Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Note: Notice this is called Merry Christmas, One and All! I meant no offense to other religions. I am not religious, I just celebrate Christmas. Other religions are nice, too.
Merry Christmas, One and All!
Chapter One: RUN AWAY! THE HORMONES ARE LOOSE!
Once upon a time on a merry Christmas day, there were many couples happily doing…stuff. And so our tale begins…
"Hinata! Hi! What are you doing?"
"O-Oh…h-hello, N-Naruto-kun…I-I was looking f-for Christmas g-gifts…"
"That's cool! So am I! Do you know where Sakura is?" the yellow haired boy grinned.
"I-I think s-she's o-over there…l-looking f-for S-Sasuke I think…"
"Not fair!" Naruto began to walk away, but then Hinata caught his arm.
"W-Wait! Before y-you go, N-Naruto-kun…w-what do you w-want for Christmas?"
"Oh! That's nice of you, Hinata! You don't have to get me anything if you don't want to, but I guess anything would be fine. See you later!" Naruto waved the shy Hyuuga goodbye and began to run away in search of Sakura.
"That dobe. He didn't really answer your question."
"E-Eh?! H-Hello, S-Sasuke!"
"Hi, Hinata."
"W-What are y-you doing?"
"Hiding." Sasuke sighed. "I have been tackled three times already today by the same mob of people. You'd think they'd know that my bones break, too. The hospital bill is going to be horrific."
"Oh." Hinata thought a moment. "W-What about o-over there? I-In the antiques s-shop, n-no one e-ever goes there…"
"Thanks. Hope your search goes well. Oh yeah…before I forget, Naruto would probably like something with 'Sixth Hokage: Uzumaki Naruto!' stamped on it or something ramen-related. See you later."
"G-Goodbye." Hinata turned and thought. Finding something ramen-related would probably be easier than finding something with 'Sixth Hokage: Uzumaki Naruto!' stamped on it unless she got it customized, and that would take at least a week. She decided to go to the market and buy something ramen-related. She guessed two large boxes of some fancy ramen would do it. She walked inside and wandered around a little.
"Hey. You're that troublesome girl…Hinata."
"H-Hello, S-Shikamaru!"
"Hello, troublesome person. What are you doing?"
"M-Me? I-I am l-looking for s-some ramen…"
"Are you a ramen fanatic too?"
"N-No, f-for N-Naruto-kun…"
"Oh. That troublesome kid."
"W-What are y-you doing?"
"Carrots. For Santa's 'reindeer.'"
"T-That's n-nice of y-you."
"Not me. My troublesome dad's just too troublesomely lazy to go get it himself."
"…"
"Bye."
"Goodbye."
Author's Note: From now on if something says, for example With Hinata, it means the story is now switching to what Hinata is doing.
With Sasuke…
Sasuke walked inside the antique store and immediately covered his nose. Everything was dusty and cobwebbed and reeked. But at least he was safe and he wouldn't have to pay hospital bills. He continued inside and began looking at some old paintings.
"Hey, Sasuke. How hard do you think that painting is?"
"Huh?" Sasuke turned around. "Hi, Tenten."
"No, you're right. I think that the really old type-writer is much better. But I don't have enough ryou for anything in this store. A really hard baseball bat might do the trick, though…"
"What are you rambling about?"
"Oh. Hi, didn't notice you were there. I'm looking for something to give to Gai and Lee, like an antique, and then drop it on their feet so their feet break and they can't train for an entire WEEK."
"Worthy goal."
"But I can't find anything in this store! In my price range, anyway."
"Oh." Sasuke thought a moment. "I would be willing to help you with your problem…if you helped me with mine."
"Sure. Give me money and I'll do anything."
"I need you…to pretend that you are dating me so that those fan girls outside that are threatening to kill me don't. You're basically the only kunoichi I know that can beat up those girls but doesn't actually think I LIKE her and I don't think is really annoying. We have the same goals, you and I…to cause havoc and destruction everywhere. Anyway, with the money I save on hospital bills I can afford to lend you some to…uh, deal with your…youthful teammates."
"Deal." Tenten extended a hand.
"Deal." Sasuke shook it.
"Now…what exactly do couples do, anyway?"
"…I dunno."
Now, here are two people who have absolutely NO romantic sides or love lives. They know NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. ZIP.
"Er, I think couples hold hands. I think. Or maybe that's Pooh Bear and Piglet. Wait. Pooh Bear and Piglet are not a couple. What do couples do?"
"…I think couples hold hands and…do stuff. Stuff, I guess."
"So, er, let's hold hands."
"Gotcha."
"In…two hours."
"Fine with me."
With Naruto:
"AH! LOOK! IT IS SASUKE AND TENTEN! THEY ARE…HOLDING HANDS!" Sakura yelled. "IT CANNOT BE! IT CANNOT BE!"
