She Used To Be Mine
Chapter One
A/N: Well, here I am again. Starting a bit of a project here. This has been in the works for a few months now, and all the credit to this actually being something you can read goes to lazarusgirl - for all the help/ideas/making sure I didn't throw it away. At this point, it's also sort of fulfilling a prompt I came across a few weeks ago, so here you are to whoever requested.
Summary: And yeah, Amy's there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn't. She's whispering 'sorrys' and things like 'we'll do this together' and although Karma knows they can't possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
It really fucking figures that her entire high school career would go down in flames like this. As if the whole 'faking it fiasco' (as she so fondly thinks of it now) wasn't enough - the two lines on the stick sitting on the side of her parents tub is really just the perfect intro to her senior year.
"Fuck," is all she can really manage and then she hears the shuffling of feet just outside the bathroom door.
"Everything okay in there, honey?" Molly's voice rings through the solid oak door.
There are definitely times she can appreciate how much her parents tend to worry about her aura or whatever - this is not one of those times. Sometimes, she wonders if she'd like it if her parents were more like Farrah and Bruce… and shit she's going to have to tell Amy. Amy, who has never even remotely approved of her using Liam for some sexual release, is going to be so disappointed.
She's pretty sure she can handle the disappointment from anyone else, but Amy's disappointment is going to just kill her.
"Yeah, I'm fine. The, um … sea asparagus just didn't agree with my stomach," literally just the name 'sea asparagus' kind of makes Karma wanna hurl up her whatever part of that dinner she managed to ingest. Instead, she shoves the nasty pee stick into a bag and up her sleeve. There's no way in hell she's letting her mom get wind of this just yet.
She opens the door to find her mom leaning against the opposite wall; Karma eyes her warily. "Do you think I should mention to your father that we got a contaminated batch? We had that mailed in from the coast - you know that samphire is hard to find in Austin."
It's not even that she thinks her mom's going to be mad per se, if anything, Molly and Lucas will probably be all about human reproduction and Zen will gloat about all of the dreams she's never going to get to accomplish.
Well, Karma decides Zen can go fuck himself.
"You're sure everything's okay, Karma?" for once her mom seems sincere, and it snaps her out of whatever trance she'd just been lost in.
She nods. "It's fine. I just… I'm gonna go to Amy's – we have a test tomorrow."
"Good luck, I'll look over some of the tea leaves tonight for signs of your success, dear."
Her mom is so fucking absurd sometimes that it pretty much horrifies her that she could be exposing a new life to her childhood all over again.
But what's she really supposed to do?
She has no job.
She has no steady boyfriend.
She has no real college plans yet - she'd been fucking around on the FAFSA website for hours the other night, but it's really goddamn hard to find financial aid when her parents have virtually no legal income, and therefore no tax information to present to the government.
Sure, Liam has money, but she still has yet to fill him in on this catastrophe they've created. Yeah, Liam's about to become a daddy. They're not dating; they just kind of… fuck around still. A lot less than sophomore year, but still more than she knows they should. She's at least ninety percent positive that he's going to be less than impressed with the news since he has a steady girlfriend now - one that his father genuinely approves of. Some little rich bitch he met on a business trip for Skwerkel.
Karma thinks it's pretty ironic that the business he became a part of to bail her family out of jail is where he ended up meeting the new 'love of his life.' She should've just left well enough alone and let Liam move on – but she's never really been any good at being alone. She's basically always been part of a twosome. It was Amy&Karma against the world for the first fifteen years of her life - and it's been Liam off and on since then.
Mostly, she finds him when Amy's found a new girlfriend to occupy herself with, and three months ago she found him while Amy was out with Madison celebrating their six month anniversary. And yes, she's entirely prepared to ignore thinking about why it bothers her so much when Amy's out and she's sitting at home thinking about Amy's hands on some other girls'-
Nope.
Karma's been blowing off that train of thought for the last year and a half, so it's totally not getting brought to light now in the middle of the rest of this shitstorm.
