Japan and Germany always had an awkward relationship. That much was obvious. It was the kind of awkward that was cute,
but in an endearing, sympathetic sort of way.
Like a three-legged puppy.
Okay, maybe that's not so much as endearing as super sad and stuff, but whatever.
You get my point.
Would you like me to tell you how they first met?
Oh you do? Okay, then.
I mean, not to be rude, but it was more of a rhetorical question.
No, no, it's okay. I'll tell you.
It's not very interesting though.
But I'll do it anyways.
Because I'm just that nice.
It was a long, long, long, long, long, (almost done) long, long, LONG time ago, and Kiku Honda's boss decided it was time for him to
see the world, and stop being such a lazy-ass! All he ever did was sit in front of his computer screen, playing those creepy dating
games where you pursued little computer-generated school girls. Kiku insisted that he wasn't as lazy as his boss claimed.
Sometimes he made mochi. And then he ate it.
Obviously, his boss wasn't convinced, and Kiku was shipped off to explore the Western world! "How about India? That's very
West. A great place to start." Kiku's boss wouldn't have any of it. He was to visit the most west-est West the West has ever
known~!
Germany. What, did you think he'd go to America? Dear Lord, what crack have you been smoking?
"I don't like this Germany place very much" Kiku said, tugging at his obi. "Honda-kun, we haven't even came out of the airport."
"That does not matter! There are many blonde people walking around and they smell like bleach and cooked meats! No rikey!" he
protested, and then immediately apologized for such behavior in a public place. With much coaxing and a tad bit of bribery ("I will
buy you as many of the finest cats Germany has to offer!"), his boss succeeded to lure Kiku out of the airport.
The first thing he noticed about Germany was the permanent aura of pent-up frustration in the air. Everyone seemed to march by,
almost disturbingly determined to reach their destination. Even if there was another person in the way, or even a light post, they
would continue on their way with narrowed eyes and nothing else but a murmured "Entschuldigung" to the offending blockade.
Another thing was how there were sausages everywhere! Germany was a big sausage-fest! And they were so big too!
Kiku decided that the West was a very intimidating place. Full of giant sausages and scary women.
He and his boss hurried to the large conference hall where they were to meet their hosts. It was called the…um…Rice-tag? The
Rice-tag? Something like that.
"How're you enjoying it here? You try the beer yet? It's awesome, just like a very special person I know. Kesesesesesese! And
that's me!" Kiku just sat there, staring across the ridiculously long table at the man laughing. If that could even be called a laugh.
He had fierce white hair, and eyes that seemed to glow red. Or, were they actually red? Westerners were scary indeed.
The man next to him sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his gloved fingers. "Please excuse my brother, Gilbert," he
replied in a rumbling voice. "I am Ludwig Beilschmidt, and we will be your hosts for the entire length of your stay." He had fair
blonde hair, almost matching his brother's, but not quite. He wore it slicked back, rivaling Gilbert's messy mop. To Kiku, Ludwig
seemed more business-y and no-nonsense than Gilbert.
That both comforted him and scared the shit out of him.
The first thing Ludwig decided they would do was go get a bite to eat. Which involved lots of beer, sausages and potatoes. Three
things of which had never been in Kiku's mouth.
Hehehehe.
Don't mind me; I'm just thinking about those sausages.
Any who.
Back to the story.
He also disliked the use of forks. They were so barbaric. Why would anyone want to impale their poor, limp sausage with a mini-
pitchfork?
Oh God.
I'm sorry, but I'm not even a guy and I felt that.
Right in the non-existent man-log. Ouch.
Sorry, sorry. I'm done.
After a meal in which no one spoke (except Gilbert, but all he ever talked about was Oktoberfest and how it's awesome-ness was
almost comparable to that of his own), Ludwig announced that he would take the two visitors for a tour of Germany's biggest
tourist attractions. Kiku nearly died from fanboying over the Heidelberg castle that the city was named for. If he had a camera,
he'd have been photographing that thing from every angle possible.
And a few that were impossible as well.
"This castle is used as one of Europe's oldest institutions," Ludwig began, his face flushed with pride. "Und it was originally built in
1214 A.D. and used by Hohenstaufen Emperor Friedrich II." He continued to rattle off facts about the castle until his heavily
accented English slowly morphed into rapid German.
"Ich habe keine Hose an, aber es ist sehr wunderbar! Und ich liebe dich!"
Wait, what did he just say?
Anyone who speaks German will understand why that last bit is totally out-of-character for Ludwig.
