Pain
Yes this is yet another Fullmetal fanfic. I got a little lost on my other story for the time being and really wanted to post something. I had finished this one not too long ago so I thought I'd put it up while I try to figure my other story out. This is an alternate ending for the anime so the movie doesn't exsist in this one. And also the same old stuff. I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist and that really makes me want to cry.
It had been months since Ed and Al had left last. There had been no word from them. Which shouldn't have surprised her. But something felt off this time. She was more worried about them now than she ever had been before. All she could do to keep her mind off it was to work on her automail. But even that soon failed to ease her troubled thoughts. And granny was begining to worry about her as she began to cut herself off from the rest of the world.
Then one day Winry was scared practically out of her whits when granny threw the door to her workshop open and yelled to her. She dropped the wrench she had in her hand and it fell squarely on her toes. She hopped about grabbing her foot.
"Ow ow ow ow!"
"Sorry baout that Winry. But they're home."
Winry stopped hopping and leaned against her work bench. "What?" She asked in shock and a little surprise.
"They're home." Granny repeated. "They're coming up the road."
That's when Den barked and Winry bolted out of the room. Her pain forgotten.
She rushed out the front door and practically jumped down the steps. Skidding to a stop when she saw Al.
"Alphonse?"
The younger boy grinned. His expression matching the goofy grin Ed always used. His dirt blonde hair blowing in the slight breeze. A flesh body replacing the once hollow armored shell.
"Al." She mouthed again with tears in her eyes. She ran over and hugged him. Behind him stood a rather rugged looking Ed. Leaning heavilly on a crutch. Her smile dropped and she released Al. He knew by her actions that she'd seen Ed and he slowly backed away.
Ed looked so tired. And much too old for his actual age. Dark bags lingered under his eyes and he was cringing every now and then. Sweat dripping down his face. She could tell he was in pain.
"Edward? What happened?"
He didn't speak. Didn't even look at her.
"He's been like this for a while." Al spoke. It was a little odd for Winry to hear him speak without the echo from the metal.
"Why?" She questioned.
"He...one of the Homunculus could shapeshift. He killed Ed. Formed an armblade and plunged it through his chest."
Winry gasped. Rose had told her what happened but not everything apparently.
"I had to lay there and watch brother die. But what we didn't tell you guys, was that we attained the philosophers stone. But it was bound to me. I used it to bring brother back. Apparently the gate thought the stone was enough payment to give back my body and brother his life. But I never saw brother at the gate. When I woke he was looking down at me. Yelling at me for being too reckless. Hypocrite." Then Al went quiet.
"Al?"
He sighed deeply before speaking again. "He changed after that. He quit speaking. He hasn't talked since we left Central."
"But, why is he like that?"
"The gate only gave his life back. He still has his automail but it's pretty busted up. And the stab wound was healed but it still hurts him a lot. He has a big scar from it. And now he's letting everything he's done hit him. He's in bad shape."
"Oh Ed."
Winry started to approach but Ed flinched as she neared. She stopped "Ed? What is it?"
"I don't want to be touched. I don't deserve it. With all I've done."
Al stood shocked. Those were the first words he'd heard his brother speak in some time.
"Ed. Don't say that. Come on. Let me get your limbs fixed up and clean you up a bit."
"I'm not an invalid!"
"I didn't say that Ed. I know you're not."
"I don't like being this way! In pieces!"
"You never cared about this before. Why now?"
"I've always thought about it! I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm a freak! That fucking gate screwed me over again! I just want to be normal!"
"Ed you're alive. Isn't that what matters? Don't worry about what others think."
"Who can live any kind of life when they're in pieces!?"
Al could almost hear a low growl eminate from Winry and knew an outburst was coming.
"Why should that matter!? I made those parts for you you know! Specifically for you! Does it all mean so little to you!? Would you rather hop around on one leg and use one arm!? Aren't you happy that you can move around like everyone else!? God! You almost die and all you can do when you come back is bitch that you're not complete the way you want to be!? Does your life mean that little to you!?"
