A/N: Hello All! I am happy to be back at it and to finally be posting this story. I have been working on this for quite a while and am excited for you all to read it.

Shout out to LoisAndClarkSuperfan for putting up with me throughout the long journey that got us to this point and for helping me along the way! Check out her work if you haven't already, you won't regret it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order SVU or any of the characters

Ch.1

He's exhausted. If nothing else is certain, exhaustion is something definite. Elliot Stabler has had one hell of a day...scratch that, week. Having your teenage daughter arrested for breaking and entering would put any parent on edge, let alone a seasoned detective with more than enough to deal with on his plate. Both professionally and personally. The past few days have been nothing but a roller coaster.

His mother, being the woman she was and having the relationship he had with her, or lack thereof, and along with the baggage of his past being brought up in full force simply added to the stress.

Even though knowing his daughter was safe and getting the help she needed was all he had wanted in the first place, he had left a destructive wake in his path getting there. His wife was beyond furious with him, pushing her to the extreme limits of any woman to understand her husband, especially when trying to protect her child, but this was nothing new to him. The decades long marriage had suffered through its fair share of hard times, but they had always made it through, even if it wasn't something that he had always wanted ...and it was most certainly not what he wanted now.

Out of all the relationships he had practically ruined in the span of days, all of the bridges he had burned down, the relationship he had with his partner was the one he wanted... no needed, to fix the most.

Elliot had spent the last few hours after the trial had ended in the cribs, his mind going over what she had said: Maybe God remembered how cute you were as a carrot. Olivia had talked to his mother, and he was slightly taken off guard when that revelation hadn't pissed him off but had brought him a sense of comfort and a feeling of something else he wouldn't let his mind ponder for too long. Even after leaving her in the dark about his mother, allowing her to believe she was dead and not doing a thing to clear the air, Olivia still had his back...cared enough about Kathleen to go to the one person she knew could help him and his daughter. That was the kind of person, woman, she was though and he shouldn't have been surprised. However bad he had fucked up, he needed to make it right and he owed her an explanation.

SVU

Olivia Benson sat on the counter in her kitchen, sipping on a glass of wine, emotionally and physically drained on all levels. Taking a slow sip from her glass, she didn't even know where to start on trying to work through what she was thinking... feeling.

That word, feeling, was never one she had enjoyed dealing with. It brought on confusion and lack of understanding, among other unwanted things. One Elliot Stabler was at the forefront of her mind, and if she was being honest with herself, he always was. It was astonishing to her that one man could be as infuriating as he was.

Taking another long sip from her glass she rolled her head from side to side, working out the knots in her neck. Working through her feelings she decided that she was more hurt than angry. All she wanted to do was help him, help his daughter and his family because she never wants to see him suffering. She can't remember seeing him as lost as he did this week. It was heart breaking.

She sighed, setting her glass down next to her and running her fingers through her hair, pulling it back into a short pony tail. His mothers words rang through her head, My son plays it pretty close to the vest. She shook her head as a ghost of a smirk danced across her lips, understatement of the year. The worst part of it all was that she felt like she didn't have his trust, that he felt like he couldn't talk to her when he was the first person she always ran to. It was complicated, in so many ways.

Hopping off the counter, she grabbed her glass and headed toward her bedroom in search of a change of clothes. Setting the glass on her nightstand she stripped from her day and went to her drawer, pulling out a pair of leggings and a loose t-shirt as she heard the pounding on her door.

"Coming," she called out, pulling up the leggings and then the shirt over her head. She knew who it was long before she looked through the peep hole and threw open the door. "Elliot...what are you doing here?"

He shrugged and held up a plastic take out bag as a way of explaining.

"Come in," she sighed, stepping off to the side so that he could make his way through the door. The brush of his arm against hers sending a shiver down her spine.

Elliot went to the kitchen, shrugging his coat off his shoulders and going to her cabinets, pulling down two plates. He opened the cartons of Chinese food and dumped some out on each plate, hyper aware of the woman who was leaning against bar watching his every move. He set the containers up and peered up at her, chancing a glance and hoping to gauge her mood.

"Hungry?" He asked, pulling out a drawer and getting two forks.

She nodded, "Beer?"

"Please," he replied, taking their plates into the living room.

Popping the top off of two beers, she followed him into the living room, setting down his beer and taking her plate from the table as she sat down on the love seat.

They sat in silence for a while, each consumed by their own thoughts. There was never really an awkward silence between them but something in the air wasn't quite settling. The unanswered questions and feelings leaving a charged energy in the room.

She wanted to know why he came to her apartment but she wanted to enjoy the quiet time...with him. Just being near Elliot was enough to calm her but added a new dimension to all she felt, the draw she had to him was as present as ever.

