I Feel Pretty
(First written Sept 3, 2002)
Chi Shiro
PG/PG-13ish
Of course it has hints of Hank/Bobby goodness. Also Ro/Lo, Scott/Jean, Gambit/Rogue.
Marvel owns the X-men. I'm sure they'd just love to see what I'm doing with their poor, poor babies. I'm not sure who owns "West Side Story" and the song I'm using here, "I Feel Pretty," but it isn't me. I'm making no money off of this. I get paid in
This was inspired by a discussion on X-fiction, involving X-tricks' offhanded comment. She said she wouldn't mind seeing the Beast gay as long as Marvel doesn't turn him into a SuperQueen(!). Unfortunately (Fortunately? I suppose it depends on who you talk to) I had my record player on that night and the song "I Feel Pretty" was playing. Add it up ~_~. It also answered two of my own challenges on X-fiction, the SuperQueen challenge and the musical one. I decided to revive this long dead fic for a thread on FSTDT. (sends a kiss) I love you guys like the plague.
There is so much random silliness going on in this fic. I think it's the perfect example of why I don't normally write humor.
This is also my first time writing in this style of songfic. Let me know how I did.
"blah"= speaking
~blah~ = singing
(blah) = action
XxXxXxXxXx
(Jean and Storm walk behind a babbling teenager into the men's wing of the mansion. In front of them, Jubilee is dragging a very reluctant Rouge. The bubbly girl throws open the door to Hank's room and the other women stop in shock.
Inside, Hank is preening in front of the mirror. He runs one paw over a hip, the claw scratching against tight, black, leather. A shimmering; silver; flaring pirate shirt, cut open in the front, nearly to his navel, blends perfectly with his new fur. Garishly large, golden, hoops dangle from his ears. Rogue blinks to make sure, yes she's sure, that's clear liquid gloss shining on those wholly inhuman lips. He waves happily at them as he notices their reflections in his mirror.)
Jean: "Hank, forgive me if this sounds rude, but are you feeling all right?"
(Hank laughs airily as he makes his way over to the women. They notice, as he approaches, the addition of a silver tongue stud.)
Hank: Oh sweet, sweet, Jean (He hugs her) I'm positively in the pink, girlfriends! In fact.....(They pause in shock as music seems to play from nowhere and everywhere at once. Hank is the first to recover. He turns and swoops up Jubilee)
Hank ~ I feel pretty, ~ (Hank nuzzles the yellow firecracker in his grasps. Jubilee tries in vain to push the large cat off) ~ Oh, so pretty, ~ (Swinging her around once more he finally allows her to land on his frilly, pink, lace, coverlet) ~ I feel pretty and witty and gay! ~ (He grabs a small tube of silver glitter off of his makeup table, using the wand to add streaks to his lightly curled bangs) ~ And I pity ~ (At this Beast purses his lips and makes kissy motions towards the older women in the room) ~ Any boy who isn't me today. ~ (Fluttering his lashes, he adds a light smattering of clear mascara)
~ I feel charming, ~ (Hank blows a kiss to the mirror before dancing past the women and into the hallway. Fearing property damage, and relying on some perverse instinct, the girls follow) ~ Oh, so charming ~ (The women clap as he strike's a dramatic modeling pose against the upper railing.) ~ It's alarming how charming I feel! ~ (He prances close to the women, hugging and exchanging false kiss-kiss kisses with each. The girls have gotten into the spirit of things and eagerly false hug and kiss-kiss) ~ And so pretty ~ (Hank steps in front of the large, upper hall, mirror. Storm and Jean flank his left, Rogue and Jubilee take the right. All of them giggle as they pose, hips cocking to the sides, one hand on the farthest cocked hip, the other behind their heads. They smirk and blow kiss-kiss kisses at their reflections.) ~ That I hardly can believe I'm real. ~ (They pinch their hips before giggling like a gaggle of Catholic school girls.)
~ See the pretty boy in that mirror there: ~ (The girls nod as he flutters at his own reflection) ~ Who can that attractive boy be? ~ (Storm and Rogue fall to their knees before him like adoring fans. Hank turns his nose up at them) ~ Such a pretty face, ~ (He pinches his own cheeks, a purple blush spreading over them and being enhanced by his special fur make up) ~ Such a pretty dress, ~ (Smoothing a wrinkle like a spoiled superstar God he grabs Jean and dips her) ~ Such a pretty smile, ~ (He catches a brief flash over the railing of Bobby waiting patiently for him in the living-room. Bobby looks up and smiles. Hank giddily smiles back, tongue laving over his teeth enough for Bobby to catch sight of the tongue stud) ~ Such a pretty me! ~ (He moves to jump over the railing but is caught by the girls)
Jean: Now, now, Henry. We're not done with you, yet!
