KALOPSIA

Summary: Stiles can't handle Derek touching him anymore.

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and I do not intend to make a profit off this story. The characters described within belong to their respective creators.

Warnings: This story contains graphic descriptions of violence and will have explicit sex scenes in later chapters.

1

Derek and I hadn't had sex for months. It wasn't for lack of interest. Every time he touched me my whole body seized up and I couldn't continue. All my mind would let me see was him drowning in blood, covered in a hundred wounds, and dying in my arms.

It hadn't always been like this and it was hard to remember when it had changed. Maybe by growing used to watching him suffer I had subconsciously begun to always see him wounded and broken. Or it could have been that hardly a week had gone by without me having to watch him pull himself back together yet again as another person he'd pissed off decided to try and destroy him. It was getting unbearable.

Tonight when I went to bed Derek was already there. He was lying facing away from me. It looked like he was asleep, his chest was rising and falling gently in the night. But I knew better. I shrugged off my shirt and pants and slipped in beside him. I was careful to leave a few inches between us. It was close enough to feel the warmth from his body but far enough away that I couldn't feel his touch.

At the change of pressure on the mattress he slowly turned over and looked at me. I couldn't meet his eyes. The guilt was overwhelming. Even though I knew he didn't blame me and he told me he didn't mind, the guilt threatened to consume me. He reached out and stroked my arm. For a moment my mind didn't make the connection and I could enjoy it. Soon however it only felt like his touch was sticky with blood and his eyes were empty sockets sucking me into the darkness. I pulled away and flipped over so I was facing away from him. I felt him touch my back hesitantly and then pull away.

It made me feel like shit.

Isaac was the first person to notice something was wrong between Derek and me. It made sense-his room was right next to ours and we weren't quiet when we had sex. Most of the time he was too polite to say anything. If it had been Peter, we'd never have heard the end of it.

I was trying to finish up my homework for one of my classes. When he sat down across from me at the kitchen table, I moved some of it so he could have space. We worked in silence for half an hour or so before he closed his book and looked at me. "Are things okay between you and Derek?"

Isaac and I were not close. He was still awkward and gangly and followed Scott and me around aimlessly like he needed direction. I tried to be nice to him because I knew he'd had a hard time of it but he still intimidated me somewhat. "Why?" I asked, trying to keep the anger out of my voice.

"It's been quieter at night. I can't smell him on you anymore." He tapped a pencil on his textbook. "And you both seem on edge."

"It's a rough patch, nothing to worry about." Isaac's eyes narrowed but he said nothing. "Can I ask you something?" He nodded. "Do you . . . have you smelled anyone else on Derek?"

He didn't say anything but examined my face carefully before answering. "No."

"Has he been acting differently?"

"You both have. You're both acting like something's going to blow up between you. That's why I asked." Isaac turned back to his reading. "This affects more than just you two you know. Derek has a whole pack to look after."

Now I was getting irritated. "I'm aware of that." He shrugged and we settled back to our respective tasks.

Derek came in a little later with some groceries. There was a moment when I thought he might have said something more than a grunted greeting but he put the groceries up and went to our room. I only got a brief glance out of him. It was hard to remember that months before we couldn't take our eyes off each other.

Isaac gave me a penetrating look and then went off to his room. I didn't know if there was any point in trying to talk to Derek or not. We'd both tried to talk about it off and on but it never got resolved. Neither of us was good at talking about feelings. It was a wonder we had even gotten together at all. Somewhere in our fumbling along we had realized that we were better together than apart. And it had been good. It had been really good. I wished I had some way of fixing things so it was that way again.

Derek was writing something in a notebook when I came into the room. He barely looked up. "We need to talk," I said. He closed the notebook and looked out the window. The weather outside mirrored our moods, it was misty and dark. The clouds seemed to be having problems deciding whether or not they wanted to let rain or the sun through. "I know things have been difficult lately. I'm not sure why. For some reason I can't deal with you touching me."

Derek had a pained look on his face. "I know." His teeth worried at his lips. "It's killing me," he whispered, swallowing heavily. He reached out and I wanted to take his hand so badly. Every muscle in my body wanted to reach out and take his hand, surely it couldn't hurt?

I ignored the voice in my head screaming at me not to and took his hand. Everything seemed like it sprang to life. I must have been starved for human contact because even this slight taste of his skin had my whole body shuddering and ready to collapse into him.

As all things did, it quickly turned to shit. I watched his skin slowly slide to pieces from a thousand cuts. His face became almost unrecognizable as blood spilled out from his mouth. I closed my eyes, I had to push through this, this wasn't really happening. If I could just ride it out maybe it would be the way it used to be.

