CW: Self-harm, internalized homophobia, past child abuse, depression

Shawn was sitting in his bedroom staring at a box of throwaway razors. Shawn had been living in New York for a little over a year. He had moved to be with Cory and Topanga but they were both in college. They kept trying to convince him to go to back college but he promised them he would he just needed some time. Shawn bounced around new york doing odd things. Often hanging with cory and Topanga but there was a problem he had been squashing but couldn't seem to shake. The problem was Shawn had realized something the day of the wedding. Cory loves Topanga more than he loved Shawn. It also reminded him that he wasn't ever going to have that weddings and a future. And that killed Shawn inside. He was so much like his dad. He was always running and nobody ever wanted him once they had something better.

Looking at the razors he was brought back to the day a few days after he was living with Mr Turner. He had taken apart a razor and sliced up his thighs. He realised after a few months that he was acting like a stupid teenage girl and needed to stop. And he had only messed up a few times since then. But staring at the box the feeling to see blood was the on steroids. He lunged forward and broke apart the razor he had laid on the crumpled bedsheets in this shit apartment and carved into his stomach. He knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his wrists if he worked, so he decided on place only someone in a hospital or having sex with him would see. After a few minutes, he calmed down. He sat there a while, blood hot on his skin. He got up in a few and cleaned his stomach and sat with his hand pressed against a towel pressed against the cuts until the bleeding stopped. He realised if he was going to start doing this shit again he would have to buy some gauze and bandages or medical tape in case he went a little too deep and had to hide it at work.

He had been bouncing around jobs trying to find work writing or taking photos but he knew he probably wasn't trying hard enough. He flopped on the bed again. This was so pathetic. But he was pathetic. He had been so pathetic as a kid to be terrified of his father even though he had never beat him. It had been his yelling and waving his hands about. Banging the table. Throwing things. Chet had always made him feel stupid and crazy. He would have this way with words that somehow left you feeling like more dumb then he was. Which was impossible his father was an idiot. However, this thought was also sour in his mouth. He loved his father, even when he was drunk yelling at the tv. When he touched Shawn in ways he hated. When thoughts of him came up his brain always turned to mush. He was just as pathetic for being hurt by the way his mother was short and frustrating making him sad even though he tried to never show it, even if she wasn't really his mother. His real mother never cared to know him. All of this rushing around Shawn's head made his entire body shake. He stood up and paced about his one-room apartment. He kicked the wall and then collapsed in a heap. He was a fuck up. He had grown up being a dumb ass getting himself into stupid situations always dragging cory down with him. He hadn't been able to hang on to anything except cory and now he was losing him too.

The next day he got up and walked out of his house. He was currently waiting tables. It was a dumb job but he often worked triple shifts to pay for rent. His apartment building was shabby as hell and the elevator didn't work and there was no heat or cold. It was just as bad as the fucking stupid trailer park. He worked thru the day. He didn't or care to know his coworkers he knew in a few weeks he would miss too many days because he was too tired and lazy to get out of bed.

Walking around the restaurant thinking about when Cory and Topanga had shown up at his door a few days prior. They had burst through the door to find Shawn watching a rerun of some show.

"We're having a baby Shawnie!" Cory practically screamed.

"That's great!" Shawn said he jumped up. He was so happy for a split second. Then his heart had dropped. He was really obsolete now.

"Shaw it's going to be lovely. We have a room for the baby and it will be so cute!"

"I'm studying to be a teacher so I can teach them and their friends!" Cory said looking over the moon.

"That will be awesome cor," Shawn said pushing up all the positive energy he could muster.

"You can be uncle Shawn," Topanga said putting her arm around him. Looking him in the eyes. He knew she knew something was wrong.

"Thanks, Topanga," Shawn said sheepishly he was trying to hide how lost he felt but it was impossible.

"Let's go celebrate!" Cory had said.

The three of them got dinner. Topanga and Cory had talked about school, and how they should fix the house and all this life stuff.

Shawn came back to reality and finished working. He hiked back to his apartment. He sat down and slept restlessly.

