Spy was tired. It had been a long day of sapping sentries and backstabbing the members of the RED team. Occasionally he'd had to shoot a few of them, but usually he was sneaky enough to get right up close and use his knife. There was no doubt about it; even the Heavy said he was a 'Credit to team.' He had definitely earned an evening of peace and solitude.
As soon as he was alone behind the locked door of his room he shrugged off his suit jacket and hung it on the closet. Luckily, his kills had been clean today and no one had gotten blood on his suit. He rolled up his shirtsleeves and sat down in his favorite armchair by the window to read for a while before dinner. He was tempted to take off his mask in an effort to get more comfortable, but discarded the idea after realizing he would just have to put it back on before he went downstairs for dinner.
He chose Lady Chatterley's Lover from his stack of books on the table next to him. He had to move Charlotte's Web and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy to get to it; he hadn't picked that one up for a while. In fact it had been awhile since he had acquired any new reading material, so he had read everything in the stack at least thrice. But he also knew where the best parts were in all the books.
He hadn't been reading for long, when a bit of movement caught his eye and brought him away from his story. That was strange, he had locked the door, and so no one should be in his room. Why did he spot motion across the rug in front of him? When he looked up from the page, he saw in front of him the cause of his distraction: a huge, black, hairy, spider.
The Spy looked at the offending arachnid in disgust and fear, noting how the hideous thing seemed to stare back at him, before screaming at the top of his lungs. He drew his feet up onto the chair with him, so the vicious thing couldn't attack him, and yelled ever louder. It was only mere seconds before there was a rattling at his door; someone had heard him and was trying to get in. In another minute, three grown men came crashing through the Spy's bedroom door, brandishing their weapons as the Spy continued to scream and point at the spider on his rug.
Once they saw that the Spy was relatively unharmed, the Sniper stowed his kukri, the Medic rolled his eyes and did the same with his bonesaw, and the Heavy lowered his fists. In his panic at his bedroom being invaded, not only by the arachnid but also his coworkers, the Spy leapt from his chair and stumbled about until he had successfully put as much distance between himself and the spider as possible by climbing atop the Heavy's head.
"Herr Spy, vhat are you doing?" questioned the Medic, "Und vhy are you perched on Herr Heavy's head like zhat?"
The Spy struggled to maintain his composure, "Spi-spi-spi-SPIDER!" he shouted as he pointed to the thing on his rug that still hadn't moved even through the entire ruckus. Spy could have sworn the thing was mocking him with its eight beady eyes.
"Sheesh, Spook," Sniper snorted, "If it's botherin' ya that bad Oi'll just squash it with moi boot for ya."
"Bushman, if you get dirt on my rug I will come down there and gut you like a Cornish game hen," the Spy retorted, suddenly much more concerned about his carpet than the spider currently occupying it, "But if you must, I suppose I can vacuum it later."
Medic was about fed up with the Spy's overly dramatic behavior. It took all his self control to keep from bring his saw back out and beating the Spy about the head with it. Of course, the Sniper's mocking wasn't helping the situation either, "Sniper, just squish zhe zhing so ve can get out of here und leave Princess Spy to his books…"
THUD.
"There," the Sniper voiced triumphantly, "got the little wanka."
"…Did you get it?" asked the Spy from his perch on the Heavy.
"Oi dunno," replied the Sniper, taking off his boot and holding it up to show the Spy, "Did I get 'im?"
"Get zhat filzhy zhing away from me!" the Spy shouted, falling from his spot on the Heavy and onto the floor. The Sniper, of course, couldn't let such a fortunate opportunity go to waste, and began to chase the Spy around the room with his boot. Eventually, the Spy made a beeline for the door, and the Sniper chased him out into the halls and through the base.
The Medic covered his face in embarrassment and sighed heavily. This was unacceptable.
"I live und vork vith eight of zhe biggest children on zhe planet… und I am zhe only adult around for miles. Lucky me."