Hey guys. I know it's been quite a while since I've put anything up and I know allot of you are probably looking for certain things and I'm extremly sorry for the wait. Allot's been happening and it seems my depresson is at an all time high which means that not only do I feel like shit but my muse also refuses to obey what I say. I can only write what it wants and everything else it just doesn't care about at all. In fact, the only reason I'm even posting this is because I felt guilty for not giving you guys at least something. So I hope you can forgive me if not I'm deeply sorry.
Song: Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her (yes I know that Alec is a male but I couldn't think of any females I wanted to write for so please just ignore it)
She is running, a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction...
Blue eyes wearily take in his surroundings in more of a habit than anything else. He doesn't care what's around him, doesn't care if the couple just a few feet away from him seems to be having some type of fight, doesn't care if the streets seem too dark, the walls too tall, too close. He just... doesn't care. He hasn't for a while and he certainly doesn't now. But then again, that doesn't matter. He needs to keep some kind of normality in his life, needs to seem even a little human. It makes him feel better, these little lies, helps keep his blank mind focused on something instead of the terrifying numbness that's overtaken his emotions for so long.
She is trying, but the canyons ever widening, in the depths of her cold heart...
A harsh rush of cold air hits his body and Alec sways slightly, staring blankly ahead at the subway train in front of him, the dull roar of the machine echoing in his ears. He steps onto the train, slowly making his way through the crowd of people to find a spot near one of the poles.
No one even glances twice at the teenager with the muddy jeans and ripped sweater, nor do they take in his bruised face with anything other than slight curiosity. Maybe they wonder what his story is; maybe they question why his eyes are so blank, so hollow; or maybe they just want to know if he's another old city story, but he never knows because after a mere glance they look away, disinterested.
And Alec's emotions, his humanity, slips that much further away.
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find, she's another two years older and she's three more steps behind...
He doesn't know where he's going as he lets the train take him as far away as it can and he doesn't really care either (he never cares anymore). All he knows is that he has to get away. Far far away. He has this strange urge to start over, to restart his life and become someone he's not ashamed of, someone normal. But Alec knows that's impossible. Besides, it'd take far too much work, too much energy. A humorless smile crosses his lips at that. His 'parents' thought that that kind of outlook was just laziness. It wasn't, not really. He'd just been so drained, so utterly let down that he didn't want to do anything anymore. Doing things created hope, created something that could only be destroyed so Alec didn't do anything to create those things. He went through daily motions, did what 'humans' did but other than that he was akin to a robot. He did what was expected and nothing more. That worked for him, had for over five years and he wasn't planning on stopping now. No matter how much he knew that that should alarm him.
Does anybody hear her?
It's routine when he gets out of the subway station. Find the nearest hotel, no matter how bad the neighborhood is, pay for a room, crash.
.
The shower is incredibly inviting despite the fact that from the looks of it it probably hasn't been cleaned in ages and he quickly sheds his clothes, washing them the best he can with the small soap that sits on the shelf before hanging them on the towel rack to dry. He stepped into the warm spray, shivers that he's just now aware of racking his cold body at the relief. Needles prick his skin as his body heats up once more, and Alec barely flinches when pain blooms from his cuts and bruises. The hurt is almost good in a way. It lets him know that he's still alive despite how empty he feels. Tells him that he's still something.
Can anybody see?
He casts a glance at the mirror on his way out, eyes holding disgust as he notes the purpling bruise below his eye and the dried blood of his split lip among other injuries. His eyes are dead and empty and sad and Alec can't stand it. He's disgusting and empty and it's no wonder no one seems to think of him as a human being. He's good for nothing else except to be a punching bag for others and he has no reason to want to cry over that fact.
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
It's stupid and he doesn't want to do it, he just wants to sleep and forget for a little while... But that's not exactly true is it? Because he does want to do it, does want to feel if even for a little while. So he grabs his bag, finds the pouch that holds his small supply of first aid supplies among simple medications and pulls out a razor. It's a sick way to make himself feel he knows, but he can't help it. Alec needs to feel something other than the emptiness inside, needs to feel the rush of emotions that he gets with each slice of his skin. So he places the towel on the floor and sits down, naked and shivering slightly before bringing the sharpened edge to his thigh, just below the large group of previous cuts, all scarred over now. And he slices and feels and cries. Because this is what he's amounted to. A nineteen year old boy who's been running away since he was fifteen; who can't feel unless he has a blade pressed to his flesh, watching his blood drip down his skin; who can't be alive unless he's hurting. Who's so utterly worthless and empty.
His skin bleeds and tears fall. Yes, Alec can feel now.
Under the shadow of our steeple, with all the lost and lonely people... searching for the hope that's tucked away in you in me...
Humans are so peculiar to him. They're always on the move, always doing something, always striving for something more. Alec doesn't understand it. He can vaguely remember what it feels like, gets it in sudden bursts sometimes, but other than that he just can't make sense of everyone else's need to do more, be more. Well actually, now that he thinks about it, maybe he can. He wants to be more than he is, wants to be more than empty... Perhaps that is similar to what they feel?
