Wargames: The Only Way to Win Is to Not Play
It was a standard Friday morning in October and I was having the primal craving that I experience every month. One word being whispered from the depths of my mind, a word that was appetizing and alluring but at the same time harrowing and brought with it chills that would freeze the blood and dilate the eyes; wargames. This mental attack consumes my very being, strangling my soul rendering me unable to do anything but appease this unending lust.
Anyway, I am a completely normal fan of the movie, but I prefer to think of it as more an experience or at least that is what these abyssal thoughts tell me, Wargames. You know, the movie that revolutionized the cinematic world more than that hack Kubrick and Spielberg ever could. I mean the pure depth of the film was enough to enrapture me the first moment my unprepared, virgin eyeballs were graced by the film. After watching the film five times in a row in order to feel the bliss that this magnificent media marvel provided. If you honestly believe that Wargames is not the greatest film ever to grace the silver screen, then you are probably a communist and I have no reason to associate myself with your kind. I'm sure that you probably think 2001: A Space Odyssey is a great movie or something important to moving media forward.
Since that's out of the way, as I was getting out of bed I decided to check the time, 3:33 am….. Weird I thought, the cries from my psyche never wake me up this early… As I wandered around my room looking over all my cold war memorabilia, yeah you could say that I am not like other guys, I could only feel my desire strengthening as I made my way toward my stash.
Opening my stash, which was under my exact replica M46 Patton Tank, I cried out in a sound that was unlike anything any human has ever made or ever will. My 4089 copies of Wargames were gone, stolen, hidden away from me in what is probably the work of a communist insurgent in the hopes of finally destroying me. Panicking, I hopped out from under me precious M46 Patton and ran as fast as my mortal body would take me to the backup copy I had hidden away in case a war crime such as this were to ever happen. I made my way to the library, where I kept the final copy in my possession, I just had to get to it before it was too late.
Ripping the library door off in 0.13654 seconds, I proceeded to climb into my perfect condition Bell D-188 (XF3L / XF-109). I smashed open the dashboard of the irreplaceable marvel of aviation and was left with a feeling of dread that would more than likely spell the end of me, my VHS copy, factory new, was not there… clearly, something was going on, perhaps Kubrick or that bastard Spielberg finally breached my innermost sanctum to damage me in ways I never thought they would manage. My defenses were perfect, I live on a remote island after my family said they were going to take me to the doctors, they said I 'needed help' and that they would 'fix me', sneering at the idea. I proceeded to pick up my father that was 6'7 and 300 pounds and throw him into my mom who was roughly 4'10 and barely 100 pounds. After feeling my imprisoners, I broke through the glass window behind then and jumped, falling roughly 7 stories and landed on my feet and proceeded to sprint with speed similar to that of a Boeing (McDonnell Douglas) F-15E Strike Eagle. I then swam to this island I now call my fortress, hoping to live my days in peace and in the warm embrace of my only true love.
Knowing now what I must do, I proceeded to leave my sanctuary with one objective in mind, Wargames. Pleading for more time to the voices that were now gnawing away on my very essence, I proceeded to swim at a speed of 204.534 miles per hour until I cleared the aquatic barrier to civilization. Crawling on all fours I made my way to the one place left in this godforsaken speck of existence that might have a copy of wargames in their inventory, GameStopTM.
Approaching the establishment, I ripped the door off its hinges and spiked it into the clerk that dared look me in the eye. As I approached the counter, eyes scanning the entirety of the store, I proceeded to grab the now downcast head of the clerk, who was now pinned to the back wall, I inquired about their stock of the movie wargames, after not answering me, I cried out again 'wargames'. Realizing that I was getting nowhere with this waste of space, I swear GameStop has the worst customer service. I proceeded to the back of the store, gently opening the door, I proceeded into the depths of the unknown, hoping to find solace, a shred of light in this abyssal night. Frantically searching around, I saw it, laying there in a box that read 'Do Not Open – GameStop Manager S.K' thinking that this box dared tell me what to do, I picked up the box and examined the contents: a copy of wargames, a Sega Dreamcast game called Sonic.dll, a Gameboy game called Pokémon Creepy Black, and Bullet Storm. Understanding now why the manager did not want people opening this box, I mean sure Bullet Storm had okay movement but the gunplay was still dated by the time of release. If PeopleCanFly had more time and innovation than sure, maybe it could have been a franchise or at least get a sequel. Seriously, what were they thinking when they had the gall to leave the game on a cliffhanger ending with the last words being 'God is Dead' I mean really what does that mean in the grand scheme of things?
Walking back out with my box of prizes, I proceeded to the counter, 'hey how much for this box?' The cashier was staring with glazed over eyes that had a look of dread and confusion on them, perhaps they were wondering why they even had the box.. 'Wait, are you saying I can have this for free?? Wow, maybe GameStop isn't so bad after all'. The cashier remained silent still, perhaps he was going through a moody phase I thought, I left before he could try and get me to sign up for their PowerUp Rewards Program.
