"Hon, you've really got to get over this," That was Paige, staring down at me with these cat eye glasses she'd taken to wearing. She had a sheer pink scarf wrapped around her neck, a jacket, jewelry. She was busy. I closed my eyes against the sun, put my palm flat against the stone wall I was sitting on and I could feel the slight heat that was trapped there from the sun. Paige and I had only recently gotten back on good terms.
"Yeah, well, I can't," This was Craig, and the disaster that had been our relationship. I bit my lip. That wasn't true. It had been lovely and tender and beautiful, and I loved him with deep parts of myself that I didn't know existed. He made me feel complete. The disaster had been the fact that he was cheating on me. That had been the disaster.
Paige looked down at me, and I supposed she had reason to feel superior. Spinner followed her around like a little puppy dog on a leash. Craig had never been that kind of boyfriend. Sure, he'd get me hot chocolate and buy me little things and call my cell phone and I'd shiver when I heard his voice in my ear. But he kept this distance that intrigued me and infuriated me and made me want him all the more. Craig was complex. Spinner? He was about as complex as a connect the dots picture.
"Ash? Hon? You've got to move on," Paige sat next to me, and I felt the slight heat from her body next to mine. I swallowed hard, blinked my eyes and looked away from her, looked into the distance at the school, at the road beyond. Anywhere I looked Craig could be there, suddenly appearing there like some black magic apparition.
"How?" I said, looking her square in the eye. How did you put your heart back together when it had been demolished, turned to powder? Turned to something unrecognizable? How did you rebuild the trust that had been severed so neatly one day? How did you get yourself back to that happy unsuspecting girl who never saw the ax swinging over her head?
"Well…" Paige began, but she had nothing. She liked to pretend she had most of the answers, but really, like the rest of us, she had almost none of them. Still, I was touched that she would try to consul me, try to get me to see the light. I saw it. I knew I should forget him, move on, get over this. That would be great. I'd like nothing more. I almost feel like there's two of me. There's the me that's disgusted with him, the me that dumped him, that snatched back the guitar he didn't deserve, and that girl is shaking her head, hands on her hips as the other me cries and longs for him. Just one more touch. One more caress, one kiss. If I could look into his eyes just once more.
"Keep busy," she suggested hopefully, and I suppressed the urge to laugh. Sure, that was the answer. But down time was built into my day. All those hours staring out of classroom windows, thinking of the way his voice sounds when he's embarrassed. Thinking of the way he ducks his head before he leans in to kiss me. I was starting to feel obsessed. Obsessed with what I had. Now, though, I couldn't stand to look at him. I was so angry with him. How could he, how could he do that? I trusted him. I allowed him into my life, into my heart and soul and he, he does that? He violates that trust in the deepest way possible. I was beyond disgusted. I couldn't get over this. I was still in love with him and I hated him, too.
Paige sat on her hands and rocked a little. I felt a cool breeze tug on my hair, caress my cheek. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Manny walking with Emma. I shouldn't blame her, either. It wasn't her, although she knew he was my boyfriend and she went after him like a Lolita. Still. Maybe she's in love, too. I tried not to judge Manny most days, although sometimes I want to claw her eyes out.
Paige was looking over at me with her classic Paige concern. That concern is all encompassing, filling her blue/green eyes. I smiled a little even though I felt like crying. I was glad that me and Paige found our way back to each other. Maybe that meant one day I could find my way back to Craig. Maybe.
I took a deep breath of the cold air. I noticed the shine of Paige's blond hair, the crisp blue of the sky all around us. I was noticing a lot of things. Everything seemed just a stage for all my sorrows. This set looks like a high school, this set looks like an auditorium filled with fidgety kids waiting for Christmas vacation and sitting through a bunch of cultural holiday bullshit. This set looks like one boy cheated on his girlfriend and was getting dumped in the hallway. Sigh. Nothing was real anymore.
I glanced over toward the school, past Paige, past the parking lot to the wide steps that lead right up to the front door. There he was, tall, his dark curly hair unruly and out of control. Even from this distance I could see the blue canvas of his sneakers, the fraying of his jeans. There he was, just like I knew he would be.