Beam Us Down, Scotty! Part One

"Beam us down, Scotty!" Kirk yelled down the communicator.

"Er…Captain, I'm right here." said Scotty, a little worriedly.

"Yes but it, it gives more effect if I say it into the communicator." Kirk explained.

"Ah." Scotty replied through his end.

"That's the spirit Scotty, that's the spirit. Now, if you please, beam us down."

There was a whirring sound as the landing party arrived on the planet.

Spock took a step backwards and accidentally knocked over a fake plant. He hurriedly sidestepped away from it.

"Look at that spectacular view McCoy!" Kirk said majestically, admiring a painted board.

"Yes, it's really quite stunning!" said McCoy, nodding in agreement "Have they changed our artist?"

"Illogical." blurted out Spock. "That painting in question was used in last week's episode."

Before McCoy could retort snappily, a redshirt tripped over a fake weed and consequently died.

"There goes Ensign Hemmingway." said Kirk with a sigh.

McCoy bent over the body. "He's still alive, Jim!" he said excitedly.

"Look!" said Kirk, pointing skywards. "A Klingon!"

"Hey Jim, I didn't know Klingons could fly!" said McCoy, squinting into the distance.

"They can't." said Kirk simply as he crunched his boot with all his might into Ensign Hemmingway's face. (You wondered what those high heels were for? Well now you know.)

McCoy, on hearing a loud crack, spun around and bent, once again, over the Ensign.

"He's dead this time, Jim."

Kirk smirked.

"Captain, I believe that I am picking up readings of life forms on my tricorder."

"Where from, Spock?"

"Over there, I believe."

"Don't you mean over there?" Kirk muttered menacingly under his breath.

"I don't think so Captain, I…"

Kirk seized Spock by the shoulder and led him to one side.

"Over there is off set!" he muttered, every now and then shooting furtive glances at the camera.

"Over there, on the other hand, is where the Klingons are lying in wait."

"Well that is precisely why I do not wish to proceed in that direction." said Spock condescendingly.

"Don't blame me, it's on the script!" Kirk snapped back.

He sighed and strode forwards again, just as Ensign Peters fell down a large pothole. Ignoring this, Kirk turned to face his crew.

"He's…well the truth is I can't quite tell whether he's dead or alive as I can't, er, see him… Jim." McCoy added hastily.

"Never mind that." said Kirk commandingly. " unfortunately made a slight mistake with his tricorder readings. The Kling-I mean-life forms are over there not there. Now I want three redshirts to go over there and die-investigate."

The redshirts obeyed. Suddenly, on their way to the bush, one stopped. He turned around.

"Now look here, Kirk, we know what you're playing at!" he began hotly. "You send so many redshirts off to die each day, I suppose you probably enjoy it!"

Kirk's face turned stony. "I always take losing a man badly." he said gravely. "Now go on, go on," he added in a lighter tone "find those Klingons!"

The redshirt shook his head in disbelief and followed his fellows.

"Erm…Jim…" began McCoy surreptitiously "You weren't s'posed to know that there were Klingons there…"

Kirk opened and closed his mouth, lost for words. Just then, Ensign Smith glowed blue and disappeared as a Klingon pointed a fake gun at him.

The Klingon then turned on Spock… "AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!" he screamed.

"He's not dead Jim!" said McCoy. "Let's get him back to the ship where he will surely recover."