Rogue: Yah, sugah! Ya'll wanna look speciah fah Bobby.
Hank: "Well (He looks over the railing once more) If it's for Bobby....."
Girls: "Oh, it is!!"
Hank: "Well then......"
Hank: ~ I feel stunning ~ (He flounces down the hall, being led by the overtly eager women to Jubilee's room) ~ And entrancing, ~ (Jubilee grabs her black eye pencil, marking his eyes like an Egyptian cat God) ~ Feel like running and dancing for joy, ~ (Storm grabs his paws and they dance sylphishly around the room, leaping over Jubilee's recliner and landing in chuckling heaps on the bean bag chairs) ~ For I'm loved ~ (The women look at each other and sigh dreamily) ~ By a pretty wonderful boy! ~ (They fall into a moving heap of tickling, wriggling bodies on the bean bag chairs)
Girls : ~ Have you met my good friend Henry ~ (Jean holds him down
kinetically as the others apply a thick coating of the same silvery glitter gel, that's in his bangs, on his whiskers) ~ The craziest boy on the block? ~ (Jubilee lightly tassels the tips of his ears with the gel, making him look even more like a cat deity) ~ You'll know him the minute you see him,~ (Rogue produces the tiara of Bast, placing the ancient, holy relic on his brows) ~ He's the one who is in an advanced state of shock. ~ (They hand him a mirror, standing back to admire his look)
~ He thinks he's in love. ~ (They laugh as Hank clasps his hands together and flutters his eyes once more) ~He thinks he's in Spain. ~ (Rogue puts on tango music, Hank obligingly dancing with each of them in turn)
Hank: "La la la ...."
Girls: ~ He isn't in love, ~ (Hank makes a rude face at all of them) ~ He's merely insane. ~ (At this, Hank tries to walk out of the room)
Storm: "We are not done with you yet, Henry" (she grins menacingly at him. Hank whimpers as the four women converge on him.)
Storm: ~ It must be the heat ~ (She dips her hand in water and trails it acrossed his exposed chest, showing off the sinewy muscles)
Jean: ~ Or some rare disease, ~ (Jean pretends to feel his forehead but really smears it with blue glitter)
Rogue: ~ Or too much to eat ~ (She throws golden glitter on his slickened stomach fur)
Jubilee: (looks at the other women impishly) ~ Or maybe it's fleas.
Hank: "I Just had a flea bath!"
Girls: ~ Keep away from him, ~ (Rogue stands in front of the door, blocking the men trying to get in to save their comrade from the impish women) ~ Send for Xavier, oh! ~ (Jean and Storm exchange smirks since they know Xavier is on his own date with Eric) ~ This is not the ~ (Jubilee produces a photo album from her top drawer. She opens it to a section entitled Beast) ~ Henry we know! ~ (The women giggle as they compare a picture of a demurely dressed, pre- most recent mutation, Hank to the cat God in the chair)
~ Modest and pure, ~ (Jubilee hands him a black leather purse covered in bold, shimmering rhinestones. He pulls out several packs of condoms and lube before looking at her with a quirked brow.) ~ polite and refined, ~ (They clap as he stands and bows to all of them in a display of perfect boarding school manners)
Hank: "La la la la la....."
Girls: ~ Well-bred and mature ~ (He buffs his claws against his chest, posing just so in front of Jubilee's mirror to show off every excellent aspect of his breeding, like a prized show cat.) ~ And out of his mind! ~ (He raspberries them as he adjust the tiara of Bast so that the diamond dangling from circlet is centered against the middle of his forehead)
Jean: "Mister America!"
Rogue: "Mister America speech!"
Storm: "Speech! Speech! Bravo!"
Jubilee: "Mister America. Speech! Speech!!"