His lips tasted the same if I didn't let myself think about who I was kissing. Once the thought that it was Derek entered my mind all was lost. I could only taste ash and the metallic tang of blood. The worst part was he could tell when it all changed.

He pulled back after a moment and pushed past me out of the room and then out of the apartment. I heard the door slam.

There is only so much a person can take. I crumbled. I had been trying so hard to keep it all together and now this. I couldn't live like this. Therapy had done nothing. My therapist had said it was probably some kind of anxiety. The drugs they gave me did nothing except kill my libido and deaden my emotions-all of them, not just the bad ones. And Derek had stood by me through all of it. I couldn't keep on doing this to him, to myself.

I packed up all of my things and got ready to leave. Isaac came out of his room as I was making the last trip and hung back watching me. "You're leaving?"

"I'm going to stay with my dad for a while." He almost looked like he was going to cry. "I think it's better if Derek and I take a break."

"Better for you maybe." Isaac rubbed at his arm helplessly. His eyes were going completely dead inside. "Things got better here when you came along. Derek's mellowed. Peter's not as crazy and things felt right. No one's on edge." He looked away. "I haven't felt that safe in a while."

"You'll be fine. I'll still be around. You can stop by and visit if you want." Isaac still had the same hangdog look like his whole world was crashing down . . . again. "It'll be okay."

"If you say so."He slunk back into his room.

It had taken a long time for Isaac to forgive Derek for kicking him out. After Derek had apologized and explained what had happened he understood a little. He knew Derek had been trying to protect him. As always, Derek had just gone about it entirely the wrong way. So even though Isaac acted like all had been forgiven and that bygones were bygones he still acted like his whole world could collapse at any moment.

When I moved into the apartment with them Isaac seemed like he was opening up more. He wasn't as defensive and he didn't stay locked in his room the entire time.

This might break him.

My dad was really welcoming. I think he was lonely all by himself in the house without me. Going back home made me feel different somehow, less responsible, less like the weight of the world was coming down on my shoulders. I didn't really tell him what was going on, only that Derek and I were taking a break. He muttered something about me needing to focus more on school anyway. We both avoided talking about it after that.

Scott and Allison came by later that week. They had had their rough patches but always seemed to wind up back together no matter what happened. Both of them must have had a conversation about how to act around me because they avoided being as touchy-feely as they usually were.

"Hey Stiles. My mom said you were back home. Did something happen to your dad?" Scott asked, bounding up the front porch. Allison hung back. A constant thread through our adolescence was my frantic need to make sure that my dad was healthy and whole.

"No, I'm just back to visit for a while." I managed a smile. Allison gave me a look that showed she had noticed how strained it was but didn't say anything. "How are things with you guys?"

"Deaton's letting me work full-time for the summer. That should help me pay for next semester. He said he's going to start giving me more responsibilities." Scott, despite a bad sophomore year, had pulled his grades around enough that he was able to get into a decent college nearby. At the moment his plan was to become a veterinarian.

Allison stretched out on the porch steps. "My dad's been showing me more of his business. Mostly the behind the scenes administrative stuff though, not the exciting things," she said. I nodded politely and let them talk about their own dramas.

After we'd started to exhaust the limits of polite superficial conversation Allison gave Scott's shoulder a squeeze and then went inside. We were all sitting on the porch watching the sun set. It was the first time in days that the sun had even been visible.

Once the door had shut Scott leaned over. "So what's really going on? Isaac's been moping around my place because he doesn't want to go back to the apartment."

"Derek and I . . . I needed to take a break." Suddenly my shoes seemed really interesting. I picked at the laces. "It's nothing he did. It's all my fault."

Scott looked confused and didn't say anything until Allison got back. She was carrying three beers and gave one to each of us. I was thankful to have something to do with my hands. We talked about nothing until it was later than any of us realized. Scott rushed off, yelling back that he'd see me later. He almost acted like I was contagious. Allison lingered and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Whatever's going on it'll get better. If you want to talk to someone I'm around."

They drove off leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I saw Isaac at school the next day. He looked torn between ignoring me and clinging to me. My stomach twisted looking at him as he walked up to me. An expression of rage flashed over his face but passed as he came closer.

"Hey Isaac, are things okay?"

He answered woodenly. "I don't go home much. Derek isn't there most of the time but things feel different. It's empty."

