Tobias tries to deal with the death of Rachel, even though they've beaten the Yeerks and Jake and Marco are preparing to rescue Ax. One shot

Rated: T

Genre: Tragedy/Angst/Romance

A few stuff I might make up that probably aren't in the book, but just read it

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I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. My Rachel, the strong one in our group, the only one I had ever loved, was gone from my life. She was gone from us all forever, a casualty in this war

As I soared on the thermals, my thought went back to her. Every flap that I made, her face loomed in my mind

(I'm so sorry, Rachel. Why did you go?) I asked myself

It was in the final stages of this war. Visser One building a new Yeerk Pool. Tom, Jake's older brother and high-ranking Controller, had gained the morphing power and turned against the Visser. The Andalites had come to help, though I felt it was reluctant that they did

My heart was breaking as I thought about Rachel. My small hawk heart, overwhelmed with the emotions of a human. I soared higher, until people were like fleas beneath me

We had our little arguments, but we always made up later with a kiss and a hug if I morphed. Every time we kissed, she sent shivers down my spine. She was warm to hold in my arms. And the times we were together as one as lovers, I felt like I truly did belong

But I'm a freak of alien technology. Human, hawk and Andalite, all in one. My own mother can't remember me and the only one left in my family is Ax, who's gone somewhere into space. My uncle and aunt, they never cared about me. Rachel did though; she was one of the few who cared. I was one of the few she actually cried in front of when she felt that the missions were too much or when she felt that she was becoming a blood-thirsty creature. Marco had always called her Xena, Warrior Princess as a joke. And I was there to comfort her, listen to her problems and offer a helping hand

But the pain of losing her was too much. Already I could feel the hawk brain coming up to take control. I wanted only to slip back, slide away into the hawk mind and let the hawk rule. The human Tobias wanted to disappear. The hawk Tobias wanted to fly and hunt

When I first killed a mouse after becoming trapped in morph, Rachel was the first person I went to. I had no choice but to kill to survive. She was my strength, my light, the one to help me get back onto my feet. And when I got my morphing powers back and able to morph into my human self, she would sometimes suggest that I become a human permanently. But I couldn't. I didn't want to go back as a human. I loved my life as a hawk, flying and soaring. But then I see the hurt in her eyes and I would feel terrible about it

I could see my meadow in the distance. I folded my wings and dived, feeling the thrill of it. But the thrill had died, along with her. I had loved flying with Rachel. But now she was gone, what fun was there to be had?

My thoughts went back to her as she laid on her deathbed. She had forgiven Jake for his decision to send her after Tom. He wasn't sure, but Rachel kept saying he was forgiven. Marco was next. She smiled and had a small chuckle when she reminded him about their little fights and told him he was invaluable with his jokes and his brilliant military mind. Ax was in human morph, but Rachel told him to demorph. When she told him that despite his strangeness that he had, he was excellent to have in battle. Without him, they would have been lost years ago in the war

Cassie, as her best friend came next after Ax. They embraced, two long-life friends who had known each other since they were kids. Rachel gave Cassie a kiss on her forehead and told her that she was her greatest friend to have, caring and supportive, already there for her crazy little missions they had together. When they parted, I stepped forward in human morph. I saw the love she had for me and the pain of her suffering in her eyes

I bent down and wrapped my arms around her. She kissed my neck and I kissed her cheek. She whispered in my ear that she didn't have long to live. I held back tears, but Rachel told me not to worry anymore and that we'll see each other again. And as a final between us lovers, she told me to give her a last kiss. I pressed my lips to hers, my hands on her shoulders and we shared our last kiss. When I pulled away after a minute, she thanks me and closed her eyes. I couldn't take it. I left and heard Marco call out after me, but Cassie told him to leave me be

I demorphed, spread my wings and took to the air, leaving the human Tobias behind

I reached my meadow, but overshot my hangout and crashed on the grass. I lost a few feathers and felt something break, but I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore. My Rachel, my love of my life, someone I had known for three years, was now gone. I wanted to be with her, maybe raise a family with her after the war. But it become too much and now she's gone. I would never see those sparkling blue eyes or that long, flowing, blonde hair, her warm lips and beautiful body again. But she did say we'd see each other again. And as I laid there, broken on the grass, I wanted that day to come quickly. I wanted it now. I couldn't bear the thought of living out my life without her. I felt my feathers melt into flesh, as I grew bigger and bigger. My beak formed into lips and I pushed myself off the ground as a human. I stumbled across the meadow, tears filling my eyes. I fell to my knees and looked to the sky, watching the clouds float by

"RACHEL!" I screamed, my heart breaking forever

I lowered my head and let the tears fall. Nearly two hours later, I demorphed and lost myself within the hawk, loosing the human Tobias in me, oblivious to the though-speak calls of Marco and Cassie as they searched for me. I didn't care anymore. But a week later, I was perched in my tree, my all-powerful eyes scanning the meadow for signs of movement

(Hello)

I jumped and looked around to see an osprey seated next to me. Marco

(What?) I asked glumly

(I'm here to get you. You need some timeout from yourself)

(Why do you need me?)

I looked away as Rachel haunted my mind

(Jake and I need you. We're going to rescue Ax. He's lost somewhere in Kelbrid space and, well…)

Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill. My uncle, despite being an Andalite and I being a hawk or human. The last member of my family who actually knew me. I had fought along his side, fighting to avenge the death of Elfangor, his brother and the father I never knew

(Come on, Ax is your uncle. We need you with us)

I wanted to go and help, but I couldn't. I just couldn't

(Marco, I can't. I'm lost inside of myself)

(Tobias man, I understand what you're going through. I miss Rachel too, but we have to move on. Ax needs us desperately)

I gave up reluctantly

(Very well)

I followed him to the Yeerk ship. Jake was already there, along with two other people

(That's Sergent Santorelli and the French hotty is Jeanne Gerard. They're coming with us)

He landed and demorphed, but I circled overhead. I didn't want to morph to human; otherwise the thoughts of Rachel would be too much for me. But I had no choice. I landed and I morphed. The French woman came over and held out her hand

"You must be Tobias"

"Leave him be," Jake said gently, "he's been in a rough time"

(When can we go?) I asked Jake privately

"Let's go," he said

We all got onto the ship. I was the last one, but as I got onto the ship, I looked to the sky for perhaps the last time. And I thought I seen something twinkle at me, but it could have been my imagination. I gave a small smile and shook my head

"One day, Rachel, you and I, we will be reunited. I promise you that"

And with that said, I climbed onto the ship, as the hatch closed and we were launched into space to save Ax

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