Crystal Tokyo: people really never learned to appreciate freedom, did they? They could never really get their minds around the idea that they could choose whatever they wanted. They built cages for themselves, social expectations, responsibility. Falling back into a monarchy was easy. Everyone wants someone to make decisions for them. Everyone loves being told what to do.
It's different if you're doing the telling though. Usagi worked herself into the ground for the first few weeks after she was instated as Queen. She still looks like a little girl when you catch her alone, over those piles of papers that are far too reminiscent of homework. She'll grin at you out from under her new glasses, still just a schoolgirl, a pregnant one, trying to solve all the world's problems.
She exhausted herself with all the strain and Rei caught her vomiting up blood one morning in the bathroom. She was trying to act like it was nothing and had been hiding it from Mamoru. Rei screamed at her for a solid fifteen minutes until Usagi was sobbing apologies on the floor. She carried Usagi to bed and then called Ami who hospitalized her for a few weeks. Hemorrhaging ulcers and morning sickness are not a good combination. Ami didn't scream at her, she just gave her those 'you should have said something, do you not trust me?' looks, which are not helpful to someone like Usagi who is more sensitive to guilt than anything else.
Mamoru was horrified that she had been hiding the fact that she had been throwing up blood, and more horrified that he didn't find out, that he had been that oblivious. But he had been as busy as she, just as Ami had, just as everyone had.
But still, everyone felt guilty, even me. I had been in Russia negotiating with the Chechens when it all went down, but I still felt that I should have known something was wrong. I'm supposed to be the leader. I'm supposed to be sensitive to my soldiers, and even though Usagi is the princess I still think of her as one of my soldiers, my most powerful one in some ways, but the weakest in others. But I don't know if I've been her friend in a long time, not since the wedding. You would think that Rei would have been the most alienated by it. And she did disappear for a little while, but then she came back. She had put away her pathetic unrequited love and just devoted herself to being Usagi's best friend. I was amazed by her strength, and I wished I had a tenth of it. But I didn't, so I threw myself into being my queen's military advisor. Not Usagi's friend, not anymore.
I hated myself for it, but seeing them there, under the canopy, looking into each other's eyes – I hated them. But I couldn't let it consume me, so I worked, all the time. Thankfully I had someone who stopped me from killing myself like Usagi. My partner, the other war advisor, Haruka, took me home with her for dinner, whenever we were home. It was nice, more comfortable than my rooms in the palace. It was a family, normal and safe in a dangerous and insane world. It reminded me of the time before my parents split up, when anything was possible, even falling in love.
Haruka and Michiru have such a normal kind of love. It's always been there as long as I've known them, so it's the natural state of things. And when I watch them tease and laugh and argue it seems possible again. Real life seems possible again. They only depress me sometimes, but Hotaru's always there to make a face, or grab me and pull me away. She seems to know when I start to sink.
Hotaru: now she's a mystery still. Ever since the first time Haruka brought me home we've been friends, good friends. She's not afraid of still being a kid, and I need that ability to just be happy sometimes. She's a college student now, and I make her take me to parties. She definitely isn't a social butterfly, but it's not that people aren't interested in her. She just doesn't open up to people she doesn't know. Another slight difficulty is her fashion sense. She's managed to acquire Haruka's taste in clothes. Now Haruka is insanely good looking—for a boy. Hotaru however is a very pretty girl, and though she looks delicious in loose shirts and tailored jackets, I think she needs to amplify a few of her feminine qualities. But if you look at the pictures of her from a few years ago, the little girl with huge eyes and thick tousled hair dwarfing her thin shoulders is entirely gone. She's as tall as I am now, and enough basketball with Haruka in the driveway solved her frailty. She ties her hair back now, but her eyes are still huge and turned inwards. I've been her friend for a long time, but I still can rarely tell what she's thinking about. But I feel like myself when I'm with her, like that person I thought I'd lost when I cut Usagi out of my life.
