Three Little Pigs, and the Big Bad Diet Pepsi?

by books4evah

Babitty Rabitty and Her Cackling Stump is too disturbing sounding, and the Three Little Pigs isn't original enough. To what lengths will the marauders go to find that perfect story?

Disclaimer: I own nothing, this doesn't represent my personal views.

AN: this isn't part of the Questionnaire, but I REALLY felt like doing this. I've had the idea for quite a while now. Maybe a month or so?

-&-

The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad…. Diet Pepsi?

"Dinner!" Lily's voice ran through the quaint little house, tucked away in the British countryside, and located on a small cul-de-sac called Godric's Hallow.

Remus sat up, from the couch he was lying on to read the Count of Monte Cristo (what could he say, he always was a sucker for the classics). He marked his page in the book, and headed downstairs to help set the table. Lily was a new mother, and PMSing (yes, she told Remus these things, but, after her best friends Alice and Frank Longbottom were tortured to insanity, he was her closest friend), and Remus did NOT want to get on her nerves then. Last time he had read instead of helping Lily set the table, he had narrowly missed his ears getting boxed. Thank god James had impeccable timing in his kisses.

Remus smirked at the picture of him and his friends at Hogwarts on the wall. They were all squished into that tiny house. It was a wedding gift to Lily and James from James' parents (yes, gift, no loaned money or anything, even Remus, who had known the Potters for a fairly long time, was still very much in awe of their wealth). Originally, Remus was invited to stay, because of his 'furry little problem' as it was dubbed by James. Remus was ever grateful, as his 'furry little problem' did present a little trouble keeping a job, or even an apartment. Then, Sirius decided that he needed a place to crash, because his first priority was not paying the rent, but, in fact, saving up money for his flying motorcycle. Needless to say, Lily was not happy. But, after she got over it, she and James mutually decided that they should invite Peter too. James, thinking, 'the more the merrier!', Lily realizing 'oh god, I'll be stuck with them together all the time anyway, might as well let the harmless one in on the fun too.'

"Finally! Someone to help!" Lily exclaimed, rushing over to Remus, and kissing him on the cheek.

"Hey! What about me!" James complained. "I'm helping!"

Lily glanced at James, who was jiggling Harry on his knee, and raised her eyebrow.

"I hardly think that counts. You could also be setting the utensils!"

"Hello? Innocent baby that might get stabbed in the eye with a fork?"

"Well, then set the napkins!"

"Baby?"

"DEAR GOD! I CARRIED AROUND YOUR SON IN MY STOMACH FOR NINE MONTHS, WHILE COOKING YOU DINNER, CLEANING THIS HOUSE, AND WORKING UNGODLY HOURS AND GETTING ALMOST NO SLEEP! I BENT OVER BACKWARDS MULTITASKING, MOSTLY FOR YOU, AND HOW DO YOU REPAY ME?"

James cowered behind Harry. "I'll pour the water…" came the feeble reply.

"Thank you," Lily beamed, and kissed her husband on the cheek.

"Bloody brilliant mood swings there, Evans! Or should I say Potter, now?" Sirius' voice wavered over the sound of chicken sizzling on the stove.

"Padfoot, we've been married for three years, surely you can get it into your pistachio of a brain that she's now Lily Potter?"

"What's a pistachio?"

Remus rolled his eyes, as Peter walked into the now quite cramped kitchen.

"Oooh! Is that potato salad?" Peter asked, delightedly.

"Yep, your favorite," Lily smiled.

"Thanks!" Peter grinned. "Just for that, I owe you. Any chore or anything, I'll do it, anytime, as long as it's not like the middle of the night."

"And that is why, ladies and gents," Sirius began, "we are always stuck eating Peter's favorites all the time."

"Well, if you were nice enough to set the table sometime, I'd make your favorites," Lily sang.

Sirius grabbed a knife, and set it at a place on the table. "There! Can you make lobster al la France now?"

"First off, that's not a food I know of. Secondly, that's Harry's place."

"So?"

'Give him a knife, he'll probably throw it, and it'll be lodged in someone's eye forever. Though I wouldn't mind that happening to you, Sirius."

"Hey!"

"And, thirdly, you held the knife the wrong way, and now you're hand is bleeding."

"What? ARRGH! MY NEW SUEDE JACKET IS FOREVER STAINED! Lily, will you—"

"No Sirius, I'm not washing it out. I'm leaving it there as a sign of your stupidity."

"DRAT!"

"Why don't we all sit down for dinner now?" Remus asked, in order to avoid world war three. And maybe four, five, six, and seven, too.

"Good idea," James agreed, and carefully placed Harry in his booster seat before sitting down at the table himself.

The others followed, and began their dinner, as Sirius grumbled.