He took a big swig from his beer, looking at her from over the bottle and allowing himself the thoughts that were running through his mind. Olivia was beautiful and she meant more to him than he would have ever expected.

"Liv," he sighed, scrubbing his hands down his face as she turned her attention to him.

"Hmm," she hummed, suddenly feeling self conscious. She sat back into the chair, pulling hers legs underneath of her and resting her head in her hand, waiting for him to continue. She realized that he was struggling with where to begin, trying to find the right words before he spoke again.

"I'm sorry," he finally said, turning his head so he could see her.

"Why didn't you tell me about her? After everything you know about me, about my mom," she asked and he knows he's hurt her by the tone of her voice.

If he really thought about it, there's not a clear answer, he doesn't have a real reason as to why he's never talked about his mother. There's a fleeting thought that passes through his mind, he wanted to be strong for her, let her come to him with her problems and not dump his baggage on her.

"It was a long time ago...I don't let it bother me anymore but I should have told you...you should have known," he admitted quietly, his elbows resting against his thighs.

Olivia nodded, her fingers gliding along the beer bottle, "What was harder?" His brow furrowed so she explained further, "Dealing with your mom or dad."

"Dad," he says almost immediately. "He made the choices he did...they were intentional. My mom is the way she is because that's just how it is, she didn't chose the disease...I know she never wanted to hurt me."

As much as she had wanted the truth, to know what he was thinking and feeling, it was almost too much to bear. She can't even wrap her head around the things he went through as a child. An abusive father and a less than competent mother couldn't have been easy to grow up with. At least she only had her mother to worry about.

"You saw her?"

She knows it's not so much of a question as it is a statement, but she nods anyway.

"Thank you," he said softly, his voice filled with generosity. "I appreciate what you did for Kathleen."

"I just wanted to help."

"You did...you always do."

She's watching him, the way he's looking at her and the way his voice comes out softer than she thinks she's ever heard it before. Something shifted and she felt the urge to touch him hitting her full force. His eyes on her are not unwelcome but she's self conscious, especially with what she sees in his eyes.

"Another beer?" Olivia asked, clearing her throat.

"Uh, yeah...sure," he answered after a moment and he realized he had been staring at her.

She grabbed the empty plates from the table and he followed her into the kitchen, dumping the bottles into the trash. "How is Kathy handling everything?"

Elliot shrugged, "She's doing fine...I think." He realized as soon as he said it that it wasn't a good answer, not the type of answer a husband should give for his wife.

She was quiet for a moment, sensing the shift in his stance and his facial features as his brow furrowed. Holding out the beer for him, he took it, pushing his thoughts to the back of his mind when his fingers graze hers. It's as if just the slightest touch from her can soothe him but it's so much more, longing for that connection to be more than just an innocent touch.

"How are you doing with Kathleen?" Olivia asked, rephrasing the question because she needed to know that he was okay. His welfare always came before anything else.

He shrugged and took a long swig from his bottle. Truth was, every minute that passed by he was getting better. Every minute he got to spend with her improved how shitty he felt, lifted his spirits because she understood him. He didn't need a hundred words when only a few would do, when all he had to do was look at her and she knew what he was thinking.

"I'm fine."

She smirked at that. The line she used for herself so many times being given back to her, "If you say so."

He sighed, rolling the bottle around in his hands, "When you're a parent, you never want to see your kids hurting...watching Kathleen in the hospital was the worst thing that I've ever been through with one of them."

Her heart broke for him. She set her own bottle down and went to him, sitting on the armrest of his chair and resting her hand gently on his shoulder. "Kathleen is going to be okay. She's going to get the help she needs and she'll be good. She has a lot of support to get her through this."

Without thinking, his hand found hers and gave it a squeeze. The gentle contact was enough to make her melt.

"I should go," he said softly, looking up into her eyes.

"Sure...it's late. Have to get home to Kathy," she nodded in understanding, pulling her hand from under his and looking away from his eyes.

If only she knew that he had no interest in going home to his wife. He pushed himself up and grabbed their empty bottles, tossing them into the trash before pulling on his coat.

Olivia hugged herself as she followed him to the door, leaning against it as he passed her and stopped halfway. "Did you forget something?" She asked when he turned back to face her. He didn't speak but reached out to her and pulled her into his chest, holding her tightly.

"El," she whispered against his chest, her arms around his middle and in that moment, she chose not to question it, but to hold onto him.

She fit into his arms like she was made for him. It was the most calming thing he's ever experienced, holding her in the silence and he doesn't think he can let go...he doesn't want to.

"I don't want to go," he murmured into her hair, so quietly she wasn't sure that she had heard him right but he held her closer.