"Win." He began. His expression softened and his voice hoarse.
"You jerk!" She turned and ran back into the house.
Granny fixed Ed's automail since Winry had locked herself in her workshop and wouldn't open the door for anyone. Ed really felt bad now. He knew she was sensative about her automail. But that wasn't it this time and he knew it. She was so happy that he was back. That he was still alive. But all he could do was mope around because he still had automail. He wasn't the only person with it. And he definately wasn't the only person who wanted their true limbs back. She was right. He was being a jerk.
Come dinner time Winry had locked herself in her room now and wouldn't come down. And so the three were left to eat quietly. Ed didn't really eat anything. Just pushed his food around his plate.
"Edward?" Granny asked in concern.
"I'm not hungry." He said as he got up and headed outside.
Al looked over to granny as the door shut.
"This is getting out of hand."
"There's nothing we can do. They have to figure it out themselves."
"But they're so stubborn. I don't think they'll ever talk."
That's when he heard a step creak and they both turned to see Winry coming down the steps.
"Decided to eat with us?" Granny asked as she looked to her.
"I was going to take it to my room." She went silent a moment before moving over to the stove.
"Winry?" Al asked cautiously. "Why don't you talk to brother? He's been so upset since that fight you guys had." His voice was so sincere as he said that. The way he always was. His heart was big and he cared about everyone. Even his enemies. Winry knew that was a part of him that would never change. She set the bowl she was holding down on the counter as she turned to Al.
"I want to know something Al. And it has to be the truth. You're not exactly the greatest at lieing."
He blushed and nodded. "Okay. What do you want to know?"
"Did you guys tell me the exact truth? Or are you leaving something out to protect me?"
Al looked at her and sighed as he sat back in his chair. "Everything I told you happened...happened. I didn't leave anything out. But brother told me some things. But I think it's better if you heard it from him. It's not my place. It's up to him to tell you. But he's hurting bad Winry. Physically and mentally. You've got to be careful with him. The slightest growl will push him away."
Now it was her turn to sigh as she leaned against the counter and crossed her arms.
"I know," Al started again, "that you get like that because you're afraid for us. That you just care about us and you get frustrated that we don't talk. But..." He was cut off by her.
"Men show things better by their actions, not words. When you want to talk...I'll be here for you."
She looked up at Al's confused expression.
"Hughes told me that one. I'll let him do the talking. If he want's to." She said as she pushed away from the counter and walked out the front door.
The sun was begining to set on the horizon. And a slight chill began to stir in the air. She rubbed her arms and cursed herself for not grabbing her coat. But talking things through with Ed was more important than being a little cold. And as she walked in her search for him, she wondered what Al had meant before she left. About Ed telling him something. Something only Ed himself should tell her. It worried her some. But knowing how Ed was, he probably wouldn't tell her anyway.
At last she found Ed ambling around the outskirts of the small woods they had played in as kids. 'God that was so long ago. She thought as she approached him. But all the things that happened since then mad it seem longer than it was.
Now she began to get nervous. Watching as Ed kicked a loose stone acrossed the ground. But at the same time he was holding his chest and sweat was beading on his forehead. 'He must be hurting again.' She thought to herself again.
"Ed?" She called out at last. Finally building up the nerve. She had expected him to jump. As he obviously hadn't noticed she was there. But instead he let his arms drop to his sides, not turning to her. "Ed?" She asked again. Almost feeling like he had been upset that she was there. But then she saw his right arm go up to his face. Rubbing at it. She wasn't sure if he was crying or rubbing away the sweat. But either way it looked like he was trying to hide something from her.
At last he turned to her. His eyes were a little red and the sweat was gone from his forehead. 'He must have been doing both.' She thought.
"Hey Win." He said at last. Trying to put that goofy grin on his face but failing.
"Ed? Why do you feel like you have to hide things from me? I mean...we've known each other for so long."
"What do you mean?" He asked cautiously. Wondering if he was going to get yelled at.
