BEGINNINGS
"…..I love you. I love you with everything that I am, that my love for you would always gives me strength to fight all odds…." Those words are my treasure, it had remained unspoken for a very long time. Until I completely forgot the weight of those words, the feelings behind them. Not when I was still with Shin. Up until now I had always thought that I had enough of this thing called love. I never noticed until now that all I need is to hear his voice and my world would start to spin again. Everything begun when I met him. It's chilling how merely his voice could suck me into oblivion, bringing me closer and closer to my edge. It hurts so much to think that we used to be together, that this same voice used to call my name with such a passion, with such love. Now it calls other people's name except my own.
It seems surreal, it's like dream. That I used to be with this person. Maybe it's best if I didn't come. Maybe it was better if I didn't persist that I need to see him for the last time. Because this was really harder than I thought. We used to travel in one axis, one path. Now he belongs to a different world apart from my own. And no matter how hard I tried, I cannot understand him anymore like I used to. Like he suddenly learned a different language that I have no knowledge of, that no matter what reference book I look, or how hard I tried, I failed to understand him anymore.
But my heart is not destroyed yet and we still have time. This is selfish of me. I know this must be painful for him to bear. But I'd die without Shin, he is my strength. No matter what the words I had said before, I couldn't stand being away from him even for just a second. Every millisecond is like my life is ebbing away.
More…I want to hear his voice more. I want to hug him tight and let him live in me. I want Shin to be the last vision I see when I close my eyes, the last voice I hear when everything starts to grow silent. I want Shin and only Shin till my body breathes its last.
I don't know when it began, when we started to drift away from each other. It just happened. We pretended that nothing was happening for awhile. We pretended that there was no wall that was separating us. But each night, we would crawl to our sides of the bed, cautious of the other, not wanting to touch or feel each other's skin. That would seem like the ocean that we would be so far from each other, but back in the old days, we hardly move from each other's side, arms wrap around each other, heads together, breathing in time with the other, like we are one person, molded and blended to be a pair made to one.
Who would have thought that you could hurt the one you love? That you would come up with all the excuses in the world to make you believe that there's no harm in what you are about to do. That it's a challenge to yourself, to test your love, to test how strongly you feel for this other person. I love Shin. I love him with the depth and breathe of my soul, I vow to die for him. But what did I do? Why did I do that? I cheated. And the hurt came slamming on my face the minute he found out about it. I felt his hurt, his pain. How could you? He asked me over and over again. "How could you do this to me?" Those words haunted me like a nightmare that would not go away. I don't have the answers, my excuses were weak, I can't even convince even myself.
When it began, when I plotted for my horrible deed, it seemed so harmless. That I kept convincing myself that its just for fun. I was bored and I'm not doing anything wrong. That I could always back out. Those were the thoughts that were running through my head that time. The time when I was so happy, the time that I thought that Shin was the wonderful being that ever came in my life. And in one blink of an eye, it was over.
The laptop at home has no password, and we know each other's passwords, we trusted each other with everything. We kept no secret from each other. Or so he thought so. It began one afternoon, tinkering over the laptop, bored out of my wits. I decided to join an online dating site and I stumble upon a couple who were having a problem in their relationship. The one seeking advice was a cutie, and I couldn't resist to chat him up. We began talking to each other. At first it was okay. The cutie was just asking for an advice about his partner, but then we started hitting it off and began asking personal questions about each other. I lied about mine. I told the other guy that I wasn't serious with Shin, that things are not going well with us either and that maybe we could hook up. That time, I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking that what I was doing was wrong. That of all the people in the world, and of all the couples in the world, why is it that the cutie that I was chatting up was a very close friend of Shin, who not only knows about me but also knows what I look like.
The world cave in on me, when one afternoon, that supposedly "meeting" with this cutie that I was chatting up online came, that instead of him, it was Shin who showed up. I was so wrong. So bad, so horrible that I felt I deserve more punishment from Shin. But my love was an angel. He didn't shout or slap me, but his tears were enough to tear my heart apart. I did this to him. I did this to the person whom I said over and over again, I love with my life.
That was all he said, "How could you do this to me? How could you?" I was so ashamed of myself, that there are no rock that I can crawl underneath, that there are no wall that could hide me. I could kneel, cry and beg all I want but it wouldn't be enough. Even if I tear out one of my eye, severe my arm or leg, it wouldn't be enough for forgiveness for what I have done.
In the end, he forgave me. He didn't made me suffer long. And no matter how much he convinced me that it was okay, that I was forgiven. What he said made me want to die in shame, want to kill myself for doing it to someone I said I love. He believed in me. To him I was this great person whom he looks up to. He said that I changed him, that I made him to be a better person than he was before. That I took him out of his shell. He was insecure and I gave him confidence. I wish I left him where he was. I wish I didn't love him. If I was going to end up hurting him, I wish I left him in his shell and have him wait for that one person who is far more deserving than a horrible person like me.
