La fe, coraje, et esperanza
Prologue: the black dog
A/N Hi everyone – this is the sequel to 'The Pied Piper' my story about the Rock rebels and the 2012 Olympics. This story follows directly after chapter 31 of that story, or the week after the 2012 Olympics. It focuses on all of the girls, just like my previous story, but Lauren will be the main focus for now. Lauren's story isn't an easy one and this fic will be darker than my last. BUT there will still hopefully be some funny parts. This chapter is a prequel and basically just fills in Lauren's story from the Olympic Trials 2012. The real story will start in the next chapter.
XXX
The Olympic Trials
Lauren trudged back to her hotel room. She was so angry about her beam routine. She'd practiced so hard and she was far from her best. Her head ached and she just wanted to curl up and cry, but the fighter in her forced herself to shower and get into her pyjamas even though it was only 8.30. She bit her lip, she didn't know what was wrong: she was so strung out. She took two panadol and got into bed, hopefully she'd sleep better tonight.
XXX
The alarm buzzed – Lauren glared at it. She groaned and dragged herself out of bed. She forced herself to stand up, she was shaking from tiredness. She took a deep breath, she was a fighter, she could beat this. She rubbed her eyes and went to put make up on.
"Hey Lo" Emily mumbled, her hair tousled.
"Hey" Lauren croaked.
Emily took in her friend's deathly pale skin and blurry eyes. "What's wrong?"
Lauren bit her lip. "I – I dunno, I've been feeling really crap this past couple of weeks and I can't sleep." She screwed her eyes closed so she didn't cry.
Emily nodded and hugged Lauren. "It's going to be ok. I'm getting Payson." Emily said, trying to be calm. Lauren's fall on beam yesterday was terrible, she hadn't fallen off beam in years and although it hadn't ruined her chances, she needed to be nearly perfect today to make the team.
Lauren breathed deeply. She grabbed her hair straightener and pulled it through her hair, her arms felt like lead and she just felt miserable. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked ragged. She turned her head as Emily reentered, flagged by Payson. The blonde girl walked over to Lauren and silently put her arms around her. And Lauren relaxed into the hug. After almost a full minute Payson gently pushed Lauren off her and held, gripped her shoulders tightly and looked her in the eye.
"Stand up straight." Payson said and Lauren obliged.
"Em said you've had a rough couple of nights."
Lauren nodded, a tear escaping down her cheek. She couldn't believe how easily she was crying, normally she was tough but that was what happened, she guessed when people didn't get any sleep. "I've had no sleep, I feel like everything is four times as hard."
Payson nodded. "Can you find your passion again?"
"What do you mean?"
"Reach down deep inside yourself, find that feeling you get when you are exhausted from training but there's that feeling inside you that makes you keep going. Do you think you can find it?"
Lauren looked at the girl who had led her for so many years, who had stood beside her despite the fact Lauren had betrayed her time and time again. She closed her eyes and remembered the day they won team gold, the feeling of joy and the feeling of being accepted by her team, and her coach. "I think so."
"Good. Now listen to me very carefully." Payson said calmly but sternly "I want you to hold onto that feeling, try to ignore your fatigue, and think of yourself on that Olympic team. You're Lauren fucking Tanner; there is no way you're going to let a couple of sleepless nights get in the way of your dream. Am I clear?"
"I'll try" Lauren croaked.
"Not good enough." Payson said, almost angrily.
"Yes! One of the spots on the team is mine!"
Payson smiled. "That's the Lauren I know and love, just think, all you've got to do is four more routines and then you can sleep, we'll get you sorted.
XXX
"As per the qualification rules the athlete with the highest score over two days of trials gains automatic berth onto the team. This quadrennium that athlete is Rosa Reynolds. Rosa is a first year senior and is known by her coach and teammates as the little dynamite. She has some of the hardest routines in the world and her bubbly personality and crazy power is reminiscent of Shawn Johnson and Carly Patterson. She is well deserving of her place on the team." The crowd erupted into a huge cheer and the other girls all descended on Rosa, hugging her.