Sprinting to the water and leaping the aquatic barrier I flew through my window, landing on my couch, now ready to satiate my hunger. Removing the copy of Wargames from its boxy prison, I inspected it. It turned out to be a Blu-ray copy of the movie, with commentary from the director! Salivating at the mouth I opened the treasure and was confused to find a note inside it read:
"Whatever you do please do not watch this movie. The evil within cannot be let out…. Please, whatever might have compelled you to open the box in the first place, please understand, this is not a movie…there is something otherworldly about this disk. It has caused me to lose everything that I held dear and I fear that it might be too late for me…Again please forget all about this and live the life that I am soon to lose…."
-GameStop Manager S.K
P.S: The damage done was from simply putting it in my Blu-Ray Player, please do not try to put it in anything else, like a computer.
Weird, I thought, why would they not want me to watch this movie? Like I said before, wargames is the greatest film of all time. Why would this piece of paper be trying to deny me the pleasure of this cinema marvel? Figuring that this piece of paper must have been a fan of the Shining, I threw it out my window.
After finally ridding myself of that heretical piece of paper, I proceeded to stare at the disk itself for about 4.532 seconds. I then got the idea to enjoy the disk from the comfort of my bed, so I grabbed my laptop computer that conveniently had a Blu-Ray player installed on it and popped the disk in.
After around 0.3241 seconds the text on my computer popped up: 'Wargames.mp4' and listed the various media player options. I decided on Microsoft Media Player since I prefer to have the most cinematic experience possible and Microsoft Media Player provides it over those other inferior players. Starting the film I was greeted by the Metro Goldwyn Mayer logo, you know the one with the roaring lion but something was odd, the lion had what appeared to be hyper-realistic blood coming from its eyes and the MGM on the bottom was replaced by . I figured that was just a glitch though and continued on.
Then I saw it, the black intro listing United Artists Presents and a Leonard Goldberg Production, I knew that my struggle today was not in vain. I was finally going to be able to reach my climax, the one I was so denied this long oppressive day, my one true love had finally arrived. The movie played perfectly until it randomly stopped and the replacement crew finally arrived, albeit 20 minutes late but that's not important.
Anyway, after saying "goodnight gentlemen" the movie froze and a text document appeared saying "You really should have listened to that letter". Confused I asked this virtual piece of paper 'who are you????' all I got in response was a series of 666. Figuring that this was just a glitch I closed the text box and resumed my movie, shaking at the thought of almost being denied once again.
As the scene continued on, another oddity happened, when the WOPR execution order was being entered the first part of the code read "you shouldn't have done that" and the time was listed as 3:33:33 and the launch code entered despite it always being: DLG2209TVX was changed to 6666666666. This startled me as I knew that this could never happen, there was only one thing that could explain this…Did I find a limited edition copy??? Either that or this was another glitch, either way, it did not really matter to me; this was my movie and I was not about to give it up.
Suddenly, my computer shut off and with it could have heard I heard a distorted laugh, something unworldly, something so primal and ancient that it must have been from an entity that preexisted creation itself; figuring that it was just a glitch I decided lay down and read the script of wargames I have in my possession.
As I was reading, I suddenly got a notification on my phone, it read as follows: "Emergency Alert: BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL." At reading this I was confused, Missiles?? That could not be possible how could missiles be being launched and from who?? This confusion was quickly subsided by excitement, this was exactly like wargames. This was a once in a lifetime experience and I was going to experience it, thinking quickly, I got a snack ready and watched from the window. That's when I saw them, streaks of smoke that were about to deliver nuclear hellfire upon poor helpless souls that did not deserve the fate that was about to be delivered to them; the ungrateful populace that probably forgot about wargames and had replaced it by the schlock that Kubrick, Spielberg and all those other Hollywood hacks regurgitate for the feebly minded populace, akin to a mother bird feeding her young.
Witnessing the blasts of nuclear fire enveloping the surrounding area, but leaving me unscathed, I could only continue to be fueled by jealousy. This was supposed to be my moment, I was faithful but I was for some reason spared, this clearly had to be some kind of glitch.
Suddenly, I heard screeching from all around, looking around frantically and searching the area for 1.749 seconds I saw them. The sky was filled with what appeared to be remote controlled Pterodactyls, they were seemingly carrying survivors of the nuclear onslaught, to where I don't know and with how my luck was going today probably never will.
That's when I felt it, the sudden feeling of being plucked off the ground, spirited away to where these beautiful mechanical beasts determined as home. I'm writing this as I continue toward the nuclear blast zone, what appears to be ground zero. I can feel my skin being peeled off from the extreme heat and feel my blood boiling like spaghetti on spaghetti night. I feel as though I am getting sicker and sicker to my stomach but I have never felt more joy than what I am feeling at this moment. From the view, I see the remains of what was once the United States of America and can only hope that those Hollywood hacks finally got what they deserved. As my consciousness faded the only thing I came to mind was what a strange game life was, the only winning move is not to play.
THE END