Disclaimer: Everything Twilight related belongs to SM, like usually.

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EPOV

Even if I had known for months now that I was attracted to men and women alike, my first encounter with a man had practically blown my head off. I had months to prepare myself after my realization hit, although the realization itself took me years to have. I had always been happily dating women, never wasting a second thought about it. On that fateful day twelve months ago my best friend Jasper had left for an one year internship in Spain, leaving me with my world crumbling around me.

In a slow, at times rather painful, process I had an epiphany about our friendship: All this time I thought that my protective feelings and loyalty towards him were simply a bond between best friends. To explore why I never felt the same way about any other of my male friends didn't enter my mind for years.

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(Flashback)

We were standing at the local airport, after hours of frantic packing, because Jasper needed to put it off to the last minute, the time to say good bye for a whole year was finally there.

"Stop worrying, Edward," Jasper chided me. "The plane won't crash, nobody will abduct me on my way and I'll be back in one piece in real short twelve months."

"Yes, I know.You told me at least a million times for days now," I replied.

"Because that frown seems to be constant on your face now. And neither do you have to worry about me being bored, I'm sure Spain has a lot of hot guys who wouldn't mind to entertain me for a while," he drawled, winking. He had come out to me shortly after his seventeenth birthday, right after the disastrous event of having sex for the first time, with a girl I might add. Only a few weeks later he told everyone else with me at his side to support him.

He considered himself gay, even though he had hit it off with women a couple of times after coming out. He always told me there were exceptions to every rule and that some woman simply attracted him but strangely he never even considered any closer relationships with them, for him it never went beyond attraction with them.

"That's not what I'm worried about and you know it, Jasper," I sighed.

"Oh? You aren't worried about those hot men snatching me from you?" He joked. "One could think that you have to say good bye to your lover with that frown imprinted on your face."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I know what a great chance it is and I'm very happy for you, but you ARE my best friend and it'll be weird without you around. After all you were always there for about all of my 22 year old life."

It was a great opportunity for him, he had been studying hard for his journalism degree while he never could decide between writing and photography, this internship would give him the chance to implore both a little more. He was about to answer me when the announcement for boarding his plane haled through the huge airport halls.

"Alright, it's time I suppose," he sighed and wrapped me in a huge hug. Some people were looking at us, not that I minded. I was used to Jasper showing his feelings no matter how positive or negative they were. He had done so since I knew him and was what made him understand other's feelings so well, I think.

His scent clouded my mind and in a haze I listened as he told me not to mope around or else Emmett, a mutual friend, would let him know and he'd kick my ass once he was back.

"Take care, Edward," he whispered, his voice breaking at the end of the sentence. Without another hesitation he turned around and headed to his gate.

"You, too Jasper," I whispered back to late and watched him take a piece of me with him, leaving me with a huge empty void inside me.

(End flashback)

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The first days after the scene at the airport I had been doing everything on auto-pilot. I had been visiting my classes, never truly participated though. My family, Jasper and music were always constants in my life, there had never been any doubt about my career choice. Working on my master degree in music, I had picked enough classes to keep me busy most of my days. I wasn't sure where exactly I was headed, composing was my passion, yet I could see myself teaching, too.

Nobody could make sense of my behaviour, not my parents nor my friends. They were clueless as how to act around me and even through my daze I could see how much I worried Esme, my mother. I tried to tough up my act around people, but obviously I had been pretty transparent, even to Jasper, who only read my replies to his daily e-mails.

When Jasper called me mere two weeks after he departed, only to threaten me, I knew just how much they all saw through me. He had threatened our friendship if I didn't get my shit together and made him come home. His sentiment was clear but I didn't truly believe his words. The worst about it probably was how clueless I had been, I couldn't tell why I acted this way.

After that call I had finally stopped operating on auto-pilot because I knew he'd make good on his threat and come home, I didn't want to be responsible for ruining this one time chance for the internship. I paid as much attention as possible to my classes and buried myself in the double of my usual work load. I kept on composing, even though it always felt like my pieces were missing something. I had to make this work though, if only to tell Jasper in my e-mails every day.

In the months he were gone I'd developed a severe case of insomnia, no matter how tired I always felt, I still often lay awake, wondering what Jasper was doing or why I had acted the way I did. The sleepy haze became a new constant in my life, effectively shutting out some of the never ending thought processes about Jasper and my weird reaction to his departure. Most people had stopped trying to draw me out, they never succeeded. Everyone but Carlisle, my father. He had approached me after maybe five months without Jasper.

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(Flashback)

"Edward, are you in trouble?" He asked cautiously.

I sighed, already knowing where this conversation was headed. "No, I'm fine, dad. Please don't worry, I just have a lot work to do."