"Why don't you come over tonight then? My dad would like the company and we usually have more food than both of us can eat." I don't even know why I offered but his eyes lit up and some of the fear went away.

"You really mean that?" he asked.

"I know it's weird coming from me, but I don't want you to suffer for something that's between Derek and me." I touched his arm briefly. "Stop by after school. It'll be okay."

I settled into a routine, go to school, hang out with Scott or Isaac a few nights a week, spend time with my dad, and work at my part time job. If I thought about Derek, I tried to dismiss it just as quickly. I thought if I didn't think about him my mind might reset itself back to the way things used to be. If Scott or Isaac tried to talk to me about him, I changed the subject. Only in therapy did I share my thoughts and memories about him. They were still just as mixed up and broken as before.

One day I found myself walking in the Beacon Hills Preserve. I'd made a conscious effort to avoid the forest. His domain was trees and the outside. I had tried to respect that. But something drew me to the woods. It must have been a subconscious desire to see him, to see if he was okay. Scott had said nothing had happened recently so at least Derek didn't have to deal with constant attacks on top of dealing with me. For once the weather was clear and sunny, making any excuses I had to not go outside pathetic.

All paths in the woods eventually lead to the Hale House, which now belonged to the county. They were constantly threatening to tear it down, but an anonymous donor always seemed to come forward to give enough money to keep it around. It was constantly covered with no trespassing signs and graffiti. I had asked Derek about it once when he seemed in a relatively talkative mood and he lied and said that he hadn't considered it home since he had come back. Still I would often find him hanging around it as if he was waiting for something.

The house was open to the elements and rotting down into itself. The fire had blackened the siding and now it was slowly being taken over by mold and moss. I wondered how long it would be before the house collapsed in on itself. I sat down on the sagging front porch. Forest noises swept over me and I let myself become wrapped up in the earthy smell all around me.

The sun had started to set when Derek emerged from the trees. Thankfully he looked much as he had when I'd gone. He did look like he hadn't been taking care of himself but that could have been a result of him training the members of his pack. I don't think I could have stood it if he had suffered even more because of me. He looked like he'd lost weight but hadn't bought new clothes to disguise it. There was a feral quality to his gaze.

We didn't say anything to each other. He stood in the woods and I sat on the porch. It seemed like there was an invisible line between us that we couldn't cross. Finally Derek nodded at me and turned to go. It took a moment for my brain and body to catch up with each other and I ran after him. "Derek, don't!" My feet crashed through the leaves as I raced toward him. He could have run away or snarled at me but he stopped and waited for me to catch up. He was biting back a stronger emotion and had his head angled down to the ground. I didn't touch him. I stopped in front of him.

"Don't do this to me," he finally choked out.

I reached out hesitantly and touched his arm. For a moment I thought he was going to collapse. Instead he met my eyes. It was as if he was preparing to hear the worst. When nothing seemed like it was happening I rubbed his arm and held on. Goosebumps spread up his skin and he shivered. "Are you okay?" I asked, swallowing down the urge to cry.

He shook his head. For a moment I thought he would try to touch me more but he restrained that urge and was passive.

"I missed you. Are you feeling better?" His voice sounded so full of cautious hope.

"I don't know. I'm trying." I forced myself to move forward and hug him. This would be the first time I'd done it in months. He was solid and warm, though where there had been muscle was mostly bone. I felt like he would stand there forever if I told him to. I slowly deepened the hug, moving my hands on his back. Nothing had happened. Maybe things were getting better. He let me hold him for a minute.

Then he put his head on my shoulder. "Please just tell me if you want me to stay or not," he whispered. "I'll understand."

I took a chance and pulled away a little and turned to face him. I touched his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. I waited a moment, sure that any minute he would start to bleed and decay. Nothing happened.

So I kissed him.

At first he was surprised and kept his lips closed. Then he realized what was happening and they softened. He still didn't touch me, maybe not believing that it was true or that it could last.

I was almost overwhelmed with the explosion of repressed longing. I gripped him hard around the waist, pulling him so close I never wanted to part. He did nothing until I grabbed one of his hands and put it around me. He was breathing heavily into my mouth and when we pulled apart he gasped for air. I tried to slip a hand under his shirt. His eyes were turning red and I could feel his claws starting to grow. He pulled away though I knew it must have pained him.

"That's . . . that's enough for now. It's all too fast." He pulled away and stepped back. He rubbed at the bridge of his nose.

I wanted to keep doing more but I knew why he stopped. It was best not to push things beyond the limit and go slow. "OK, I'm sorry. I'll see you later then."