"You're a-"

"Not in front of Harry," James said, as Peter covered the mentioned infant's name.

"Something that rhymes with witch!"

"Wow. Thanks."

Sirius scowled. "You're almost as bad as Babitty Rabitty!"

The other marauders stared at Sirius.

"Who's that?"

"You, know, from the story Babitty Rabitty and her Cackling stump?"

Remus threw his head into his hands (the other guys having reactions about the same). "You're comparing her to a story book character?"

Lily was too preoccupied in giggling. "Babbitty Rabbitty and Her Cackling Stump? Are you sure that's a children's story?"

"You've never heard of Babitty Rabitty?"

"Uh, no. I was brought up by MUGGLES."

"Right," Sirius nodded. "Do you want to hear it?"

"I think I'll pass."

"What stories did you hear, anyway?"

"I don't know, the three little pigs and the big bad wolf?"

"Now there's a sexual innuendo if I've ever saw one!"

"NOT IN FRONT OF HARRY!" was the response of everyone at the table, and, again, Peter covered the small boy's ears.

"FINE! But with a title like that, it's BOUND to be hilarious! Can I hear it, Lily?"

"For once can't we have civilized conversation?"

"Sorry, Lily," Remus sighed. "I've been with them for years, and the only time you get that it, well, never… sorry…"

"Fine. The story goes like this….

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs, who all decided to go off into the world. They said goodbye, and went to seek there fortune.

One day, a big bad wolf came along. He came to the first pig's house, which was made out of straw.

"Come out, or I'll blow the house down!" he bellowed, planning to eat the pig.

"GASP!"

"Shut up Sirius. I'm telling a story here."

"Not by the hairs on my chin-y-chin-chin!" the pig squealed back.

"Stop giggling, James!"

So the wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the house down! But, before he could eat the small pig, the pig ran away to the second pig's house, which was made out of sticks..

Again the wolf bellowed, "Come out, come out, or I'll blow your house down!"

"Not by the hair on my chin-y-chin-chin!" the pigs squealed back.

So the wolf huffed and he puffed, and he blew the house down. Still, the pigs were fast enough, and ran away to the third pig's house, which was built of bricks.

"Come out, or I'll blow the house down!"

"Not by the hairs on my chin-y-chin-chin!"

So the wolf puffed, and huffed, but he couldn't blow the house down!

"Let me guess, because it was made of bricks?"

"No sarcasm in this household, Peter!"

"Was that sarcasm?"

And the wolf went away, to bother Little Red Riding Hood, as the pigs were living happily ever after in their brick house. Which eventually became too small.

"So, what, there are billions of people who know that story that way?" James asked.

"Yes, I suppose."

"Then it could stand to be a bit more interesting!"

"How?"

"Like so….

Once upon a time there were three cans of coke. One built it's house with plastic soda bottle caps.

Then the Big Bad Bottle of Diet Pepsi came along, and said "Come out, or I'll blow the house down!"

"Not by the metal pluck-y thing-y on the top of me-y-me-me!

"You mean, the opener?"

"Yeah! That's it! The opener!"

So the Big Bad Diet Pepsi popped open it's plastic bottle cap, and threw in a mento, and blew up the house, with the sheer force of the reaction.

The coke was able to run away to the second can of coke's home, which was built out of a soda box.

After refilling himself, the Big Bad Diet Pepsi came along, and said, "Come out, or I'll blow the house down!"

The pigs replied, "Not by the opener on the top of me-y-me-me!"

The Big Bad Diet Pepsi ate another mento, and destroyed the house in doing such. Then the pigs ran away to the house of the third coke, which was made out of the receipt of a soda purchase.

After refilling himself for the second time, the Big Bad Diet Pepsi came. "Come out, or I'll blow your house down!"

"Not for the opener on the top of me-y-me-me!"

The third mento was dropped in, and the fizzing came, but, it couldn't destroy the house, and rebounded onto the Big Bad Diet Pepsi, who died from the sheer force.

The third coke came out and laughed. "Nothing can beat the sheer force of power! HA!"

"Very original," Lily remarked, sarcastically, of course.

"Thanks!"

"I could do better," Sirius remarked.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! Watch and learn…"

Once there were three little llama-eating oysters made out of cheese, and a big bad lamb. The first had a house painted pepto-bismol pink, then covered in artistic drawings of rainbow monkeys! The second was white, but barely an inch was not covered in some sort of tacky jewel. The third was really ugly, it was a plain brick house.

Then the Big Bad Lamb came along, and they all had a tea party, and gossiped and stuff, about-

"Never mind. It was a mistake to ask you to share your version," James interrupted, and the others nodded.

"Well, I never! I bet mine is better than Peter's, though!"

"Well, I take you up on that bet! Peter?"

"Oh! Yeah… Er… here goes nothing…."

