Disclaimer: Prince of Tennis is not owned by yours truly.
Warning: Totally pointless and absurd. Read at your own cost. *sobs*
--
"So you did it."
"N-no… I did not."
"You raped Fuji."
"I-I said I d-did not r-r-r-raped h-h-him." Tezuka stuttered. Why was he stuttering? Oh, it's because Inui's asking him a simple question.
It's simple question that can only be answered by a YES or a NO.
But Tezuka doesn't know how to answer that simple question. He'd rather answer the rhetorical question their Philosophy Professor was asking at that time. He'd rather answer the insanely difficult trigonometric equation. He'd rather answer almost anything.
Not this.
"You raped him," Inui accused.
"He was drunk and you brought him to your house. You placed him on the bed and decided that you'd just sleep on the sofa but no, you looked at his unguarded, vulnerable face with such forbidden passion in your eyes that you forgot what was right and what was wrong. You touched his face and just by caressing his soft, tender skin, you winced in pain only to realize that you had a hard-on!"
"I did not—"
"Shut up Tezuka. You looked at his shirt and wondered if you have to undress him right then and there and you—"
"Inui," Tezuka said sternly. Inui looked at him, seemingly innocent.
"What?" Inui retorted.
"You're awfully detailed. Explain to me how you knew—" Tezuka stopped abruptly.
"What's that?" Tezuka tried to snatch the thing but Inui was too swift for his own good.
"This is the script the writer gave me. You want me to read it out loud?"
"Give me that thing," Tezuka threatened. If Inui kept reading the damn thing, a lot of people reading this would know…they would know!
"Hohohoh, I'll read it for you Tezuka…"
"Give me that damn—"
Inui cleared his throat and had a taunting smile plastered on his face.
"You looked at his buttoned shirt and decided right then and there that you desperately wanted to enjoy his body, his oh-so damn good body that you've been lusting for years. After getting rid of the shirt, you proceeded to gingerly touched his nip—"
Tezuka grabbed the script out of Inui's hands and read it. After a couple of eerie silence, he shred it into pieces.
"OH MY GOD!!!!"
"…"
"Why did you have to shred it like that?" Inui moaned in disappointment.
"It's for the benefit of all the readers," Tezuka insisted.
"What??" Inui reacted somewhat scandalized.
"You're spoiling them. What's in there is called spoiler."
"What the HELL!!! Tezuka, a spoiler is something that is supposed to be unknown and a scene that will happen in the future!! What I'm telling is not the future but something that has happened even before this story was written! It's called PROLOGUE you moron!"
"…I don't care."
"YOU'RE SUCH A MORON! YOU SAD EXCUSE OF A MAN!"
"Pardon?"
"You shouldn't have shred it like that! You could've asked me for a scissor you know!"
"…"
"I still have a copy of that, in case you don't know."
"You have a copy?!"
"Tons, Tezuka. TONS."
"This is rubbish. I never r-ra-ra…"
"May I ask, why are you stuttering then?"
"I have a sore throat."
"Sore throat has nothing to do with stuttering, Tezuka. Rape does."
"Ok, I'll confess what happened," Tezuka sighed in defeat.
"You'll confess??" Inui shrieked. The world is really ending, Inui gushed inwardly.
"Yes."
"Ok, I'll just get the recorder."
"Why are you getting the recorder?"
"Data and blackmail," Inui said promptly.
"What did you just say?"
"I said data."
"You said blackmail, Inui!"
"Oh, that's a great idea Tezuka! I'll blackmail you with my data."
"…"
"Stop that!"
"Stop what?"
"You're using too much dots in talking!!"
"…"
"You've already used fifteen dots Tezuka!!"
"Why do you care if I use dots in talking?"
"Cause 'dot-dot-dot' indicates that you're not talking at all!!"
"…"
"See! You're using them again!!"
"I like dots."
"I don't like them."
"…"
"Stop using those dots!!!"
"!!!"
"Now you're shouting at me? How could you Tezuka? I'm just concerned!"
