Notes: Speculation for 5x12. Making Sense of 5x11!
Bigger Than 1/1
'You're saying you're coming back to me?'
'Yes. I am.'
I just kept hoping, I just kept hoping
The way would become clear
I spent all this time tryna play nice and
Fight my way here
See, I've been having me a real hard time
But it feels so nice to know I'm gonna be alright
So I just kept dreaming, yeah, I just kept dreaming
'This Feeling' By Alabama Shakes
He stirred, daylight flooding into his grey tinged bedroom with a calmly nature. He felt relaxed. Prepared, by the first good night's sleep in such a long time. It almost seemed as if it had been deliberately kept from him since his journey into self discovery, almost 4 months ago now. Stowed away under lock and key until the appropriate time came to invoke the right kind of rejuvenation.
To prepare him for the battle that he faced.
He stretched, his shoulders cracking at their held position as his muscles flexed slightly into being. He looked to the space beside him, instantly occupied by it as his fingers traced over the prominent wrinkles embedded in the soft cream sheet. The absence of something that had been stripped from his mind.
Out of the corner of his eye he suddenly noticed a flash of Auburn flit in between the hinges; sitting up gradually he scrutinised the half open door of his own bathroom. It took him by surprise at first; the distinct feeling of movement in the room, as he pulled the covers off to inspect the possible intruder.
His eyes narrowed as he pushed the door open, the sound of giggling and hot water running on full.
He paused at the sight, frozen in place by the half image in front of him, his mouth opening in surprise.
Two bodies, entangled in a cloud of steam as water spilled over them in a cascade. He was suddenly mesmerised, like the slow motion picture of a car hurtling through the air as he fixed on the details; his own face, in profile, seemingly backwards and oddly obtuse as his lips crushed against another's.
He knew the other. She seemed like a repeat offender, now.
Her freckles and pale skin lighting against the refraction of the water.
Her neck, long and slender as she arched her back then, after a moment, eliciting a long echoing moan at the way his own lips appeared to be eagerly sucking at it…
He turned his back in a swish, noticing a child run past the door.
Another swish of red lighting his memory like a forest fire.
He frowned, taking a step forward to follow.
In a moment of cavernous emptiness, metal bars fell down in front of him, around him with a heaviness, the room going to completely to black.
He sits up in a start, breathing slightly as he blinks with a desperation reaching towards reality.
He looks around the room, the paranoia of wake sharpening his anxiety.
He checks himself.
It was stupid. Just a dream. He must have been too hot, his subconscious beckoning him into the morning with a cruelty only his mind could invoke.
He reaches for his watch, frowning at the light as it resists the palling of his half-closed shutters.
7.55am
He curses under his breath.
He was late.
Twenty minutes behind schedule for his usual 8.30 appearance at work.
He curses into the comforter once more as he rolls out of the bed.
He should have been calm, centred after the events of last night.
Donna was back. With him. As it should be.
And here he was, having dreams again.
Dye all of my colors red
How'd you get this house? She said
She wondered
For a fire and clear am I
Bound for all the sun to spoil
'Red' By Phoria
Donna woke early. Earlier than usual. Lately, with Louis she had found herself letting time...slide.
Fractionally. Sometimes Marginally.
Now, It wasn't that she didn't care.
It was just that Louis just...wasn't as demanding as Harvey.
If she was honest, she preferred demanding. It kept her on her toes. Kept her sharp.
The world of finance wasn't quite the world she thought it would be. There was no fast lane. Money ran in fluid parallels that you could tap in and out of. Like a database, ever running, and only ever needing to keep one eye on it.
Working for Harvey was like being a duck in a game of water laden Dodge ball. Dodging bullets as they flew above the waterline, pushing on the need to score against the opposition. All with a veneer of effortlessness against the furious and invisible paddling below that, that kept you an inch from drowning.
She saw the irony in the fact that she was now leaving Louis...just as they'd ironed out the kinks in their working relationship.
She was trying not to think of all the kinks in her and Harvey's soon to be again working relationship.
And as for the personal…
There was no time. This was a sinking ship and she was going to be there to right it. By Harvey's side.
The change ran like an afterthought, her pale peach and flattering but previously understated ensembles flying out of her focus as she zoned in on a dress she hadn't worn in a...long while. It was emerald green and tan and panelled with a geometric edge to the waist.
It was bold.
Strong.
But still had a softness.
It was perfect.
She smiles with a finality, checking the dress against herself.
It's game time.
They had agreed the night before that Donna would come in a little later. With the need to speak to Gretchen, after everything she had done for him, Harvey felt it was only right that he be the one to tell her.
When he swanned into the office at 8.43am, there she was.
Solid.
Trustworthy.
He felt an asshole.
"Hey Gretchen. Come with me. I need to talk to you."
He ignores her interested look as she follows slowly after him, watching as he takes a seat on the black couch.
"Sit down. I need to tell you something." He gestures, indicating the black vinyl chair next to him.
She frowns immediately, her distinct drawl flooding the room. "What's with the set up? Am I getting fired?"
"No," He smirks immediately. "But I need to ask something of you. Please...just sit." He insists, his voice level.
"Okay then." She says with a sigh, taking a seat. For a moment, she pauses mid-action, looking him straight in the eye. "Let me guess. Red's finally coming back to steal her crown?" She eyes him pointedly over her thin rimmed glasses.
He chuckles to himself then, readying himself for the onslaught.
He really does like this woman.
She cuts through the bullshit without any of the emotional subtext that Donna tended to have.
"Yes. But...that's not what I need to ask you." He clarifies.