"Then don't," she said softly, pulling away from him, her hands against his chest while his fell to her hips. It was a moment she couldn't let pass, she needed him too much.

Ten years of partnership, ten years of friendship and it has lead to this. Wanting one person you know you can't have but need desperately. The moment holds too much weight, too much emotion and he's not strong enough to walk away. His heart rate increased as he hovered over her and he knew there wasn't any turning back, he wouldn't be able to leave. She was waiting. Waiting for him to say something, waiting for him to move and then he finally did. His lips lingered close to hers, so close that she could feel his breath against her face and she could feel his heart thundering under her hand.

His hand trailed up her side as he stepped closer to her, "I'm going to kiss you."

"Okay," she murmured, pushing up onto her tip toes as his lips moved down to meet hers.

Their lips finally touched. It was just a gentle brush at first, testing the waters but he felt so good against her lips. She breathed him in and he was intoxicating, overwhelming all of her senses. One hand found her cheek, guiding her lips against his while the other went around her back, pulling her flush against him. He needed more of her, needed her closer. Her arms wound around his neck as the kiss deepened. His lips fought for dominance and she allowed, granting his tongue access to her mouth and taking the opportunity to explore his.

He pulled away once the need for air became necessary, his lips still touching hers as he tried to calm down his breathing and body. She was panting, her lips moist and her body on fire. Her hands went to his face, cupping his jaw and moving him back so she could look into his eyes. What she saw no doubt mirrored her own. In the hooded crystal clear blue eyes that were before her she saw lust, want, and need...and it was for her.

"Liv..." he murmured, but was silenced when her thumb swiped across his lips.

She had a pang of guilt surge through her as his voice rasped her name. She knew where she wanted this to go but she needed to give him an out, let him know that she understood if he wanted to go. He had everything to lose.

"It's okay," she nodded solemnly, "Go...and we can forget that this ever happened." It was killing her but he wasn't hers to take, he wasn't free to act the way she could, the way she so desperately needed him to. "No one will ever know."

He shook his head. Did she really think that he could leave once he got to taste her lips? Once he knew how incredible it would be to kiss her. It was wrong and it was selfish but he didn't care. In that moment, nothing else mattered to him except her. "I can't...I can't leave...I can't forget."

Olivia's willpower was gone, not that she really ever had any when it came to him anyway. It was as if she couldn't wrap her mind around what he was saying to her. She had allowed herself to imagine and think about being with him but it was always a fantasy deep in the back of her mind, never reality.

"Don't make me," he whispered, pulling her back to him and resting his forehead against hers, his nose nuzzling hers and that's all she needed.

She would never turn him away, she wasn't strong enough to. Her breathing increased and her hands moved up his chest, wrapping around his neck as her lips found his.

He kicked the front door shut behind him, taking her in his arms and letting his lips devour hers. She pushed his jacket off his shoulders, letting it fall to the ground as her mind went completely numb to everything else but the way his lips felt. He pushed her back against the wall, his hands roaming down over her sides, settling on her ass and he groaned.

"Perfection," he moaned against her neck, pulling her hips against his and grinding against her. Her hands gripped his head, her fingers trailing through his hair as his lips worked on her skin. Every nip and suck going straight to her core.

He kissed her jaw, moving back to her lips and sucking her bottom lip into his mouth, biting down gently as his fingers went to the waistband of her leggings. She sucked in her breath and a shiver went through her as his rough fingers skimmed over the smooth skin below her panties. He dropped to his knees in front of her, leaving her breathless and begging for more as he tugged at the top of her pants, pulling them off along with her panties.

"Oh El," she let out under her breath, leaning her head against the wall as his hands trailed up her toned legs, his lips following and leaving hot open mouthed kisses up her calf.

He sucked on the inside of her thigh and moved to her core, nuzzling his nose against her and inhaling her arousal, feeling himself harden instantly. "I need you," he murmured against her, standing up swiftly and undoing his belt, her nimble fingers working on his button.

She pushed his pants and boxers down over his hips, practically coming undone when he sprang free. He was every bit of man she expected and more. He kicked off his pants and his hands went back to her hips, his lips going back her neck. His hands trailed up under her shirt and over her abdomen, gripping the hem and pulling it over her head.

"Damn," he murmured, taking in her ample cleavage. His mouth went to the column of her neck, his teeth grazing her skin as he worked down her chest, his hands cupping the underside of her breasts and his thumbs swiping across her hardened nipples under the lace fabric. He dipped the fabric down, letting her breasts free and taking her into his hands.

"Oh..." she mumbled, her head going back as he took her nipple into his mouth and his fingers worked the other, pulling and tugging. He sucked on her until he was satisfied, switching to the other breast as his hand went to her sex and she moaned.

