Zzz Zzz Zzz Zzz
My alarm clock buzzed. I didn't know why I even bothered to still set that thing. I wasn't going to get up. I was going to lay here like I have been for the past week, sad and mopey and heart broken.
"Max, get the hell up!" A too familiar voice called from the hallway. Iggy. I groaned. Why couldn't everyone just leave me alone? Couldn't they see that I was devastated?
I didn't move. I didn't want to move. I lie here as silent and motionless and cold as a statue. I wondered if I was ever going to move, or if I was just going to die. Depressed people die faster, so I was probably going to die within the next hour. There just weren't enough words to describe the pain of Fang leaving. I mean, 15 freaking years with him, and look at where we're at now.
"Max!" Iggy yelled again, louder this time. Or maybe he was just closer. I didn't know.
No I thought. No no no no no. I closed my eyes and turned on my side. Tears rolled down my cheeks for the one billionth time that week. I silently wiped them away, but it didn't really help because now I couldn't stop crying. I grabbed the pillow from beneath my head and burried my face into it, letting out a muffled scream. Then I did it again. I let the pillow fall onto my chest, and screamed once more, but it was more of an unusual noise because I was crying to much and could barley breath. Or maybe I just forgot to breathe. Once again, I wasn't sure.
Suddenly, a hand touched my shoulder so gently that I almost jumped. "You're okay." Iggy whispered. How did he get in here? I didn't hear the door open. I glanced at the door. It was half open. Oh. I wasn't sure if he had witnessed this whole embarrassng scence, or if he had walked in just now.
Why does it matter? Why does anything matter anymore?
His hand trailed up to my messy blonde hair, and moved it away from my face. Why was he comforting me? That was Fang's job.
I sat up in my bed and wiped my eyes again. They burned from crying to much. The tears were still in action, but I wasn't making any noise. My tears just dripped silently onto the sheets, making little wet circles at first, and then forming bigger ones as the cloth absorbed them. For a second I was so distracted that I forgot Iggy was standing at my bedside. I didn't look at him. I didn't want to look at anyone. Only Fang, and Fang wasn't here at the moment.
I dragged my legs over the sheets so I was sititng on the edge of the bed. I stared at my feet. I felt sick to my stomach in a way that if I moved I wouldn't be able to take it and I'd just fall over. I wanted to die. Was that too much to ask for?
"You're okay." Iggy said again, and sat down next to me on the bed. I attempted a shake of my head, because I wasn't anywhere near okay. I was miles from okay. I was totally the opposite of okay.
"You can't keep living like this, Max." He whispered, barely audible. "Fang is gone. He isn't coming back. You need to accept that." But I couldn't accept that. And the sad thing was, I knew it was true. Fang was gone, and this time, he wasn't coming back. I just had that one last inch of hope that I would wake up tomorrow morning laughing because this was all a dream.
"I know." I managed to croak out. My voice was small and shaky. I knew if I said much more I would start sobbing and screaming all over again.
Iggy took my hand and held it tightly in his. Why was he doing this? Didn't he know I was never going to be okay?
I lifted my head slowly, barley managing to look into his eyes. We were only inches apart now, and I decided that if I moved, everything would turn out wrong. I didn't have room for anymore wrong things in my mind. It was time for something to go right.
I shook my head again, and I didn't know why. Maybe because this wasn't right, or because I didn't want to be alive. Or just simply because there wasn't anything I could or needed to say.
He titlted my chin up with the hand that wasn't gripping mine. I realized my gaze had drifted to the floor without me noticing. I was looking into Iggy's dark eyes, once again. They reminded me of Fang's eyes, and I bit my lip to choke back a sob. Fang was gone forever.
Then I did something that even surprised myself. I crashed my lips onto Iggy's before I could second guess myself. It wasn't soft or passionate, but forceful and alive and violent. I needed to let go of the past, something I wasn't so sure I could do. He kissed me back, hard, and everything just went away. Everything I've been feeling since Fang left just drifted...
We broke apart, both of us breathing heavily. He stared at me for a minute, then spoke:
"I...love you." I could barely hear.
I shook my head. "No. No, you don't."
"I love you." He said again, more clearly. "I love you even when you're a bitch. I love you now, and I'll love you forever."
Tears spilled down my face and blurred my vision. I didn't know why. I didn't know why I had to fall apart like this. I didn't know if things were going right or wrong. I didn't know a lot of things...
But I did know, right at that minute, that something needed to change. Letting go of Fang meant holding onto something else. I knew that I had to forget him. I knew that it was there all along. I just didn't open my eyes wide enough to see it.
I smiled, my first real smile in a long time.
"I love you, too." I said, and I meant it.
All I needed was some love.