Once upon a time, there were three little homies dawgs. They all left their mother, and came to America, seeking their fortunes.

The first bought a house on the west end of Manhattan, the part that cant be trusted AT ALL. And has really shabby buildings. Well, a great big gangsta came, and was all like "Man! Why you go and not pay da rent? Pay up!"

And the homie dawg said, "Not by the trigger on my gin-y-gun-gun!"

"You go and mock me, boy?" the gangsta yelled, and blasted down the house with his machine gun.

The homie dawg got away, though, and ran to his brother's house, which was a trailer in a trailer park.

The gangsta tracked them down, and yelled, "Pay the rent!"

And the homie dawg yelled back, "Not by the trigger on my gun-y-gun-gun!"

And so the gangsta blew down that house too.

The homie dawgs then ran to the house of the third homie dawg, which was a box, because the third homie dawg was a hobo.

And by then the gangsta was so mad, he just took out his machine gun, and shot them all down.

When Peter finished his story, everyone was staring at him, including Sirius, which was a wonder.

But, Sirius was the first to come out of it. "Hah! You owe me a galleon, James!"

"No. Your story was still worse. So, you owe me a galleon."

"Damn. There goes the savings for my bike."

"You've been saving for over a year, and you've only saved a galleon?" Lily asked, incredulously.

"I might have been tempted a bit here and there…."

"Meaning he spent the other nine hundred and thirty four galleons he had saved at a strip club," James sighed.

"What? How do you do that?"

"It's a guy- never mind- it's a Sirius thing," James said.

"Here, dinner's obviously done, so why don't I clean up, and you can go do whatever you were doing-"

"Yeah!" Sirius exclaimed. "Back to throwing rocks at innocent pedestrians through the bathroom window, while singing 'Remus and my fiver year old cousin Nymphadora, sitting in a tree…'"

"Right…."

"No," Lily said, pulling Remus back down. "I want to hear your story!"

Remus groaned, as following this, Sirius plopped back into his chair, kicking his feet up onto the table, and the others started cheering him on.

"Alright…. But only to get you off my back, because-"

"You need to start 'sitting in a tree' with Nymphy, if you catch my drift…"

"Shut up, Sirius! And well, my story is called The Three Little Marauders, and the Big Bad Remus…"

Once upon a time, there were three little marauders, Sirius, Peter, and James. They all built houses in the suburbs, by themselves, causing many people to call them insane, because if you want something built, you should probably be calling up a building agency.

Anyway, along came the Big Bad Remus, and he was like to Sirius (in his house made completely of llama-eating oysters made of cheese), "Come out, you weren't allowed to build this house here, it's the property of the person whose lawn your house is on. If you don't, I'll use dynamite."

Sirius said, "Not by the hair on my leg-y-leg-leg!"

Remus then motioned to the guys on the side lines, and the house was blown up. bUt Sirius ran away first, to Peter's house (made of toothpicks).

"Come out, you are holding a fugitive of the government, and we found that you failed kindergarten, Mr. Pettigrew, and must take it over again."

"HEY!"

"Not by the hair on my leg-y-leg-leg!" was the reply.

The house was blown up, and the two ran away to James' house, which was a dynamite resistant metal covered one, with watchout towers, and machine guns, and was totally safe, and could never be blown down.

"Thank you!"

And plastered in pictures of Lily Evans/Potter.

But, the two marauders couldn't get in, as he was, cough-busy-cough, with a certain Lily Evans/Potter.

So, the two hide in a nearby tree, and Remus was able to arrest Sirius, and drag Peter back to day-care.

"The End."

James smiled at Lily. "You know, being busy, doesn't sound too bad right now."

Lily smiled back. "I must agree."

The two ran upstairs giggling.

Sirius smirked, and said, "Back tothrowing rocks at innocent pedestrians through the bathroom window, while singing 'Remus and my fiver year old cousin Nymphadora, sitting in a tree…'"

Peter was slowly backing up to the wall, looking around nervously. "I'll bet going now… not to write my own dictionary, or anything… he-he… I'm not lying…."

"Okay, so you're not going to write a dictionary."

"I SAID I'M NOT! Hehe…."

Peter backed out, and Remus turned to Harry.

"I guess it's just the two of us again, Harry."

Harry responded by wiggling out of his highchair, and spitting on Remus' shoe, then crawling off towards a particular wine cabinet.

"I told Sirius he should never have let Harry have that taste of his whiskey…."

-&-

AN: Yeah… my family had that conversation once. My little sister was talking about the skit she ws doing in school ('The Three Pepsis and the Big Bad Coke'), and we all put in stories. My other little sister told a nonsensical one that Sirius' was modeled after, and my older brother told the gangsta one. I mocked my older siblings with mine! Like Remus' yay! That was random…. Review, please!