~ Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing ~
|
Heero Yuy as Sailor Wing (Sailor
Moon)
And Introducing...
|
The
scene opens with a shot of what appears to be a dark, dinky old basement,
with a Ghostbusters sign taped over the door. The Ghost part has been hastily
crossed out with a red pen, and replaced with the word Death scrawled over
it in spidery, chicken-scratch handwriting. Cheesy, typical, villain-is-about-to-appear
background music starts to play, as a withered old man who looks like he
hasn't taken a decent shower in years slowly makes his way to the door
and uses the tip of the tree branch that serves as his cane to prod it
open. Stepping inside, he coughs a bit, then slowly walks over to a series
of test tubes.
"Lucrezia
Noin," the old man croaks, and at his command, a statuesque young woman
with short, stylish dark hair and cold amethsyt eyes appears behind him.
"Yes,
Dr. J?" she asks obediently. The scraggly old man who looks like he hasn't
taken a shower in years says something about how he's completed the eggs
of daimon which would detect humans with pure hearts. Noin opens her mouth,
about to ask a question, when all of a sudden, a bomb explodes somewhere.
In bursts a group of shadowy silhouettes; apparently, there were four guys
and one girl with long hair. A spotlight moved to shine on the figure
standing in the middle, a boy with an unruly mane of dark brown hair and
piercing cobalt-blue eyes, who promptly stepped forward and deadpanned
in a monotone voice, "Hold it right there, evil villains. We are the Knight
Sabers, and we are here to stop you."
"CUT!!!"
a voice screams somewhere. The lights of the mysterious, darkened basement
go on in a snap, bathing everything in light and revealing that the 'girl'
of the group was actually a teenage boy with long brown hair tied back
in a butt-length braid. As the group standing in the middle of the 'basement',
which turns out to actually be a movie set, turns around to see who has
made the interruption, a short, fat man slowly gets out of his director's
chair and Godzillas toward the group of actors standing in the middle of
the set.
"What
the hell is wrong with you people?!" the short, fat man hollers. Turning
his glare to the blue-and-red-clad boy who made the Knight Sabers announcement,
he screams, "First of all, you're the Sailor Gundams! We're trying to shoot
a spin off of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, not Bubblegum Crisis!"
Heero Yuy glares at the short, fat man who had
just lumbered out of his chair--obviously the director of the flick--and
mutters an ominous, "Omae o korosu." However, the director, who doesn't
know a word of Japanese (except the ones that get him in trouble with Japanese
people), mumbles, "Yah, well back at you, pally!", and simply ignores Heero's
death threat. Sweeping the entire group with a glare from his squinty black
eyes, the short, fat director them mutters, "Okay then, now that we've
cleared up a few misunderstandings, let's try that again, shall we?" He
motions to one of the crew members with a snap of his fingers, who promptly
gets in front of the camera and prepares to initiate the second try.
"Bishounen
Senshi Sailor Wing, Act One, Take Two."
"Sylia
Stingray...Hajimemashite."
The director sighs, and slaps his forehead.
"I
knew I never should have rented that BCG tape," he mumbles to himself.
* * *
"...And
that is why I like Sailor DSH video games so much," Heero finished woodenly,
in his usual cold, emotionless monotone. He glances around at the group
of 'Sailor Gundams' gathered around the small table around him, who had
all either dozed off or were on the verge of doing it.
"CUT!!!"
the director hollers. Heero frowns, shooting a brief, longing glance at
his trusty pistol, which has now been locked inside a shatterproof glass
case and guarded by four burly security guards, after that little...*ahem*,
incident that involved the director, the gun, and a seriously aggravated
Heero Yuy. As the director rumbles toward him, Heero idly wonders what
it is that he has done wrong now. It certainly can't be his fault; he had
read the ten-paragraph explanation of why his character loved Sailor DSH
video games so much without stumbling over a single line, and there wasn't
anything in the script that he hadn't done. In fact, it was the other G-boys
who were at fault...they dozed off, after all! As the director finally
roly-polies over to Heero, he complains, "Heero, baby, that was perfect,
but I think you need a little more zest...some more enthusiasm for your
product! Try to sound like one of those hyperactive salespeople you see
on TV commercials, squeal and gush, like you're really excited--"
"No,"
comes the flat response.
"...A
bit more energy, try to squeak and sound more high-pitched to show that
you're really into your video games--What? What do you mean no?" the director
pauses, trying to adjust to this break into his flow.
