I'm exhausted after staying up to 3.00 am and waking at 7, the joys of an insomniac. Anyway, personal shiz in this and yes the Austrailian girl is true. But, I will never tell because I would look creepy ;) Different from other storys, but awell. I don't know what this feeling is. But, I'm annoyed at everything. The reason? Nothing. There is no reason. It's just one of those things I go through. I say annoyed, but I mean sad. Not depressed, because I'm 'too young' to feel that as critics say. It's nothing I can help or solve. I hope to succeed one day to over coming this feeling, because it takes over my life. I find it hard to respond to friends texts messages, or listen to music. And as we all know, I listen to music All the time and it is a huge part of my life. There is nothing specific wrong, but you feel so low. But, you cannot do anything about it. You miss people who are toxic in your life, simply because your toxic mind needs another to connect and create something even more toxic. I myself cannot cry, although I wish I could. It just doesn't happen. No tears of happiness, sadness, or frustration. Nothing. Do you know how fucking terrible that is? You can't tell anyone how you're feeling,because you know someone else is going through worse. I want to take out the war in my mind and release it, but I only know one way how to. I raise my blade as my phone plays a song which I currently do not care for is playing in the background is playing. It beeps and there is a notification, a message from a friend. A simple, 'Hey'. I set down my phone and continue my venture to realise my untold pain, to try and relive something - anything. The point of no return has been crossed. What's the point of taking out all the pain out on yourself? There is no point. It's an impulse, that you just need to do. There is nothing wrong, but to me there is everything wrong. Some nights it gets to the point where it's like, 'I can't go on' and I'm determined to finally finish it. I wasn't killed by suicide,I was killed by sadness - but you won't understand that. Two months clean of no cutting, purging or anything. But no-one else knows that, so technically the only one I'm failing or disappointing is myself. Currently writing this on my phone as the laptop brightness will hurt my eyes, it's 12:16 am and I have school at 7 - tired is what I will be tomorrow. You see, I have mood swings and it's a natural occurrence for my friends to see that side of me. They're probably laughing, enjoying life. While my twisted, asshole mind is trying to calm itself. I don't feel close to anyone, I mean, I may feel that they are close to me - but not the other way around. I want to cry: so fucking bad. But, I can't. I need to let it go, it's been long enough. Four years to be exact, and I'm still not okay with it. Not okay with myself, not okay with my grades, not okay with my personality - but okay with this random girl I totally like. Problem is, she's 18. And from Australia. Alex. It seems like everyone on twitter likes her, but that's not what has me down. What has me down, is the fact she is broken - but I can't fix her. Oh, and how badly I want to fix her. I think my future beholds a different path to others, mine is to stay broken and rattled while fixing others - but still remain broken. I want to feel something, other than this. I want to feel heartbroken, twisted isn't it? Because I, want to feel something anything - I beg you. Scream, shout and punch me, make me feel fucking SOMETHING. My heart is heavy, and it hurts for no-one but for my mind. It's approaching 12:30 and I still haven't went to sleep, and my mind is still racing and pumping stupid shit that I continue to type on my phone. My mind is fucking cruel, and my body knows this but it still does not reject it. It's come to the point where I would have to go on you tube and look up a video to MAKE me laugh, just so I could be standed by throughout the day. Because who wants to deal with me? This is totally pointless, and I am totally useless. But one thing I promise you my dear, is that even though I'm broken..I will fix you. Alex, I will fix you.