Hotaru hated hospitals. She hated the fact that she was all alone, in this hospital, at this time. But Setsuna-mama was at the gates, Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama were at a performance, and though they were hurrying back they would probably not arrive until late tomorrow. Ami was inside. Rei and Makoto had disappeared mysteriously. And Minako- Minako was walking in the door, shaking her coat, and pushing her wet hair out of her face.
"Mina-chan!"
She grinned. She grinned a bit too widely and was walking a little bit oddly. "I brought the champagne." She held up a bottle. It was only half full and the cork was wedged in awkwardly.
"You started without me?"
Minako laughed and plunked the bottle down on the table. Then she sat on the couch and wrapped an arm around Hotaru.
"Naw, I didn't have any. I got it away from Rei before she went under the table. We really shouldn't open it again until we're sure it's Chibi-Usa and not some youma or bicycle."
"A bicycle?"
"What? She's big enough." But her grin was still too wide, and Hotaru was good at worrying. She turned towards Minako and opened her mouth, but that was as far as she got. The door opened and hesitantly Makoto stuck her head in. Then she came in fully and pulled Rei in behind her. Rei found a chair and huddled in it. Makoto looked over them all and gave a half-hearted smile. Then she sat down. Hotaru shut her mouth.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. It was a strange feeling to be quiet with these girls who generally would never stop talking or arguing. It wasn't an easy feeling. No one had expected it would feel that way before it happened. No one had thought that everyone wouldn't be happy and joyful. But it seemed like an end, somehow. The future was now, and there really wasn't any hope left. They hadn't realized that they weren't all fighting for the same dream until the dream came true.
The inside door opened and Ami looked out and smiled. "You can all come in now. Chibi-Usa has arrived."
They filed in after her like mourners paying their respects at a wake. Hotaru brought up her camera and snapped a photo of the ironic scene. She loved her camera. It gave her a place, a job, something to hide behind. It was so much easier to be an outsider, to watch with a disinterested eye. And she did watch, as Makoto pushed herself against the wall, trying to be as far away from the baby as she could get. She watched Rei get a handle on herself. She could always control herself. She managed to overcome both her own pain and the effects of the alcohol to do exactly what she was supposed to do. She went and hugged Usagi, and scolded her for something unimportant. She shook Mamoru's hand and held Chibi-Usa for a few moments, enough for Hotaru to get a picture. Then Hotaru turned to Minako, camera still up, she turned to pretty, happy Minako, who was staring at Mamoru, his arm around Usagi's shoulders as they exchanged loving glances. Hotaru's finger pressed down in shock when she saw the look on Minako's face, the look of absolute hatred and utter, burning jealousy.
Hotaru glanced around quickly, but no one had seen it yet. She sidled over and took Minako's hand. Minako glanced at her.
"What are you doing?" she whispered.
"Can I talk to you? Outside, not here."
"Alright."
Hotaru glanced once more at Chibi-Usa, then looked around the room. It was wrong, everything was wrong. Minako was supposed to be the one leaning so close over the baby, cooing, and joyful, but she was just standing there, burning with jealousy over the love between the King and Queen.
She left, walking out of the Hospital, and stood in the alley as it started to rain.
Minako came out pulling up her hood and glanced around until she saw Hotaru.
"What did you want to say?"
"You'll find someone."
"What?" Minako looked fiercely at Hotaru. "What are you talking about?"
"You shouldn't be jealous, who can help but loving you?" It hurt to say, it hurt to be so obvious and know she'd never be understood.
"Hotaru-chan…"
Hotaru stared at the wall.
"You could tell, you could see how jealous I was."
Hotaru nodded slowly.
"I feel like I'm ruining everything. This is supposed to be Usagi's happiest day, and I'm screwing it up with my stupid jealousy."
Hotaru caught her hand. The rain slicked her bangs and stuck them to her forehead.
"You don't think I didn't come here with all my baggage too? It's Chibi-Usa, she was my only friend, I was in love with her, but now… she's a baby and I'm almost an adult. I've spent so much time just waiting, but it's time to get on with my life."
