TITLE: Undeserving?
AUTHOR: Pedellea
E-MAIL: pedellea@hotmail.com
DATE: November 8, 2001
RATING: G
SUMMARY: A short reflection piece about being called heroes.
SPOILERS: After Time
DISCLAIMER: Third Watch belongs to John Wells Production and Warner Brothers. There you are. Short and sweet.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is my attempt of getting into the possible mindset of New York Firefighters after the attacks and their experience at "the pile". It was spurred on by what Carlos said in "After Time" (third and final instalment of the episode on the attacks): "Anyone else sick of this hero stuff?" I didn't really use a character to write this piece because I think the feelings are universal. Please read and review.

UNDESERVING?
By Pedellea

It's hard to accept being called a hero when you didn't even save one person in the country's biggest disaster. I mean, aren't heroes supposed to save people's lives?

Well, it's not that I don't appreciate the kindness and generosity of total strangers, bringing cards and food as a gesture of thanks for our efforts. But their gifts won't bring back those true heroes who perished at the pile. Not that I expect anyone to bring back our lost men, but these gifts... are they given in vain?

No, not in vain, but in helplessness. Or perhaps hopefulness for some sort of new, different future? I don't know - this tragedy is all too consuming and all to confusing sometimes. Why did I come out alive and the others, good people like Tommy Doyle, with a beautiful wife, a wonderful kid, and a good life in front of them, have to die? Is there a reason deeper than just to continue our duty - and their legacy - as "heroic" firefighters?

In the past weeks, over and over, I've done a lot of crying - for those who are missing or dead, for their grieving families. For our failure to do more than what we could have. The grief counsellors keep telling us it's not our fault that any of this happened. But still, saving people is what I do best, and what I was expected to do for our country. I guess I've failed horribly at my job this time around.

I'm doing better, though. I really am. This healing, or this coming to terms, will take time. I know that for sure. It's frustrating sometimes... when we try to return to normalcy, this tragedy always has a way of coming back to bite once more in one way or another. I guess all we can do is keep trying, keep pushing on...

I still think I don't deserve being called a hero. Every time someone does though, I'll say my thanks - I'll say it for those who lost their lives at the pile and who are most deserving of the title.

THE END

You know... although everyone who toiled endlessly at the pile may think they don't deserve the title of "hero", I still have to say that these people are one of the bravest out there. Who else would risk their own life to save another's but firefighters, and even paramedics and the police?

Even though I wasn't personally affected by the attacks, I still want to say my thanks to this group of people - for those who have perished but would have thank you all for your fine efforts. Thank you with all my heart.

Feedback is always apreciated. Please send it to pedellea@hotmail.com. Thank you kindly.