Winter's Sorrowful Glare
By Shimbo-kun
I lie in the snow, away from civilization, where I cry and reminisce over the past times. And from what I recall, I have never felt a pain like this. A pain that stretches through your lungs, to your brain, where finally it devours your heart whole, destroying all in it's path. I have never felt the pain of heart break, and after this night...I will never feel anything, anymore.
This all happened because I fell for someone, who was out of my reach. I guess you could call it a forbidden love, one that never should have ever existed. But, at one brief moment in time, it did, and you were mine, as I was yours. And in that brief time, I was content.
But as I said, it was a forbidden love, one that lasted briefly, and even so, he always mistreated me. I loved him, that was obvious, if he loved me...well, that is a mystery which will never be solved.
He had many barriers up, having a difficult time opening up to people. He had a temper with a short fuse, one which I often lit. But even so, I loved him. Even if he hated me, I loved him, and that is what made me come back all the countless times he threw me out of his house.
But then it happened. When I became famous, publicity drew us further apart. I was always touring, he writing, and in this period, countless numbers of things happened. The first being the numerous times the man was unfaithful. He was a womanizer, and preyed on week girls. He charmed them with his strut and when the girls were at their weakest, he went in for the kill, stealing their innocence. The same way he did it to me. But I was different.
I kept coming back, which never happened before, and through a series of hardships, accepted me as his. But the publicity, as I said before, tore us apart. Now that I was hardly ever at his side, he didn't have anybody to satisfy his manly needs and so he once again began his feast.
But I fought. I fought for my rightful title as his lover. All the times I was roared at, had the door slammed in my face, brutally insulted, I came back and never gave up. He probably found this an annoyance but, I did it all to be with him.
That was when he found out. The man I loved, found out of his sexual transmitted disease. When this occurred, the blind game I played as being his supposed lover had been thrown into another ballpark.
He began drinking and taking drugs. At first I didn't notice, as I was never in the house, but when I was there the usually clean and neat house was in shambles, a place that didn't resemble him at all...
But one day, on the rare occasions I was home, I cooked for him with all my heart and called him to let him know. But he never showed up. I waited for hours and hours, long after I knew he would never arrive. I had the worst thoughts of what might have happened coming up with radical things such as being kidnapped or killed, when I knew the reason.
When he came home, it was exactly 3:15 in the morning. He stood at the front door and I ran to greet him, not caring to mention of his tardiness. But as I approached him, I was brutally slapped with so much force that I fell to the ground.
I looked up to meet his eyes and I knew, right then and there, that my lover, that my Yuki was in deep psychological issues.
But I had no time to do anything, as he slammed the door behind me and proceeded to literally rip my clothes off. He threw the food I broke my back to make onto the floor, and raped me on the table. Even after the repeated "no's" and the "it hurts".
I was raped and that was that. But it didn't stop there. I was raped every time he came home drunk and high. But every time I still fixed the house, and broke my back on making food. And every time he threw the food on the ground and destroyed the house.
My life was now a living hell. One that I had personally created with my ignorance. I refused to believe that my Yuki would become like that, and I refused to believe that I would let him become like that. I was weak and because of that Yuki was a monster.
With all of that left aside, when he died is when disaster really hit home. He was drunk one night, and after an apparent fight with a drug dealer, he was shot, ten times, in the face. I was called in to identify the body, and when I saw the body, I had broken down. I let all my withheld emotions out, and I cried onto my best friends shoulder until my voice left me.
That's right, I lost my voice.
At this point I had nothing left, no Yuki, no singing career, no friends as my best one left me after he got sick of me. That is when I decided, I decided to go to my Yuki, waiting in the sky.
So here we are now. I guess you could call it ignorance, but I do believe that he is waiting for me, wherever he is. I do believe he will welcome me with open arms. I hope that I will finally be able to reach you. To finally be able to hold your hand forever. So that we could take one walk during a beautiful spring day, where we would make love in the highest passion, in the most beautiful garden anywhere, for all to see our love.
I lie in the snow, where I cry and reminisce about the past times. But I can not recall all the negative things, but only that of the positive ones. The few beautiful moments which are vivid in my mind even as my sight begins to fade. The few times you smiled at me and with me. The few times we made passionate love to one another. Those are the memories I recall, none of the negative ones. And my love, I have written you a poem, for you to remember.
On this earth, where you were always far from my reach,
I shall depart.
Soon I will arrive at our refuge,
Where I know,
That I will have the opportunity,
To reach out and grab your hand,
For the first time,
Because on the earth that I will soon depart,
I was never given a chance.
Now I have all of time,
To fulfill my final desire.
Afterwards I can fade away,
Into the darkness,
In which I can lie content...
"My love, I regret nothing..."
A/N: Wow that took a while to right. I will keep this a one shot because I can't really do anything more with it. Hope you liked it and please review!