"You were just crying...weren't you? The truth Ed."
He saw that look in her eyes. She wasn't mad. She was just really concerned. But it was still going to be hard for him to admit he was crying. So when he didn't answer she continued.
"I know you cry Ed. There's nothing wrong with it. I heard you talking to Al, when the whole Barry the Chopper thing was over. I heard what you said. I saw you cry. And I realized then how much pain you kept bottled inside. I couldn't help but cry myself."
"But you always cry." He said with a slight laugh.
"And like I said before. It's because you won't."
He just sighed and turned away from her again. He felt undeserving of her concern. Not with everything he had put her through over the years.
But he withdrew from his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head to look over his shoulder at her.
"Ed. We have to talk. Please?"
He closed his eyes with a sigh. But it almost sounded like a releved sigh. Like he actually wanted to get all this off his chest.
"Yea. Let's talk."
They started to walk silently along the path. Ed telling her his version of what happened in the underground city. It was then that Winry realized Rose had been leaving things out. To save her at least some of the pain.
"Shouldn't you have that looked at?" She asked at last. Pointing to his chest.
"It's fine." He said. "It'll heal."
By looking at him , she could tell there were still some things he wasn't telling her.
"Ed? Al told me...told me you told him something. Something that only you could tell me."
He halted in is tracks. Going immensly stiff.
"Ed?"
He didn't turn around. He didn't move. He didn't even mutter a sound. He just stood there.
Winry was starting to get a little scared by his actions. Ever so slowly she stepped closer to him.
"Ed? What is it?"
He tensed as she touched his shoulder. Almost as if it was poison.
"I can't." He said at last. "You'll hate me. And I'll lose you forever."
"What could be that bad that you'd fear that?" She asked with concern clearly evident in her voice.
"I can't."
"Ed. Please? Whatever it is it's hurting you. For once in your life let someone help you. Lift the weight from your shoulders."
At last he turned to her. His face as white as a sheet of paper. And his eyes. They looked like they held nothing but complete terror and fear in them. Now she knew for sure it was really bad.
Without a word he looked down to the sleeve of his left arm. Slowly he pulled it up and turned his arm to show it's underside. She gasped at what she saw. There were scars raking up and down his arm. And they looked like the cuts had been deep. One of them even crossing his wrist. She knew what this was. And it made her heart spasm.
"I wasn't brave enough to use a gun. And besides, I wanted to feel death creeping towards me. It's kind of funny. I died once and lost my fear of it. So I tried to attain it again."
"Funny?" She couldn't hold it in anymore. The anger and the pain. Anger that he would make such a stupid choice. So after he stopped talking, she raised her hand and slapped him. Hard. A dazed look crossed his face as he put a hand to his face.
"How could you be so stupid?"
"See. I told you you'd hate me."
She softened her expression and let the fire in her eyes die away. She raised her hand again and he winced as he waited for another blow. It never came. Instead he felt his hand moved away from the red mark on his cheek and another hand replacing it. Winry's hand. She caressed his cheek gently.
"I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I just want to know what could drive you to this. Why would you cut yourself? Why would you so readilly choose death?"
"I just...couldn't take it anymore. Remembering what I'd done. What I did to my brother. I forced him into that metal hell. I just couldn't take it anymore. Then, well the whole time we were traveling, I was doing something Al never even picked up on. I'm sure he knew something was up. But not what it was."
"What?"
He stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. Holding it out to her. She looked at it suspiciously.
"I'm sure you know what that is. And I just...I had to tell someone what was going on."
She looked at him for a moment before taking it and opening the envelope. Indeed she knew what it was. The powdery substance.
"Ed?" She looked up at him. "You're taking morphine?" The look of utter fear streatched acrossed her face.
"I only started it till I could get used to the pain in my joints from the automail."
"So...you've been taking this since you were twelve? How did you get this?"
"I...I stole it. Because I knew they wouldn't give it to a kid."
"Yea! For obvious reasons! It could have killed you!"
