I really love angst forever. Sorry for any wrong grammar. (still new)
Disclaimer: Bleach is not mine.
Because of You, I am Here
Isn't that being loved and be appreciated by someone the things she really wanted all her life? Yet, when she found the very person who offers himself to do so, she could do nothing but push him away from her. She cannot accept anything from him. The words he said to her keep buzzing in her head.
I deeply cared for you
You change my life
You are my heart
Who could not resist and be touched to those quixotic words? Of course, she feels the same way and replied to him equably. No one exposed their feelings to her that way, not until today. She had loved before and been hurt by doing so. If there is a person between the two of them who fully understands how to be in love and how to be in hurt, it is her. But she could not comprehend what her heart felt after hearing those words coming from him. It is so foreign to her and so thrilling.
Be with me
Yet after hearing those three words, she felt her heart clenched and long. All the thrill and emotions she felt were immediately replaced by fright and pain. She cannot comprehend that also. She just wanted to run away from him and from this world.
"No… no it's not right" Her voice nearly broke. The raw emotion she feels in her heart made her voice go high-pitch. She found Ichigo's eyes and held. She utterly understands that Ichigo will not believe her unless she looked him in the eyes.
What had he done that gone wrong? He perfectly planned everything. From smoothening rough edges in their relationship to go searching for the precise words that will mirror his sentiments. And when the right time came, he delivered his speech wholly. He saw the thing he wanted to see in her eyes – the love and acceptance of his feelings for her. He thought that would be enough, enough to push further.
He was wrong
After saying the last piece of his speech, she went limped. At first he thought it came out from too much love and surprise but he was wrong again. He clearly noticed the sudden change of her big lilac eyes. He saw the pain in them. Because he could not stomach what he witnessed, he drastically shifted his sight over her shoulder. He doesn't need to touch her to know that she is trembling. That is a very bad sign.
"What isn't right? I saw love in your eyes. If you can fool yourself, you cannot fool me. I already gave you my heart. Don't act as if I gave you a toy that can be thrown away yet no harm done. It's my heart on the line." He retorted borrowing Rukia's tone. She is lying, Ichigo thought until he caught her eyes. It didn't surprise him to know the temperature around them dropped fifty degrees with those cold eyes. She may be lying, he mused, but she believed it was the truth. That stung. He wanted to touch her but that would cause another chaos. Unable to find something for his hands to toy, he hanged them in his pocket.
She understands that completely. What Ichigo said was the sheer truth. She felt foolish but pride made her cling to what she believed. "I don't want your fucking heart Ichigo and never did I command you to give it to me. If you don't want your heart to be hurt then you must teach it how to stop. " She changed her tone from boiling rage to arctic disdain. She will gain a little for spilling out that her heart is also on the line so she decided to keep that to herself.
Of course he felt the sudden change in her voice. It's as if he's talking to a stranger, very detach and very far. "Is that what you did, Rukia? Did you teach your heart about everything like shutting it down when something went wrong? I must say congratulations because you did a very good job. " His last sentence overpower the rest of what he said but he didn't find it funny, it is far from being funny.
Hearing sarcasm, she will not let it pass. "Well thank you very much Ichigo." Rukia put her lashes down and when she opened them again, she labored the voice she uses while at school "I find it satisfying to hear those words from you. At least I knew I'm a good trainer."
Ichigo swing his one hand towards Rukia, dismissing her and what she said. "Either you want it or not, it's already yours. I cannot change what I feel for you. Listen to me. LISTEN. I love you and I know you feel the same way to me. You are afraid. You are so afraid of the consequences that our relationship will bring. Where is the girl who never hesitated to share her powers to me? Where is that strong girl?
"Don't ever put my feelings on your mouth! And most of all, you don't have any rights to question me from anything I became." The boy crossed the limit. But instead of anger, his words only left her aching. She isn't scared, she assured herself. She just balances everything. Why can't he fathom it? Why can't he?
He saw a tear escaped from her eyes. He knew well that she fought back very hard just to protect it from falling.
