Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Neji's Dream
Chapter One: Hair War I and Hair War II
Neji sighed and opened up the door to his room. He was exhausted, and he dearly needed some sleep. He plopped on his bed and looked up at the ceiling. It looked a lot like…
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Neji was falling through the dimensions of space and time. He fell down hard on his bottom and yelled.
"Oh, Lysander dear!"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" Neji fell down, with someone…something clamped around his middle. He looked down. He had a human corset.
"OH, LYSANDER DEAR!" It, to his horror, was Shikamaru, with a VERY long pineapple ponytail that could practically kill somebody. In fact, it had the corpse of some civilian on the end.
"Unhand my woman, you rogue!" Tenten, with her hair tied up into some sort of samurai bun, pointed at him. "Unhand the fairest Hermia!"
"OH DEMETRIUS!" Someone came up and clamped onto Tenten. It was Hinata.
"LET ME GO, YOU WITCH HELENA!"
So everyone had names now. Neji picked his mind while struggling to undo the whalebones/Shikamaru clamped around his middle.
"WAIT! THIS IS MIDSUMMER'S NIGHT DREAM, THE FAMOUS COMEDY BY SHAKESPEARE! WAIT, HINATA-SAMA! DO NOT DO THIS PLAY IT INVOLVES YOU KISSIN—NNNNOOOOOOOO!!! HIASHI WILL KILL ME!"
Hinata had already latched her lips on Tenten's…well, cheek. She missed.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!" Tenten yelled. "THE WITCH, STOLEN MY FIRST KISS!"
Neji was crying now. Hiashi was going to kill him for the following reasons:
He had let Hinata have her first kiss
He had been with her when she did
She had her first kiss with a girl
A girl that happened to be his teammate, Tenten
Who he told Hiashi was talented and sane
Neji cried.
"YOU CALL THAT LAME EXCUSE FOR A KISS A KISS?" Hinata leaned in again.
"I apologize, Shikamaru!" Neji cut Shikamaru's arms from him with a kunai. Shikamaru screamed. He bled…jelly.
Neji ran to Hinata and restrained her, and then watched the jelly form on the ground…into…people. Ino, Chouji, Lee, Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto, Shino, Kiba, Gaara, Temari, and Kankurou, to be correct. They were split up into three groups.
"I am Ino! I am the leader of the Great Hair band! Join us, Neji! With your ponytail we can beat all!" Ino said. "I shall give you the reasons! I am Ino! I am great! With my slicing knife/huge and attractive bang I can beat all of my opponents!"
"I am Lee! I am the youthful follower in the Great Hair Band! Join us, Neji! I am Lee, with my great mushroom haircut that can expand, I am shielded from all attacks! It is also very manly!"
"GOOD JOB, LEE!" a voice said from out of nowhere.
"GAI-SENSEI!"
"I am Chouji! I am a follower in the Great Hair Band! Join us, Neji! I am Chouji, and with my two spikes on either side of my head I can attack two opponents at once! It is also very cool!"
"I am Temari! I am a follower in the Great Hair Band, but I will soon be empress! Join us, Neji! I am Temari, and with my four great pigtails I am invulnerable!"
"I am Shikamaru!" Shikamaru got up, smiling, and for some reason with his arms again. "I am a follower in the Great Hair band! Join us, Neji! I am Shikamaru, and with my great pineapple ponytail of doom I can crush all of my adversaries!"
"Don't join Ino-pig, Neji! I am Sakura! I am the leader of the Large Forehead band! I am Sakura, and with my wondrous beauty I can distract my opponents while I finish them!"
"I am Sasuke…hn…"
"Just like we practiced, Sasuke-kun!"
"I am Sasuke! I am a follower of the beautiful Sakura! I am Sasuke, and the sun glints off my hitai-ate and blinds my opponent while I finish them!"
"I am Naruto! I am a servant of the beautiful Sakura! I am Naruto, and I fan Sakura!"