Once Rosa came up and claimed her plaque and team jacket Marcus continued "the four remaining team members were not chosen specifically on their all around results: they were chosen as the best combination to take home the best possible team result. This decision was very difficult for us but we believe we have chosen the strongest team the USA has seen in a long time. It is my pleasure to announce our second team member, and team captain for 2012: Miss Payson Keeler."
The crowd absolutely screamed when Payson's name was announced. Her class and comeback made her beloved. Sasha was crying, Kim and Mark were crying and Becca was screaming her head off. Emily basically jumped on Payson, closely followed by the rest of the Rock girls. True to her promise with Kelly, Payson just smiled calmly and hugged every single other girl.
Marcus cleared his throat after it was clear that the crowd wasn't going to calm down "I was going to give a big introduction to Payson but it seems that you already know how spectacular she is: our comeback kid, ladies and gentlemen." And the crowd went wild again. Payson joined Rosa on the stage, they linked arms.
"Our third team member is one of our toughest competitors, she's steady as a rock and has pulled through for the team time and time again. Ladies and gentlemen: Kelly Parker." Kelly hugged her teammates, blew a kiss to the crowd and went on the stage: she gave the commentators a withering look and took her plaque. This was the tackiest thing in the world.
"This young lady has captured all our hearts with her bravery and entertaining gymnastics: Kaylie Cruz, former national champion and world team member." If the crowd had gone crazy for the previous three girls it went absolutely manic when Kaylie was announced. Kaylie let a single tear escape down her cheek.
"This final spot was a very difficult decision and I wish we could take all of you. Our final Olympian is a young woman of integrity who has overcome hardship to get where she is today. She has not let anything stand in the way of her dream. Ladies and gentlemen, Emily Kmetko."
Emily and Lauren looked at each other. Emily felt like the world was ending. Lauren's eyes looked empty, Emily hugged her friend tightly. Her friend who had worked her entire life for this and not made it. "It should have been you." Emily said tearfully.
Marcus announced Andrea and Haruko as the alternates and Sasha looked at his athletes and joined them on the stage as he was announced head coach. He was happy for them but his heart broke seeing Lauren standing on the floor, looking small and defeated.
Lauren forced the nail of her middle finger under her thumbnail, hard. She focused on that so she didn't cry, she wasn't going to cry. Not now. She forced a smile when Payson invited the eight other girls onto the mini stage. She wasn't angry at her teammates for making the team. She was surprised: normally when stuff like this happened she was filled with jealousy but looking into their faces all she could see was the years of hard work, the hurdles they'd overcome and, above all, how much they deserved to be going to London. She was exhausted though. The lack of sleep was finally taking its toll, her legs felt like jelly and her vision was a bit blurry. Finally they were allowed down from the stage. The media was swarming in, their cameras giving Lauren a huge headache, the edges of her vision started to go dark and she felt like she was going to fall over when a strong hand gripped each of her shoulders.
"I've got you. Don't worry about the media. The others are blocking their view of you. Lean against me, good girl." Lauren leaned into her coach as she'd done thousands of times at the end of a gruelling practice and she let Sasha half carry her to the edge of the podium, then he picked her up and carried outside he then helped her into a taxi. Steve following them worriedly.
When they reached the hotel Sasha told Lauren to go and freshen up and Sasha looked at Steve, the man looked exhausted.
"I can't believe it's finally over. All we've worked for."
Sasha gripped Steve's shoulder "it's not over, Lauren's got her whole life ahead of her. Look how far she's come. She hugged her teammates genuinely tonight, she didn't try to sabotage any of them. That's worth more than any medal."
Steve looked at him for a long time. Why did the man have to be so freaking noble? He was right of course but it still stung that his only child had come so close to achieving her dream and not making it.
"What's wrong with her Sasha?" He asked quietly "the past few weeks she hasn't been herself. I was surprised she managed to stay on the beam today, my heart was in my mouth her whole routine."
