The X-Follies: Kit 'n' Kaboodle!
By Zero
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"Mulder...we've just received our toughest assignment, from the director herself." Scully strode into the office, taking a quick mental note of Mulder's new "I Want To Believe" poster (the words were written across Britney Spears' chest as opposed to a UFO).
"And...what would that be?", he asked, "ohhh, please tell me it's more aliens! Or another loony like the Rain King!" Mulder was bouncing up and down in his chair with excitement.
"No, actually, it's ah...it's a babysitting assignment."
"Babysitting?" Mulder quirked a brow, giving Scully one of those little looks that just drove her wild!
"Yes, the director's adopted sons...she always has to mention they're adopted, make it look like she's doing something good for society," Scully said, tossing him a file folder full of pictures, "they're ten and twelve years old. The older one is a runaway with a violent past, hasn't had a steady home for at least a year. He's part of some kind of black-market underground animal fighting gang called Pokemon League, and his goons still hang around the neighborhood. His name is Ash."
"With a name like that, no wonder he ran away," Mulder deadpanned.
"The younger one...is trouble. He was expelled from his elementary school for making Satanic references during the Pledge of Allegiance, has done hard time, has multiple counts of felony property damage against him, is a very experienced thief, knows how to drive and use firearms, and was permanently banned from the country of Australia by the Prime Minister himself."
"What's his name? Marilyn Manson?"
"Bart."
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"Ok, here are the emergency numbers…when you call 911, be sure to mention that these are my children…those people know who I am, and they'll get someone right over. Here's the restaurant where I'll be, here's my cell phone, email for the Palm Pilot, portable fax machine, CB radio, the frequency in the chip in my head, doctor's office, pizza, and Bart's dirty 900 numbers." The director pauses, mentally going down the list again. "Bart's DIRTY 900 NUMBERS?!! YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!"
"Aaaaah!!" Bart runs away as she threateningly waves a tazer.
"Now, Ash, you know the rules. No friends over, and NO Pokemon battles in the house! Your Charmander ruined the brand-new carpet I had put in."
"I understand, Mom." Ash gave her an angelic smile, tossing a Pokeball behind his back.
"Oh, you're such a good boy! Now I'll be back later, you make sure to listen extra-special-careful to Mulder and Scully."
"We're armed." Scully reached in her coat, giving Ash a flash of hot metal.
"Bye, honey!" The director left, calmly walking out to the door…then ran to the car and laid rubber!
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"Yo, Fox, is that your girlfriend?" Bart appeared behind Mulder.
"My name is Mulder."
"Yeah, whatever. So…is that your," he stepped closer, nudging Mulder's ribs, "wink-wink-nudge-nudge-hubba-hubba…you know?"
Mulder lets out a passionate and very Mulder-esque sigh, full of angst. "We are not romantically involved, no. But I do think about her sometimes…" his voice trails off, and the words Oscar Clip appear under the screen. "You know, Bart, one is the lonliest number. And without her to illuminate my truth, I am but one. This world gets lonely sometimes, and Scully is the only one that can save me from my own heart," he continued. By now, Bart was channel surfing. "I love that woman, and you would too if you ever saw her—
"AAAAH!!" Bart jumped up on Mulder's shoulders. "A POKEMON!!!"
"Vulpix!" The cute little fox tilted his head to the side, giving Mulder those big puppy eyes.
"Bart, that … thing's not gonna hurt you. It's just a little critter. Isn't that right, cutie," he cooed, reaching down to pet the Vulpix, "you're just a little sweetie, aren't you?"
"Kamehameha!! *erm* *ahem* … Vullpiiiiiiixx!!" The critter opened his mouth and spewed forth the fire of a thousand hells. Bart and Mulder were burned to a crisp. Satisfied, the cute little Vulpix ran back to Ash and hopped in the Pokeball.
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Meanwhile, in the kitchen…
"Ash, I thought your mother told you NO Pokemon in the house!"
"She said no battles."
"Whatever," Scully snapped, cooking up some hamburgers. "Do you want cheese on your burger? Does Bart?"
"Well…I want cheese, Bart doesn't like it…and Pikachu wants double cheese, please." He gave her that innocent little boy smile, knowing full well that Pikachu isn't allowed at the table.
"Who's…….Pikachu?"
"Pikaaaa!! Pikapika pi!" The most adorable Pikachu in the world waddled downstairs, smiling and patting his little tummy.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEK!!! MULDER!! Mulder! There's a mouse in the house!! Get the broom! Or the Raid! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD this thing is BIG!! Aaaaaiieeee!!" Scully jumped up on the table, pulling her skirt up. Bart clicked a nice little panty shot with his spy camera.