Somehow, in the midst of all of her convoluted thinking, she got herself to Liam's front door. She meant to go to Amy's, but just the thought of the look on her best friend's face is making her queasy. She decides she's definitely not ready to face the real thing.
Not yet, anyway.
The door swings open to reveal Liam and Victoria (the little rich bitch) and Karma just sort of rolls her eyes at how very Booker she really is. They've met a few times in passing, and she always wants to just rip those fake lashes right off-
"Karma, hey, what're you doing here?" he smiles, but his tone says otherwise. Liam has a way of managing to keep the two women in his life very separate and he's expressed his dislike of Karma ever even trying to mingle.
As if she ever would, really.
"I was just wondering if we could talk?" Victoria narrows her eyes at Karma's words in a way that reminds her very much of a territorial Reagan of times gone by. "Alone," she adds with a smirk (yeah, that one was just for her own amusement).
Liam, however, is not amused.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow. This really couldn't wait?"
"It really can't."
He basically shoots her the look of death before turning to Victoria to mumble a few words that earn him a huff and some hair whipped in his face as she turns to leave. She doesn't bother with 'goodbye' and Karma is once again reminded that Liam is dating the biggest bitch she's ever had the "pleasure" of coming in contact with.
He waves her in after that and she meanders through the layout of his confusing creepy mansion-house to the kitchen where he hands her a bottle of water. Even drinking water right now is making her want to spew.
"She seems great."
"She is," Liam's curt and cold and nothing like he is when he knows he's getting laid. Karma really just wants to take the pen off the island in front of her and stab him in the eyeball with it.
Suddenly, she understands how Amy has always felt about him.
"What did you need, Karma? I'm really not in the mood to have sex right now."
"Oh? Feeling some of that old Booker integrity?"
He looks slightly taken aback but recovers with, "Hey, you come to me for sex, it's not the other way around."
"You have never once objected," she hisses. How dare he? For half of a second she misses sixteen-year-old Liam that was virtuous and hated lying. She misses the Liam that hated everything about his family.
It feels just like he's one of them now.
Karma wonders if it's her fault – but she really can't be burdened with ruining his life and the fucking up this baby's life too.
This kid is so fucked.
"You never give me the chance to object."
"Never give you the chance?!" she's fucking floored by his accusations and the fact that he's acting like he hasn't always been a willing participant. He's always responded without hesitation to her lame attempts at some sort of seduction. He's always the first one tugging at belts and buttons. "Are you fucking kidding me, Liam? You're ready to go before I even get my boots off half the time."
"Fine, look, Victoria wanted to wait a few months to 'get to know me' before she'd have sex with me so I was kind of in a dry spell and you were there and willing-"
It's the first time she's ever slapped someone.
She can't say the stinging sensation on her palm and fingers doesn't feel like some small bit of victory.
"Maybe I deserved that," he's holding his cheek with his left hand as he sits himself on the padded stool at the island. "But I was just telling you the truth."
"I don't- god, I feel so… Liam, I'm pregnant."
There it is. The three words she never really wanted to say out loud. She's been dreading them in a way she can't really describe.
He raises his eyebrows and surprises her when he starts laughing. "You're what? No, you're not."
Karma takes the seat next to him and lays her head in her hands to conceal the tears threatening to fall. This whole thing has actually been the exact opposite of what she wanted to happen. If there was some sort of 'worst-case scenario' she imagined – well, this is it.
"Do you really think I came over here to fight with you and tell you a lie?"
"You can't be… you can't be pregnant. We use condoms."
And yeah, she thought so too because she distinctly remembers the night and she remembers reaching into her drawer for it, and she even remembers handing it to him. It's only now, when she looks over at him, does she remember what happened.
"You didn't that night," Liam looks at her, his face full of confusion, so she continues, "I handed it to you, you dropped it in the shuffle, and we got so caught up we kind of… forgot about it."
