I can't believe it. I won't believe it. I'll never believe that my beloved Shinn would actually try to kill me…
And yet, the memory of Destiny's sword plunging towards my cockpit is just too real. No matter how hard I try, I just can't erase it, to deny that such an encounter really exists.
Looking at Shinn, lying so peacefully in my arms, I can't help but smile. He looks so innocent, like an angel who has just descended from the heavens. I start to brush his dark locks away from his sleeping face, but at the thought of that incident, a sense of hurt and betrayal overwhelmed me.
Has he ever loved me at all?
I remember all those times he held me, telling me that he'll protect me with all his might, because he loves me and therefore does not want to see me hurt… was he lying when he said that? Can people lie about their affections so easily? I've always thought of Shinn as very honest, sometimes to the point of being tactless. So he wouldn't lie, would he? Especially not about something as important as love…
Shinn stirs. His eyelids flutter as he moans, 'Stellar…'
Stellar! That name goes like a dagger to my heart. The first name he uttered when he woke up was… Stellar? What about me? Did he even think about me? I doubt so. Feelings of insane jealousy begin to surge through me. The girl he loves best, and probably the only girl he loves… is Stellar! Where is my place in his heart? Do I even have a place at all?
Tears cloud my vision. Shinn finally opens his eyes and looks at me. 'Luna…?' he asks. My pain eased a little when he said that. At least he still recognises me! A little hope flared in my heart. Perhaps I still have a little claim (a little, not much) to his affections. I put my head down to his and hold him tight.
'What's that?' he asks me, indicating the bright ray of explosion in the distance. I wince, for I know the truth will hurt him. 'It's the Requiem,' I explain. 'We couldn't take Orb down.' He gasped. Tears begin to roll down his face. Grabbing me, he begin to cry out. There are so much feelings in his cry; disappointment, pain and fury. Looking at his tortured face, hearing his tortured cry, my heart instantly forgives him for the wrongs he had done to me. My arms reach out and draw him close. Together, we watch as the Requiem met its fiery end.
'So… tell me about this Stellar,' I whisper. When he looked up at me, surprised, I add, 'Please. Who is she?'
Shinn smiles, a wistful remembering smile, the sort you smile when recalling something very precious that you've lost. My heart ached to see him smile like that. He said, in a slow dreamy voice, 'She was an Extended, the one who piloted Gaia and the first Destroy.'
The pilot of Gaia and Destroy? That murderess? I can't believe it. How can he possibly like someone like that? Struggling to keep my voice even, I ask, 'Gaia? Then wouldn't it make her the murderess of Heine?'
'I guess,' he replies indifferently. I was shocked to see how easily he dismissed the matter. Heine was a fellow pilot, our comrade, and Shinn thinks nothing of his death! He even loves Heine's murderess! The more I think of it, the angrier I become. Not only was Stellar responsible for Heine's death, she even single-handedly took the lives of many courageous ZAFT comrades and innocent PLANT civilians. The very PLANT that we are giving our lives to protect! She's so very adorable, huh?
'She was so innocent, so vulnerable,' Shinn continues. 'That detestable EA, they exploited her, forcing her to commit heinous acts.' His face grows red. 'That's why I promised… that I will bring them down.'
I couldn't take it anymore. Using all my strength, I push him off and rise up. 'I better return to base.' I say in a voice chilly as the Arctic's wind.
He grabs my arm. 'What's wrong, Luna? It's about me right?' he ask, a note of concern in his voice.
'Maybe,' I reply in a clipped tone.
'I know it's me, Luna. What did I do wrong? Tell me.' He pleads. But the anger in my heart refuses to dissipate. 'It's nothing,' I say.
'Don't do that. Tell me, talk to me please.'
'I said it's nothing! Don't care about it!' I yell. I don't want to tell him the truth because of certain reasons. Firstly, I want him to squirm, to feel at a loss, as revenge for what he did. Second, I don't want him to stop talking about Stellar. As painful as it is, I don't want to live a sweet lie, thinking that Shinn loves me when he really loves someone else. Lastly… well, despite my feelings of hurt and betrayal, I know, deep in my heart, that Shinn had done no wrong. He's not obliged to love me, and I have no business attaching any importance to my pain.
'Okay, if you say so.' I grow upset again. How can he give up so easily? Are my feelings worth so little to him? Well, I guess this plainly shows how little affection he has for me.
Turning away so that he can't see the tears streaming down my cheeks, I whisper in a choked voice, 'I'm going.' I board my mobile suit and activate its engine, preparing to set off.
I didn't bother to say goodbye. Because now that I know how little he loves me, I realise how insignificant I must be to him.
And the sad thing is, that didn't stop me from loving him.