A/N: Before you read this, yes, I insult you in the story. I don't mean it; the story wouldn't work right without it. I hope you understand. That being said, I don't want to get "reviews" saying that I'm mean/insulting/etc. Because I'm not. Usually. ^&^
Disclaimer: I don't really know who does own Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but it ain't me.
You all know the story of Snow White. How she was bewitched to sleep as though dead until her true love kissed her for the first time. How she was kept by the dwarves in a glass coffin. How her prince came, when the first flowers of spring were blooming, and woke her. How the couple lived happily ever after in a shining palace.
Bullcrap.
None of that really happened. Sure, they'd like to have you think that, but how do you know that's what happened? You don't. So here I am, stuck telling you the truth of the matter, when I'd really rather be doing something more enjoyable – say, pierce my ears with a nail. But we don't get everything we want in life, now, do we? No, we don't.
But I digress.
What follows is the real story of Snow White. Most of what you think you know is true, so I'll start in the first week or so of spring, just a week before Prince Charming supposedly came to rescue his love.
Snow White was utterly bored. Here she was, stuck in a glass box, and no Prince in sight. She was sore, she was lonely, and she really had to go to the bathroom. She had been here since late fall, and had remained through the winter. Dang, that had been cold! Glass was not a good insulator, as she discovered. Sure, the dwarves had lit their fires when they came to visit, but the warmth was fleeting, and they never stayed through the night, when it was coldest.
She contemplated her decision to dramatically pretend to die. She wanted to know how Prince Charming kissed before she got into a relationship with him, so she concocted the story of the poisoned apple and its cure. She was beginning to think, though, that the theatrics had gone too far.
Screw this, Snow White thought one day when the dwarves came for their routine visit. She threw her eyes open, took a deep breath (that felt amazing; she had been breathing shallowly, so as to appear dead), and flung the lid of the coffin off, startling the poor dwarves. She took one more deep breath – daang, that felt good! - and swung her legs over the side of the coffin.
"S-Snow White?" one of the dwarves stuttered in astonishment. She thought it might have been Doc.
"So long, guys. Thanks for tryin' anyway."
The dwarves sighed. One of them – Dopey – piped up, "Can I talk now?"
Snow White smiled in spite of herself. "Yes, John, you can talk now."
Dopey – or rather, John – heaved a giant sigh of relief. "Finally!" he cried. "I thought I'd be stuck playing a mute forever!"
This elicited a raucous laugh from the dwarves. "Aah, it did ya good, Johnny!" said the one who had pretended to be Grumpy. A grin – long denied – lit his face. "You think you had it bad? At least you just had ta be quiet! Do you have any idea how hard it is to-"
"Yes, well," Snow White interrupted before the ribbing escalated. "Very good job, gentlemen." She started doling out healthy amounts of gold – produced from a hatch below the coffin - to each little man. "And some extra to spread the story."
"Yes, Princess," they chorused, eying the gold hungrily.
After the purse was empty, Snow White tossed it on the ground and hopped off the coffin. "Well, so long, fellas!" she called, waving, as she strode away.
The dwarves chorused their own farewells as the forest swallowed Snow White. The moment she was out of sight, they began complaining good-naturedly about the parts they had played for so long, all the while counting their gold and going back to their little house.
When Prince Charming came a week later, the dwarves told him that another Prince Charming had claimed Snow White's heart. Prince Charming merely shrugged and said, "Whatevs."
And that, my children, is how the story of Snow White really ended.
A/N: So was it too bad? And no, I don't hate the story of Snow White; I just thought that this would be an interesting twist.
Review please!