Unshed tears now brimmed in her eyes.
"I should have noticed. We use it here for the paitients. I should have seen the signs. I could have stopped you before you were addicted so badly." She dropped her head.
"Don't Winry. You sound like you're blaming yourself for this. We didn't even come home for four years. I was good at hiding it by then."
"I just...didn't think you were hurting this badly." She crumpled the paper in her hand. "You're not doing this anymore Ed. I'm getting you off this. But it's gonna be hard. You've been addicted so long that you're gonna get really sick from the withdrawl. But we have to do this."
He stepped closer to her and took her hands. "I trust you with my life." He said. Causing her to look up and smile at him. The first one he'd seen from her since they returned. Then he pulled her into a hug. He needed her right now. Because he was about to face a long painful road.
The Next Day
Ed woke in a rather irritable mood the next day. Which was to be expected. He was fidgity and shaky. Al watched as his brother would get up, walk around the kitchen a couple times, and then sit back down. He was a little frightened by this action.
But not as much as he had been the night before. When Ed admitted to him and granny what he was doing. He was scared and pissed. He had walked up to Ed and slugged him. Sending him to the floor. And then went to bed.
And he could see this morning that he bore the after effects of it. In the form of a black and blue bruise under his left eye. And his eye seemed to twitch everytime he looked at his brother.
And so the day went on this way. Ed getting worse as it streatched along. Until that night. Al was awoken from his sleep by his brother's screaming. He turned his head to look to his brother's bed. Ed had pushed himself up and was shuffled against the bedboard. Pointing and saying the gate was there. Al turned and only saw darkness. He knew what was going on now. Ed was halucinating. And he had broken into a cold sweat. He looked absolutly terrified.
Al jumped out of bed and tried to calm him down but Ed just kept yelling. Then there was a bark at the door and Al could hear Den scratching at it. Next came the pounding footsteps that told him Winry and granny were coming. And soon they were in the room trying to hold Ed down. He was thrashing all over the bed now. Screaming.
"No! They're trying to take me back! Don't touch me! I don't want to go back through the gate!"
"He thinks we're the black creatures at the gate!" Al said as he dodged Ed's automail fist. Finally he got a hold of his arm and held it down.
"What do we do? Al pleaded.
"There's nothing we can do." Granny said. "We have to wait for it to come out of his system. Then he'll calm down."
"Out of his system?" Al asked.
Winry looked to him with a pained expression. "Soon he'll go into a violent fit of convulsions. Then he'll start throwing up. This may even go on for a couple days. Depending on how much he actually took at a time. And by the looks of it it was a lot." Al just stared at her. Fearing the days to come.
By early morning Ed had fallen asleep. Exausted from fighting and screaming all night. But it was far from over. Granny expected the convulsions to begin that night. And they did. Ed freaked as his muscles involuntarilly twisted violently. Al just sat on his bed and watched in fear. Winry had crawled onto the bed and was holding him. He had wrapped his arms around her, afraid to let go. Winry was trying not to cry. She was just as terrified as Al. But she had to be strong for both of them. Especially Ed. His words had been echoing through her head the entire time.
'I trust you with my life.'
And so she wanted to make sure she was here for every second of this. To help him through it.
It was early morning again when Ed gave a tug on her shirt. The sun had yet to rise.
"Ed? What is it?"
Al woke as he heard her speak.
"Gonna...be sick."
She was quick to get him up and they both helped him to the bathroom where he ran for the toilet and vomited violently. He was gripping the bowl till his knuckles were white. He kept heaving as the poison began to extricate itself from his body. It was both a releaving and terrifying thing all at once. While it was the final purging of the morphine from his system, it was still hard to watch. When at last he had stopped throwing up he fell limp. Landing on Winry's lap. She had taken a place beside him to try and help him through. And he would need that comfort. For there was much more to come.