"Say cheese, Scully!"
"You little bastard!!" She drew her weapon, aiming it at his head!
"Pika pikachu!"
"Nooooo!! Don't let it get meeeeee!" She closed her eyes, randomly firing.
"Scully! Are you alright?!" Mulder ran in, and seeing what was happening, covered his mouth to hide his laughter. "*chuckle* … Scully, it's just a cute little mousey! Come here, mousey!" Mulder held out his arms for Pikachu. Riveted, Scully just stared (of course, she was still holding her skirt up, much to Ash and Bart's amusement).
"Pi ka pi ka…" Pikachu strutted up to Mulder, happily jumping in his arms. Mulder scratched his head.
"I think he likes you, Mulder," Ash said, "Yeah, he really likes you!"
"What tricks can he do?" Mulder asked, giving the little mouse puppy eyes and babbling to it in baby talk.
"Well, let him stand up in your arms…" Ash said, watching Mulder hold his arms out so Pikachu could balance. "And now say Thundershock…" Mulder happily nodded, ignoring Ash and Bart's chuckles.
"Come on, sweetie! Thundershock!" Mulder said, beaming.
"Sho-Ryu-Reppa! *ahem* *cough* er..Piiii kaaaaa chuuuuu!!" Mulder was illuminated! The electricity traveled through the whole house, creating a power surge! The scrambled TV channels unscrambled! Everyone got a nice X-Ray view of every bone in Mulder's body, and his Rainbow Brite boxers!
"Piiika!" Pikachu hopped down from Mulder's arms, running over and stealing a cheeseburger. "Yoink! *ahem* Pika!"
Bart and Ash slapped each other a high-five.
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"Well, Mulder, we survived dinner…"
"Barely…" Mulder said, "I wonder if those Poke-things are extraterrestrials."
"No, they're from Japan."
"Even worse." Mulder leaned back on the couch, still sore and, in some places, still burning. By now, Ash and Bart were watching TV, arguing over whether to watch Itchy & Scratchy or Tenchi Muyo. Suddenly, a wild wind blew in through the open window.
"Prepare for trouble!", said a voice outside.
"Make it double!", echoed a second voice.
"Triple.", the third voice said plainly. Ash and Bart ran to the window.
"To protect the world from devastation! – To unite all peoples within our nation! – To denounce the evils of truth and love! – And Rocketshippers! – Huh? – To extend our reach to the stars above! – Frohike! – Langley! – The Rocket Gunmen blast off at the speed of light! – Byers! That's right!"
"WHAT THE … ?!" Mulder jumped out of his seat, running outside. "What are you guys doing here? We're trying to have a perfectly normal episode of X-Follies, and you guys just barge on in like you own the place…"
"But Mulder!," Frohike exclaimed in wonder, apparently not noticing that he was wearing Jessie's costume, "This isn't the X-Follies! It's a wonderful art film called Being Team Rocket!" By now, Scully was outside with her hands on her hips and her Scully pout on her face.
"Come on, Frohike. You know as well as I do that Zero is too uncultured to write an art film."
"Oh, this is Zero's work," Byers huffed, tugging at his Meowth costume, "I shoulda guessed."
"Yeah, that explains why I'm dressed up as a girl," Frohike mumbled. "Ok, guys! Throw away the script!" He cleared his throat and reached into his pocket.
"Is that a Pokeball in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?", Ash said, reaching for his belt.
"Enough, pervert-child! We come to do battle and steal Pikachu!"
"I don't care how rare or precious this Pikachu is, I'm not giving him up!" Ash countered, flipping his hat around backwards.
"Oh, we don't give a shit how rare he is," Langley said, "We just need something to get Frohike's heart going again after he sees Agent Scully."
"Hey, asshole! Say that again and I'll go Super Saiyan on you!" Mulder ripped off his shirt, exposing a pretty little butterfly tattoo on his chest, and rushed Frohike. Bart tripped him and clicked a picture on his spy camera.
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And so they battled…
Ash's Squirtle made quick work of Langley's Butterfree, Ponyta, and Rattata. The trouble started when Langley busted out his secret weapon.
"Princess Sparkles, GO!!!" He tossed a Pokeball high into the air.
"Princess Sparkles…..?" The Pokeball opened to reveal a lean, mean Zapdos with a pink bow around her neck. "HOLY HELL!" Ash picked up Squirtle and RAN!
"No way, bro! Get 'er!" Bart stopped him, but was quickly pushed aside. Bart ran up to Ash and grabbed a Pokeball from his belt.