Karma watches his eyes widen in realization and feels kind of bad when he clearly doesn't know what to say. She can't really blame him – she spent all day trying to formulate the words.
There's a few heavy moments of silence and it's not lost on her that this is the longest amount of time they've spent together in over a year that hasn't involved some sort of foreplay or sex. The idea of any sort of sex with him ever again makes that nasty nauseous feeling come back – apparently, the little fetus growing in there doesn't approve of that thought either.
"You need to say something," she finally says. Liam startles in a way she's not used to.
"It's simple right? I mean you're not… you can't keep it."
A second slap doesn't seem unwarranted, but she holds back in a way that her peace-loving mother might applaud her for. "What exactly are you suggesting?"
"I can't have a kid right now, Karma. Cannot, okay? I'm in the running for a promotion after we graduate, I have Victoria now, I have everything going for me-"
"And I don't?" she's never felt rage consume her in the way she does in this very moment. Liam is such a verifiable piece of shit and she's suddenly really disgusted with herself for the past two years worth of actions.
"You know that's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean? Because it sounds like you have a bright shining future and you can't be inconvenienced with this."
He reaches out for her hand, but she swats him away and stands to pace the kitchen that now feels like it's the size of a fucking football field. How big does one's kitchen really need to be anyway? The one at her house is like a quarter of this size and she thinks it does just fine. She hopes this kid can appreciate the little things because she doesn't see them being rich like this anytime soon.
"I just- we're eighteen years old, we're not even together. We can't raise a kid. Look what happened with my mom…sister…whatever… do you really think my parents will let this happen?"
"Your parents have no choice about what happens with my body," Karma thinks her tone makes it clear, but the look on his face seems like maybe not so much. She hopes the baby has more Ashcroft genes than Booker or she's gonna be completely screwed.
Ugh, fuck, what a person to procreate with.
Liam stands, glances at the ground, then at her and steels his face. It feels a bit like doomsday.
"Karma, I'll pay to have this taken care of," he offers, and it feels like her heart sinks right into her own stomach acid. "But if you choose to have this kid – I cannot and will not support it. There's no way my parents will let me ruin my future, not after everything my dad's done. Not after taking me from my mom to give us both futures. I just can't."
She knows those words will ring through her head for the next fifty years at least. She knows she'll remember the look on his face and the absolute lack of remorse as he uttered everything she didn't want to hear.
She'll never really remember how she got to Amy's house or if anyone was even home to let her in. And, she'll never remember how long she laid in Amy's bed praying that her best friend would come walking through the door to duct tape all these jagged pieces of her life back together.
"Karma, what're you…" the minute Amy sees her red, tear-filled eyes everything about her seems to soften. "Karma," and then there are arms wrapped around her shoulders and the ever familiar scent of the only person that's ever really been there for her, without fail.
"I messed up," she sniffles into the next round of tears. It's the first time all day she's really let herself cry over this. Amy just pulls her closer and shakes her head.
"It's gonna be fine, you always blow things way out of proportion in the beginning. Okay, this is just like…" Amy pauses for an example and Karma's heart surges with affection at the look on her face. "This is just like when you bought those shoes for prom and you picked the ones that looked better but weren't as comfortable and you had a complete meltdown in the bathroom and then we just went back barefoot. Remember? You're dramatic – it's kind of your thing."
Karma manages a tear stained smile. Only Amy.
"This is worse."
"Worse than when you ate one of those brownies your parents made last year and ended up high for like five hours?" Amy's trying so desperately to cheer her up. She thanks the goddamn planets for aligning and giving her this girl in the ballpit that day so many years ago.
Where would she even be without Amy?
"It's worse than that too," she admits as she glances around Amy's room. A small little segment of her heart flutters at the idea of a baby sitting on Amy's carpet, looking up at all those glow-in-the-dark stars they spent hours arranging as kids.
"Jesus, Karma, did you rob a bank?"