"I'm sorry" He desperately wanted to touch her but the timing is wrong.
The hell with it.
But when he walked toward her and attempted to touch her cheeks, she stiffened.
"Don't touch me."
He attempted to do so again when he eventually saw tiredness and surrender she let tears fall to her cheeks down to the ground. He doesn't want that scene to happen and yet he did not do anything to stop it.
"Don't. Don't."
Those are the words she shot back to him. When he tried to touch her for the third time, she jerked away and ran. He didn't follow her and she hated it. She tasted her own tears. It was bitter.
They don't even notice the other person in the room.
-00000-
He absolutely doesn't understand them. Kon, all his life, never wanted to witness nor dare to experience a scene wherein two people, which in no doubt feel the same way to each other, arguing about it. Much more if the persons involve are his companion. What they needed to do is to understand each other and sort things out. But after a beat or two of utter silence, he doubt those two could settle things out.
"Such losers." Who cares about them? It's probably not him. What thing can he gain by worrying for those two nut heads? Next to nothing at all. They didn't even cared about him, he thought in disgust. After being with them for almost years, they didn't spare him some love or importance. Damn it. They punched, played over, threw and ignored him for only God knew how many times. What he wanted to do now is stalk some beautiful and sexy babe. Yes, that is the only thing he needed to do. His nee-san cannot tolerate him, then, he will find someone who is more alluring than her. Satisfied with his conclusion, Kon started to walk on the street.
That's when he saw Rukia.
-00000-
You are afraid.
Did you teach your heart about everything?
I love you.
She keeps hearing those words. What's wrong with you Rukia? , she asked in silence. Nothing is wrong with her. She did the right thing for both of them. She knew exactly well that their relationship will not work. Not because they are from different world but because it will affect many of the people around them. Ichigo is twenty-two years old now and she is definitely older than him. That also didn't matter. What matter is that she cannot wholly return back the feelings Ichigo bargain to her. Of course she loves her but it's not enough. Her love is not enough for her to leave Byakuya aside and to threw away every worked she had done just to achieved the vice-captain position Kaien left. That is a complete lie. Damn if she will asked him to left his family just to be with her. Okay, their world is the problem and she disgustingly admitted it.
She stopped and eyed the girl who strolls opposite her direction. She possesses the face of an angel. Her eyes are so big and with full of emotions -very simple yet very warming. She is not like you, she reminded herself. She is not a simple girl who would welcome everything with open arms.
When her appearance isn't tolerable any longer, she stares away from her.
All she knew is that she did the best thing for both of them. There are rules to be followed and she was trained to follow them well. One should not assume that she would lay aside every rule set by herself just because he loves her and love him back.
If she accepted him and nod to what he wanted, she will just hurt his feelings. She will not let him throw away his life for her. She doesn't want to see him suffer more because of her and because he wants to be with her.
She used the heel of her hand to brush away the tears on her cheeks and eyes and started to go nowhere.
She just wanted to be left alone
-00000-
The first thing that came out in Kon's mind was to follow and call her nee-san. He knew very well that Rukia is hurting and very bad. He wanted to help so much his chest started to tight harder. Can he? Is he capable on cheering everyone? He already change, he assured himself. He isn't the person who only loves butts and boobs anymore. But he is not also the boy who craved for attention. Let her be, he commanded to his mind.
No, he will follow his instinct now –and that is to talk and be with Rukia for a moment.
"Nee-san" He shouted reluctantly with his childlike voice.
Rukia shifted her gaze towards him. She will not let anyone see what she was like today. Being vulnerable is what she hates the most. She walked toward Kon while masking her face with a smile and unblemished eyes.
It never did great.
"Did you escape again?" Thank God her voice did not betray her.
Where was his tongue? He seems not able to say anything.
"I knew what happened." He successfully muttered. His voice changed mimicking Ichigo's. Stepping closer to Rukia, he shot his eyes toward her purple one.
"Happened what?" Oh, what happened between her and Ichigo. Kon is there the whole moment and she did not even know. Emotions really are troublesome at times.