Hank ~ I feel pretty, ~ (He grooms his upper hair so that it's arranged teasingly around part of the shiny tiara) ~ Oh, so pretty ~ He stands still to allow Jubilee to paint his claws with nail polish in 'sparkling diamond') ~ That the city should give me its key. ~ (The girls all fall to their knees and grovel. Rogue still sits in front of the door but one look at a prancing Beast is enough to send Scott, Logan, Warren, and Remy slowly inching away from the madness) ~ A committee ~
Girls: ~ La la la la.....~
(Tiptoeing around the room he taps the girls on their shoulders in turn, signaling for them to follow him) ~ Should be organized to honor me. ~ (They eagerly nod, preening him and grooming for the most desired effect)
Girls: ~ La la la la . . . ~ *Beast grabs several dozen roses from a vase on Jubilee's dresser and weaves them into the girls' hair. The women quickly change into gypsy outfits from Jubilee's closet, making them look like forest fairies, complete with silken, see through, floor length skirts)
Hank: ~ I feel dizzy, ~ (The girls twirl around, dancing out into the
hallway, skirts flowing up to their thighs as they move. Hank follows, gracefully moving on his new paw-feet) ~ I feel sunny, ~ (They pause before the balcony in front of the staircase. Frames outlined in the setting sun, making them look that much more unearthly) ~ I feel fizzy and funny and fine, ~ (Rogue gives off a war whoop and slides down the banister. Giggling the other four follow her.) ~ And so pretty, ~ (At the bottom they primp and make kissy faces at each other, complimenting and acting like models at a Paris show)
Jean: "Oh Hank, I wish I had your fur. However do you keep it so lovely?"
Rogue: "That's not fair Jean. First tell us where you found that gorgeous lipstick"
Hank: "Have I ever told you how stunning you look in yellow, Jubilee? It truly brings out the color of your eyes. And you must recommend me to your manicurist."
Storm: "Rogue, you must show me where you found that lovely lipstick."
Jubilee: "You look beautiful just as you are Storm. (She giggles airily) Not like Emma. Have you ever seen someone so desperate for attention?"
Hank: (He finally notices the music start up again) ~ Mister America can just resign! ~
Girls: ~ La la la la . . . ~ (The other men have pressed themselves up as far against the wall as possible. Bobby is the only one who still sits on a couch, watching Hank with a mix of amusement, lust, and love.)
Hank: ~ See the pretty boy in that mirror there: ~ (Scott resist the urge to blast the group as Hank carouses around, drawing encouragement from the women)
Girls: ~ What mirror where? ~ (Noticing his discomfort at the situation Jean giggles openly and winks in his direction.)
Hank ~ Who can that attractive boy be? ~ (Bobby blushes as Hank motions in his direction. Jubilee and Rogue cackle at him. Storm and Jean make the "oh my God, isn't that adorable" face)
Jean: ~ Which? ~ (Flaunting the low cut of the top she chose she slinks up to her husband.)
Rogue: ~What? ~ (Remy quivers as one gloved finger traces teasingly down his front)
Storm: ~ Where? ~ (Logan's eyes widen to the size of saucers as Storm kisses him soundly in front of the group)
Jubilee: ~Whom? ~ (The teenager revels in the fact that Sam is trying to not look at her, from the doorway, in the same way as he would an older woman, and failing miserably)
Girls: ~Whom? Whom? Whom? ~
Hank ~ Such a pretty face, ~ (Bobby rises and makes his way over, delicately tracing one side of his love's face) ~ Such a pretty dress, ~ (Hank scrapes his claws acrossed Bobby's shiny, metallic, pants, drawing the Iceman closer to him) ~ Such a pretty smile, ~ (The girls sigh dreamily as Bobby and Hank smile lovingly at each other) ~ Such a pretty me! ~ (Bobby nods in overt agreement as he steps back a bit to drink in the full sight of the beauty before him)
Girls : ~ Such a pretty me! ~ (The men nod in agreement. Jubilee flirts unrepentantly with the poor boy under her charms)
Hank/Bobby: ~ I feel stunning ~ (they waltz around the room, earning cat calls from the women and the other males, who are finally starting to get into it)
Girls: "They're so stunning"
Hank/Bobby: ~ And entrancing, ~ (They stare deeply into each others' eyes. Bobby idly wonders if the girls would do his make up if he asked nicely.)
Boys: "Very entrancing!"
Hank/Bobby: ~ Feel like running and dancing for joy, ~ (Everyone dances around the room merrily. Sam has earned Jubilee's favor and tries to dance without upsetting her "daddy", Logan) ~For I'm loved.
By a pretty wonderful boy! ~ (Hank lifts Bobby into the air and spins him around.)
Bobby: Oh Hank, honey, you look beautiful beyond words! (Hanks giggles femininely. The music stops as the couple prances out the door, hand in hand)
XxXxXxXxXx
Okay, my muses are ready to string me up by the toes but I must admit it was
fun seeing how big a queen a could make our favorite, blue scientist.