Sasha didn't say anything. He wanted to bring this up with Lauren first.
Steve sensed Sasha's hesitation. "Please tell me." He asked in a sad voice.
Sasha shook his head. "I think I know what's wrong but I don't want to bring this up until I've spoken to Lauren. I've seen it happen in a lot of athletes. But I'm not a doctor, it's just a hunch."
Steve glared at Sasha but for some reason he didn't yell at him. He saw how jaded the younger man seemed, he realised that he cared for his daughter. "Okay"
"Thank you" Sasha said, he was glad to avoid a row with one of the fiercest litigators in the state. Lauren came out of her room, her blonde hair hanging messily around her face, bags under her eyes.
"Can we come in, Lauren?" The blonde nodded wearily. And Sasha and Steve followed her. Lauren walked slowly and sat on her bed, Steve joined her and put his arm around her, Sasha took the chair by the desk, he looked at Lauren seriously. "I want you to answer some questions, and answer them honestly, please."
Lauren nodded. She normally would have rolled her eyes but she was pretty freaked about how crap she felt.
"Good. How long have you had trouble sleeping?"
Lauren paused, thinking about all the sleepless nights she'd had. She'd only started complaining a couple of weeks ago but... "2 months" she said, not meeting her father's eye. She knew he'd feel guilty for not noticing.
Sasha nodded "and have you been feeling achy and tired?"
"You know I have" Lauren whispered. "I also feel like every little thing is so hard and I'm really sensitive I get upset at the smallest things. It's freaking annoying." She said, suddenly tying to lighten the mood. It didn't work.
"Honey, why didn't you tell me this?" Steve asked bewildered. Lauren had a tendency to whine about everything but she for some reason decided she didn't need to tell him that she was really not feeling good.
"I didn't want to bother you." Lauren said automatically and then paused, "and I was scared, I felt like, feel like I'm going crazy or something."
Steve silently put an arm around his daughter and kissed her head softly. "We'll get to the bottom of this Lo."
Normally Sasha would quip that Lauren was crazy but this wasn't the time. He took both of his athlete's hands in his own and looked at her. He had no idea how to say this. He'd had similar conversations twice before and it never got easier. "Lauren I think you might be suffering from depression. Now I know it seems scary but many people have it. And often it's successful people. It's not a big deal, it's totally treatable and I know a doctor who'll be able to help you."
Lauren was dumbfounded. She'd heard about mental illnesses but she thought they just happened to crazy old cat ladies who had no friends. Normally she would have called Sasha an idiot and stormed out but she was so tired that all she had the energy to do was bury her head in her father's shoulder and cry. "I don't want this."
Steve wrapped his arms around Lauren "honey it's okay. This is totally normal. I got depressed when I was about your age."
Lauren looked up in surprise. Her Dad was tough she could never imagine him like this. "When I was a first year law student, I moved cities. It was hard, I didn't know anyone, and I was shy. I was in a dorm with lots of outgoing overachievers who never really accepted me. Which is fine. You don't get on with everyone. But I found it really really tough. I was too scared to ask for help so I didn't make friends: it wasn't till I met your mother that I finally understood that I was sick, just like having a broken arm and that I could get help." Steve had tears in his eyes, he felt so guilty for not realising Lauren's problem earlier.
"Daddy why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want you to worry. You had enough going on. Come on, let's get you to the doctor ok?"
Lauren nodded tentatively and she followed her father out of the hotel room. She paused as she was about to open the door "Sasha, are you ok if we don't tell the other girls yet?"
"Of course, but they're worried about you."
"I know, but I want them to focus on the Olympics without worrying about me."
Sasha's jaw almost dropped. This kid might not have made the Olympic team today but she had grown up almost overnight. Or had he just not noticed how far she'd come. He hugged his athlete "I'm proud of you: I hope you know that. I couldn't be prouder, irrespective of whether you made the team."