"I
said no. It wouldn't look good for my image for me to be squealing like
a schoolgirl," Heero repeats coldly.
"Well
I say yes, and I'm the director, so HAH!" the director snaps.
"And
I say no," Heero retorts stubbornly.
"I
said yes!" the director howls, beginning to lose his patience.
"And
I say...Omae o korosu," Heero growls, suddenly jumping up and making a
mad dash for the glass case containing his precious pistol. He raises one
fist and smashes it against the glass, but as it is shatterproof, nothing
happens, and seconds later, four uniformed, five-hundred-pound security
guards have tackled him, and are working to 'restrain' the trigger-happy
ex-Wing pilot.
Two Days Later...
"Act
Ten, Take Five-Hundred-and-Thirty-Two."
"Ooh,
and that is why I just absolutely adore Sailor DSH
video
games! I mean, they're, like, just totally awesome, like, ya
know, and there isn't anything cooler than Sailor DSH,
except, like, maybe me, the great Shinigami--I mean, Hero Yuiee
and Sailor Bing, naturally--and like, the leader of the Sailor Gundams,
and like, the one with the coolest hairdo, and like, I even got my own
personal stalker, and like, I get a cool stick thingie and you guys don't,
and like, like, like..." Duo Maxwell, dressed in Heero's red-blue-and-white
Sailor fuku (which was a couple sizes too small for him and therefore revealed
a little bit more than it really should...*ahem*!), was standing
in front of the camera, basking in the spotlight and wearing a silly grin
on his face, his yard-long braid tucked back in a bun-type hairstyle to
make it seem shorter than it really was, and with his bangs stretched longer
than usual (with some help from Trowa's hair gel) so that it fell over
his eyes. He was blabbing his mouth off, unnecessarily over-zesty in his
speech about how cool the Sailor DSH video game was.
"CUT!
CUT! CUUUUUT!!!" a voice screamed. Duo stopped his chatter and glanced
back, wondering what the director was complaining about now. However, the
director was snoozing in his director's chair, making snoring noises that
sounded like a cross between an elephant trying to blow its nose and a
gorilla gurgling. So who had yelled Cut so adamantly? Duo's wide-eyed
stare fell on a corner of the set, where a small hospital bed had been
placed. Bandaged up like a mummy and with IV tubes poking into every part
of his body, Heero Yuy was practically tearing his hair out at Duo's little
impersonation of himself.
"The
Great Heero Perfect Soldier Yuy does not talk like some weak, silly
valley girl! INJUSTICE!" Heero screamed. Duo sweatdropped.
"Eh...I
always wondered what it was that you and Wufei were talking about
during our last cast party," he mumbled.
* * *
Six Weeks After That...
The
Sailor Gundams, led by a fully recovered Heero Yuy/Sailor Wing, were facing
off against some kid dressed up as the monster-of-the-day, standing in
full attack poses and for once not screwing up. At that moment, a pink
silk rose flew down, started in the direction of the daimon, and then veered
off-course at the last minute and smacked full-force into Chang Wufei.
"KISAMAAAA!!!"
However, the pink-tuxedo-and-cape-clad girl poised
precariously on a nearby tree branch paid no attention to that particular
outburst, as she calmly straightened her white eye mask and patted down
her light, sandy-brown hair, as cheesy violin music started playing in
the background.
"Shame
on you, soulless daimon, for attacking my HEEEERO and trying to destroy
the pure hearts of the lovely civilians that populate this Earth. I am
Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I will not allow the likes of evil demons like
yourself to pollute this universe. For I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I..."
the pink-tuxedo-clad Relena Peacecraft starts to babble.
*Crack*. *Crack*. *Craaaack*.
The tree branch promptly snaps in two, sending
itself and Relena perched on top of it tumbling onto the ground below.
"Oof!"
Relena grunts, as she smacks full-force into the daimon that she had been
preaching to.
"CUT!"
comes the cry from the director.
"Act
Sixty-Seven, Take Fourteen."
Relena Peacecraft, teetering precariously on
the broken tree branch (which has been pieced back together with masking
tape), holds her breath as the wood starts to make cracking noises, then
lets it out a few minutes later after discovering that, masking tape and
all, it manages to hold her weight.