"Bart! What are you doing?"
"Just watch." He peeked in the Pokeball, nodded, and threw it! The Pokeball hit the Zapdos square in the forehead, and she dived down to chase it. "Ok, NOW!" Ash's Charmeleon popped out of the Pokeball in midair, freaked out, and grabbed the Zapdos' legs, pulling it to the ground with a thud.
"Wow, Bart!"
"Ok, Char-manhandler! Cosmic Fire Fart Blast!"
"Bart, that's not a real attack!" Ash whined.
"Oh yes it is." Bart chuckled as Charmeleon turned backwards and lifted his tail.
"Oh, Terrraaance!", the Charmeleon said in his best Canadian accent, "Pull my thumb!" The Zapdos obeyed, unleashing the fart to end all farts! "That one smelled like burning flesh! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
"Char-mandango, you're not supposed to talk," Bart hissed.
"Ok, enough child's play. It's time for Frohike!" Frohike stepped out, holding a Pokeball in each hand. He tossed the first ball. "Go Kakuna!"
"Kakuna?!" It was quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Suddenly, everyone in the front yard (except Frohike) exploded into hysterics, even the Pokemon in their Pokeballs. Frohike grabbed the Kakuna, took a few steps back, and punted him like a football! After an amazing ten seconds of hangtime, Kakuna came down hard on Ash and Charmeleon, knocking them both out cold! Frohike picked up the Kakuna again, bashing Bart upside the head with the hard shell, and he was down for the count.
"Mulder, did you see what he just did?" Scully's jaw dropped.
"It's up to us now."
"What…?"
Without another word, Mulder grabbed Ash's pokeballs…then reconsidered, turned to the house, and whistled. "Piiiiikachu! Here boy! I got some cheese!" Pikachu happily ran outside, and stopped short when he saw Ash.
"Pika pi? Pika piiii!!" Pikachu gave the Rocket Gunmen a look that could freeze hell, then pulled a small can from behind his back. "Piiika…", he said, waving the can (which was marked Whoop-Ass). Mulder, Scully, Frohike, Langley, and Byers rushed him, trying to get the can, but Pikachu drank it before they had the chance.
"He did it!" They all gasped in horror.
"Pika…." Pikachu stood tall…and grew even taller.
"Byers, is he evolving!?" Frohike backed up, panicking.
"How should I know?"
"Well, you're a Pokemon!"
"I'm not a real Pokemon, you moron!"
"PIKAAA…" By now, Pikachu was four feet tall, and still growing. He grabbed a conveniently located microphone. "Do you smell what THE ROCK is cookin'?!" He ran after the Rocket Gunmen, grabbing them from behind. He was fifteen feet tall!
"Shit!" The Gunmen struggled to get free, not noticing Mulder and Scully in hysterics below them.
"Pika pika CHU!!" Pikachu tossed them high into the air.
"Looks like the Rocket Gunmen are blasting off again……" Their voices trailed off. Pikachu, disco dancing with lightning coming from his fingertips, zapped each one of them. He misfired, zapping a transformer pole and shutting off power for as far as Mulder and Scully could see.
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"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, I am very disappointed. Your careless actions destroyed the FBI Director's home, harmed her children, and drove her to suicide! Do you have anything to say for yourselves?"
"Yes, AD Skinner, we do," Scully said calmly.
"IT WASN'T OUR FAULT!!!!", they cried, "IT WAS THOSE DAMN POKEMON MONSTERS FROM JAPAN!!"
"I swear to GOD," Mulder yelled, "it was all their fault! One blast of lightning from that stupid Prickachu shut off power for the whole state of Virginia! And that Charmanslaughter was the one that set her lawn on fire! We didn't do anything!"
"So…you're telling me…that those cute little Japanese monsters are capable of destroying a neighborhood, a city…or even the world?"
"Affirmative. And they're real scary, especially that mouse…eeeew!" Scully squirmed even thinking about it.
Skinner picked up the phone. "I'd like to speak to the President. Yes, national emergency." He looked up to Mulder and Scully…they were arguing over the Cliff's Notes to this episode, Scully was trying to explain to Mulder that it was *not* supposed to be an MSR… "Hello, Mr. President. AD Skinner, sir. Press the button, let's blow Japan outta the water."
"Mulder, nowhere in here does it say that this even has a remote chance of being an MSR!"
"Then just take your shirt off for fun, c'mon!"
Skinner rolled his eyes, turning his chair around. "And have the Secret Service kill Mulder and Scully, please?"
Fin.
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