How could I deserve you? I often asked myself. I was so overwhelmed at how you see me. The impact of your love often blow me away. Sometimes I find it hard to breath whenever I think of you. You are truly beautiful, and I scarred and marred that beauty that you hold with my lies, deception and insecurity. I have it all, and I destroyed it in one night. I deserve what you did. And I wish you would have done more to help me atone for what I have done. Although for you it was just a hurdle that we would surpass, it is another peg that we needed to secure to hold the foundation of our love. But I was the one who destroyed that foundation, cut them down, shook it and let it fall. I deserved to be left behind, I deserve all the harsh words you might want to utter. But you never said them. You were too kind and those lips are too innocent to utter such harsh words.
MIDDLES
I woke up one morning, and saw him quietly packing his suitcase. I couldn't stop him, I don't know the words to say to make him stay. Then after that, I keep having these weird dreams like they were real. I would wake up at this certain time and day and Shin would be laying beside me. Then when night time came and I sleep, the next day he would be gone like the morning he left. Is this my atonement for making him leave? For hurting him? But it felt so real, every dream I have felt so real. Like I have came back in time and reenact that certain moment over and over again, like I am rehearsing for a play, and every time I wake up they would change the scripts on me. Then every time I wake my reaction and the situation would be different over and over again. I had cried a thousand tears. I had written a million letters to profess to him all my love, and that I would never ever hurt him again.
In my dreams, it would always end up meeting him, it would always be different, the lines would be different, the reaction would be different. But I would always be desperate to try to win him back that even though I know I was the last person who deserves a second chance, I still try and like a recurring dream, I would always wake up in the middle of it, not hearing what Shin would say to me. Or what reply or answer he would give me.
The day he left, I sat up on the bed and dug up the box with all his letters. I read each and every one of them. I would look at our pictures, and his pictures, touch all those familiar memories we have shared. Every single item holds a memory of our love. An old button, movie tickets, a piece of napkin with little notes or doodles on them. This was our love. In this big box, holds the love we had built together. All those years, all those memories. Each paper echoing feelings, dreams, promises, hopes and devotion. In these pages lies the memories of two people who had loved each other with everything they got. In these pages was my Shin. My innocent, loving and sweet angel Shin whom God was so kind enough to lend me one of his angels, and I was worse enough not only to pluck his wings but ripped his halo off. I have destroyed one of God's creation, and instead of cherishing him, I brutalized him with my lies and deceit. How could I have deserve an angel like Shin?
I cried. I cried reading his letters to me. My chest hurts from the pent up emotions, I wish I could take a knife and carve his name to my chest. That I belong to him, that there would never be another. That even if he didn't come back. I would stay rooted where he left me.
I fell asleep again, atop the mountain of memories. And for my proper punishment, I woke up with Shin right there sleeping beside me like before. The scary thing about my dreams is, Shin had no memory of him ever leaving, or these dreams always happen before he leaves. Like a premonition or like I said, my atonement, that I was doomed to reenact this eve of his departure. Like my dream is trying to tell me something. Or giving me a chance to set things right.
After the third time it happened, I finally stopped asking the dream Shin anything. And instead try everything I could to win him back or make him stay. And when that supposedly time that I would get his reply, I would always wake up.
During the day I would always think things through, plan what I'm supposed to do before I meet Shin again in my dream. There was a time I thought I was losing my mind because I kept having this almost realistic dream, and despite the many version of it, I always wake up before I find out what happens in the end. Could it be that God was giving me a chance to mend what I have destroyed? Sew back the wings I have pulled and try to put back the halo on my angel Shin's head. But whatever it is, or for whatever reasons there is that I have this recurring dream, I would do everything I can to show him how sorry I am and how much I really love him.
I woke up again with him beside me. He was still sleeping when I sat up, I move closer and ever so gently so as not to wake him, kiss his brows, knowing that maybe only in these dreams I would have my chance again. I got up and made breakfast. Ever since the incident, I had stayed away from the laptop. I turned to be the person that Shin was, withdrawn, insecure and kept to himself. I would spend my days either watching TV or reading. I would go to work and keep everything at work at a professional level, turn down invites from other people. Shin was always the same. Though now that he had forgiven, no matter how normal the surface is of our relationship, there was already a permanent crack, and the foundation is shaky. I got only myself to blame for this. And despite his kindness. I could feel him growing out of love, and moving further and further away from me. And no matter I cling on, the guilt kept eating away at my insides that I didn't try to hold on to him, knowing that I deserve to be left behind.
Shin would always smile at me, like he had always smile at me for the last twenty one years of our lives, his warmth would always envelop me like an embrace. But after everything, I seldom see that smile, and in case that I see a shadow of it, it would always look empty and pained. He won't hold me or touch me like he had always done. Sometimes he won't even look at me or talk to me. There are times, I felt like I was invisible that in this three bedroom apartment, there is only one occupant and I am just an invisible observer. I remember that guy that I was trying to hook up with, this was his problem and it was ironic now that I'm going through the same thing. But the only difference is, with the other guy, it was his partner who cheated, and in ours, it was me. Shin's friend was trying to put back together their relationship. As for me, I was feeling so guilty that I never tried, that I was ready to take whatever Shin handed to me or whatever he decide. With this second chance, this recurring dream, I would try this time. I would try to keep him and make him stay.