Seriously, I don't even…
Soon, the three of them (because Kiku's boss apparently disappeared somewhere in the Black Forest) had many wonderful and
whimsical adventures filled with rainbows and gay fairies and jelly doughnuts all around the magical land of Germany.
Well, that's a bit of an overstatement.
"This is a cuckoo clock, Herr Honda. They are modeled after the houses we saw in the Black Forest."
"Hai." And then Kiku'd take about ten million-bajillion years just to stare down the poor cuckoo clock.
A million-bajillion is just a rough estimate, though.
If that cuckoo-clock was a Canadian, it totally would've pissed itself just then.
Oops, Canada doesn't exist yet. Never mind about that bit.
Ludwig wiped a bead of sweat from his flaxen brow. It was hard work traveling around Germany in a matter of seconds while
carrying your hopelessly drunk brother on your back at the same time.
"I'm not drunk! Beer is awesome, but not awesome enough to incapacitate Gilbert Beilschmidt! I am just too awesome to walk on
the worthless ground! Kesesesesese~"
Shhhh, stop that Prussia! You're breaking the fourth wall!
He looked up from his upside-down position on his brother's back. "I can break the fourth wall (whatever that is) as much as I like!
Because I'm a—"
Yeah, yeah, we get it. You're awesome. Get a new adjective, read a thesaurus or something. Gosh. There's nothing more I hate
than the lack of sentence spontaneity. And just for that, you're being written out of the story! Auf Weidersehen, Prussia-darling!
Suddenly, it felt as if a huge weight was lifted from Ludwig's shoulders. Like one the size of a certain nation-personification that
was no longer relevant and sucked at synonyms. "That was certainly weird," he muttered under his breath.
"What was that, Beilschmidt-san?" Kiku asked with concern. The small man was currently hunched over a ginger tabby that just
happened to stroll by their considerably reduced party.
"Nothing to worry about…erm, do you happen to know where Gilbert went? He was just here…"
"No, sorry, I have not." Kiku replied solemnly, and bowed politely.
Ludwig's piercing indigo eyes clouded over. "So…we are alone?"
"It would seem so, Beilschmidt-san." Kiku leaned forward ever so slightly, tucking a piece of glossy black hair behind his ear.
The two moved closer and closer, as if being pulled by a strong magnet.
A strong magnet called a yaoi-loving storyteller.
Their breathing became more shallow, and Ludwig blushed furiously at the proximity of Kiku's feminine face to his own."Well, in
that case…" He cupped Kiku's crimson cheeks, drawing a small whine from the raven-haired man. He could feel the German's
breath on his plump lips. "We should…" Kiku closed his eyes and wound his fingers in Ludwig's military fatigue. "Go find your boss
and return you to the airport. The tour is over."
Darn, I was really looking forward to some steamy GerPan action. Leave it to the two most conservative nations to not have
random sex-in-the-streets.
Whatevs guys. You could've at least kissed.
With tongue. None of that lips-only crap. Who even does that anymore?
Eventually, after much talking to strange-looking German women in funny red hats and blackmail, Kiku's boss was found and in
great condition.
A little frazzled, and he had diarrhea for like three weeks afterwards, but y'know. Great condition.
Hey, this was the West we're talking about! It's a wild place…
…
HA! Who am I kidding? Germany was about as wild as a dry hump.
Don't even try and question my choice of simile. It works because shut up.
Anyways, both Kiku and his boss were safely returned to the airport thanks to the trains which, notably, ran on time.
"Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to visit us," Ludwig said and shook Kiku's hand, much to his confusion. "It
was an enjoyable experience and I hope that we could become allies in the near future."
LOL SPOILER ALERT.
"Arigato. I think that maybe I like the West." Bullshit.
Shortly thereafter on the plane…
"The West is a strange place." Kiku decided. His boss probably would've agreed, but he was in the plane's bathroom the entire
trip back to Japan.
The trip was an attempt to Westernize Japan and expose it to new cultures and ideas, but all it really did was make Kiku want to
lock his doors even more.
Which was exactly what he did.
Until the summer of 1854.
Which just so happened to be the worst year of Kiku's immortal life.
But that's another story for another time.
Author's Note: Gahhh I'm on crack. Please don't flame me if the history in this is totally wrong, this was written for funsies. I love you all, please review ^^ This is dedicated to the super-sexy America96! Check out her stories :D
"Yeah, and favorite this shit! It's almost as awesome as me!"
…Prussia, I will break your balls. Stop talking.