Somewhere in a manger is a disclaimer saying that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters. Just a mad Brotherhood fic based on the millions of insane Christmas specials we all watch every year!
The Brotherhood Christmas Spectacular
"And now…Public Access Channel Three proudly presents A Brotherhood Christmas Spectacular. Starring the Brotherhood…" A tipsy announcer hiccupped. "And the Sisterhood and the Boys in the Hood and Hood Milk. Hic! George? Do we have any more eggnog?"
There was a scene of a bright festive Christmas tree, a roaring fire and a cozy living room. And there in red and green sweaters, smiling happily was Lance, Pietro, Todd, Pyro and Fred. "Seasons Greetings to all of you out there in TV Land!" Pietro said brightly. "And welcome to the Brotherhood Christmas Spectacular! We at the Brotherhood have been sitting around watching all these cheesy holiday specials and we thought, 'Hey! We can do that!'"
"Yeah and no offense to all our fans out there who are not Christian or don't celebrate the holiday," Fred spoke up. "We're not slighting you! It's just that we thought we could make more money if we went with the Christmas theme. Nothing personal! Just business!"
"And keeping with that theme we want all our listeners to know that we are going to be selling the soundtrack to this special," Lance held up a CD with pictures of the Brotherhood on it. "Yes for nineteen ninety nine you can get this great CD with all our songs and bonus music!"
"Yes you can hear all the Brotherhood Holiday favorites!" Todd piped up. "Like Mystique Got Run Over By A Reindeer, Deck All the X-Men With a Two By Four, Xavier Got Run Over By a Reindeer, Let it Snow All over Bayville High and Bury it Ten Feet Deep, Scott Summers Got Run Over by Eight Reindeer and a Couple Elves, Edward Kelly Got Run Over By A Mack Truck Driven by a Reindeer…"
"I'm sensing a pattern here…" A familiar voice growled off camera.
"Not to mention some of my favorite holiday tunes I heard growing up," Fred added. "Traditional Dukes Family Classics that you and your children will come to love just as much as Rudolph and Frosty. Classics like Stumpy the One Armed Elf, Bebe the Cow that Saved Christmas, Lou the Lonely Transvestite…"
"And of course this holiday favorite," Pyro smiled. "We three kings of orient are, tried to smoke a rubber cigar! It was loaded and exploded and we traveled so far!"
"Where the hell is the FCC when you need it?" The same familiar growl shouted out again.
"Oh and we have guests here!" Todd spoke up. "Direct from American's Most Wanted List and Number Seven on SHIELD'S Most Wanted list with a bullet is your favorite fur ball…SABERTOOTH!"
"Yeah yeah…" Sabertooth walked on camera wearing his usual attire. "Is there any beer in this dump?"
"Where's your special holiday sweater?" Pyro asked.
"I stuffed it down the throat of that weasel you call a station manager," Sabertooth growled.
"In case you folks out there are curious how we got the big guy to appear without severe bodily harm on us, just thank Magneto," Pietro grinned. "Let's just say Sabertooth made a little mistake on his last assignment."
"Look when someone tells me to bring a guy in any way they can, that's what I do!" Sabertooth snapped. "Magneto did not specify if he wanted the guy alive or in one piece. Or less than nine pieces…"
"We also have on our guest that pig that played Wilbur in that movie Charlotte's Web!" Fred added cheerfully. "All five of 'em!"
"No we don't," Sabertooth burped. The Brotherhood members gave him a look. "Don't look at me like that. There were only four pigs back there!"
Everyone looked at Fred. "Well I had this craving for bacon," Fred fidgeted. "And Pyro really wanted to light a fire so I figured…"
"I gotta know this," Sabertooth interrupted. "Where the hell is the Scarlet Witch? How did she get out of this?"
"Oh that's because my snookums is the executive producer," Todd nodded enthusiastically. "And she explained to me that in the rules of television that the executive producer cannot show himself or herself on television unless they want to pay a stiff fine and she needed the money to buy herself stuff to look good in case she was on TV."
"And you all bought that? If there was any more proof that females are the smarter of the species that's it," Sabertooth grumbled.
"For the record I didn't buy it. I just didn't want to be hex bolted into next week," Lance pointed out.