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
He finds an apartment. It isn't nice but it isn't exactly revolting either. It's in between and it's in his budget so Alec settles. He finds a job as well in a homey little bookstore that he's surprised even hired him given his appearance. But then again, the kind old lady that owned the store seemed to be the charity type and he definitely looked like a charity case, not that he was complaining. Whatever it took to survive.
She is yearning for shelter and affection that she never found at home...
Eager smile, hopeful eyes. "Mommy, can I get this one?"
Playful glance, teasing grin. "Hmmm I dunno... Well you have been a good girl..."
Soft groan, pouting lips. "Mommy..."
Amused chuckle, ruffled hair. "Alright."
Alec sighs, watching the pair from his place near the bookshelves, pausing briefly in sorting the stacks of literature. He sometimes wonders if things would be different if he had a childhood like that. Sometimes wonders if he'd be like he is now. He dreams about it now and then, of a life where he had loving parents who didn't scream or hit or scorn. But he's learned that dreaming about it only makes the reality hurt more so he's stopped but... He still can't help but wonder sometimes. Can't help but wish that he didn't have to wonder. That what that little girl had was his reality as well.
And she is searching for a hero to ride in, to ride and save the day...
He's never been in love before. Never experienced what others seem to search and long for. He's had brief crushes and infatuations but never the actual thing. But then again he supposes that that's just as well since he doubts anyone could love someone like him.
Even knowing that, Alec thinks about it every now and then, sometimes even sucumbs to it and finds himself getting lost in the nearest romance novel that catches his fancy, but other than that it doesn't really matter to him. There's a slight longing at the back of his head when he sees couples walking around happily, but he's empty and incapable of wishing for anything else.
(Though he admits that sometimes he'll find himself curled up in bed with what feels like a hole ripped in his chest that aches and longs for something that he's never experienced and will probably never have.)
And in walks her prince charming and he knows just what to say, momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away...
He catches Alec's eye as soon as he steps in. How could he not? Someone like him shouldn't be in a place like this. You'd expect him to be on a beach, or even a club, but not some old bookstore that's not nearly as grand as the newer ones further into the city.
"Can I help you?" He finds himself murmuring, blue eyes seeking out golden and it all just goes downhill (or should it be uphill?) from there.
The blonde turns to him and in a matter of minutes Alec is infatuated. Jace (the blonde's name he finds out) is smart and witty and beautiful and he just can't. stop. staring. And with the smallest comment on that fact Alec is a blushing mumbling mess and he's actually feeling something.
He doesn't really know how it happens, but one minute they're talking and the next Jace is asking him if he'd like to come by his apartment and Alec is agreeing and then they're kissing and somehow they're in a taxi and then they're in a room and their bodies are grinding and humping and their hands are fumbling over rumpled clothing and sweaty skin- And then they're on the bed and Alec's mind goes blank in a delicious, body trembling way.
.
When Alec wakes up the blonde is gone and there's a note on the side table. He pulls his clothes on and leaves, unable to comprehend the aching in his chest.
If judgment looms under every steeple, if lofty glances from lofty people, can't see past her scarlet letter and we've never even met her...
He has nightmares days after that, nightmares that he hasn't had for months. They're always of the same thing. He's a child, barely even a teenager and he's at home, staring fearfully at a man who's supposed to be his father, who's not supposed to lay his hands on his son, who isn't supposed to smash beer bottles into his small body but who does it all the same. And then he's running, trying desperately to get to his room where the door can lock and he'll be safe- but he trips and he tumbles back down the stairs and then the man is there and he's smashing a bottle on his head and there's blood pouring down into his eyes and his head is dizzy and he can't see- And then there's nothing but pain and tears and screams. And Alec's destruction begins.
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see? Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
He's getting worse. He isn't even sure he's classified as human anymore. Even when cutting he can't seem to feel anything, everything is just blank now and Alec's never been more terrified. If he can't feel anything then what's the point of living at all? Everything is just meaningless. There's no reason as to why he shouldn't just stay in bed all day, why he shouldn't just stare at the wall, mind blank and eyes devoid of emotion. Everything is just... worthless and he can't even bring himself to care even a little bit.
He's truly nothing now.
He is running, a hundred miles an hour, in the wrong direction...
It's raining outside the day that it happens. He doesn't have an umbrella, isn't even wearing a proper jacket and he's walking through the pouring rain on his way back to an old coffee shop that has some of the best muffins he's ever tasted. He's just at the door, about to unlock the door to his apartment building when all of a sudden there's a series of shouts and then there's a boy racing towards him on long legs, blood dripping from a cut on his shoulder and bruises marking his sleeveless arms. He looks at Alec with frantic and pleading green eyes, voice shaking though whether it was from the cold or something else Alec didn't know.
"P-Please can I come in? I promise I'll leave as soon as I can just- P-please-" He looks as if he's about to cry and Alec feels for this other boy who already reminds him so much of himself. He turns the key quickly, -already able to hear the shouting growing closer-ushering the other boy inside before closing the door, pausing to make sure that the lock is firmly in place.
"Come on," He murmurs, nodding towards the stairs. "You can wait in my apartment."
The other boy looks hesitant, glancing at the door before nodding slightly, shivering as he rubs his arms. "T-Thank you."
Alec smiles a ghost of a smile, nodding once more. "I'm Alec, by the way."
Green eyes blink before a small smile meets his in return. "Magnus."