Strawberry Gashes

Well this is my first -Man fanfic so it's going to be a bit sketchy on some of the characters personalities *coughKandas'coughcough* so be gentle with the flames and criticism. I'm not very far in the series so my information will be OFF! I do know though that Allen is in the process of becoming a Noah, but I dunno if I'm going to imply that in my fanfic or not.

**Warning** the rating is M mainly for later yaoi-ish chapters but mainly rated for suicide attempts, cutting and dark thoughts. I haven't done a fanfic in a while so I am a bit rusty. **Warning**

Most of the fanfic is in Allen's POV.

All rights go to Katsura Hoshino, I do not own anything.

Chapter One- Turn Him Over

I lay there starring up at the ceiling of my room here at The Black Order with nothing much to do since the Millennium Earl and the Noah Family went off the radar. There weren't even Akuma showing up much for us to go after so everyone was just hanging around. When the occurrences first slowed down my master General Cross had come back and whisked me away for more training. We weren't gone for more than a month when Road Kamelot and Tyki Mikk ambushed us with some level three Akuma's. Needless to say we were overwhelmed by their attack and when I was knocked to near unconsciousness I had no choice but to lie there and watch as my master was killed in front of me. Darkness had soon overcome me after that and I didn't wake until three days later back in The Black Order's infirmary. That was four months ago and each day it is harder put up this fake smile especially when I have to reassure everyone that I am alright. I am brought back to the world when a loud knock resonates from my door and I sit up starring at the area with blank eyes.

"Allen? I know you're in there come on its time for dinner and everyone is anxious to go." I hear Lenalee's kind voice say after knocking one more time. Mustering up the courage I finally put on that fake smile.

"Sure, go on ahead I'll meet you there." I say as cheerfully as I could, but I don't hear her walk away and that makes me a bit worried.

"Just take your time Kanda and I will wait out here for you." She said happily once more and I trip over my feet upon hearing Kanda's name. I stare at the door for a while before I dashing around my room hurriedly to change out of the pajama's I had been wearing all day. I soon find myself standing inside my bathroom starring at the reflection of myself after peeling the shirt from me. My fake smile immediately leaves me my stare stuck on the red scares that lined up my arms. Finally tearing my gaze from the mirror I hurriedly pull on the black long sleeved cotton shirt hooking my thumbs through the wholes I created to ensure the sleeves stayed down. Next I changed into a pair of plain Jane black jeans and threw on a pair of black tennis shoes before walking out of my room to see that Lenalee had down what she said; her and Kanda stood across the hall quietly waiting on me to get changed.

"You two could have just gone without me you know!" I whined as playfully as I could. I was hoping they would have gone without me so I didn't have to meet up with them. I wasn't hungry, then again I wasn't really hungry ever.

"If we went without you then you wouldn't know where to go silly. Kanda, Lavi, myself and you are all going out to town to eat." She smiled walking over to me and I swore my face paled to a few shades lighter just then.

"Sounds like fun Lenalee…lead the way!" I smiled and sure enough she grabs onto one of my hands and onto one of Kanda's and begins dragging us towards the entrance of the order. I always wander how I get myself into these things. I just wanted everyone to forget about me so I could stay in my room and eventually fall into that everlasting sleep. I could feel cold eyes upon me and I was afraid to look, I already knew it was Kanda and I feared to look into his hateful gaze.

"So…uh, where exactly are we going Lenalee?" I ask slowly beginning to get annoyed of her dragging us along even after we joined up with Lavi.

"We're going to that new club that just opened. It should be fun!" She giggled finally releasing Kanda and my hand to latch onto Lavi's arm. I felt my feet slowly come to a stop every fiber within me screaming to turn and run back to my room, my safe haven. The chance never came when Kanda's hand pressed firmly into the middle of my shoulder blades pushing me along his shoulder pressed against mine.

"Stop stalling Moyashi, by the looks of thing the both of us will be suffering through this." His cold voice sent chills down my spine and a slightly relaxed. Even though this guy next to me could be a complete jackass at times I couldn't help but feel calm around him. It had been a while since I did hear his voice and truthfully; I really missed hearing it.

"Once again Bakanda my name is Allen not Moyashi!" I hear myself snap almost playfully and I could see the small smirk on his face from the corners of my eyes. We soon caught up to the chatter box couple and Kanda's hand disappeared from my back and the wave of anxiety came flooding back but my feet kept walking with the thought of Kanda next to me in mind.