"You're so wet," he mumbled against her chest, his fingers dipping into her folds and she braced against him, her legs nearly giving out at the contact. His fingers left her, trailing up over her stomach and breasts, finally taking them into his mouth and tasting her, "God, I need you now."

Olivia was lost to him...to his hands, to his mouth, she's numb but every aspect of her body is reacting to him. She pushed his shirt off of his shoulders, her fingers going to his white beater and pulling it over his head. Her eyes roamed his muscular chest and abs, never having been able to see it like she was now. He gripped her waist, hoisting her body up against his and pushing her back against the wall.

"Hold onto me," he growled against her neck, one arm around her waist while the other went to his manhood, guiding himself to her entrance and plunging deep inside of her. "Fuck," he cursed as he filled her completely.

"Ah...shit," she hissed against his shoulder, her arms around his neck and her legs wrapped around his waist.

He gripped her thighs, moving her body up as he pulled out of her before slamming back into her with a grunt. "You're so tight," he moaned against her neck, sucking on her pulse.

Her hands gripped his shoulders as he pounded into her. She couldn't think about anything other than the way he felt and the overwhelming sensations that were flowing through her body. He felt so good inside of her.

"Don't stop," she moaned as his pace quickened, her hands cupping his neck and finding his lips with hers. Her tongue fought against his, invading his mouth and taking all that she could as her orgasm built deep in her belly.

"Never," he growled, kissing her hard again before going back to her neck, his thrusts becoming frenzied and he knew he wouldn't last much longer. "Let go," he murmured, kissing her neck and letting his teeth skim across her sensitive skin.

"Oh...Ah...Yes," she moaned, throwing her head back as he took her nipple into his mouth and her orgasm ripped through her body.

One more deep thrust and he buried himself deep inside her as her walls clenched around him. "Fuck," he moaned against her chest, holding her body tight as he emptied himself into her. Elliot held her against the wall, his movements stilled and his face nuzzled against her neck.

Their slick skin against each other as they both calmed down. Olivia's fingers ran through his cropped hair at the back of his neck, her legs still wrapped tightly around him and her lips kissing his temple. His lips were against her neck and she could feel his ragged breath on her skin.

"El," she murmured, taking his face in her hands and pulling him back so she could look at him. His eyes were closed, his skin flushed and her heart sank. She truly loved him with everything she had and everything that had just happened only proved it. She was beyond scared.

His eyes blinked open and he studied her beautiful face. Her hair was tousled around her shoulders, her lips pouty and her skin dewy. He had never seen her like this and he couldn't get enough. He rested his forehead against hers, his nose nuzzling hers, "Liv."

Kissing her softly he held her to him, leaving the wall and walking to the back of the apartment, pushing her bedroom door open and laying her on the bed. He pulled out from her and she winced slightly from the loss of contact. "I'm fine," she said softly when she saw the concerned look on his face. Her hands ran up his chest and around his neck, pulling his lips back down to hers in a gentle kiss. He pulled the sheet up around them and once the kiss broke, laid down against her, his head on her breast.

This was uncharted waters for them and neither one of them knew what to do. She was confused and scared and there was so many emotions running through her body that she couldn't even think straight. He knew what he had done was wrong. Wrong to his wife and family, and what he did to Olivia was the worst but he couldn't even bring himself to feel bad. Finally giving into temptation when he did was wrong but it couldn't have felt more right. Laying in her arms felt right to him.

"Don't you have to go now?" She asked him softly, stroking her fingers through the hair around his temple and hoping he said no. She wanted him to stay even though that made her a horrible person, she needed him more than allowing the guilt to surface. She would deal with that tomorrow.

He let out a breath, knowing what his answer should be and what it actually was. "No...Do you want me to go?"

"No," she replied softly, following her heart instead of her head. She cupped his face in her hands, bringing him up her body and kissing his lips. "I want you to stay."

"Then I'll stay," he nodded, kissing her again before laying next to her. He didn't know what the next day held for him, or the drastic turn he had just taken with his life but he would face that later.

She held his arms tight around her, blocking out the rest of the world except for them. Tomorrow was a new day and reality would crash around her then, but tonight she wasn't going to think about it. Tonight she would be selfish.

SVU

Olivia stirred when she heard her front door close and she knew he was no longer beside her. She turned over to face the reality that she was alone in bed. On the night stand there was a little piece of paper, folded and standing up. Pulling the sheet around her naked form she reached for the note, reading the words written just for her:

Had to go. Sorry I couldn't stay longer. -El

She sighed, dropping the note on the bed next to her. Clutching the pillow to her chest she found that it still smelled of him and her memory traveled to just a few hours before...What the hell did we do?

A/N: Let me know what you think and if you would like to read more...