The stars glittered smugly and danced obscenely amongst the dark navy expanse of the sky that seemed as smooth as satin and as tempting as satan. The large half-moon shone gleefully, sticking out like a sore thumb in the rather peaceful sky and sending waves of moonbeams cascading across the lolling fields and empty courtyards surrounding Hogwarts. The wind whipped past Sirius, sending his robes billowing out behind him like a cape in a superhero film and ruffling his hair to the point where it almost rivalled James's bird nest that he claimed was 'hair', and that it was supposed to be styled that way.
Sirius tilted his head back, closing his eyes as he felt sobs bubble out of him despite how hard the aristocrat tried his best to muffle them. He used his cloak sleeve to wipe away his tears, cursing himself for being such a wuss. He dropped his clenched hands to his sides as he stood up on the ledge, forcing himself not to look down because he knew that if he did, he'd loose the little nerve he currently possessed and end up going back to the dormitory where he'd be treated to James's pity glances and Remus's cold shoulder.
Remus...Sirius laughed brokenly, a warbling sound that echoed deep into the night, seemingly disappearing into the forest to dance with the creatures that lurked in the dark, maybe once it was there, it would find Sirius's self-respect and maybe his dignity as well if he was lucky. He's not usually lucky. No...that's a lie. He was lucky enough to catch Remus, to fall for his wonderful endearing crooked smiles with a little too much teeth and a crinkle on his ever-so-freckled nose, to stumble in love with his quirky personality, the one that was so quiet and wonderful and so goddamn brilliant-because Remus was brilliant-insanely brilliant and Sirius was so bloody lucky to have him, to hold him and kiss his soft, sweet lips just a few times before it happened.
Because something-something always had to happen, didn't it? Sirius could never just enjoy the moment, never have time for Remus with out someone seeing-and god knows what would happen to them then. But did he miss it, the temptation of long fingers playing with his once curly and long hair that was now greasy and unkempt. He longed for the feeling of loneliness and self-loathing to be replaced with the giddiness of the situation that came with being in love. In love with Remus, his best friend, his first love, the one person who probably understood him better than any one else.
It was brilliant, it had been heart-stoppingly brilliant and Sirius had been filled with a whole new sort of light that seemed to pour from his fingertips like the beams of the sun. His good moods had lasted for weeks on end because he knew that once they were in they were in the privacy of their dormitory that the pale canvas of Remus's body would be open to his prying eyes.
And then came Snape. And he'd-he'd demanded to know what was going on, demanded it. And at first Sirius had told him where to stick it, but then the blithering git had started writing to Eileen Snape, who in turn wrote a very long, very patronising letter to Walburga Black saying how very 'sorry' she was to have a-a gay in the family, and that if she needed support then she would be right here for her.
Another slightly manic laugh forced it's way through Sirius's chapped lis to fade into the darkness with it's sibling, Sirius brought his hands up to pat the still healing bruises, mother hadn't been best pleased with Sirius's new 'enlightenment'. And Sirius, Sirius had just been desperate to prove her wrong, that he was normal and straight and all the thing that she wanted him to be, because after all these years he still longed for her approval for anything. But she's kicked him out, and he'd ended up on James's front doorstep with a half-full trunk and a half-empty bottle of firewhiskey.
And he'd blamed Remus.
He'd blamed the most perfect being he'd ever had the pleasure to even glimpse at-and he'd punished him. He'd told Snape! Because Snape had been pushing and prodding on the wounds Sirius's heart wore like medals-he snapped! He'd just snapped. He told Snape how to get into the shrieking shack, what to look for-and to be honest, a little part of him wasn't even sorry. A little part of him wanted Snape to die-wanted him to feel as much pain as he had when his mother-his mother that Sirius had hated-hated with all his broken fragments of his heart had kicked him out of his supposed home, with his dad's cruel green eyes and Regulus's scared frown masked with his disappointed face watching from the living room window.
Remus had been heartbroken, there had been no sharp words, no lashing out, just quietness, filled with soft pleas of "Oh merlin-please don't leave me Remus, I'm so sorry I don't know I love you, I love you, I love you-" and Sirius's wretched sobbing filling the space where his angel just stared blankly at the wall behind Sirius's head and asked him quietly, oh so-quietly, if he'd mind leaving him alone for a bit.
That was almost two months ago, and Sirius was going quietly insane. James was speaking to him, after two weeks of hexing and throwing punches at an unresisting Sirius, and Peter never truly left his side, the ever loyal rat. But Remus, well Remus had barely acknowledged his presence. And the only thing that radiated from Sirius nowadays-was the shadows that were ever-present in his non-sleeping mind. And he was exhausted and hungry and heartbroken and cold and so many feelings and emotions rolled into one that turned him into a gasping, sobbing mess that was only a shell of what he used to be, because he was useless-bloody useless without his Rem.
Which led him to here, atop of the astronomy tower with the wind whirling past him as he shuffled forward, the drop down was large as he had expected it to be, but it didn't stop him from gasping aloud, he squeezed his eyes shut again and clenched his fists, he deserved this, it was all his fault-his fault-his fault that Remus hated him, couldn't even look him in the bloody eyes because he told Snape-he told him Remus's biggest secret out of spite and now look where he is.