"But what is my life? I don't want this life! I didn't choose… She's my princess and I'll serve her forever."
"She's your queen now."
"Oh yes, my beloved queen. And now I'll never have a chance."
"For what?"
Minako sighed, "Nothing. It doesn't matter."
"For a normal life? To follow your dreams, not the Queen's."
"Why can't my dream be world peace? Why am I so selfish!"
"Minako! It's not selfish to want to be happy."
"It's not? If the whole world's happiness rests in your hands, it's not?"
"You can be such an idiot sometimes!"
Minako stared at the small harmless puppy who had just sunk her teeth into her ankle. Hotaru stuck her finger into Minako's chest.
"Somehow I don't think you're the type of person who gets off death and misery and pestilence. Somehow I don't think trying to be happy is going to counteract all the work you do. Because it is work! Even the queen, our beloved altruistic leader, finds happiness in a place other than saving the world. You come home with Haruka-papa every week; why do you have to be so different? Why do you have to be perfect?"
"I can't-," Minako murmured.
"What?"
"I can't have what they have!"
"You can't say no one loves you! Just because you haven't found them yet doesn't mean you won't."
"It's not that. It's me. I can't love. The goddess of love is incapable of loving. I wouldn't even believe it if I didn't see it on a daily basis. I don't believe in love. I don't believe that it exists for me."
Hotaru looked at Minako with slitted eyes and frowned. She wiped the raindrops from her nose with her sleeve and glared at Minako again.
"How old are you?"
"I seem to recall that you take issue when I ask the same question."
"You don't need calculus to calculate your age."
"23."
"And how long is your lifespan?"
"Dunno."
"How many people do you know who are involved in relationships right now?"
Minako held up 4 fingers.
"How many people do you know who have been savaged by futile, impossible love? You had better put me on that list." For more than one reason, Hotaru added to herself.
Minako held up 6 fingers.
"Why do you not count yourself lucky to not be able to love? because it sucks! It sucks to feel this way! You need to count your blessings while you have them. Suffer the things you can't change and don't waste time moping about the things you can."
"And the goddess of death tells the goddess of love to perk up and stop being depressed all the time."
"Hey, you're stealing my gig."
"I love you, Hotaru-chan."
"And what were we just arguing about?" Sometimes words burned.
Minako just laughed.
"Think we should go back in?"
"They're probably wondering what happened to us."
Minako sighed, "I need to get out of this world, just for a little while."
"There's a stupid party tonight. Want to come? There'll probably be a keg and obnoxious hip-hop music."
"Sounds like my kind of fun." Minako grinned.
Hotaru sighed, "Sometimes I really don't get you."
Hotaru adjusted her spaghetti strap top and pushed through the group of boys in front of the door. The music vibrated in the floor and a blacklight made the rare flash of white glow. The floor was already sticky with spilled beer and she picked carefully though the edge of the crowd in the bigger room. A liberal application of elbows was necessary but she finally reached the couch and perched on the edge, hoping someone would get up soon.
When she had gotten there with Minako, her friend had gone right in, but she had stood outside in the cold with the smokers for a few minutes before facing the oppressive mass of humanity. Sometimes she would head downstairs to where the keg was and the noisy boys and occasionally girls would play Beirut. At least there the speakers didn't make you feel like your head was going to explode, and there was usually a place to sit. She always seemed to gravitate towards the smokers. They at least were quiet; though she had to throw everything in the wash the moment she got home, because if Haruka ever smelled smoke or beer on her, well, the fallout was not going to be pretty.
A making-out couple fell up against her and pushed her off the arm of the couch. She sighed and edged towards the bar. The upstairs keg was never as busy as the one downstairs so she half filled a red plastic cup. Then someone tugged it out of her fingers. She looked up and Minako grinned at her, then chugged it and passed back the empty cup. Hotaru scowled and filled it up again. Minako leaned close to her ear and shouted.
"Come on! Don't you want to dance?"
"No!" Hotaru shouted back.
"No fun."