"There may be hope for you bozos yet," Sabertooth then gave Todd and Pyro a look. "Well some of you anyway."
"Okay back to me!" Pietro waved his hand. Then he smiled at the camera. "Hello my adoring fans! I'll bet you're out there saying to yourselves: 'I've been shopping for everyone else this holiday. But what am I getting? Now you can get yourself the gift of me! Quicksilver!"
He whipped out some products. "Here's some of our many fine products you can purchase on our fine website! Once we get a website. This handsome Quicksilver poster, signed by me! Quicksilver! This DVD of me dancing my favorite dances with you to get you in shape! Body by Quicksilver!"
"This is all your stupid show is? One long commercial?" Sabertooth snapped.
"Oh like that's never happened on TV before," Todd quipped.
Pietro was still going, "And best of all this Quicksilver Calendar! The answer to all your prayers!"
"If it is God has a very sick sense of humor. Just out of curiosity," Sabertooth sighed. "Do any of you holiday hoodlums know what Christmas is all about?"
"Yeah! Of course we know!" The Brotherhood protested. "What are we stupid or something?"
"I'll take that to be a rhetorical question. So what is it about?" Sabertooth gave them a look.
"Well you know…" Pietro gave the other Brotherhood boys a look. "It's about…Jesus and Mary…And Jason…"
"Joseph," Fred said quickly.
"Yeah, yeah Joseph!" Pietro shook his head. "That's the guy. The guy who saved Christmas."
"Oh and Santa Claus and Rudolph and them beating up the Easter Bunny," Todd scratched his head. "Presents. Definitely presents."
"Yeah, yeah…" The others agreed.
"And fire!" Pyro called out.
"Pyro you think everything's about fire!" Lance said.
"Well it is in this case!" Pyro huffed. "You know? Chestnuts roasting on an open fire? Santa coming down the fire place? Christmas birdie roasting on a fire?"
"He's got a point Lance," Todd nodded.
"Okay I'll give you that," Lance conceded.
"That's what I thought," Sabertooth groaned. "Can we get this nightmare over with already? I'm late for an appointment with a case of Jack Daniels and a snow bank."
"Yuletide carols being sung by a fire…" Pyro went on.
"Choir," Lance corrected. "Sung by a choir, Pyro."
Pyro looked puzzled. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm pretty sure," Lance said.
"Well a lot of people think it's fire," Pyro shrugged.
"No they don't," Lance said. "Just you."
"Really?" Pyro was stunned. "Is this a well known fact?"
"It's been documented yeah," Lance rolled his eyes.
"I knew I should have chosen five weeks in that iron maiden," Sabertooth grumbled. "Definitely would have been less painful!"
"Okay so should we sing some more carols or something?" Fred scratched his head. "Cause so far this special kind of blows!"
"You're right Freddy," Pyro stood up grinning. "You know back in the old days a popular way to decorate the tree was to put lighted candles on it! So why not…?" He took out a flame thrower.
"NO! NO FLAME THROWER!" Pietro grabbed it out of his hands.
"Aw come on! Give the people what they want!" Pyro pouted.
"I know what I want…" Sabertooth growled at the Brotherhood. "If Wolverine is watching this I am never going to live this down…"
"How about another song Pietro?" Lance rolled his eyes. "Any song!"
"Oh I've got one!" Fred spoke up. "It's called Fuzzy the Flatulent Elf!"
"Any song but that one!" Lance gave him a look.
"But I've been practicing the chorus all week!" Fred frowned.
"We know," Pietro groaned. "And so does everyone on our block!"
"On the upside my fires have been burning much brighter and faster since…" Pyro began.
"How about we do some holiday wishes?" Pietro suggested. "Tell the people what we want for Christmas. Sabertooth why don't you start us off?"
"TAKE ME NOW GOD!" Sabertooth roared as he looked to the heavens. "TAKE ME NOW! GO AHEAD AND SMITE ME! I'M READY!"
"Okay let's go to someone else's holiday wish," Pietro said. "Pyro?"
"My holiday wish is for all the children of the world to unite and come together in a spirit of peace and harmony," Pyro grinned. "All the children of the world. Hand in hand standing around a big bonfire. A really big bonfire. Huge bonfire. I'm talking one real big sucker that covers at least a couple of acres straight! I mean we're gonna have to sacrifice a couple of forests and residential areas in order to put on a baby that large!"