He lifts one foot, completely ready for the darkness to swirl around him and take him to whatever place he deserves, or whatever place is next, when he hears him, and he knows that it's him because it's Remus and like he could ever forget him-"Please...please come away from the edge, Sirius." He says, his velveteen voice frantic and slightly shaky to the point of where it cracks somewhere during 'Sirius. The ebony-haired man puts his foot down, but doesn't turn to face Remus, because he knows that his cheeks are still wet and he doesn't want Remus to know that-Remus doesn't deserve the pain that comes with knowing Sirius Orion Black.
Because all he ever brings is pain.
"I'm sorry, Remus." He whispers, and at first he doesn't know if Remus's hears him because the words are trapped in his throat along with a thousand anxious breaths and several million unsaid apologies that he needs to get out, but then a choked sob reaches his ears that he knows is Remus. He tries to turn to face him, needing to comfort him but he moves too sharply and rocks tumble off the small edge he's on and he's suddenly aware of how high up he genuinely is. Remus yelps and lunges for him, his long fingers enclosing the black fabric of Sirius's cloak, but Sirius thankfully regains his balance and Remus's grasp slides away from him, leaving Sirius colder than the wind could ever make him.
"Sirius-please..." Remus trails off and Sirius stares down at him, towering over him and realising just how demonic he must seem right now. His pale cheeks are stained with tear drops and the only thing illuminating the astronomy tower is several small candles, a lantern Remus carries and the moon. Sirius breathes in short , shuddering gasps that just make tears fall faster and thicker because-really? How hard would it be to just fall backwards and let gravity take its course.
His eyes must show this, as Remus grabbed for his wrist and held on firmly. "Sirius, come-come down from there, okay? Okay Sirius? You've got to come down-" Remus choked on sobs and he attempted to continue despite the tears that Sirius was entranced by as they trickle down his scarred cheeks, "-oh merlin, please come down beautiful-please, please Sirius, I need love-I love you-oh merlin-please Sirius!" Remus begs and Sirius goes slightly limp at his words, falling forward into Remus's open embrace and making the boy drop the lantern as both his arms come up to wrap around him protectively, and Sirius welcomes the familiar smell of chocolate and ink as he pushes his nose into Remus's shoulder, his legs weak and shaky as he cried.
"I'm sorry-" he repeated brokenly, shivering against the warmth of Remus's soft body through his robes, "I'm so sorry-I'm so sorry-I just-I can't-I'm sorry-" he whimpered, the world seeming less harsh-less painful-less cold when he was wrapped tight in Remus's arms like a particularly favourite blanket, keeping him safe from what could've been if Remus hadn't of came in time.
"Ssh-ssh, I know Sirius, I've got you. I've got you." Remus soothes, stroking a hand through Sirius's unkempt locks and subconsciously backing sways from the ledge, towards the entrance, where he slid down the wall with Sirius falling onto his lap, sobs still escaping the ebony haired man. Remus cradled him close to his chest, rocking back and forth like he used to do when Sirius woke up screaming for a nightmare, on the inside so completely relieved that Sirius had come away from the edge because he'd asked him too, !: can't image if he'd-if he'd-if. Sirius is still shuddering against him, with clipped breaths that sounded for too harsh to be healthy for Remus's ears.
"Deep breaths Sirius...in and out, in and out..." Remus guides him softly and Sirius nods, sniffling loudly and wincing at the horrible noise that it creates. Remus closes his eyes and rests his chin on Sirius's shoulder. He didn't know what to think would've happened if he hadn't been watching the map at the time, desperately tracing his finger along Sirius Black's scurrying figure and his eyebrows furrowing together when he sees it on its place on top of the tower. The lighter-haired boy had followed and was so glad he did.
"'m sorry Rem. 'M sorry." Sirius cries desperately and Remus nods, kissing his wet cheeks. "Forget it Sirius. Forget it all. It's just you and me. Just you and me."
Sirius Black peers up at Remus Lupin and instead of disgust, disappointment and despair, he finds love, acceptance and forgiveness.
"Rem?" He questions softly and the boy moves closer, nodding, understanding his unspoken question. He dips his head down and their lips meet, it's soft and gentle but it's passionate and beautiful all the same.
And maybe the stars dance a bit brighter when they resurface, when their reflected in Remus's amber eyes, and maybe the world doesn't seem so big when it's narrowed down to the pair of them.
"Please...Sirius-don't ever-"
"I won't."
"I couldn't live-"
"I know, Rem."
"It's us. Y'know. It's always been us. It's always going to be us. And if you...left then I couldn't-"
"I'm not going to. "
"Never?."
"Never."
A/N I've had a horrid day. I've just started fourth year and am in a new class. It's been four days and someone is yet to speak to me. I hate it. I hate it I hate it. Also, apologies for long wait. I've been busy. Sorry. Please review. I know it's sad but I'm sad. So deal.
-Lupin3black