She took Hotaru by the wrist and tugged her over to the couch. She caught this guy by the collar and pulled him off the couch. She pushed Hotaru into the spot and then pulled the guy off to dance with. Hotaru just watched, slowly drinking the beer, and keeping an eye out for a swirl of blonde hair and a black tasseled skirt. She soon pulled away from the guy and was dancing by herself in the middle of a crowd of people.
After a while she grooved over to the bar and got a shot in a red plastic cup, knocked it back and went back to the floor. This was depressing Hotaru. She had decided long ago that the people who came to parties to get drunk were the people who had miserable lives. But then again, they had just discussed why their lives were miserable, so Hotaru supposed she shouldn't be surprised by Minako heading over to the bar. She wondered why she wasn't herself. But she knew why she wasn't drinking, she knew why she wasn't dancing, she knew why she wanted to be miserable. It was safer to be miserable and lonely then to lose control. Losing control wasn't just drinking; it was losing control of her life, putting decisions in other people's hands. It was better to never let someone know you loved them than to tell them and give them the reins to your heart. The reins and the whip. Hotaru sighed and scowled into her drink. Suddenly someone had caught her chin, was forcing it up, and pouring something horrible and burning down her throat. She swallowed and coughed desperately. Then she glared up at Minako who had a guilty expression on her face.
"You were looking really down!"
"I'm allowed to if I want to!"
Minako dropped onto her lap and leaned against her shoulder.
Hotaru sighed, "Why do you like college parties, Mina?"
"Free drinks." Minako tugged the beer out of Hotaru's hand and took a sip. "I never got to go when I was in college. Luna and Artie were on us all the time. Then the fucking shit hit the fan and we all dropped out." She put away half of it. "I was reading about the misery of the world for ten hours a day and they never even let us go and get drunk." She gulped down the last bit then stared pathetically at the bottom of the empty cup.
"Wanna dance?"
"No."
"Aww, the whiskey didn't loosen you up at all?"
"Nope."
"Come on, I wanna dance."
"Then go dance."
"I wanna dance with you."
"N-" Hotaru sighed, "If I dance with you can we go home?"
"Sure!" Minako hopped up and reached out her hand.
"I didn't say yes yet."
"Well then you can sit there all night!"
"Fine." Hotaru let herself smile and caught the proffered hand. "I suck at this."
"Everyone sucks at this. Forget that you suck and you'll be fine."
Minako pulled her into the mass of people and Hotaru groaned silently. What had she gotten herself into?
Hotaru stood stiffly, only rocking when hit by a stray dancer who didn't realize that the girl in the jacket and the tank-top was actually a wall. Minako groaned and rolled her eyes at her and then reached out and caught her around the waist. She reeled her in and planted her palms firmly on the girl's hips.
"Dancing requires movement!" she yelled above the music and forced Hotaru to actually move the hips that could barely hold up a pair of pants a size too large. Her thumb brushed against skin and Minako grinned like a cat. Hotaru met her eyes. She was moving of her own accord now and she rested her arms on Minako's shoulders. Minako arced an eyebrow and tugged Hotaru a little closer. She felt an arm drop across her back and fingers twist in her hair. Hotaru was getting brave now, was she? Minako loved pulling her friend out of her shell, and she would never be afraid to push a little harder. Her hands only had to slide up a little to rest on skin. She felt Hotaru stiffen up, so she turned a little sideways and pulled her flush against Minako's own hips. She couldn't help but move now. Minako glanced into Hotaru's face and smiled at what she saw. Her eyes were a little scared and her face was a little red that stood out on the icy-pale girl. But catching Minako's eye, her gaze turned slitted. It was dark and playful, just what Minako wanted out of her little goddess of depression. She was such a pretty girl. It was nice when she knew it and had the confidence to play with her seductiveness. She wanted to kiss her. Minako stopped that last thought in its tracks as her breathing got rougher and she began to feel that her chest wasn't large enough to hold her heart. Dammit, she knew the symptoms; she wasn't the goddess of love for nothing. Damn crushes. Why her friend, why was it always like this? Why did love have to taunt her with tastes of what she wanted and then have it fade so fast? Why were all her crushes so impossible? She glanced at Hotaru again. Dammit! She didn't do this, not to her friends, not to people she cared about. She didn't let them into her pathetic loveless life to be used and thrown out. Minako pulled away from Hotaru and stumbled away.
