A short one-shot. Inspired by a Grey's Anatomy quote and a quote I saw on Tumblr.
Disclaimer: haha, joke's on you, I don't own Castle.
She stands there, frozen. She wanted to fall and break into a million pieces but of course, she couldn't do that in the middle of his study. No word could describe the amount of shock and betrayal she was feeling. She could sense the other body in the room and speak up for what seemed like a lifetime.
"Why..why are you showing me this?" Her voice quivered.
"You need to know," Rick's voice answers from behind her.
Kate turns around to look at him, standing there in the doorway, as if he's there to block her exit. She wants to run. To run away like she always does but she needs a reason. A reason from him.
"How long.." she asks.
"Since after the shooting." He answers calmly.
Richard Castle aches. Aches for the woman in front of him and aches for himself. He has no clue what's going on in her head and that scares him a little bit.
"Kate," he steps forward but stops quickly when she raises a hand to stop him.
"Castle..." she takes a deep breath while Castle holds his, "Why? Why are you doing this?"
"I," he stammers, "I have to."
"You have to?" She repeats with disbelief in her voice, "You've got a lot of nerve to tell me.. to order me to stop yet you go around, behind my back and..." she turns back to face the murder board, "and play around with my mother's case?"
Castle suddenly feels defensive at her statement, "Hey, I am not playing."
"Then why, Rick? How could you?"
"Because you can't stand it."
"Stand what?"
"Kate, you think you're fooling everyone? It's killing you, isn't it? Trying to get rid of the want to solve your mother's case and yet you still try to hide your.."
"Hide my what, Castle?" He could tell she was starting to get irritated.
"Hide your PTSD. You're not up to it, Kate. You're not ready."
This was the first time someone has brought up PTSD with her aside from her therapist. She ignored the topic and tried to understand what Castle said.
"Castle, you need to be a lot more specific because all your words are sounding a lot like crap to me."
He hesitated. He hesitated, but he didn't back down. Instead, he prepared for what he was about to say,
"You almost died, Kate. You almost died by diving head first into your mother's case. It kills me to know how much you want to keep jumping in. I thought that.." he licks his lips to prevent them from drying up, "I thought that if I could steer you away, to give yourself time to recover, I'd jump in for you."
"Richard Castle, that is the most idiotic thing of you to think of. You have no reason to do this,"
"Kate, no matter what, they are gunning for you. If I could at least step in front of you and protect you, I'd feel a lot better about myself."
"Feel a lot better? Castle, please. What is this really about?"
Please? Did Kate Beckett just beg him?
"If it wasn't for me, Kate. None of this would have happened. We would have never known about Dick Coonan, we wouldn't have your mother's case fresh in our minds and you wouldn't have gotten-"
"Stop it. Castle, this is not your fault. Is that why you're investigating it? Because you're feeling guilty?"
"No. I'm not doing this because I feel guilty. I'm doing this for you. For you, Kate."
"I'm not following,"
He sighs. Tonight's going to be a long night. "I'm doing this because you can't. If you jump back into this case, you're in the cross-hairs again, Kate. You need to understand that they want you as much as you want them." Kate moves past him to leave his study, "Where are you going?" He asks, broken.
She turns around with the look of conflict on her face, "What about you, Rick? Do you know what will happen to you if you stick your nose further into this? Do you know how hard it'll be for me if...if something happens to you?"
Rick stands there. There's too much distance between them and he hates it. Hates it all. Hates that her mother was murdered. Hates that they never found the killer and they got so close but then she got shot. Hates that she has a wall built up strong and tall. Hates that she won't mention a thing about his confession of love for her. Hates that he's in this position. But for her? For Kate? Richard Castle would do anything to make her happy again. And he'd do anything to keep her happy.
"You promised we'd do this together, Castle," Kate breaks the silence.
"But..I..." He sighs, words failing him once again.
"Speak up, Rick. Now or never."
He breathed in deeply, "I don't want you back in there. I don't want you looking for this man. I don't want you putting your life on the line. I don't want you hurting the people around you. I don't want your dad to go through it again," He can see it. He's finally getting to her. He can see it in her face. The way her eyebrows stop frowning, the way her back slouches a bit in defeat, "and most importantly, Kate..I don't want to lose you, again. Not like this, not ever." Now or never, right? This is it. Whatever she wants to hear, he'll say it. Whatever she doesn't want to hear, he'll say it, "You think you've got nothing to lose? You'll lose your life, Kate, and all the ones in it. Your dad and I are not the only ones who care for you. Can you imagine if Ryan and Esposito lost you? What about Lanie? My mother? Alexis? Just because your mom is gone, Kate.. it doesn't mean you don't have a family anymore."
Kate steps a little closer, her voice softer this time. "What do you want me to do, Rick?"
The sound of vulnerable Kate. Oh, how he loves her. One minute, he loves her. The next minute, he really, really loves her, "Pick me. Choose me, Kate. Choose me and not your mother's case. If you go that way, you'll lose your life and everything you worked for. But, I can give you a whole new one. I'm not asking you to completely drop your mother's case or stop hoping because I can't do that. I'd hate myself if I ever asked that of you. But I'm asking you to stop searching. If something comes up, it comes up. If it comes back again, then fine. We'll deal with it when that time comes. I'll stop once I know you won't go back to it."
She's looking down. Afraid of what she'll see on his face. Afraid of the love that she doesn't deserve. She exhales, "Castle.." she pauses, and gathers her words, "you don't want.."
She inhales again..not knowing what to say, what to do.
"I know you remember." He says so quiet she almost didn't make out what he said. Confused, she looks up. "I know you remember your shooting. I know that you had to deal with things. I did too, Kate. When I found out,"
"Wait, how did you find out?"
"You said it yourself. Interrogation..bomb case.." He reminded her. Reminded her of her mistake she hadn't realized she made.
Realization hits her, finally putting the clues together. "So, that's why.. that's why you've been acting this way."
"I admit that I acted a bit... childish."
"That wasn't childish, Castle. That was.. hurt and anger. I wish I had known.."
"No, Kate.. I wish I had known. I wish I'd known sooner. I don't care if you don't feel the same way. I don't care if you just want me around as your friend..but I want you to know that I care about you. I want you to know, that no matter what..we'll do this together."
"Castle.. listen to me," She steps much closer to him, reaching for his hands, "You have to understand why..why I lied." Castle's eyes lower to the ground, "I didn't tell you because I was hurt..not by you, but by everything and everyone else. I wanted to heal. I wanted to be better.. for me, for my dad..for you." At the mention of him, Castle finally looks her in the eyes. "But, I was a coward. I shouldn't have kept it longer than I have. I shouldn't have wasted all that time, but...I needed..I need closure. And I thought I could get that before I could be ready. But, I was wrong. No one has all the time in the world, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry-"
"Kate," he cuts her off, entwining their hands, locking their eyes together. A moment passed before he speaks again.
"I love you.. for all that you are, all that you have been, and all you're yet to be." The compassion in his tone, the love in his eyes, the tenderness of his hands, Kate no longer held it in. Tears slowly stream down her face while she wrapped her arms around his neck. She knows she needs to hold him. Hold him then. Hold him now. Hold him forever.
He held her tightly, not wanting to let go but she slowly moved a few inches away from him to look him in the eyes. "I love you, too, Rick. So much." She lightly pressed their lips together then broke apart, with a smile creeping onto her face, "So very much." And it was his turn to take over her lips.
Thoughts? ...or no thoughts?