Sarah Stubbs tries to fix things. She always has.
She fixes her own dinner from a very young age. She fixes her dinner when her mother yells from the usual spot on the couch that she's "too tired" to deal with feeding her and when her father is too tired from working all day and from dealing with her mother. Eventually, she just fixes their dinners as well. She loves them. She's happy to help. And while her mother isn't always kind, and her father isn't always attentive, Sarah- even that young- feels that love shouldn't be conditional. She loves them no matter what.
One sweltering July night when Sarah is 10, her mother tells them she's had enough. Enough of Sarah, enough of her father, and enough of living in what she deemed "squalor." She says she had found another man- "One that can afford some fucking air conditioning in his house" and tells them she's leaving.
When her mother speeds off into the night, taking their car and their dog with her, Sarah's father spends the night in the kitchen crying out "Margie!" between sobs and deep pulls from the bottle. Sarah stays up the rest of the night in the living room trying to fix the small air-conditioning unit in the window down there. She can't fix it, but she keeps trying.
She keeps that small, broken air conditioner. She takes it when she moves out. She brings it to college, to her first apartment, and beyond. She never stops trying to fix it.
During her high school years, Sarah fixes many things. She now fixes breakfast, lunch AND dinner for her father as well as things around the house. For a while, things stay together. Seem to stay together. Once in a while, he slips, calls her "Margie", but is quick to apologize. "I'm sorry dear. You just look so much like her sometimes…" Sarah doesn't mind, she just goes on fixing things for them. She's happy to. She loves her dad.
She goes on fixing things but the problem is that every time she re-nails a floorboard or tightens a faucet, 4 more things seem to break. She tries to fix her father too. She insists they go out for ice cream, once a week, after diner, while there's still light out. Sarah loves the last rays of sunshine of the day- she loves the way the warm colors slowly fade to darker ones- the promise of a new day just around the corner. She feels like these outings might help her father- who seems reticent to leave the house more and more these days. As time goes though, he begins refusing these outings. When he does go, and they sit with their ice cream cones as dusk falls, he looks almost pained. Like he can't stand to see how bright the world can be, and can't bare to watch it turn to dark. Like he can't fathom a world that keeps on turning without her.
Sarah loves her father and she even still loves her mother- though she hasn't heard from her since that hot July night. Love isn't conditional. It's free, and in her mind, if she has that love, why not share it?
Eventually, her father stops talking to her. Avoids her. He doesn't eat the meals she makes, and certainly doesn't leave the house for ice cream. He loses his job. He loses weight. He loses himself. He does not lose Sarah. However, one Tuesday, a week before her high school graduation, he asks Sarah to leave. Leave for good. "You look too much like her now. I- I just can't," he says.
Sarah couldn't fix it, but she keeps trying. She calls her father once a week, 5pm every Sunday- the same time she used to make a slightly nicer dinner for the family each week. She sticks to her schedule and continues to call the house each week. She calls the home the doctors eventually place him in, as well. She always calls. He answers but never says anything. The nurses say sometimes- but not always- he smiles for a few minutes after he hangs up. They say it's the only time they ever see him smile.
In college, Sarah studies to be a nurse. She wants to fix things. Her sophomore year, she meets a man named Matthew. Matthew studies computer engineering at the local technical school and has a software program he is working on. They date for only 4 months before she moves in. Matthew drops out of school to pursue his software full time- traveling around pitching it to different companies.
They're young and everything is brilliant and golden. That's they way it was when he proposes near the lake, on a warm June day, after only dating 9 months. They get married the following week. Their apartment is small and shabby and Sarah's air conditioner still doesn't work but Matthew says it's perfect and they have all they need. She loves him.
Matthew is on the road 6 days a week trying to sell his software. He makes it his full time ambition and Sarah is happy to help. Money is tight, so she drops out and picks up a job at a local department store. She works the same 6 days a week that Matthew is gone. She fixes big dinners on Sunday nights when he comes home.
One Sunday, Matthew doesn't return. She leaves several messages on his cell phone and eventually he calls back. He says he sold his software 2 weeks ago. He says he met someone else 2 months ago. He says won't be coming home this Sunday. Or any Sundays after that.
She finds his address on the Internet and sends him a letter. He sends divorce papers back. Sarah still loves him. She sees no reason why anything should change that.
She gets some money in the divorce. It's not a lot, but it's enough to buy a small house of her own in Scarborough- near where her dad's care home is now. Just in case he calls. She begins taking nursing classes again. She still likes to fix things, so she volunteers in the community. She does Habitat for Humanity. She helps cook and serve dinner each Sunday at the local soup kitchen. She helps make sets and props and costumes for the local community center's theater program.
That's how she meets Alison Hendrix. Alison seems different than the other women at the community center. Alison actually sees and acknowledges Sarah. Alison talks to her. In fact, it's Alison who encourages Sarah to come out from behind the scenery and try out for the new musical, "Blood Ties". Sometimes they have lunch together.
The closer she gets, the more Sarah comes to realize that despite her outward appearance, Alison is rather broken as well. Then Ainsley died, and Alison falls apart even more. Falls apart and then literally falls off the stage on their opening night performance.
Sarah will be there for her. She cares about her and loves her. Alison is Sarah's friend. So Sarah visits Alison on Family Day at rehab, and she's calls her often to chat while she's there. Alison always answers. Alison's voice is high and tight over the line- controlled as ever- but by the end of each conversation there always seems to be a bit more ease in her speech and Sarah feels like maybe it's helping. Maybe it' helps to know someone cares.
To Sarah, love isn't something to keep to yourself. It's not a finite resource- it's not some ancient fossil fuel to be horded, in fear that if you keep using it or giving it away one day there simply isn't won't be any more.
To Sarah, love is like the trees she plants on Arbor Day each year. When you plant a tree it has its own seeds. And when those seeds drop, if nurtured, they can grow more trees. So you keep planting seeds- as many seeds as you can. Some won't make it- most don't- but sometimes, if you're lucky, they do. And maybe if you plant enough, someday you can grow a whole forest.
That's what Sarah does. She keeps loving because she knows that while not everyone and everything she pours her love into will accept it or flourish because of it, it's worth doing. It's worth it because if her loving and caring can make a difference, it has even the slightest possibility to do so- than why the heck wouldn't she try?
Sarah doesn't know Alison's full story and she's not sure exactly what has caused her friend to be so broken. What she can see is that Alison is a good person- even if Alison herself can't see it herself. And maybe Sarah can't fix her either, but she won't stop trying.