It wasn't long after that he was hung over the toilet bowl again. Winry had a hold of his shoulders and was talking to him gently. To Al it sounded like a mother sootheing her child. This was the true Winry at work. Sure if you pissed her off you got screamed at or in Ed's case you got a wrench to the head. It was her way of showing her frustration at the two of them. But she never meant it. She had a big heart and she was just worried about them. As she was showing that side to Ed now.
As Al watched it seemed that Ed's vomiting had settled for the time being. But he had been wrong. For moments later he was at it again. And now it was more violent then the first two times. He seemed to convulse with every heave and even Winry had a worried look on her face. Al couldn't take seeing his brother like this any longer and left the bathroom. Winry turned her head to watch him leave. She could understand that he must really be afraid right now. And when all was said and done she'd talk to him. But right now Ed was the one that needed her.
Al had curled up outside the bathroom door. He was huddled against the wall with his hands over his ears. He couldn't stand hearing his brother like that. He had never heard a sound anything like it in his life. And it scared him. But he refused to leave his brothers side. Even if he was on the other side of the door. He was still there. And he would stay right outside the door till everything had subsided.
Al looked up as he heard the bathroom door open. He had fallen asleep there and now the morning light illuminated the hall. Small streams coming out of the bathroom and almost making Winry look like she was glowing. Ed had told him that he always loved when the sun did that. Whenever he'd see Winry walk through the beams. It always made her look like an angel. And that thought made Al smile.
"Hey Al?" Winry asked in a whisper.
"Is it over?"
"Yea. He's asleep now. Could you help me get him into bed?"
"Sure." He got up and followed her. There he found Ed curled up on the floor, using towels for a blanket and pillow.
Al and Winry slowly lifted him up so as not to wake him. He moaned a little but didn't wake. So they carefully got him to his bed and layed him down. He was still sweating a bit but that was to be expected. After Winry pulled the blanket over him she turned to Al.
"Let's go downstairs and let him rest. I wanna talk to you anyway."
"O...okay." He stuttered. A little un-certain.
When they got downstairs they found a note from granny saying she had gone into town and would be back in a bit. But she had made them breakfast before she left so they dug in while they talked.
"You okay Al? I mean...all this with your brother must be scaring you."
"Yea. Will he be alright now?"
"Yea. The worst should be over. He should be the old Ed pretty soon."
Al looked down at his eggs. Thinking. Then he looked back to Winry. "Winry? Can I ask you a question?"
"Huh? Sure. What is it?"
"You love brother? Don't you?"
She stopped eating and gave him a bewildered look. "Where did that come from all of a sudden?"
"Just a question. You two have always been so close."
She sighed and looked down. "Yea. I do. But I don't think he does."
"How do you know that? Have you talked to him?"
"No. He'd never admit it Al."
"Things were different before. We had so much to do. And he was just trying to protect you."
"I know how he thinks. And so do you. He thinks with all he's done he doesn't deserve to be happy. But he's wrong."
"Talk to him Winry. Please? It would do both of you some good. Even if it is something you don't want to hear. At least you'll know."
"Yea. But I'd rather it be something I want to hear."
They spent the rest of their meal in silence after that.
Evening came and Ed was still asleep upstairs. Supper had come and gone. Granny had gone to bed and a short while after that Al fell asleep on the couch. That left Winry alone. She was in the kitchen sitting at the table doing inventory of the parts she would have to order soon. Den hobbled over and whimpered softly. Wanting attention.
"Hey boy." Winry said quietly as she reached out and scratched the dog behind the ear. Den wagged his tail as he sat down. Winry smiled gently. Den was getting up there in years but was as active as ever. She always used to say that the world would have to end before Den or even granny gave up the ghost. She shook a little at the thought. If only it were true.
Then she heard a creak and Den perked up and looked to the stairs. Winry looked up and saw Ed slowly coming down the stairs. Den got up and headed over to him. Tail still wagging.
"What's up Den?" Ed asked. His voice still sounding very weak. Den whimpered as if he were worried about him. "I'm okay boy. Don't worry." He said as he scratched Den under the chin. Then he slowly made his way over to the table. Den following. He slowly sat down and Den layed his head on his leg. Ed smiled and started to pet him.