It was the day of Riley's birth. He went in and did the whole hold the baby thing it was exhausting. He went outside and he freaked out his chest heaved his eyes went blurry his stomach tied in a knot. His eyes burned and he vaguely felt the cold wall on his back and his hands clutching each other. He came out of it exhausted and clammy. He wandered home and passed out on the bed.

Shawn fell asleep and he dreamt of he and cory sitting in the Mathews family kitchen, they talked about something unimportant. But then cory leaned across the table and kissed Shawn's lips. Softly and they sat there kissing. Then they went into Cory's room and they laid on the bed his head on Cory's shoulder there hands intertwined. Cory kissed his hair. He was excited but also safe. He was full of happy energy it was loving instead of terrified and jittery. There were no loud noises, no fighting and no Topanga.

He woke and his hands weren't sweaty, his heart wasn't pushing out of his chest. This was odd because he had been having nightmares most nights lately.

He knew it's because the dream was of him and cory. He'd been having these dreams since they were like 16. It varied in content but it always ended the same way. Cory and him holding hands feeling safe and excited and loved. Feeling good things was rare for Shawn. Especially now.

Shawn knew The whole family would be coming up tomorrow. To see the new Matthews. Everyone would be there. Oh god. He felt a rush of fear run through his body, a deep nothing then ran through his soul. The colour drained from the room. His stomach seemed to drop through the floor. He couldn't feel his hands and his body felt a million miles away.

After a while, he seemed to slide partially back into his body. He got up and walked into the cold bathroom. He opened the drawer and retrieved a plastic bag. He pulled out his razor blades. He sat on the floor and cut into his legs. The pain brought him some release as he sat on the cold bathroom floor for a long time. Feeling something but not everything. He got up later and cleaned himself up properly.

He sat on the bed. He very clearly couldn't stay here anymore. It would never be "cory and Shawn" anymore. He would come for holidays. He 'd pretend for cory's sake. But he knew they both knew those days were over. But he also couldn't be there because he loved cory in more than a friend way. He didn't know when it really became as bad as it was now. It was all too much. And obviously, cory deserved Topanga. And he was nothing. Mr Feeny tried, the Matthews tried. Tried to make him make something of himself. But here he was sitting on his bed with razor slits on him. Alone like he should be. Shawn looked out the window and sighed, he needed to leave. He needed to let Cory and Topanga have a life. Shawn got dressed. On the bus out of town, he called cory. "cor I'm leaving. Gonna find somewhere to write. You and Topanga can expect me for Christmas though"

"Shawn you don't have t."

"no, I do need to do this. It's going to be an awesome opportunity!"

"you really can stay be uncle Shawn to our little girl"

" no I want to be there I do."

"don't leave me, Shawn."

"I have to leave man! I always wanted to travel. You will be fine."

"But I love you, Shawn."

" I love you too. But you have Topanga and Riley you have a family. You don't need me right now."

"Of course I need you."

"Cor I'm going to have an adventure I'll see when I get back okay?"

"Okay, shawnie call me soon."

Shawn hung up. The lady on the other side sighed.

"so who is it really you or her? Cause your voice sounds heartbroken boy"

"it's really me. He did nothing wrong just had a real family to attend to"

"Oh I see" she smiled smugly and looked away. At the next stop, a woman sat next to the lady. He heard her say to the other lady in a bad whisper.

"that gay boy over there is leaving his man so he isn't a homewrecker" the lady look suspiciously at Shawn.

Shawn sighed and prayed for someone to sit next to him. They were wrong about him. He wasn't a homewrecker and he wasn't gay. Had he loved Angela right? However, it was true that when he pictured happily ever after it was always him and Cory. Fuck shit, shit Shawn thought. Maybe he was freaking gay. He had sex dreams of course and they were usually with boys. He pushed these thoughts from his head. And he stared out the window and watched the buildings go by. He was riding to Boston. He had heard of a few travel magazines that were stationed up there for god knows what reason. He was going to try and find a job there. He was going to try and live without cory, he had done it before. But that was before he knew he had lost him forever. This was a new kind of lonely.