Lauren gave a resigned smile "that means a lot Sasha, really." She said, blinking back tears. She wasn't ready to process that this quadrennium was over for her. She didn't want to think about the decisions she'd soon have to make.
XXX
Family
She and Steve walked in companionable silence. It was funny how you could become suddenly close to someone in just a couple of hours. She realised that she hardly knew her father. Well she knew him in a superficial sense: she knew how he took his coffee and what his favourite books were but she had no idea about his life before she was born, why he'd chosen the career he had and how he'd met her mum. "Daddy?"
"Mmm"
"Tell me about Mum, where did you meet her? When did you decide to get married? Where did she grow up?"
Her questions almost brought tears to Steve's eyes – he usually tried to keep those memories repressed because they hurt so much but it broke his heart how little Lauren knew. "Well your mother was one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. I met her when I went to a pub, my Mum, your grandma, was sick and I was upset. I was with a couple of people from my classes but I didn't know them all that well: I was terrible at making friends back then. I still I am I guess. And the boys started to get rowdy and I just felt more lonely. And then your Mum came over to me" Steve's eyes lit up at the memory "she had a smile on her face but she could tell I was upset. She bought me a beer and asked how my day was. I said fine, and she just frowned at me and said 'I can tell it wasn't, come on, spill' so I told her about Gran Tanner being in hospital and she just listened. And then we danced for a bit." Steve's eyes sparkled at the memory.
"Lauren, whatever you think of your mother, whatever the amount of pain she put us through. I want you to know that she was a remarkable woman and that she loved you very much."
Lauren was full on sobbing now. Partly for the fact she never knew that remarkable woman, partly that her Dad had bottled up so much for so long, partly because she never tried to help him through the hard times and finally she cried for not making the team. Steve just held her as she sobbed, huge gasping sobs with tears streaming everywhere. Steve kissed the top of her head. Lauren knew she must look like a loser but she couldn't care less. She and her father had struggled through this screwed up couple of years and people could damn well stare if they wanted to.
The Olympics
The girls sat in a circle, stretching in the royal blue leos they were going to wear for qualification: Sasha, worshipper of punctuality that he was, insisted that they be at the arena 45 minutes before they were meant to be there. Payson thought Sasha was the best coach ever but she couldn't help thinking that if this was her team she wouldn't do this because it was psyching Kaylie and Rosa out. The two girls looked progressively more nervous as she led them in each stretch.
"And stop. Good work." Sasha said, taking a deep breath. It was one thing to be an athlete competing, it was quite another to coach. At least being an athlete you had some sort of control: over your own performances at least, coaching just meant watching, hoping and praying that years of hard work would pay off.
He looked each of them in the eyes "how are we feeling?"
Kelly grinned at him, Payson looked at him seriously, Emily and the other two looked down. "We're ready" Payson said calmly.
Sasha smiled. "Well just in case you aren't, your assistant coach wanted to give you a few words." Payson was confused, she knew each team had to have one male and one female coach on the podium but she hadn't thought much about it, Rosa's coach was a guy but his wife helped out with the coaching so she assumed that she'd be the assistant coach, or maybe Darby, but that would have looked biased towards the Rock girls. She hadn't really worried about it much, all she needed was Sasha on the podium with her.
Then Kaylie and Kelly squealed and Payson looked up. Lauren was standing there! Kaylie sprinted over to hug her friend tightly, Emily followed closely behind her. Kelly gave one of her famous half smiles "it's about time you showed up, Tanner."
Lauren laughed "some of us have been busy, us coaches are very important people, we can't all play around in leotards all day." She quipped, almost keeping the pain out of her voice. Sasha gently squeezed her shoulder. The simple gesture helped her incredibly "now girls gather round. Very soon you'll walk through that door into the arena. I want you to ignore the cameras, the commentators, even the judges. You are the best in the world, all you need to do is your usual routines – you have absolutely nothing to be worried about. Go out there and show them who you are!" She put her hand in the middle of their huddle, Payson smiled and placed her hand on top of Lauren's the other girls and Sasha followed suit. Lauren nodded at Payson.