"Okay. Out with it. I guess I have all day now, but. You skirting around the matter bores me near to death." She remarks, giving him a tired look.
"Okay." He says, shaking his head for a moment. "Look. What I'm about to enter into...is a very precarious position. Now...I value you. You've...been great here. But I don't want you involved in what's going to happen from here on out." He tells her.
"Does this have something to do with Mike Ross?" She asks him.
"Yes." He nods. "And...Donna's been there from the very beginning. She's going to get dragged in no matter what. But I don't want that happening to you." He says. "So...I have two choices for you. Either...you switch with Donna. Work for Louis,"
"The uptight finance guy with the mud fetish?" She eyes him, her expression deadpanned and rather unimpressed on the whole.
"Yeah." He smirks. "Let's be honest. He's not me." He throws, a notable arrogance about him.
"Well, he's more manly than you." She said. "I'll give him that." She shrugs.
"Hey." He chides, frowning momentarily at the rather worrying concept.
"What's the other option?" She asks, her voice laying weight to it.
"The other is… that I pay your salary for the next year, upfront. And that gives you time to...find something new. Something that you want, with no pressure to find it."
"Harvey, I don't want your money." She tells him.
"You've earned it, Gretchen. More than you know."
"You remember when I told you about my husband dying. And having purpose again?"
"I know, Gretchen. And I wish I could keep you. But I don't want you going down with the ship if it does."
She straightens, rocking slightly in the seat. "Look, I get it," She acknowledges. "But Louis Litt doesn't exactly have the best reputation around here."
"Oh believe me. He can be an asshole." He tells her. "But let's not pretend you can't handle that." he winks.
"Don't you flatter me." She scolds in her way, beginning to stand.
He smirks, waiting for her answer.
He's sad to see her go. Truly.
"Do I have time to...think about it? For today at least?"
"Sure thing. I need Donna to start right away, but...if you decide to go to Louis then you can start tomorrow." He reasons. "If not...then let me know either way."
"A day off." She ponders. "How about that."
"Gretchen." He says, causing her to stop.
"Yes, Mr Specter."
"Don't be a stranger." He smiles, his face level. Appreciative.
"Who's a stranger," A voice chimes, cutting the moment slightly.
They both look up to view the intruder.
He struggles with the need to swallow.
She's like a ghost turned alive again. Suddenly so much brighter than he's seen of late. Flame haired and dressed to kill once more, her talons dark and a confident look on her face like she never lost a day's sleep over anything.
"Hey Red," Gretchen regards, her arms folding with a dryness. "I always knew you'd try and steal that seat back." She tells the younger woman, the gussy about her.
"Been keeping it warm for me?" Donna offers, giving the woman a shrewd look.
"More than your skinny ass is capable."
Harvey's eyes sharpen at the interchange, until Donna laughs, genuine and guttural. There is a mirth ridden look on her face as she examines the older woman. "Have you decided on Louis yet?"
"I'm going to take the day on it." She wagers.
"Okay." She nods. "If you need the low down you know where to find me."
"I do." She turns to Harvey then, a subtext in her eyes. "I guess I better make myself scarce."
"Take all the time you need." Harvey tells her, nodding.
They watch as Gretchen swaggers passed her desk, before sliding out to the hall. Most likely to find a box.
And then there were two.
She's nervous. And now she feels bad for Gretchen, having walked in on what should have been a 'closed door' conversation. The woman was a good match for Harvey. She hopes that she'll stay within the firm. Her talents were hard to come by. A near fluke that Harvey picked so well after her.
As her eyes move forward, she watches Harvey stand, buttoning his suit jacket from it's open position.
It awakens in a dizzying flash of held memory, as she narrows her eyes, taking in his appearance bit by bit like a checklist. Her fingers twitch at her side for a moment, the need to attend to him making itself apparent.
He gives her a look, intrigue running over his features as he catches on eventually. In a second there is something unreadable on his face. A reservation.
She jumps into life then. "Okay. So. Gretchen's going to take a while to pack up. So...as far as the job role. Learning your filing system again is going to have to wait for now. All things considered. And I know that Mike is number one. But other than manning the phones and looking for a breakthrough. What do you need from me?" She asks. "We don't exactly have time to warm back in." She wagers, her hands sliding onto her hips with purpose as her mind seems to occupy herself.
"I…" He fumbles over an answer, a pause stretching out in his mouth, as he takes in the sudden shift in her. That rhythm. Offsetting whatever blanch came before it.
He swallows to allow for the clarity of thought as it moves over him.
The jump back into the old. But with a distinct change.
It dawns on him like an eclipse.
They aren't the same people any more. Long gone are the days of fixing suits and drifting boundaries and humour with a frisson of ambiguity. Of declarations and unsaid words that leave him behind the questions and without an answer. Of having dream upon dream and the possibility of them meaning anything at all.
They, are altered, now.
Hardened versions of their former selves made to tread old ground. It's a shift towards an awkward groove of their past. All at once he feels the mounting remembrance of the night she left him flood his mind in double time. How her reactions counted for something back then. How fine the line could still be between them.
But then again.
They are here again, at least.
Together once again.
Still Fragile and yet similarly robust.
Singular and yet drawn as a pair.
And it's good enough, he thinks.
Good enough to get them through.
"Where ever you think we should start." He says carefully, straightening then
She reads it too.
The understanding.
No matter the shift,
This is their perfectly crafted Family.
At risk, once again, of being brought straight under. Of their Kingdom falling into the wind.
And It's bigger than 'You know, I love you.'