"That guy," Sakura pointed, "Is Shino. He attacks people with his man-eating bugs."
"I'm Kankurou! I am a follower of the beautiful Sakura! I am Kankurou, and with my great ugliness I distract my opponents while I finish them!"
"I'm Kiba," Kiba pointed at Gaara. "And this is Gaara. We're neutral because both sides are led by bloodthirsty females."
Gaara nodded. "YOU HAVE MOUNTAIN DEW, CUZ!?"
Neji stared. And stared. And stared. And stared until the world became square.
"TWIN RISING DRAGONS!" Tenten yelled and then the rest of the people, the Neutrals, the Great Hair Band and the Large Forehead band disappeared. Except Shikamaru, who latched back onto Neji. Neji crawled over to Hinata. Then Hinata jumped up and yelled, "NEJI! I LOVE YOU NEJI!"
"AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
Tenten bounced up. "NEJI! I HATE YOU NEJI!"
Neji groaned. And then Shikamaru squeezed him to death and he was hurtling through space and time again. He landed, plop, on his face.
He looked up. Tenten was walking up wearing a long robe. Her head was very shiny. She was bald. Ino and Hinata came up, too, bald (except Ino had a huge and attractive bang.) Sakura came up, too. She was bald. Temari, too, and the girl, Kin, bald as little babies. Tenten took out a razor. The baldiness shined and blinded Neji. Then he heard a war cry.
"FOR THE HAIR AND THE BOYS!"
"FOR THE BALDINESS AND THE GIRLS!"
Kiba, with a great shaggy mane and samurai clothing ran up, followed by Naruto with long, spiky hair, Shino with a great afro, Shikamaru with his huge pineapple ponytail, Kankurou with a great, great large Mohawk, and Lee, or what looked like Lee, with a very, very large mushroom haircut that covered his body.
"SURRENDER, AND GROW HAIR ONCE MORE!" Kiba shouted.
"NEVER!"
Neji noticed that Gaara, Sasuke, Chouji, Zaku, and Dosu were staying clear away from the fight going on.
"YOU WILL NOT SHAVE NEJI'S GLORIOUS HAIR OFF! IT IS VERY GLORIOUS!" Kankurou shouted.
"WE WILL AND HE WILL BECOME A NUN!" Hinata yelled.
"YOU MEAN A MONK?"
"Wait, Neji's a boy?" Sakura asked. "Wait…but that long ponytail…and the ribbon…like Kin's until she succumbed to being a nun…"
"HE HAS TO BE! PEOPLE MUST HAVE JUST MISTAKEN HIM AS A BOY AT BIRTH!" Kin shouted.
A very large vein was ticking in Neji's forehead, and now it exploded. Sakura and Kin lay dead on the ground within minutes.
"IT IS A VERY MANLY PONYTAIL!"
"YOU HAVE TRICKED HIM! YOU HAVE MADE HIM TURN AGAINST HIS OWN!" Tenten cried. "LIARS! LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE SITTING ON A TELEPHONE WIRE!"
"WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD SIT ON A TELEPHONE WIRE?!"
"BIRDS!"
"OKAY! GO MEDITATE!"
"NEVER! THIS IS WAR, YOU EVIL WAR CAUSING BOYS!"
"FINE THEN!"
The girls, or what remained of them, threw off their robes. Neji looked away. Then he peeked. There they stood, clad in armor like that of knights in the Middle Ages.
"PERVERT!" Tenten threw something at him. It was the razor. It hacked off the bottom half of his ponytail.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"THIS IS WAR!" the boys and the girls began to fight. The spectators, or Gaara, Sasuke, Chouji, Dosu and Zaku watched.
"Byakugan!" Neji activated his veiny eyes. Perhaps he'd be able to kill them all without getting a scratch.
Then he saw a huge, huge smiley face, and it got bigger and then its mouth opened and swallowed him. He screamed.
"SMILEY FACE!"
He was hurtling through space and time once more, and landed with a sickening plop.
"NEJI!"