"Hey Win?"
"Yea?"
"I just want to thank you. For everything. It's been a long week."
"Don't worry about it. I'd do anything for you guy's. You know that."
"Yea. I know. I just...I don't feel like I say it enough."
"But I know you think it. We've known each other since before we could remember. I know how you think."
She looked down at her papers. Glancing at all the numbers and part names before speaking again. But she didn't look up. "Ed?"
"Hm?"
"Are you going to stay now? Or leave again? I mean, you finished what you were out to do."
"Well part of it. But I don't care anymore if I have these limbs the rest of my life. You made them for me after all. All that matters is that Al has his body back now. That's what I really wanted to do. So there's nothing left for me to do. Except maybe to quit the military. I never did think of what I would do for work after this. I might re-build the house. Do a few odd jobs here and there till I figure things out."
"So...you're staying then?" She asked as she looked up. He looked right into those blue eyes of hers. The eyes he always hated to look away from. Or see tears fall from.
"I'm not going anywhere. I know how bad you've missed us. I won't let you feel that way again."
She smiled brightly. She wouldn't have to worry about them anymore. But there was still the matter sha and Al had discussed earlier. But before she could open her mouth to say anything, Ed was speaking again.
"Can I talk to you about something Win?"
"Sure. Anything."
He had stopped petting the dog and Den lazzily walked to the back room to sleep. Ed sighed deeply as he tried to figure out what to say.
"Ed?"
He was looking at his hand's. Nervously rubbing them together. "I...we've been friends for a long time. Although I could never understand how you could still be there waiting with all the crap I put you through." He stopped again as he tried to run through the word's he wanted to say in his head.
"I just wanted you to know that when I always came back here for repairs and stuff that it meant more to me than just repairs. Even if it didn't look like it with the hurry I was always in."
"You had thing's to do Ed. I understood that."
"But I just want you to know how much I wanted to fight off leaving. To stay here a little longer."
"I know Ed. And I know you never intentionally wanted to hurt me."
"I know. But I still did and I'm sorry for that. But you don't know how much I wanted to tell you how I trully felt. That...that I love you."
He rubbed his hand's together even more now.
She looked at him. Her jaw dropped slightly. 'I didn't think he felt the same way.' She thought to herself. It was true that those were word's she never thought she'd hear coming from his mouth. But she was glad to hear them. Glad she wasn't the only one feeling this way.
"You...really love me?" She questioned slowly. Almost wondering if she dreaming right now. He nodded slightly.
"I wanted to tell you sooner. But there was just so much going on and I was in so much trouble at the time. I didn't want to put you in any danger."
"Thank you. For doing what you could to protect me. But you don't need to do that anymore. You can just be plain Ed again. You are allowd a happy life whether you believe it or not." She reached her hand acrossed the table to set atop his which he had still been nervously rubbing together. He stopped at her touch.
"I love you Ed. I always have. And I will always be here for you."
Ed just stared at her before slowly getting up and walking around the table, kneeling in front of her and taking her hand. "I'll never leave again. And I will not break this promise." He smiled up at her and she smiled back. Both their cheeks were extremely red. Then he took on a more serious expression. He swallowed hard. "I know we're still too young but, when we're old enough to, will you marry me?"
Now she looked with an even more shocked expression then before. 'He proposed? I really wasn't expecting that.' Then she slid off the chair and knelt on the floor before him. "Of course I will. I love you."
He smiled again and they shared their first deep kiss.
Al smiled from his spot on the couch. He had been awake the whole time. And had heard everything. 'About damn time.' He thought to himself. And that's when he knew for sure that everything was going to be all right.
A/N
Well I hoped you liked it. I know I seem to write a lot of these like this with poor Ed suffering. But with all he had happen you had to know that he would be hurting enough inside to do things like this. Anyone would. Well anyway please review. I like to know what others think and if I need to improve. Arigato.