"Shame
on you, you daimon, you soulless creature, for attempting to harm the lovely
Sailor Gundams and trying to steal the pure heart of an innocent human
being," she begins to preach. "I have never met such a vengeful being as
yourself or your master, Daimon, but I do know that there is no need for
you to continue this meaningless, miserable existence, taking orders from
your master and living for the sole purpose of fulfilling his wishes. There
is no need for you to be intimidated by your lord anymore; in fact, you
should start over. Begin anew, throw down your weapons, and embrace the
ideals of absolute pacifism that I, Tuxedo Peace Kamen, have adopted. After
all, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, the ultimate guru of absolute pacifism, and
I can teach you those very ideals. There is a road leading to ultimate
peace. And upon that road, we can walk together, in harmony, to reach absolute
pacifism. And, since I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, I can teach you, you lost,
soulless daimon, how to achieve ultimate pacifism and be able to hug the
Sailor Gundams and become friends with them, and since I am Tuxedo Peace
Kamen, I can help you create a world of absolute pacifism for yourself.
After all, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen..."
Two Hours Later...
"...And those are the Thirteen Articles of Harmony leading to the Book of Absolute Pacifism. Now, let us talk about the world--and what it has become, daimon dearest. After all, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I can listen to your problems and help you overcome them to achieve your goal--which, by now, should be living in a world devoid of the pains and sorrows of foolish battles--and we can all embrace each other and become friends. As you may know, I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and I can help you in your journey to create a world where absolute pacifism isn't just a dream anymore..."
Three Hours After That...
"...We
should not be fighting each other at all. I am Tuxedo Peace Kamen, and
I demand that you throw down your weapons and embrace the ideals of absolute
pacifism that I, Tuxedo Peace Kamen, have taught you. Remember, I am Tuxedo
Peace Kamen, and I can help you in your quest of creating a world where
absolute pacifism is practiced by every nation of the world and the space
colonies..."
Daimon: *SNORE*
* * *
Six Weeks Later...
(And no, Relena isn't preaching anymore!)
Heero
Yuy, Duo Maxwell, Trowa Barton, Quatre Raberba Winner, and Chang Wufei
are all crammed into a bunch of bleachers, watching a 'motorcycle race'.
At that moment, a sleek, shiny, maroon-red-and-black bike zips straight
past the bleachers, throwing up a cloud of dust and splattering the hapless
group with dirt.
"KISAMA!"
Gee, wonder from whom that came from?
"Oh,
wow. Zechs is such an awesome racer," Heero recited woodenly, not sounding
the least bit impressed or excited.
"Like,
I know, and, like, he's just so cool, like, ya know, and, like, I love
his motorcycle, and, like, I wish I could, like, ya know, like race those
motorcycle thingies, and, like, I bet I'd look, like, cooler than, like,
Zechs does on his, like, silly bike, and, like, like, like--" Duo started
to do his valley girl (valley boy?) impersonation.
"Duo,
omae o korosu," an irate Heero snapped, obviously still a little
ticked off about the whole 'Hero Yuiee/Sailor Bing' incident.
"And
the winner of this race is...Zechs Merquise!" a deep-voiced announcer boomed
dramatically over the speakers. Silence. Duo coughed discreetly. Quatre
looked embarrassed. Heero stared straight forward with a flat, almost bored
expression on his face.
"Ahem...I
said,
'And the winner of this race is Zechs Merquise'!" the actor playing the
announcer repeated irritably. Silence. Duo frowned. Quatre began to turn
pink. Heero continued to stare off into space.
"For
crying out loud, the winner of this stupid race is Zechs Merquise!" the
announcer practically shouted. Still nothing from Heero. Finally, a rather
embarrassed Duo poked his impassive comrade in the ribs and hissed, "That's
your cue, Heero!" Heero's eyebrows twitched, before he dutifully intoned,
"Oh wow, I can't believe Zechs won the race."
"CUT!
Heero, baby, your acting's...er, unique, but you've got to put more emotion
into your words! Try to squeal, like you're really excited, put a little
more zest into your words--"
*Gunshot*
* * *
Two Weeks Later...
Lady
Une, main financial backer of the Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing: The
Movie project, sighed irritably and began to shuffle through the mountain
of paperwork piled on her desk, pausing briefly only to rub her temples.
At that moment, a phone rang, shattering the silence, and the dark-eyed
young woman sitting behind the desk allowed a flicker of surprise to briefly
flash across her features, before reaching over and picking up the phone.
"Good
morning--" she began to say, but the person on the other line cut her off
impatiently and proceeded to fill her in on the recent delays concerning
the movie. Lady Une listened in silence for a moment, and when the caller
got to the end of his message, her arched eyebrows had nearly disappeared
into her hairline.