"WE'RE HERE! Remember everyone this is a club so we are bound to get separated alright? Komui wants us home before four in the morning at least. So try for us to all meet back out here at midnight, if you wish to stay longer don't meet up." Lenalee explained before her and Lavi rushed in. I was just thinking of running off right then and there but pushed myself forward and walked into the loud building hands stuffed into my pant pockets looking around at all the people. Even before my whole personality did a 180 I never really enjoyed places like these and couldn't understand how anyone could. There was no surprise that when I reached an empty bar chair I was by myself ordering a bottle of water leaning against the rail of the bar starring at people. Most were lounging around with their partners making out or doing something indecent. Then some of the normal people were out on the dance floor dance to the fast paced music. Strobe lights were going off rapidly and glitter poured down on the dancing people.

"Hey there sweet thing, looking for a good time?" I jumped looking to where the voice came from to see a woman standing there. I wandered how someone could where such revealing clothes.

"I'm sorry I'm not interested thank you." I said nervously stepping away from the woman grabbing my unwanted bottle of water before heading down to the dance floor. I soon found myself lost in the music which had become a much slower song. Glitter still poured down from the ceiling above and I closed my eyes beginning to sway to the beat. I had slipped the water into my pocket and I was soon lost in my own world. I thought back to General Cross and how much I missed the man who was the only father figure I had after Mana died. I opened my eyes when fire sprinklers turned on ignoring the cheers that came from some of the people. It was good timing as I felt tears spill over my lids. My body soon came to a stop and I only starred up above me water dancing around me.

"Idiot get out of here!"

His voice rang through my head the last thing I had heard him say before I was thrown through trees by Tyki. Clenching my teeth I began pushing my way through the dancing the crowd my sights on the exit. I knew none of them would know I had left and I knew they wouldn't care. The moment I reached the exit I threw away the bottle of water and made a run for it.

"Look at you Allen. This is pathetic really. You're being no fun at all. Too bad you just stay there and watch as we finish off your precious master."

Roads words stung deep into my heart as I stumbled over my feet barely catching myself with the wall. I fought the sobs that tried to tear through my throat and I pushed on back towards the Order.

"Listen to me Allen no matter what happens…don't blame yourself for this. Stay strong and kill these bastards the next time you see them."

The final words before Tyki had run his hand through my masters chest. The scream I had let out then erupted from me as I collapsed to the ground once I entered the forest close to the order. I stayed there for a few moments longer letting myself slowly calm down replacing any fallen bricks from my wall fixing the mask I made sure to build perfectly. I let my mind become blank and I returned to my dark room. I kept the lights off the only light was from the moon and it was enough for me especially for the tiny window in my bathroom which was placed perfectly by the tub. I felt myself mechanically turn the water on hot slowly beginning to fill it. I pulled my shirt from body letting it drop to the floor more tears dripping from my eyes. My pants and boxers were the next thing I removed I don't remember when I had removed my shoes and socks but they were in the other room.

"I know you can hear me Allen so listen up. You're nothing, pathetic, worthless. When it comes to it don't even think of fighting us you'll only loose another precious person to you."

Tyki's words had stung the worst and they ring loudly in my head as I slip myself into the now filled tub of hot water. The sting from the hotness no longer bothered me and a lip down until my head rested on the edge and my arms dangled over the edge. After a moment I sit myself up lifting the little razor from the attached soap holder. His words sound like they bounced off the walls from all around me. On both arms I make an incision width wise only deep enough for blood to seep out steadily but not enough where it'd bleed too much. I place the razor back onto the soap dish and hang my arms once again over the tub edges. Slowly the hurtful voices begin to fade and begin to slip under the water ignoring my bleeding arms fell in with me. The dull thud of my door being knocked on could be heard and I only ignore it. I want to still pretend to still be at the club. I don't know how long I had been here but it was probably a little after midnight. I sit up in the tub and look into the now red pool.

"Allen?" I hear your deep voice and its alien to me. You sound so worried. "I know you're hear I saw you run out of the club. I'm not good with words but you can talk to me. Everyone here at the order knows how much General Cross meant to you." You continue and I find myself covering my ears and drawing my knees up. You're not allowed to be nice to me, you never were before. Yu Kanda hates Allen Walker. It has to stay like that or everything I have built up will come crumbling down.

"I'm coming in Moyashi." At that moment I feel a pulse of panic course through me and I rush to start to drain the tub.

"NO!" I hear myself scream once I hear the click of my door open. I had to f been careless in my actions. Everything was spinning after my head had connected with the tile floor of the bathroom. I hear you screaming at me but I can't make out the words even as you wrap me in a towel. Even the hallway lights are blurry and all I can do is focus on your too perfect face and my world fades to black once you hand me over to Komui. Why do I feel like my freedom has been cut?

There you go the first chapter. I know, I know I probably did horribly. Like I said it has been a LONG time since I last wrote a fanfic let alone updated any of my other ones. Tell me what you think ^_^