Shin's reactions were always different. There are times I would be filled with hope, that there could be a chance that we could put this behind us. But most of the time, my premonition of his leaving would occur to me.
I couldn't find the words. For the life of me, even if it would save my life and my sanity. I couldn't find the words to say. My mind would go blank, and I would always end up watching him leave. But what does he really want? What does Shin really need? Do I really still deserve to have a place in his heart? Am I worthy to be loved and trusted again? Though no matter how many times I have sworn that I would never do it again. And despite my efforts of trying to mend my ways, I always feel that it wasn't enough.
I was so troubled and tired of this recurring dream. I wanted it to end. I felt that if this goes on, I would probably end up losing my mind. I have already lost Shin along time ago. And it would be up to him if he decided to give me a second chance or not. I felt so alone and conflicted, that I end up in a church. I sought answers. Guidance. And at the same time, forgiveness. Shin had forgiven me, I sought out the almighty one's forgiveness.
I was sitting there. The silence was deafening. But I needed it. I was almost afraid to fall asleep at night. That no matter how I try to stay awake, I would end up in this endless dream. I have reached my end. I don't know if I can still feel anything every time I see Shin. Sometimes I wish I would never wake up, that I have paid my dues that it was time to stop this recurring payback. I do believe that whatever Shin had been feeling, now I am feeling it too.
A hand touched my shoulder, when I looked up, there was a priest standing there.
"You look troubled, my son. Care to lighten your burden?" he asked, as he sat down beside me.
I looked at him, with tears streaming down my face. At first I shook my head. But when he touched my hand, all the words came spilling out, relating to him all that has happened to me and my lover and best friend. And to the recurring dream that had sucked me in an endless maze of different versions of my atonement. I stuttered, I choked, but I said it all, leaving nothing, bearing my soul, bearing my sins and my pain. And then I asked for forgiveness. For guidance as to how to get him back or to put an end to this dream and laid the pain to rest.
He looked at me with a sympathetic nod, not interrupting me as he listened intently to my story.
And this is what he got to say to me after I was done,
"There are so many unexplainable things that happens in the world. What you went through is something that only you can explain. You have to face your fear, and accept the consequences of your actions. Forgiveness may seemed unattainable, but I think you already have that. Your friend have longed forgiven you for what you have done. Maybe both of you need is distance to find your way again back to each other. You have lost your faith, in yourself and in God. This may be a reminder to you to trust in him. That he would always forgive, that he would always understand despite of everything you have done, he would always welcome you and accept you with open arms. That is how he loves each and every one of us." He said, and smiled, patting my hand.
"As for the other answer you seek, only you would know what it is. Only you would put an end to this trouble and this pain. Just learn to accept and have faith in God once more. If you think you are alone, look back, and you would see, that despite of what you think, you are not alone. He had been carrying you all along. Be strong. And have faith. God would provide." He said.
ENDS
I went home, for the first time feeling at peace and light. The priest was right. Only I know the answer. I would come and meet Shin once more in my dream. And maybe when I wake up, I would come and talk to him in person.
I woke up once more in the dream world. This time, Shin was packing again. I got up and walk over to him. And hugged him for the first time since the incident. And kissed his cheek lightly.
"Thank you, Shin. For everything you have done for me. Despite of all the things I have done to you, you gave me the chance to love you. Thank you for all the memories, the smiles, the hugs and the kisses. For all the understanding, for all the firsts you entrusted to me, you have given me everything more than I deserve. I will do my best to be what I used to be, I will do my hardest to reinvent myself once more to be worthy enough to be loved by you once again. I won't promise you that I won't make the same mistakes again, but before everything, I would always talk to you first, I would show you everything that I am and everything that I would ever be. I won't hide to you my insecurities, my flaws and fears. I would try to be strong and be the man that is worthy enough to love you. I can only be me. But this me would improve himself, to deserve the angel that God lent to me." I said this to him with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. I didn't realize I was holding his hand.
Shin gave my hand a squeeze. "I love you. You are the only love I know. I can't say that I wasn't still hurt for what you did, but the you that I know had gave me the strength to forgive you. But give me time. I need to be alone and sort myself out. And if you feel you are ready for me, you know where to find me." Shin said, and leaned forward and kiss me.
When I woke up the next day I felt refresh like the past week of this recurring dream never happened that I was only waking up just now and had finally found my answer. I cleaned up the house. I remembered it all vividly now, and remembered the words spoken. I got the keys to the car and drove to Shin's parents' house to pick him up. I have finally found my strength and my answer. And this time I am ready to start a new life, solidify once more the foundation of our love. That no matter what storms may come, no matter what earthquake would occur to shake the foundation, with my and Shin's love, it would hold up to whatever things would come our way. Love will always find a way.
The End