"!!!"
"Stop shouting Tezuka!"
"How come 'dot-dot-dot' interprets as 'not talking' while exclamation point indicates 'shouting' to you?"
"You've never studied grammar, have you?"
"I did, back in third year."
"What? That's like—ages ago!"
"We are in our third year right now,"
"No we're not! We're seniors!"
"Isn't it just the same?"
"No it's not! It differs in spelling!"
"…"
"Fine, let's get this over with. Explain."
Tezuka was actually prepared for that time. He was going to confess what he did to Fuji and what happened that memorable night. But as he was about to open his mouth to explain the details, Fuji busted the door, ran on the toilet and threw up.
"What's wrong?" Tezuka asked in obvious concern.
"Oh my GOD!!!" Inui yelled, both of his hands on both side of his face.
"Why are you calling God?" Tezuka asked, thoroughly scandalized.
"Fuji's shittin' on my toilet!"
"He's throwing up," Tezuka corrected, amused at how Fuji's ass wiggled in the air while he's throwing up.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Oh my KAIDO!"
"..the hell?"
"I figured it would be much comforting to just call him."
"Oh my KAIDO!"
"Stop calling him!"
"Fuji threw up."
"So??"
"FUJI threw up!!!" Inui emphasized but Tezuka was as thick as the mammoth's skull.
"Stomachache," Tezuka replied nonchalantly.
"You—"
"OH MY GOD!!!" Tezuka was struck with sudden horrible realization as he rushed to see Fuji still throwing up on the bathroom, his face very pale.
"Fuji!!!" Tezuka bellowed as he clamped Fuji by his shoulder and raised him up to stand. Fuji looked at them, his head still clouded and hurting.
"You're pregnant!!!"
"Wha—??" Fuji looked dumbfounded.
"He's what?" Inui asked, now the one looking so lost.
"I'm going to be a father!!!" Tezuka cheered, carrying Fuji in his arms ever so happily. Fuji threw up for the third time.
Right at Tezuka's shirt.
"Holy—"
"Can't you puke in someone else's house? This is my house you know!"
"Err…"
"Tezuka."
"Can't you see? I'm busy with my wife, Fuji's about to give birth."
"I'm your wife?"
"He's about to give birth?" Inui choked.
"He's not your wife!!"
"Atobe? What are you doing in here? You're not supposed to be here! You're supposed to appear in another story with Oshitari in it! This is a 'Tezuka/Fuji' fic you know," Inui said knowingly, reading the author's note.
"Fuji's not your wife Tezuka! Ore-sama is!"
"Say what?" Inui gagged.
"Ore-sama is your wife! Not that…that thing you're holding!"
"Excuse me?" Fuji asked indignantly.
"You heard me!"
"Whatever, Tezuka I have to tell you something."
"Sure, what is it?"
"He's going to say he's not pregnant!" Inui interjected.
"I'm pregnant."
"SAY WHAT?" Atobe and Inui shrieked. Tezuka's eyes were sparkling.
"But this isn't yours."
"SAY WHAT?" It was Tezuka. He looked like he was about to faint.
"This is Atobe's."
"SAY WHAT??"
"Could everybody please stop saying 'say what' I'm getting kind of bothered," Inui said.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I don't want to be a father! I want to be a wife!"
"Threesome is awesome, you know," Inui commented.
"Inui," Tezuka said with outmost urgency.
"What?"
"You said I raped Fuji, how come I'm not the father?"
"The author had a change of heart, I guess."
"She…she just can't have a change of heart that easily you know! This is labeled as Prince of Tennis - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance for Tezuka K. & Fuji S.!!"
"Wow, Tezuka you know your stuff. I'm impressed."
"SHUT UP!" Tezuka wailed in a very manly fashion.
"Moreover, Tezuka. It wasn't Fuji that you raped, see? It's written on the last page of the script."
"Who is it then, Inui? WHO?"
Inui gave a small smile, a blush forming on his cheeks.
"It's me."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
END.