Allow me to fall into your world… let me take a step outside of reality and into the place I feel at home… Please just permit me past the boundaries of morals… escape the tortures of right and wrong…consume my soul I want to feel protected… take me… I want you…
My voice was lost and I didn't have anything to say, control faded beyond my reach. I was grabbing something though to this day I could not tell you what it was. I hit the ground I'm sure of that, but my conscience had already slipped out of existence.
Then a bright light… shinning directly into my eyes.
"Go away!" I complained groggily.
"Yes ma'am I do believe he's going to make it." Said a voice not totally unfamiliar to me.
"Thank you sir… Erik." was all I heard before I lost my conscience once again.
When I woke up I was in my house under the opera lying in my coffin completely undisturbed.
"Another damned dream!" I screamed how I hated these nights when my mind was filled with grief trying to read the cryptic messages I know must be hidden in these dreams. "I've got to stop eating that cake before I go to sleep." Even as I told my self it was the cake's fault, I knew it wasn't true… I knew that my dreams were trying to tell me something, though what I could not explain, but it certainly was not the cake's fault. I am beginning to see my undoing.
I knew that even though I closed my eyes I would not fall asleep I knew now that I would be practically impossible to go back to sleep. My own sub-conscious was going to shut me out from finding anything I wanted to know. So after about an hour of trying I got my happy bum up and was at a loss of what to do. Pulling the mask onto my face I allowed my mind to think that today was going to be a normal day. What would happen beyond this point would be entirely like every other day… I do certainly hope so.
Walking out into the light of day… I no longer felt the fear of my discovery. In fact today I was delighted at the prospect. The adrenaline from having to come up with a plan to escape some one's trap would be the perfect thing to get my mind off of my dreams. No one came… there was no trap… surprisingly no one was even in the hallways. It was completely silent totally empty. Even on Sunday's nothing was this empty. Not a single person not anyone in the cast of the play and not anyone in the crew. No little ballet girls to terrorize. Absolutely no one. I should be happy, but suddenly I was filled with loneliness. A desire to be with someone… anyone. It was hours, I know, before I went home, but it felt like moments of nothingness. When I realized the theatre was empty I went back to my home and pumped morphine into my vein once again, in such a high dose I should have died.
So I pulled the chair to the organ and began to play the music which had been my shelter. I allowed my self to be totally eclipsed with music. I let it take me to a place men only dreamed of being in. A world I dreamed of being in. A world I have devised myself to create what I wanted. To become God of my own domain.
For I knew I would eventually fall asleep do to the fact that I was no longer living my life as me! I was living my life as the morphine made it! And even though I was addicted to the drug that had brought me such peace I could not help but notice the fact that I was no longer a talented musician, no, I was simply an addicted who fueled with my drug could compose the worlds greatest piece of music and never quite be satisfied, because I was having to be fueled to the point of extinction. Once I ran out of money my morphine supply would end and I would once again be condemned to the hell I had created my self.
When I finally get rid of my morphine I will be able to write what I want to write and know that it is mine. Until I do I will be forced to live in my hell. Never again will I be able to step into the light of reality… I am slipping farther and farther into my world allowing myself to be whoever I want to be. But I will never be me. I shall only be a sham of nothing. Because I am now nothing in the eye's of any one including god… For I am pretending to be god. No woman will love me. For I am alone in my darkness and I am afraid of what will become of what's left of me. Christine was my one true love and because she left I am alone. Deeply depressed and slowly becoming something I do not want to be.
What choice do I have though? What should I do? I can't stop taking my drug, it fuels my music and I do not wish to loose it. Music is apart of me and I do not wish to destroy any part of me that has not already been destroyed by the woman I called my mother and the woman I fell in love with. Although I must move on with my life I can't help but noticing the strange similarities between the two. And the fact that they both left me alone in the dark only completes their alikeness.