Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, Tite Kubo does.

Ichigo was lying in bed all day. It had been a year since he had last seen the girl of his dreams. He never knew why, but for some reason ever since Rukia was about to be executed at Sokyoku hill, he had developed a desperate urge to be with her. If he was married by now, she would be his hot toddy. But he was a choosy lover, and what he loved about her the most was that she wasn't fancy. No nails done, hair done, anything. Even though opportunity hadn't presented itself, he wanted to show her a good time.

Unfortunately, he had no Shinigami powers and would probably never see her again.

"Well ain't that a mothaf-" he was cutoff from thinking aloud by a phone call from Chad. "What the deal playboy?"

"Bruh, you're gonna wanna come outside and see this. Trust me." The ginger kid went downstairs and opened his main door, only to see the one and only?

"Rukia?" He rubbed his eyes to make sure it was really her.

"Ichigo..." she trailed off, before regaining composure and smiling. "It's good to see you." At this point, Ichigo noticed only her, Chad, and Orihime were around.

"Where's Ishida? Renji? Everyone else?"

"Oh..." Chad rubbed his neck uncomfortably. He knew this would disappoint Ichigo. "They went on an L ride."

"WHAT? AND THEY DIDN'T TELL ME?" he replied with a mixture of shock, sadness, and anger. He hadn't smoked in a minute, and Renji was hilarious as shit when high.

"But Ichigo, what about me?" Rukia started to get angry. Against her orders, she came to visit him for a few hours, and all he cared about was cannabis. "I'm only here for the day, you can get high some other time!"

Ichigo sighed and dropped his voice an octave. "Gimme a dutch and a lighter I spark shit... I'm high all the time."

"Um, we'll leave you two alone," Orihime awkwardly blurted. "Come on Chad, let's go shoot that music video! I'd love to hear more about what this 'video ho' stuff is about?" Of course Chad would put one of the remaining innocent girls above the age of 16 in his latest single and hypersexualize her for better sales. Sick piece of shit.

Ichigo and Rukia made their way to his room and sat on ginger's bed. Ichigo had it planned out in his head already: 4 PM at the waffle house, 5 PM now she back at my house, 6 PM I'll be dickin her out, 6:15 I'll be kickin her out, 12 AM Imma call my friends...

"Ichigo..." Rukia began. "Imma only tell you this once you're the illest...you got spunk." It was like a dream for Ichigo, he didn't even have to do any Parking Lot Pimpin.

"Let's pull the two-seater out," he responded. Rukia loved Aston Martins, right?

"Ok let me cut to the chase," Rukia said. "Maybe it's time to put this pussy on your sideburns." She came onto Ichigo right away, who pushed her back for a second.

"Step out, show me what you all about..." he was feeling his Pretty Boy Swag right about now. "Call me Mr. Orgasm, and if we do this I guaranteed you gon have one!" This earned him a slap.

"Why do you have to ruin the mood like that? Just one? and Dipset? Gosh you're so stupid!" She was livid, and Ichigo was legitimately scared. He should have had her drunk off cris first.

"What the hell Rukia? How you aint gon FUCK? Bitch I'm me!" This got her attention though, as she responded with a simple "that's more like it" and jumped back on top of him.

Right before she started to go down, he stopped her head with his hand.

"Ugh," a frustrated Rukia blurted. "You're your own cockblock, you know that?"

"Wait, Rukia you know what I'd love more than anything?" he asked as he thought long and deep about it.

"What, Ichigo? What could you love more than this and watching me change clothes and pose?"

Ichigo had a wide grin on his face right about now. Like a 5 year old, he yelled the one thing he'd love to do right now:

"GET BRAIN IN THE FOUR DOT SIX RANGE!"

A/N: chapter 2 coming soon! It will have the lemon I promise