"Girls U-S-A on three, one, two, three..."
"USA!" they yelled.
Sasha smiled. That was more like it. "Line up ladies. We're about to get called in. He went to the front Rosa, the shortest, followed by Kaylie, Kelly and Emily. Payson thanks to her injury and time off was now the tallest, she hung back a bit with Lauren. "That was very big of you, Lo, agreeing to be assistant coach."
Lauren looked at Payson, to anyone else she would have lied and said it was a pleasure. But this was Payson, perhaps the person she admired more than anyone else in the world. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done, taking Sasha up on it, but I had to. For Kaylie."
Payson blinked rapidly to stop herself crying and making her mascara run, she hugged Lauren fiercely. "She is truly lucky to have you as a friend."
Lauren was almost in tears herself. Never, in a million years would she expect someone to say that to her. "Come on Keeler, we can't be a mess, not now, we have some finals to qualify for."
Payson grinned "sorry coach."
"You should be."
XXX
"So this is nice" Lauren said quietly, holding her burrito. She thought about eating it delicately, but she figured that Leo had known her since she was six and had seen her inebriated, exhausted and after running marathons before training. He was unlikely to be put off by her eating with big bites.
"It is I guess, I would never have guessed Ms Lauren Tanner would condescend to eating burritos, let alone like them."
Lauren threw her serviette at him "there are a lot of things you don't know about me. Besides sometimes when all you have is luxury it's nice to have normal food."
"I hear that." Leo said quietly. "And what is this about me not knowing much about you?"
Lauren raised one eyebrow "what's my favourite band?"
"Muse, although you would never admit it because you don't want to be seen as a hipster."
"Meh that was an easy one. What about my favourite book?"
"The Secret Garden, you liked it because your mum used to read it to you when you were young. Your first memory is of your mum taking you to gym class as a toddler, you've spend your entire life in gymnastics and yet you're afraid of heights, your favourite colour is green, you get hay fever, you love horses, you worry about your dad's health because he works too hard, and you had a crush on Viggo Mortensen when The Return of the King came out."
"You knew all that about…me?" Lauren had spent years being overshadowed by her friends and half ignored by her father. The revelation that someone cared that much about her was amazing.
"Well I do have a photographic memory."
"I-I don't know whether to kiss you or call the cops because I've got a stalker."
Leo gave a wry smile "well it's that indecision that cost you Viggo – you need to commit, one way or another."
"Shut up" Lauren said and kissed her new boyfriend. If someone had told her a year ago that she didn't make the Olympic team and had been happier than she'd ever been in her life she would have called them crazy, but, she mused as Leo hugged her tightly, some things were more important than gymnastics.
"One question, when did you start liking me?"
Leo paused "A while ago I started to see flashes of the kind girl behind all of the drama. I saw her stick up for her friends, convince Sasha to let Kaylie train again, sacrifice her reputation and risk her friendships to help Emily towards her goal."
Lauren shook her head. "But why me? I'm screwed up, petty, insecure and very high maintenance."
"Well I like a challenge."
Lauren raised an eyebrow and then started to tickle Leo mercilessly.
"Master, I give!"
Lauren reluctantly stopped tickling. "Want the rest of my milkshake?"
"I always knew you were a keeper."
XXX
Lauren was stunned into silence. Payson and Sasha. The day before floor finals at the freaking Olympics. "Wow"
"I know, I can hardly believe it's happened, finally, you're awful quiet." Payson said, noticing how Lauren wasn't saying much.
"I guess it's a lot to digest."
"But we love each other."
"I know that but-"
"Wait, what do you mean 'you know that'?"
"Payson, everyone can see the way you and Sasha look at each other at the gym, and as weird as it is with him being ancient and all the two of you are made for each other. I just hope you're ready. I mean you've got three Olympic medals, you can do whatever you want. Are you sure you want this now?"