"More like I got pregnant… but you know… you were close," she tries for nonchalant but Amy's face nullifies that charade real quick.
Amy pulls back and kind of looks like the cat stole her tongue for a brief moment – and really, it's not all that different from Liam's face. Karma's hoping for a better outcome after the initial shock wears off.
"How did you – no, scratch that, I know how it happened, Karma. Fuck," Amy sighs, as she flops back onto the pillow behind her. Karma follows suit as she feels a familiar lump in her throat.
She was right.
Amy's obvious disappointment hurts worse.
"What happened?" Amy's quieter than she was before, but she manages to ease some of Karma's fears when she laces their fingers together.
"Liam happened." And that's kind of a really good sentence to encompass everything about what went wrong in her life. "I've been… I don't know. I guess we never really stopped hooking up even though I told you we did."
"From two years ago?!"
"It wasn't like it was then. It was just sometimes when I was – lonely I guess," she's finally admitting the truth to her best friend and the words burn coming out of her mouth, just like she knew they would.
"Lonely?" Amy rolls over onto her side, but Karma just stays on her back, still looking at those stars. Things were so simple when they put those there. They had futures and dreams and plans. They were supposed to get pregnant at the same time after they got married to the hottest guys they could find and became neighbors.
It's all kind of fucked now.
"You were just so busy with Madison and I – and you can date people, Amy, I mean I want you to. I'm so glad we're past everything, and I like Madison, but sometimes I just miss having you around all the time. Liam has Victoria and Shane hates me still, and Lauren has Tyler. It's just… it feels like I have no one."
Finally, it's all out there, but she doesn't feel any better. In fact, she might just feel even worse.
"Just because I'm dating someone doesn't mean you don't have me."
"No, I know. But, you're busy now, in ways you weren't before. I guess I just ran to Liam to pass the time."
Amy lays still for a while as she runs her fingers along Karma's palm – it's more comforting than anything. Yeah, Karma can feel her staring too, but she can't really bear to look over right now, it'll hurt too much.
"How far along?"
"Three months," she breathes out and then adds, "at least, that was the last time."
"Wasn't he with Victoria three months ago?"
She nods instead of responding because somehow, saying 'yes' to being some sort of accomplice to cheating feels really shitty right now. She's grateful that Amy seems to just know to let that one go.
"Weren't you using-"
"Of course. He just… I handed it to him and it got lost in the shuffle of – things."
"Right," Amy's never really been fond of hearing the details of her sex life. Sure, they're really far past that whole mess, but Amy's never been able to stop this sort of wounded expression from crossing her features at the mention of condoms, boys, and Karma all in the same sentence.
"Sorry."
"Don't be. It's fine," Amy says as she clears her throat. Karma finally attempts a glance over but she can tell her eyes are still glassy. So, she does her best to keep her shit together and forces the tiniest of smiles for her best friend. "Karms, we'll figure this out. I'll help, Lauren and Shane will come around, your parents, Liam - we've got this."
Oh, right, Amy has no idea of the outcome of the Liam conversation.
Karma reins in her emotions to attempt to get through the retelling of the biggest rejection of her entire life. "Liam's not going to be involved."
There's something akin to fire that rages through Amy's eyes. "What the fuck do you mean Liam's not going to be involved?"
Karma heaves a breath the size of Texas – she almost wonders if she should warn Liam of his impending death – and says, "He's not interested in being
involved with the baby."
"Elaborate."
"He…" she has to pause because this is harder than she thought it was going to be. Her voice cracks immediately when she starts again, "Amy, he wanted me to have – he said he'd pay to have it taken care of," and she breaks as soon as the words leave her mouth.
And yeah, Amy's there again, scooping her up, saying all of the comforting words that he didn't. She's whispering 'sorrys' and things like 'we'll do this together' and although Karma knows they can't possibly manage it with things like college and careers and relationships in the way – she kind of wants to believe Amy can save her from this.
Because she always has before.