"What?!"
she shouted into the mouthpiece, nearly popping the eardrums of the hapless
person on the other line. "What do you mean he shot at the director?"
Lady Une listened grimly while the caller, holding
the phone two feet away from his busted ear, explained the situation to
her. When he was finished, she sighed irritably and muttered, "All right,
all right. But I'm gonna have to get a loan from the bank to bail him out
from jail--yet again. You do realize that he's squeezing our funds
dry with his constant gunfights, don't you? Make sure this doesn't happen
again." After her stern order, there was a stream of hasty apologies from
the caller, before a curious Lady Une asked, "By the way, if Heero's in
jail, then who's filling in for him?"
A tall, slender boy with longish hair the color of bronze and calm, almost deadpan green eyes was standing amidst the group of Sailor Gundams, dressed in a white sailor fuku with a blue collar and skirt and high-heeled red boots. Standing to one side of him were Quatre Raberba Winner and Chang Wufei, wearing their Sailors Sandrock and Shenlong uniforms, while to his other side was the solitary figure of the violet-eyed Duo Maxwell, decked out in his Sailor Deathscythe uniform. Propped up next to Duo was a life-size dummy, dressed up in the green-white-and-pink uniform of Sailor Heavyarms. The green-eyed boy standing in the middle of the group opened his mouth and deadpanned in a soft, emotionless voice, "I am Trowa Barton. Just call me Sailor Wing."
* * *
Six Days Later...
Heero
(who's been bailed out of jail thanks to our ever-dependable Lady Une)
stood crouched around the still figure of Marimeia Khushrenada. Behind
him were the rest of the Sailor Gundams, and standing in a corner close
to the bishounen was the pink-clad figure of Relena/Tuxedo Peace Kamen.
Poised several yards in front of the group was a slim figure wearing a
rather revealing red dress and a pair of spiked high heels. The red-clad
woman, apparently playing the villain, took a step closer to the Sailor
Gundams and Tuxedo Peace Kamen, a smirk on her faces.
"Give
it up, you cross-dressing hero-wannabes," the dark-haired, violet-eyed
young woman spat out nastily. "I don't want to pick a catfight with the
likes of you; just let me have this pipsqueak's heart crystal and I promise
I'll spare your lives."
"Grumblegrumblegrumblenomuttermuttermutteromaeokorosu,"
mumbled Heero. Lucrezia Noin paused for a minute to adjust the sleeve of
her short red dress, before continuing.
"Fine
then, so you'll hand her over to me the hard way. It's your choice." And
she started to advance toward the group that had gathered around the supposedly
unconscious Marimeia.
A flutter
of rose petals, a few bars of violin music, and a low, throaty male voice
growling, "Don't even think about it, Noin." The violin music continued
to play, while the shadow effects were lifted to triumphantly reveal two
new figures standing back-to-back in a corner. The taller, blue-white-and-gold-clad
one had long, platinum-blonde hair and cold, ice-blue eyes, while his green-white-and-blue-clad
partner had aristocratic good looks, short, ginger-colored hair, and sapphire-blue
eyes. The two young men struck individual poses that were meant to
be triumphant (but then again, were also meant for young girls to strike).
"Agent
of love and strength, Bishounen Senshi Sailor Epyon!" the one who had spoken
first introduced himself.
"Agent
of love and elegance, Bishounen Senshi Sailor Tallgeese II," his ginger-haired
comrade followed suit.
"It's
the Outer Gundams," Heero muttered grumpily.
"More feeling, more zest, more emotion--" the now-Kevlar-clad director started to butt in. Bang! Bang! Bang!
The
phone in Lady Une's officer rang. The tired and weary young woman sighed
heavily, before reaching over with one well-manicured hand and picking
it up.
"Lady
Une speaking," she mumbled into the mouthpiece, sighing again. The person
on the other line hesitantly began to speak, and when he was finished,
Lady Une sighed for the third time.
"I
see, I see," she murmured. "Okay, let me just dash over to the bank and
withdraw some money for the bail. Trigger-Happy Heero struck again, right?"
However, the caller had something to add, and
when he stopped talking, Lady Une nearly rocketed right through the ceiling.
"What?!"
she screeched, so loudly that a number of people came rushing into her
office to see what was wrong. However, the distressed Lady Une didn't even
bother to acknowledge their presence, as she wailed in consternation, "Heero
and
Zechs?!"
* * *
Sixteen Long Weeks After That...