"I've never been more sure of anything." Payson said softly "and please don't talk about post-Olympics, I don't want to think about it."
"Fair enough, it's kind of scary isn't it?"
"More than kind of scary, it's terrifying."
Lauren gripped her friend's hand. "it will be fine – I just don't want you to rush into this because you're scared about life after gymnastics." Lauren knew that Payson wouldn't return to gymnastics again, her body had been pushed too far.
Payson smiled "of course not" she said, although she realised that Lauren had a point. "What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Do you know what you're going to do after this?"
Lauren took a deep breath "well I'm tossing up between varsity, volunteering, having a working holiday, or going back to training."
"Training?"
"You think it's stupid."
"No!" Payson didn't like how low Lauren's self esteem had been the past couple of months "I think it's a good idea! Only if you want to though."
"Really?"
"Of course – you're the best vaulter in the world, and your beam and floor aren't far behind."
Lauren smiled "that means a lot, coming from you. What about you, Pay?"
Payson shook her head "I don't even want to think about it. I want to be near Sasha, I know my body can't handle another competitive cycle but I'm too tired to think about studying. I'm a mess."
"You are many things, Payson Keeler, but a mess is not one of them."
Payson raised one eyebrow "I'm a nineteen year old with a broken back, who is currently breaking curfew after kissing her coach and has no immediate plans to go to college or get a job."
"Well when you put it like that…"
Payson laughed and tickled her friend mercilessly.
XXX
Kaylie rested her head on Kelly's shoulder while Emily, Payson, and Lauren were sprawled out on the floor of Payson's room.
"I can't believe it's over" Payson murmured. "We made it – together."
Lauren let out a sigh that was barely audible.
"Lauren, you did the best of all of us" Emily said "you came back with your head held high and I know I would not have made it without you. And I'm not just saying that, Lo – you are incredible."
Lauren wrapped her arms around Emily tightly, the tears that were always near the surface recently came down her cheeks, and before long Emily was crying too, from relief that the Olympics were over, from sadness that the Rock Rebels would never likely compete together again, to sadness for what Lauren was going through.
"Emily – I'm so sorry for the person that I was."
"None of that, it's forgotten. It's who you are that matters."
Lauren gave her friend a watery smile. "You are such a cheese."
"And you love me for it."
There was a knock on the door, Emily and Lauren dried their eyes and Kelly walked over to open it. She was taken aback to find four Olympic committee members staring back at her. "Hello – we are looking for Payson Keeler."
"That's me" Payson said softly, she got up and shook the hands of each of the men.
"Payson, we just wanted to let you know that we would like you to be the flag bearer for the United States. Your achievements and class have been a huge inspiration for young people throughout our country."
Payson put her hand over her mouth, and tears sprung into her eyes. "Of course, I would be honoured." She said softly.
The future
Lauren stared out to the Thames – it was an interesting river with all its history and she was glad she had the chance to explore London, regardless of the circumstances.
"So you've made your decision?" said a quiet voice.
Lauren turned to see Summer standing behind her in a blue dress.
Lauren nodded – she looked at the pills in her hand. She'd put off taking the anti-depressants during the games because she didn't want to worry about the side effects. "Yes I'll take them. I'm going to get well, and then I'm going to travel, and then I don't know I think I want to at least get that vault named after me."
Summer gave Lauren a long hug. "Yes you will."
"Thank you for everything Summer."
"Lauren, you're welcome – I'm so proud of the person you've become sugar. It's been an honour knowing you the past four years."
A/N so that (in a nutshell) is what happened to Lauren. Not nice, but she's got a long way to go and I'm really excited to write this story. You should definitely go back and read The Pied Piper if you want to get a better look at what happened to the other Rock girls (sorry about the blatant plug to my own story). I'm going to try and be good at life this time and update every Friday (NZ time) and if I don't I promise you'll get a bonus chapter when I next post. As always please let me know what you thought, and let me know if you've any suggestions about the story!