"Sakura!" Naruto ran up. "Hi! I saw that the dobe finally got with somebody! You know, maybe you want to go out with me now!"
Thoughts raced through Sakura's large forehead. She pictured it like this:
"Okay, Naruto."
"Okay, Sakura! You're so kind to pity me and go out with pitiful me! Thank you!"
"No, Sakura!" Sasuke ran up. "Do not go out with this pitiful Naruto! I want to go out with you!"
"But you are going out with Tenten!"
"It was only to make you jealous! I realize the error of my ways!"
"YAY!"
"Sakura?" Naruto tapped her on the shoulder.
"Oh. Okay."
"But Sakura—wait. Did you say okay? Did you say okay? You said okay. You said okay. YOU SAID OKAY!"
"Er…yeah."
"SHE SAID OKAY!!!" Naruto began to run around happily. Sakura sweatdropped. She looked at Sasuke. Maybe he hadn't noticed her.
With Neji…
"Wait. Is that…Tenten? With Uchiha?" Neji asked slowly.
"Who are you talking to?!" the person inside his brain asked.
"You."
"I do not exist."
"Oh. Well, talk to me. I do not know what to think. Tenten is going out with Uchiha."
"Oh. I know. You love her and are very jealous of Uchiha and are convinced that Tenten is making a mistake. You go out with that really weird bang girl, what's her name…Pig, and then Tenten realizes her love for you and goes out with you."
"Okay."
"GO DO IT!"
"YES! I LOVE PIG! I LOVE PORK! I LOVE BARBECUE! LIKE CHOUJI! YYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"NO! YOU LOVE THAT BANG-PIG GIRL!"
"YES!" Neji started to run away. In search of Ino, no doubt.
With Hinata…
"W-Who…i-is t-that N-Naruto-k-kun?" Hinata said softly as she saw Sakura and Naruto walk past hand-in-hand, acting like a couple. "I-It cannot b-be!"
"Wow. So Sakura finally gave up and went with that guy?" Kiba said. "Huh."
"K-Kiba-kun!" Hinata suddenly had a determined look on her face. She would have to go to extreme measures to at least have Naruto like her a little bit! Even Sakura wouldn't be happy this way! It could not happen! "K-Kiba-kun, c-can y-you p-pretend to g-go o-out with me?"
"Pretend?" Kiba asked slowly. "Er, this for Naruto, isn't it?"
"Y-Yes!"
"…okay, but only because you're my teammate. I dunno what couples do, though."
"I-I think c-couples h-hold h-hands…and t-things l-like that…"
"Oh. Okay." Kiba and Hinata held hands, Hinata turned bright as a tomato. Kiba looked at her.
"I think that Hinata has a fever," Kiba told Akamaru.
With Ino…
"N-Neji?! THE GUY WHO WENT AND SAID HE DIDN'T CARE ABOUT MY BEAUTY?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"
"Tenten…" Neji wiped his eye with a hankie. "Tenten is with Uchiha! And the guy inside my head says I love her! Deeply! And he said that I should ask bang-pig girl to pretend to go out with you so that she will love me! And I always listen to him because I am lame and single and know nothing at all!"
"What's in this for me?" Ino asked.
"Well, it puts Uchiha in the single status again," Neji said.
"…okay. But we're not doing stuff like kissing. My first kiss is with Sasuke, and Sasuke only!" Ino had a dreamy look in her eyes. "And it will be with the sunset in the background on a beach with the tide coming in and Sasuke will just have saved me from a clan of evil nin—"
"OKAY! Enough. No details." Neji said, putting up a hand.
"OH YEAH! AND I AM NOT BANG-PIG GIRL! MY NAME IS INO THE BEAUTIFUL!"
"ALRIGHT ALREADY!"
With Shikamaru…
"Troublesome…first dad wants me to troublesomely get troublesome carrots and now he wants me to troublesome do the troublesome Christmas troublesome tree…"
"Shika-kun!!!"
"TROUBLESOME WOMAN! STOP COMING TO OUR TROUBLESOME HOUSE!"
"But I came to see you, Shika-kun! I knew you would be really sweet and say that all you wanted for Christmas was for me to be with you! So I didn't get you anything! What did you get for me, Shika-kun?"
"…nothing."
"What did you say…?"
"Er, I mean that I got you these troublesome carrots." Shikamaru tossed her some of the carrots. Temari looked at them.
"HOW SWEET, SHIKA-KUN! THANK YOU, THANK YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISSYMAS?!"
"…I want…"
"YES! I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT! YOU WANT ME TO GET YOU ONE OF SANTA'S LITTLE ELVES! COME WITH ME, SHIKA-KUN, AND WE WILL GET A LITTLE ELF TOGETHER!" Temari sprang up and dragged Shikamaru along. "AND WE WILL GO BY SLED!"
"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! TROUBLESOME ELVES!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"