"I need another drink."
Minako pushed through the crowd to the bar and got a shot of JD. She knocked it back, winced and turned around. Then she winced again. Hotaru was glaring at her. When had the "cower mere mortals before the mistress of destruction" glare gotten so hot? Minako bit her lip. Hotaru grabbed her arm.
"We're going home. You said we'd leave after I danced, and if you can't stop drinking I'm finished dancing. Come on."
She pulled Minako through the dancers and into the coatroom. She found Minako's coat and threw it at her. Then she walked out the door and down the steps to the sidewalk. Minako followed meekly.
About a block away Hotaru took a deep breath. Finally she could breathe and the music wasn't pounding at her temples. The tenseness fell from her shoulders and she looked back at Minako.
"I'm sorry," Minako mumbled. But it was quiet and Hotaru could hear her.
"It's okay. I just wanted to leave."
Minako nodded, finished pulling on her coat, and slipped her arm through Hotaru's as protection from the chilly night.
"It's still early."
Hotaru glanced at her watch. 12:30. "Yeah."
"You want to go to your house and watch a movie or something."
"Okay."
Minako stayed close to her friend the whole way back, because no matter how she was feeling it was most important to make sure Hotaru didn't feel alone.
"I love your house," Minako said, staring upwards as Hotaru fumbled with the keys. She paused to role her eyes, and then turned the key and opened the door.
"I really do though. It's so … normal."
"Do you remember who lives here?" Hotaru asked dryly as she pulled off her coat and then tugged Minako's from her unresisting arms. She kicked off her shoes and turned them around. She stepped up into the hall and looked around for her slippers, but grumbled as she remembered she had left them by her bed when she rushed out that morning in just her socks. She stepped into her Haruka-papa's blue slippers which were too big and flopped around on her feet.
Minako sat down on the ledge to pull off her boots. "Of course I know none of you are normal. But you still manage to pull it off, you know, having a normal life."
Hotaru shook her head and schlepped down the hall to the laundry room where she threw both jackets in the washing machine. She was adding the soap and closing the lid when she was attacked from behind, two arms around her waist and a face against her neck. Hotaru slumped into the embrace.
"Minako…"
Her attacker looked up and pouted at her. Hotaru rolled her eyes and smirked, but swiveled around and hugged Minako tightly.
"You know," she murmured, "Last time, before Chibi-Usa came, I would have died happily. I didn't want to live anymore. I didn't want to live in that world where there was no touch, where there was no one to hold me. I used to get that ache because there was no one to touch me and I just had to sit through it, no matter how much it hurt." Minako was looking at her, and she smiled a little. "Once it hurt so much, and I was walking by this tree. I just walked right up to it and hugged it. It was rough, and the bark was sharp against my face but I hugged it as hard as I could and it almost felt like it was hugging back."
Minako's hands slid up her back and cupped around her shoulder blades.
"So," Hotaru continued, "so I understand what it's like to feel alone. And don't think I don't feel that way now, even though most of the time there's someone at home when I get here. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm always going to be alone, especially today."
She turned her gaze away from Minako's direct blue eyes, and felt a brush of cool fingers over her hot face and around her ear, hooking a stray strand of hair back there, and then gliding back and running lightly over her bottom lip. She glanced up quickly, but Minako was already looking away, and then crushing her to her chest, a damp kiss feeling almost accidental against her neck. And then Minako was pulling away, clutching her hand and tugging her out of the laundry room. Hotaru barely had the presence of mind to slam the washing machine on before being dragged out into the living room.
"Do you want popcorn? I'll make some," Minako asked.
