A/N: Well, it figures the next time I'd get motivated for a fic it wouldn't be CB. *rolls eyes* Last week I was so blah, and basically stumbled upon an internet games addiction. XD So, that is probably why I've been lingering more in that direction than on here. Lol. But, let's hope that fades. And it is my semi-hiatus until this Friday, so I think it should be excused. XD I plan on writing full force in January. And in February too, since we have no episodes till March. What else am I supposed to do? *shuns idea of actual job* lololol. Anyways, I've bumped into several awesome NS vids and you know, Serena has always looked so strong and sided with having B versus having Nate, especially in those early episodes, as I'm sure you know. Anyways, I've noticed there seemed to be one weak moment. When she saw Nate for the first time since she got back. This fic is a dip into her mind during that moment.

It was the longest train ride she ever remembered taking. Longer than the one she had taken to escape six months earlier, when an accidental death and a treacherous betrayal drove her to madness. Boarding school had not been the escape she wanted. She needed to get away from it all, could not trust those closest to her, because they were either too involved or completely isolated. She couldn't tell Blair, and certainly couldn't tell Nate. Chuck was not even a thought in her mind, and she didn't want to burden Eric with this.

So, she left.

But boarding school was a giant bubble waiting to be popped. She wasn't an outsider, but she wasn't real with anyone, and she certainly never let herself unwind into the reality she had not yet been willing to face. But she had to come home. She missed Blair. She missed Eric. She missed herself.

The plan would be to ignore everything that had happened before and just move on as if nothing had happened, as if she had just been on a long trip against her will. Then, she could just forget. Forget that she had taken her best friend's boyfriend's virginity. Forget that she had aided, however unknowingly, to the death of an addict. She would just be Serena Van der Woodsen.

But even that did not come quietly.

Gossip Girl was onto her the moment she stepped off the train. Truthfully, she was surprised it hadn't happened sooner. The bitch's spies were everywhere, and after the fifth vibration on her cell phone, she turned it off. For some reason, creating a permanent spotlight on Serena's every move pleased her. She would never know why, and she decided it was best not to question the complexities of said cyber stalker chick.

Everything flowed as it was supposed to, and the blonde was actually starting to relax a little. She had planned everything out to the exact detail, feeling a bit like Blair in the very action, but she didn't think it would actually work out for her. Her life may look flawless, easy, and perfect from the outside, but it stopped at popularity and paparazzi. Her family life was a mess and she certainly had many flaws.

She was going to change all that though. She wasn't going to party or drink. She was going to be a good girl, a good straight A, third-year student at Constance Billiard's for Girls.

"Serena," Blair warmly enveloped her, emotion swallowing up her greeting with the clear evidence of how much she had missed her blonde best friend. Serena could hear the strain in her voice, but was trying so hard to keep herself together, to follow the plan, that she could hardly pick up on the fake demeanor her best friend was putting on. If she picked up on it at all.

Moments earlier, after a brief nod to the driver of the limo, a quick superficial conversation with her gabbing mother, and a brush past other people in the crowd, Serena's eyes met those of Nate Archibald, and the whole world stopped.

He smiled when he saw her, and she could see the excitement, the hope in his eyes. He was straightening his tie and walking towards her when Blair burst forth and turned to her, holding her close and forcing Serena's almost feelings for her best friend's boyfriend evaporate into thin air.

No parties. No drinking. No old Serena. And that included no Nate.

Her eyes had fluttered and she had to look away just to catch her breath. The last time they had seen each other had been the night of that night. The night of the Sheppard wedding. The night when all her ignorance on needing to try, backfired against her.

She had been too drunk, too giddy, and too close to Nate Archibald to forgive herself for it later.

She prayed he would take her sudden departure as the sign to stay away. He had been so good at hiding his feelings for her over the last couple years. No one wanted to hurt Blair. Serena hardly knew how she really felt for the young Archibald until that night. It is said that the truth comes out when people are drunk. They don't think. They just speak. They just act. And Serena Van der Woodsen just acted. And she was going to pay for it.

The plan was already starting to crumble.

She could almost feel his smile, his breath, against her skin when he looked at her. Her eyes had lowered to his lips for an instant and she cursed herself for it, for how his smile deepened and widened across his face. Her eyelids lowered in the smallest portion of a second one could comprehend, and she felt his lips on her neck, and his hand wrapped around her waist and twisted in her hair.

God, it was hell.

Of all the people she felt such magic for, it had to be Nate Archibald. She would never stop cursing herself for the loud thumping of her heart whenever she looked at him. The tingling in her arms and legs or the chills shooting up her spine when she'd feel him getting closer to her, especially from behind. It was more dangerous when she couldn't see him. Then it would be so much harder to escape.

But, no.

She wouldn't let herself get caught up in that again. If everything else in her perfectly concocted little plan fell to pieces, she would hold to one truth. Nate Archibald belonged to Blair Waldorf, and Blair Waldorf loved him.

They both did.

But, Blair and she were like sisters, and she would not abandon that fresh, undeniable, unbreakable love they'd had from the moment they met. She wouldn't break both their hearts. Not again. Not when she'd decided to change for the better.

She would forget his blue eyes that soaked her in. She would forget how she felt about anything involving Archibald. She would avoid him until it was so unbearable to be noticed. She would do everything possible to get rid of what had happened and what could happen if Blair was not in the way, if he wasn't attached. She hardly thought of her best friend as an obstacle, but in a sense she was, and so she pushed thoughts of him away further. She already felt so guilty.

But she couldn't burn to the ground what had happened. Not then, not now. She could ignore, avoid, forget – she could try. But it had still happened. She had seen him first, not Blair. A flame had ignited within her on instant and as much as she tried to hide it, it was written all over his face. The simple exchange made her hate what she felt even more. Because their feelings for each other were mutual, and they shouldn't be. It made her mad at him that he was more concerned with having her than caring about how Blair would feel if she knew.

The moment had still happened though, even if it shouldn't have.

And whether she would admit to it or not, she had still been breathless.

A/N: Thoughts? Please comment! =D I'll try to get that CB Christmas oneshot up on Thursday. If not, hopefully sometime this week. ;p