Derek grabbed my hand then and wouldn't let go. "Please Stiles. Stay the night with me. We don't have to do anything just come back." He was desperate and it showed.

I could barely control myself. I wanted to touch all of the places I had forgotten and rediscover his body again.

Peter was there when we got back to Derek's apartment. He sneered when he saw me. "Did you get lost on the way home?" Derek slammed him into the refrigerator. "Oh, hit a nerve? I'll leave you two to work it out." He picked up his laptop and then went to his room.

I stood awkwardly by waiting for Derek to invite me in. He finally noticed and beckoned me in. "He'll probably stay in his room the rest of the night. It's fine."

Derek's bed was still awkwardly placed in one of the larger rooms of his apartment. I remembered feeling like everyone could see us when we slept together. Now there was a screen folded up next to it. He blushed slightly as he set it up. It had been a point of contention between us. I didn't want to sleep like that, but he'd said he'd had enough of sleeping confined and alone. His concession on this point was telling.

"I'm going to take a shower. Make yourself at home." He disappeared into the bathroom. It was nothing more than a closet that someone had installed a shower and toilet into without much care.

I took off my hoodie and laid it down on the couch. Then I flopped down on the bed. I remembered how long it had taken to get to reach this point before. Derek was reluctant to start anything, especially a romantic relationship, and he had a hard time believing that people who showed an interest weren't trying to hurt him. It had taken months but we'd worked through some of it and then tried to be as patient as we could with each other. And now we'd go through it all again. I wasn't sure if we could do it this time.

Derek's shower seemed to last forever. The water shuddered through the pipes. I knew from experience that it took forever to get any hot water. When he finally came out, he'd toweled off as best he could and he had put on a T-shirt and pants. He looked a lot more vulnerable when he didn't have all of his accessories-the leather jacket, the sunglasses, the Camaro.

He turned off the light and climbed into the bed next to me. We laid next to each other in silence for a while. Finally he rolled over onto his side facing me. There was a little light from the surrounding buildings so I could see the reflection in his eyes. He reached out slowly and touched my arm. I shivered.

My mind went back to the first time we'd done this. He'd invited me over after we'd hung out a few times. I'd been to his apartment before with Scott so I was mindful of where things were. Isaac and Peter weren't around so when I suggested that I stay over Derek didn't resist as much as he might have. We'd only kissed twice-hurried, snatched kisses after escaping certain death. Now he was almost shy about it.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He continued stroking my arm but did not get any closer. "This is something you're serious about, right?" he whispered.

I almost laughed at him until I saw the expression on his face. He wasn't joking. "Yes, I'm serious about this if you are." I leaned in to kiss him and he met me halfway. It was different here. We actually had time to enjoy them instead of snatching kisses when no one was looking. His lips were surprisingly soft and he gave me three light kisses for every deep one until I thought I was going to explode with lust. My hands went to his shirt and started to slip underneath it. He stopped me. I didn't get it, he looked like he wanted the same thing I did.

"I can't. I don't want to go too fast, okay? I want to, but I just can't right now." He kissed me again.

"Okay, that's fine. You want to take things slow." I tried to hide my disappointment and look on the bright side. It had to be better the longer we waited, it would be such a release of tension. "Do you want me to leave?"

He shook his head violently. "No, no. I want you to stay. I'm not ready to do anything more yet." We wound up sleeping all tangled together so tightly it was hard to tell where each of us began or ended.

As time passed, he told me about Kate and all his hang-ups and doubts came to light. It was good.

It wasn't like now.

Now he held my hand and I looked up at the ceiling hoping that when I looked at him I wouldn't see death and destruction. So it took me a while to risk it. He was outlined against the moonlight. I thought that for a moment we had recaptured that first night, that uncertainty and that promise. Time stretched out and he still looked the same. His face had the same wary expression he usually had when he wasn't sure which way things were going.

I turned to face him. His grip on my hand tightened. Things had to be okay, I let hope fill my heart. I pulled the blanket tighter around myself and curled up against his chest. His heart thundered in his breast. I'm sure mine was racing just as fast. We stayed like that for a moment and then Derek moved one of his legs between mine. I responded by moving closer, holding him tighter. My cock was starting to get hard but this wasn't about sex or getting off. It was about getting comfortable with each other again. He kissed the top of my head.

"I love you," he whispered.

I pulled away slightly and then shifted so I could see his face. I could count the number of times we'd said these words to each other and it wouldn't even take up the fingers of one hand. "I love you too. You know that right?" He nodded.

We slept.