"Oh no you don't," said Hotaru, "I'll make some, you pick out a movie."
Hotaru headed into the kitchen, smiling a little, and Minako headed into the closet to challenge the Outers' movie collection.
The Outers' movie collection was a strange and complex beast. It was kept in hugely heavy crates stacked in the closet, the staple storage item for the things you don't really need that often, which shows just how often movies were watched in the outers' house. The first crate, the one most often in use, was the one for the massive collection of races and concerts that Haruka and Michiru had built up. These, though not often watched were the most often added to. Minako flexed her biceps and lifted the first crate out of the closet, and plopped it on the floor just outside. The next crate was Michiru's arty movies and Haruka's sport movies. Minako had picked though these before, and they really weren't worthwhile. So she readied herself again, and keeping her back straight and knees bent, moved the second crate on top of the first. Then she hit paydirt. This was where Hotaru's movies were kept. They progressed quickly from little kids movies, through teen comedies, the occasional action flick which was actually for Haruka and only pretended to be for Hotaru, and a few adult romance-type movies. But what Minako was looking for was the section containing every single movie Hayao Miyazaki ever made.
When Hotaru came back in with the bag of popcorn, Minako had stuck "Porco Rosso" into the VCR and sat back onto the couch. Hotaru settled in beside her as the intro credits started to roll.
"I don't get you. You go out and drink and dance, and then you come home and watch kids movies."
Minako looked at her fiercely, "this is not a kids movie. This is a fine piece of the animated literature of our fine country."
"Mhm."
"And obviously you do not spend enough time with college students. Their favorite thing to do is get drunk and their second favorite thing to do is reconnect with their childhood."
"Is that so? Well, I suppose I just never got far enough away from mine."
"Maybe not."
Minako looked intently over at her.
"Taru?"
"Un?"
"Have you ever been kissed?"
Hotaru laughed, "Me? The untouchable girl? The silent freakazoid who never speaks unless she actually has something intelligent to say? Don't you think I get enough of this from Haruka?"
"But really, never? Not even practice kisses from friends?"
"What friends? You don't think my insane rate of aging and skipping a grade every year made a difference, do you." She sighed and looked down, "I think I've leveled out now, and I'm trying to make friends, but it's not easy. Right now, you're the only real friend I've got."
Hotaru had pulled away into her own little isolated ball of space. She was untouchable.
"Do, do you want…"
"No. I don't want you to kiss me out of pity."
Minako nodded and mumbled quietly, "It wouldn't be out of pity." But she didn't want Hotaru to hear her, and she didn't.
"Why do you think he was turned into a pig?"
"Because he never believed that there was a point to being alive after his friends were all dead. He didn't respect life anymore."
"That's well thought out," Minako remarked.
"Well I have seen this movie like six times," responded Hotaru.
"Don't you think her garden is beautiful?"
"Yeah."
Minako sighed, "I like the way it never fades, like she never fades, waiting for him. It seems like if he ever came the garden would fade, she would fade, he would die."
"You'd prefer it if he never came?"
"Yeah, something that lasts forever, even if it's sadness is better than joy that only lasts a moment."
Hotaru stared, "What are you on? Are you kidding me? You'd rather be lonely forever than be happy for a moment?"
"It'll just hurt you more."
"Have you ever thought that instead of being unable to love you're actually just terrified of it?"
"What?"
"Yes, you might get hurt, but the blossoms come back every year. Dammit, the woman, Gina, was in love with four different pilots. Three of them died, but that didn't make her afraid of trying again."
"But she's just waiting."
"Waiting sucks! Take it from me, I know. I've been waiting for a long time, and look, now she's here," Hotaru checked her watch. "She's 11 hours old. I need to stop waiting. I'm terrified of change too, but I'd rather try and fail, ride up and down on that emotional rollercoaster than just slowly sink deeper and deeper into the abyss of despair."
Minako's gaze grew intense. "Pull me up," she whispered. Hotaru clutched her offered hand and then kissed her, awkwardly, her body shaking and not responding to conscious thought.