retorted.
"I don't care about it-" James began to say, but Sirius cut him off.
"Please, Prongs. I'm your best friend. It's obvious that something about that note's killed your mood. What's wrong? What did it say?" Sirius asked.
"Nothing! Now come on, we only have a few hours until dinner, I want to figure out our strategy to control Moony this time." James said, climbing the stairs to the boys' dormitory, brushing past Sirius on the way. Sirius stayed still with a puzzled expression on his face, and then turned around to face James' back.
"Hold on mate." He said, catching up to James, who'd stopped to wait for him. "I thought that you had another plan to date Lily Evans." It took James a few seconds to reply. He faced Sirius and smiled sadly.
"No, you were right." He said. "I've just got to let that one go." And then James turned away and continued walking to his bed, leaving behind a very surprised and troubled Sirius.
o-O-o
Just as Lily reached the common room, it was dinner time. She looked at her watch frustratedly (Although it was a muggle invention and none of her friends had one, Lily still liked to keep track of the time the old fashioned way) and sighed, beginning to make her way to the great hall. She'd barely taken a few steps when the common room door opened behind her. She turned around, surprised, and saw James and Sirius exiting the common room.
"Hello!" She said brightly. Lily had grown quite close to James and Sirius ever since the fifth year. She'd always known them better than most, due to her friendship with Remus through prefect duties and shared classes, but it was only around fifth year that they'd actually become friends. She didn't know whether it was the fact that they'd become less irritating or that she'd become more tolerable, but either way, they were friends now. She could feel herself smiling a little bit too widely and relaxed her face a bit. She had to control her reactions around James - she had no right to feel this way about him, not when she'd spent so long abusing him, hating him, hexing him.
"Hi." James said shortly. Lily stared at him. There was none of the usual lightness in his tone, the spring in his step, the shine in his eyes. He looked away from her gaze, staring at a spot just above her shoulder instead.
"Hullo Evans." Sirius said, looking at James, perturbed.
"James?" Lily said anxiously, looking at him deeply. His eyes snapped back to hers. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine." He said, smiling a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. It was a strange smile, seeming to communicate melancholy instead of happiness, as is the arbitrary purpose. "Let's go."
They all started to walk towards the great hall, Lily's thoughts racing. She didn't know what was wrong with James, but she didn't like seeing him this way. She could tell that he was upset about something, but what could possibly have been bad enough to make him react this way? She looked at him, striding purposefully in front of her. His fists were tightly clenched, and his shoulders were tensed. His shoulder blades showed through his robes, curving sharply on his back. His hair looked soft to the touch, and...Lily shook herself. She shouldn't be thinking like this. She had no right to. She'd spent much too long a time hating - or what she'd thought was hate - him, and she couldn't just suddenly change her mind now. It was stupid, it was hypocritical, and it was WRONG. She couldn't just suddenly start to reciprocate - if he still felt the same way, that is - James' feelings. It wasn't that simple, it COULDN'T be that simple. All that time she'd spent spurring his advances, treating him like someone whom she despised - how could she have been so BLIND? How could she have thought that it was all always James' fault, that he was just an arrogant prick with no self-respect? How could she have thought such horrible things about someone so kind, so thoughtful, so caring, so perfect? How could she have been such a bad judge of character? Here was James, probably the only person who would still be nice - not even just civil, actually NICE - to her after all of the crap she'd given him (and was, no doubt, still giving him), and there was Severus, the person that she'd spent so long standing up for, trusting, loving almost like the brother she never had, who'd turned out to be exactly like the people she'd thought he was better than. She felt a sharp sting in her eyes, like she was about to start crying, but sharply suppressed it. She could cry about her bad choices later. James and Sirius didn't need to deal with it all.
o-O-o
The walk to the great hall seemed to last forever. Or maybe it was just the fact that James spent all of it wishing for it to end. He didn't want to spend any more time with Lily than he had to. "That isn't something I'd have said a few hours ago." James said, chortling darkly to himself. But of course, he hadn't known what he knew now a few hours ago. He didn't know what he'd expected when he'd picked that bit of parchment up. Someone's note in class? A loose page from someone's notebook? He'd been about to bin it straight away, but he'd just happened to glance down at it and notice Lily's handwriting. Should he have opened when he knew it didn't concern him? Probably not. But it was like he didn't even know what he was doing, his fingers automatically unfolded the piece of parchment, and his eyes read what it said. There had just two or three sentences, and James remembered them perfectly:
"James Potter is an arrogant prick, and I honestly do not think that I have met anyone I so desperately wished I didn't know. He's a deluded, egoistic, pathetic asshole, and I honestly don't know how he can constantly try to ask me out when I have done my best to make it blatantly obvious that I'm not interested. Stupid prat. The only reason he's even interested is because I'm not."
When he'd read those sentences, James' blood had frozen, and a dull ache had started in his chest that just grew by the second. He couldn't believe how stupid he'd been to even believe that he had a chance at being Lily's friend, let alone anything more than that. All this time, that he'd thought he was actually getting somewhere, he'd just been deluding himself further. She didn't even like him as a FRIEND, let alone the way that he wanted her to like him. He felt like an idiot, a prat, and yes, an asshole. Everything that he'd tried to convince himself of these past few years was a lie. Lily Evans did NOT like him, she was NOT becoming better friends with him, and there was certainly NO way that she would 'come around'. The part that hurt the most wasn't that she didn't like him - that should have been obvious from the beginning, he shouldn't have been such an idiot to believe otherwise, but the fact that everything he'd thought was real was all just a façade. A veil that Lily had put over her real emotions, a ploy that he'd fallen for, a game that she was STILL playing, if the way that she'd greeted Sirius and him was anything to judge by. James didn't know who to blame - her, for being so cruel and false, or him for being so stupid and gullible. And the worst part? He STILL loved her. He couldn't stop feeling it. Even after he'd read the note, even after the false 'hello's, he still knew, deep in his heart, that he would do anything for the girl with the red hair and green eyes that seemed to hold a power over him that he could never conquer.
While James had been busy thinking about all of this, they had reached the staircases that would take them down to the great hall. James watched the staircases move detachedly, his mind elsewhere. Lily approached a staircase drowsily, as if she wasn't with them, and stepped forward - into thin air. The staircase had moved on, and Lily started to fall over, her eyes flashing with fear, her mouth open as if she were about to scream. Suddenly, James mind snapped back into action, and he ran forward and caught Lily's hand quickly before she slid into the abyss. He pulled her up, back onto solid ground, his muscles aching as he tried to haul her back up without hurting her too much. Sirius was beside him, helping him drag her back. When she was finally back on the floor, she collapsed onto the floor, gazing fearfully down at the seven-floor drop she'd just escaped. She looked up at James, wide-eyed, as he pulled her into his arms, trying to stop her shaking. She relaxed, her face against his chest, holding him back as tightly as he was holding her, as if they'd never let each other go again. After a few seconds, both of their minds flashed, James' showing him the image of Lily's parchment, and Lily's reminding her that she wasn't allowed to feel the way she did. They both pulled away, getting to their feet, James looking down at her coldly and painfully, while Lily looked away and tried to slow down her heartbeat.
Both of them felt the same way about each other, but neither of them knew it. Both of them thought that they were alone, James suspecting Lily's hatred, and Lily drowning in self-loathing unable to admit her feelings to herself for shame of her past actions. It was a sad situation, but soon things would change, and they both would see, how things were much better (or worse) than what they seemed to be.