"And cut! Okay, that's a wrap, people. I want this edited immediately. We are already four months behind schedule, due to a few unfortunate incidents involving the cast and your previous director, but now that we have finally finished this movie, I want this released as soon as possible. Got that?" Neon Genesis Evangelion's blonde-haired, green-eyed Akagi Ritsuko, the new director for the Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing movie, glanced expectantly at the crew members gathered in front of her, and when there was a general shaking of heads, she ordered, "All right, then. You all know your jobs. I want this movie finished as soon as possible. Let's hurry it up, people!"
At
that moment, her cell phone rang. The young woman absently plucked it out
of her coat and flipped the small gadget open.
"Ritsuko
speaking," she mumbled distractedly, glancing around at the set, where
a couple of crew members were taking down the props that made up the final
scene of the movie. After the caller finished speaking, Ritsuko said smoothly,
"Don't worry, Miss Une. The film has been finished in four months, the
cast and crew will get paid within two days, I can assure you of that,
and while
Sailor Wing's release date hasn't been confirmed yet,
it is quite possible that the movie will be able to come out in theaters
this summer." On the other line, Lady Une breathed a huge sigh of relief;
she knew that hiring the brisk and efficient NERV Chief Technician
and Chairwoman of Project E for the position of the SW movie director had
been a good idea.
"By
the way, Miss Une," Ritsuko was saying, "I've made a few minor adjustments
to the script. You don't mind...do you?"
* * *
Three Months Later...
The
eager audience hushed down as soon as the preview advertising some slapstick
comedy due to be released in September ended and the screen darkened considerably.
One little girl munching on her popcorn turned to face her mother and chirped
brightly, "Oh, I hope that this will be as fun as my Sailor Moon tapes."
"I'm
sure it will, honey," her mother assured her, smiling fondly at her daughter's
eager anticipation.
At that moment, the instrumental notes that began Moonlight Densetsu, the original Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon opening, could be heard. Although the instruments had been altered slightly, one could still tell that it was Moonlight. After the instrumental bit, Takahashi Youko, the singer who had performed Evangelion's opening, Zankoku na Tenshi no Te-ze, started singing a much more techno, J-pop-style version of the original song. And then, the opening to Bishounen Senshi Sailor Wing: The Movie, began.
I'm sorry, I'm not gentle
*Wufei is shown chasing a bunch of schoolgirls
around, bellowing "Weak ONNAS!!!"*
I can say it in my dreams
*A sleeping Duo appears, sprawled all over his
bed, one thumb in his mouth and an SD Deathscythe plushie doll tucked under
his arm, mumbling something about the Great Shinigami*
My thoughts are about to short circuit
*Quatre, trapped inside the Wing Zero, has a
glazed look in his eyes as steam starts shooting from his ears, signaling
system overload*
I want to be with you now!
*Heero zips past a group of startled shoppers,
with Relena in hot pursuit and yodeling "HEEEEEROOOO!!!" at the top of
her lungs*
The moonlight makes me want to cry
*"Oh, my darling Susannah, you have finally returned
to me!" a cheesy male voice on the TV whispers, while Relena, watching
her daily soaps, starts on her second box of tissues*
I can't even call, it's midnight!
*Heero's bedside phone starts ringing; the dark-haired
boy promptly whips out a revolver and shoots it, then goes back to sleep*
But I'm so innocent, what should I do?
*Our cute, lovable lil' Quatre stares in dismay
at the mounds of paperwork on his desk, and sighs sadly, preparing for
another long day at the office*
My heart is a kaleidoscope
*Sally is shown handing Wufei an X-ray of his
chest. "Where's the heart part?" Wufei demands. Sally sweatdrops. "Oops."*
Guided by the light of the moon
*The Wing Zero starts blasting OZ Leos, the fire
from its beam rifles lighting up the night sky*
We meet by chance, again and again...
*Relena climbs on top of a mall fountain, cups
her hands around her mouth, and hollers, "HEEEROOO!!! Come back and kill
meeeee!", while Heero discreetly ducks into the nearest store--The Susie
Homemaker Utopia*
The countless shining stars above us foretell
love's whereabouts
*Wufei pops onto the screen. "Stargazing is for
the weak. JUSTICE!!!"*
Born on the same Earth
*Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei are shown
standing in their respective colonies*
A miracle romance
*Heero points a gun at Relena. "Omae o korosu."
"When?" "When I feel like it, onna." "Ah, you've been talking to Wufei,
I see."*
As the opening started to fade into silence and the first scene began, one could hear Lady Une holler in dismay, "You call this a few minor adjustments?!"