"Okay Pyro, you're done!" Pietro said quickly. "Toad why don't you tell us your holiday wish? And please don't tell us the one where you're in the insect pavilion at the local zoo."
"Don't worry Quickie," Todd waved. "That one already came true this afternoon."
"That explains all the angry calls and lawsuits threats from that lawyer," Lance rolled his eyes.
"Well my other holiday wish is a lot like Pyro's actually," Todd went on. "That all the kids of the world unite…TO OVERTHROW THE SHACKLES OF ADULT TYRANY!"
"Oh boy…" Lance put his head in his hand. "Here we go again…"
"FIGHT THE POWER KIDS!" Todd jumped up and down and shook his fists. "FIGHT THE POWER!"
"I hate it when he has one too many millipedes," Fred sighed. "All those legs can't be good for his digestive system."
"If it's anything like your system and hot wings I agree," Sabertooth moaned.
"You have the power to overthrow adult tyranny kids!" Todd ranted. "No more schools! No more pencils! No more books! No more dirty looks from the truant officer you're trying to bribe! In fact! Let's just burn the schools down! Starting with Bayville High! Burn it I say!"
"YEAH!" Pyro said enthusiastically.
"NO!" Pietro shouted. "NO FIRES! NO TAKING OVER THE WORLD! NO STUPID PLANS TO INCITE VIOLENCE…"
"How about plausible plans to incite violence?" Fred called out. "Toad isn't the only one with a grudge against Bayville High!"
"Shut up! We can't improve our image if we keep randomly attacking that lame o school we used to go to!" Pietro snapped.
"You mean you can't improve your image with your old man if you keep screwing up," Lance gave him a look.
"I am not a screw up! You are all screw ups!" Pietro pointed his finger at the Brotherhood.
"Yeah right," Fred snorted. "By the way I saw a cheese log around here. Anybody see it?"
"Fred some of us have more important things to worry about than stuffing our fat faces!" Pietro snapped. "This is about me! Me! Me! Me!"
"And here comes the festive giving spirit of the holidays," Todd groaned.
Lance yelled. "Pietro you're not the only one around here with issues you know?"
"Yeah at least we don't whine constantly about how Daddy never pays any attention to us!" Fred agreed.
"I DO NOT WHINE! AND MY FATHER DOES PAY ATTENTION TO ME! A LOT OF ATTENTION!" Pietro screamed in a very high pitched voice.
"Yeah so much attention that he didn't even know you were in the room the last time we had a meeting," Lance snickered.
"LIAR!" Pietro screamed as he tackled Lance. Soon the two boys were rolling around fighting. "LIAR! LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!"
"Did someone say fire?" Pyro grinned as he grabbed the flame thrower again.
"Oh here's the cheese log," Fred picked up a cheese log only for it to get knocked out of his hands by Lance and Pietro fighting. "HEY!"
Todd saw the cheese long on the floor and grabbed it with his tongue. "Hey, you know what they say?" Todd giggled nervously at Fred's dark look. "Three second rule and all that."
"How about the rule not to eat my food?" Fred attacked Todd and then the two boy's fight rolled into the fight with Lance and Pietro.
"TA DA!" Pyro squealed with delight as he set the Christmas tree on fire. "BURN BABY BURN!"
"CAN YOU PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT I'M CONSIDERED THE MOST PSYCOTIC ONE IN THIS GROUP?" Sabertooth yelled. "MAGNETO! YOU ARE NOT PAYING ME ENOUGH FOR THIS! I DON'T CARE WHAT THE HELL YOU DO! I'M OUT OF HERE! IF ANYONE WANTS ME I'LL BE AT THE NEAREST BAR TRYING TO DESTROY ENOUGH BRAIN CELLS SO I CAN FORGET THIS!"
He stormed off the set as the Brotherhood continued to scream and fight among themselves. Pieces of furniture broke everywhere as Pyro danced and chanted around the burning Christmas tree. The boys even broke through the walls in the set and then the rest of the set started to catch on fire.
Back at the Xavier Institute all the X-Men were watching the television in jaw dropping shock. Everyone except Wolverine. "You know, I never really got into these holiday programs before," He smiled. "But this one really speaks to me!"