Hi everyone.. This is my first attempt in suuuuch a long time.. I tried really hard and I hope at least one person enjoys this.. haha thank you for reading!
I had my first extreme hallucination in from of Katniss today. She's seen plenty of moments when I lose control and have to grip the closest thing to me to hold on, but none have ever been this bad. It was the first time she's ever seen me like that and I regret everything. It just took over and I yelled at her all these untrue things. I yelled that I hated her, that she was nothing, that she was dirt, that she killed everyone I ever loved and that I was going to hurt her. I was fully aware of saying all these things, but I couldn't stop. I tried so hard to keep it under restraint, but there are places within me that, even I, can't get out of. Only I go there, and when I do I make sure to not to be anywhere around Katniss, for fear she would believe my words or that she'd turn me away for being that helpless boy the Capital tortured.
There's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?
I remember her running out of my house right when I lunged to.. to hurt her. After everything that has happened, how could I do that to her? She's broken enough; my words could have done serious damage. It's been a few hours since the incident, the moment I lost her and right now I'm sure I'll never get her back. While I think this I hear the door click open. It's Katniss and she's warily peeking in the door that's cracked open now. I can see the confidence and fearless look in her eye. She fully comes into my kitchen and from her vantage point I know she sees me because she stops walking. I look at her and all my guilt comes flooding to my face. "Oh Katniss!" I cry, "I am so sorry.. I didn't mean those things, you are none of those things I said.. I had no control.. I don't hate you, I could never hate you.." I was lost in my words. She comes over to me and sits next to me on the couch. She goes to touch my arm, but I jerk it away. She can't be with me, I'll only hurt her. Katniss looks at me and says, "Peeta, that wasn't real, it wasn't you talking. The capital did this to you, look at me." She takes my face in her hands and I reluctantly look her in the eyes. "This is you, Peeta," She points to where my heart is, "This is who you are, you are the sweet boy with the bread and the one who saved my life on so many occasions. This, right now, this is real."
Or will you stay?
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am
I don't know what to say. Usually I'm the one with the right words, but this time, Katniss knows just what to say. She knows she's not good with people, nor is she good with words, but today she knows what I need to hear. I can't help but think that maybe she's just here because she thinks she owes me. She called me the boy with the bread, she probably just thinks she still has to repay me for that day I threw her the loaf of bread. I look at her again because my eyes have drifted past her into that memory from so long ago. "Katniss, this thing that happened, it's my permanent dark side. It may never go away and I can't have you be here with me when it happens again, I can't hurt you. I don't want you to stay here because you think you owe me for the bread." She looked at me, sighed and actually got up and left. I sat there for what seemed like years. Maybe Katniss was only doing what I asked her to. Why wouldn't she? She doesn't play games and I meant what I said. It's better this way. I sit on my spot in the couch for the next day; only having to get up when I need to. I miss her. Being by myself, I've done that for too many years without her. What have I done?
With that thought I picked myself up off the couch and I ran as fast as my fake leg could go. I reached her house and I didn't even bother knocking. With the house layout being the same as mine I maneuvered through the house with ease. I didn't have to get far before I found her on another piece of furniture, in the room I was just in at my own house. I stood there awkwardly for a moment before I got the courage to say anything. Finally I spoke, "Katniss, I can't be without you and I know I asked you to run and never look back, but I need you to love me and my dark side. We owe it to ourselves to be happy."
She looked angry, and from that look I gathered I made the wrong choice.
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
She got up and stomped right passed me to get to the spare room. This is where she kept the things she liked. She said it kept her going after everything and when she didn't want to move for fear of watching her little sister burn she came in here and she carved things. It was something her father had taught her many years ago before he died. "Katniss.." I began, "Please don't give up on me, I know what I said, I know I pushed you out, but I can't keep lying to myself that I don't need you. I need you. So don't walk away from me.. please." I followed her into her room and she got up and she came over to me. She still looked angry, but her words were anything but. "I will never give up, Peeta Mellark, because I know who you are, you love the color orange because it reminds you of sunset, you love to paint, you are world's best baker, and you have the kindest soul. This is who you are. A little mishap won't turn me away. I'm angry because you told me to go. And I'm angry because I don't think you believed me when I said loving you was real."
Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am.
I stare at her with what I hope is only love in my eyes, "But my mishaps are going to happen and what if you can't leave the next time? What if I really hurt you? Can you really say you'll love me and those moments? Katniss I've loved you since I was five years old, I don't think I can take you leaving me because of those stupid hallucinations the Capitol drove into me.. I can't.." I ended that last part with a whisper. I really don't think I could ever handle losing her due to the Capital because I'm not strong enough for that.
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
She took my hand and put something in it. I looked down and it was something she carved. I looked at it a little longer and I realized what it was. They were two wooden circles, very smooth and probably the width of my finger with another circle a little smaller.
Wedding rings?
Katniss has never wanted to get married, she never saw anything in it. I know she saw the confusion on my face because she chuckled. I don't think this is very funny, at all. I look at her and she stopped her tiny laughter and began to speak, "I can say I won't run, we're both broken and we'll do this together. We will get over what the Capital has done, it won't be easy, and it will hurt sometimes, but we'll do it together. I love you, Peeta. Real."
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise m you will stay
Will you love me? Ohh
We toasted the bread and it was just the two of us. We did get married and I still can't believe it. I never did have an episode quite as bad as that one time, but I did have some bad ones. Katniss just came to me when they started and would remind me who I really am and what was real. She knew how to bring me back to her and calm me down. She loved me and kept me despite my dark side and everyday my love for her grows bigger and bigger. She tells me daily that I am her boy with the bread and nothing will change that. I'm glad she decided to stay with me and I'm glad she still is here.
Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?
She never ran and she never let me go. We had trouble, we fought, but we always came back together. We needed one another to hold us up. We needed to know the other will always be there to pick us up when we fall down. We were broken but we fixed our wounds, together. She never ran, even when it was hard, even when she probably should have. She never left me and I never left her. We were better together to hold our nightmares at bay. We may be broken, but two broken pieces, when put together, can create one beautiful thing.. or two beautiful things if you think about it.
Don't run away
Don't run away
Don't run away
Promise you'll stay.