She placed her mask away knowing it is already useless.
"I-I just –"
"No, You don't need to explain everything." Cut Rukia out using her chilly tone again. She started to walk away from Kon.
"You love him don't you?" Kon mumbled to Rukia. He did not care if Rukia glare him with icy looks nor wanted to see if she gave anything. Right now all he needs to do is to find a way to make Rukia understands everything. He doesn't want to think of it but her nee-san is wrong this time and that is what he desperately must point out.
She nearly stumbled after hearing what Kon said but recognizing the game well, she will not give any satisfaction to him. There is no way she will let herself be defeated again. This time she will stand up and make her own point. "It doesn't…"She bit back her lip from trembling "…matter" and began to walk again.
"Don't give me that answer nee-san." Walls started to erect around her and kicking them with smooth talks will not result to any good, he mused. If Rukia started to build icy bricks, he will going to be the fire ball in order to melt every bit of them. "You know very well that's not what I want to here." His voice started to heat up. "And you knew very damn well that it matters so stop being stubborn and grow up." He yelled.
Upset and amusement crept in her mind. Who could have thought that Kon own such admirable temper? She never realized until now that he grew up and very well. Setting aside that matter, she started to face him. Whoever he became and whatever he will say, she will not let them affect what had already decided. "What do you want to hear? That yes I am in love with him? That yes I cannot live without him? What about after that? Did it ever occur to you that many would suffer if we pursue and follow our heart? It is not that simple Kon" She heard her voice broke. "Nothing is simple". She finally said after full seconds passed.
Kon noted the sudden change of her voice and the disappointment it has, that pleases him well. Her nee-san is a very sweet being and no matter how she wants to be hard, her soul will always gainsay what her mind needed to do. That thought pleases him also. We only need some pushing, he contemplated with delight. "You are right, nothing is ever made simple but you never did strike me as a person who will back off just because the problem isn't one." He wanted to see her eyes and satisfied to see the stun in them, the heat in his heart came out to his throat and glory is the thing in it. "Do you remember the time when you broke the wall Ichigo built around him? I'm sure you remember it well. That situation was anything but simple yet you stand up and hammered every wall just by using your heart. Look, nee-san, look inside your heart. Appreciate everything in it because those are your strongest weapons. Don't say something like 'it isn't enough' or 'it doesn't matter' because it surely does. Because of your heart Ichigo return to his usual self. Because of your heart everyone became happy. And because of your heart, I still exist in this world." He never noticed the tears began to fall and fast.
"Kon, I don't want you to –"
"Wait, let me finish first. Even if you see me as something as trash or something as useless as dust, I decided to make you understand everything. I want to help you. Damn it, nee-san, I hope you will appreciate me. Love and be loved. Don't lock your heart again. I know the feeling of being ignored and being neglected. It's so dark and empty. But because you didn't let me die, I am here right now. I gained this body because you helped me. Now, I want to return the favor." He harshly brushed his hand to his eyes, not minding the pain it will gain from doing so.
Touched, she threw her hands to Kon shoulders and hugged him tight. "Sorry. I'm totally sorry" Her tongue cannot fumble for words other that those.
Kon shifted his gaze towards Rukia's eyes and delivered his last speech.
"Be with him."
"Yes, Yes of course." She knew her resolved doing otherwise was already crushed and will never be built again. He is thankful for Kon. The silly boy who only thinks about girls and sex became an admirable man. Just years after he gained his own body and started to see the world as a very beautiful place, he started to change for a better person –an extremely better person who deeply cares for his friend. Who could really have thought he was just the one that could make her resolve shatter?
My heart ah, Rukia mused. She will not let her heart go down again.
"Go now Rukia, propose to Ichigo. I'm sure he will like it." At last, he saw a smile on Rukia's face and genuinely.
"Idiot." But she will surely do it.
And hope everything will go well.
Really, friendship and love are the greatest weapons of all.
My world lies to where my heart is.
And my heart is with Ichigo.
Why did I forget everything that my mentor taught me?
You're an idiot Rukia.