"I know how much you work and it isn't the reason for this all," he paused, testing my reaction and continued only after he was satisfied that I wouldn't shut him out completely. "There are huge, dark circles under your eyes, you look like you might fall asleep any minute now and you didn't play the piano in this house for months. You always played at least one song for Esme whenever you visited."

"I don't sleep very well lately, that's probably all. There's no reason at all to worry."

"You can't be serious, son. You have been acting like a zombie, for lack of a better word, for months. Don't you think that maybe Jasper has something to do with this?" he asked nonchalantly.

Jasper had been a part of my life for so long, it was useless to deny that his departure had nothing to do with my behaviour. "Probably, I just can't seem to figure out what exactly it is."

"I think you do. You just don't realize it, maybe don't even want to."

"Just tell me what you want to say, Dad. I can tell that you want to," I told him.

Searching for words it took him quite the little while to answer, "You should come to the conclusion yourself, it's not really that hard to see son." He walked over to the shelves behind his desk and turned back towards me with a photo album in his hands. "Here, something to get you started."

"Thanks," I said quietly, not a single clue what he was going on about, then I saw the album was labeled "Edward & Jasper". In my hand I held the recollection of my childhood and youth and not only mine, Jasper's too. Our mom's had been best friends as long as I can think, the bond between all of us grew even stronger when Jasper's father died four years ago.

The first pictures showed Esme and Maria, Jasper's mom, with swollen bellies. The text underneath told me that Esme was in the 8th and Maria in the 6th month.

Following was a picture with Esme and Maria holding Jasper and me, cooing over us. Jasper was in Esme's arms, easily identified by the tuff of blonde hair, while Maria was holding me.

On the fourth picture were me and Jasper around two years old, I was pointing him my new toy car as he looked at me in wonder, his blonde hair stuck out every which way, not unlike my unruly bronze curls.

The next one showed us at three years. We were sitting on the beach building sand castles with our fathers, it had been our first vacation, alone as well as together. Joy on our young faces and pride in our father's eyes, I immediately decided to make a copy of this picture for Jasper, knowing he'd appreciate it.

The sixth picture was taken when we were around four years old. We were both bathed in baking powder and dough. Esme and Maria had attempted to let us help them bake but Jasper had sneezed into the baking powder, effectively covering me in it and making me cough like hell, which in turn covered us both even more in it.

The next was my favorite picture in the whole album. Jasper and I were around five in it, proudly showing of our broken arms, a large band-aid over his right eyebrow. I had broken my arm when we played racing on our bikes and was so sad when I heard that I couldn't play my piano that Jasper had decided to crash with his bike, too. It was an incredibly stupid thing to do, but I suppose in the logic of a five year old it was rather simple. Looking at the picture now my heart soared, he had risked his health in favor of my happiness.

Looking through the album holding one picture out of every new year of our lives, I couldn't stop the longing that burned inside me. It was the exact moment when it finally clicked: I didn't simply miss my best friend. I missed the person I could confide in, the one who'd all always put me on top of his priority list and was a part of my life even before we were born. I had taken his presence for granted, so much even that I overlooked my real feelings towards him. I didn't only long for my best friend anymore, but for the lover he could be to me.

"I knew that you would figure it out," Carlisle interrupted my musing, not able to completely hide the smugness in his voice. He looked utterly pleased, whether by making me see the reality or the conclusion itself.

"I'm in love with him," I whispered, trying out the words for the first time.

(End flashback)

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Not two minutes after my declaration I had freaked out completely. Lucky enough Carlisle had been there to calm me before I could totally lose it. He had reassured me that it had been okay to notice my feelings so late and that there wasn't anything bad about being gay. I can still see his comical expression when I told him that I wasn't gay. It was the truth though, I considered myself bi. While I was clearly in love with Jasper, I'd had great sex with women before. I found them attractive and after some more concluding I was convinced that both genders were attractive to me, but Jasper was the one I loved and no matter what that made me, it didn't change my feelings towards him.

There was an awkward distance between us since the night after the clubbing and I couldn't help but feel a little hurt by it and wondered where I went wrong with my conclusions. We had sex and he'd shown me through touches the same love I'd shown him, I couldn't comprehend where the problem was, but I knew I had to seek him out eventually to have that long overdue talk. It must've been confusing for him that I spent the night with him after being straight for the first 22 years of my life, I had to explain it.

The ringing of my cell phone brought me out of my thoughts and a glance at the display told me it was Alice.

"How come I haven't seen you in almost two weeks after that mysterious disappearance from the club?"

"Hello to you too, Alice," I replied. Alice wasn't someone to talk around things and it bothered her that Jasper and I made a secret departure from the club, even more it bothered her, that she didn't know where we went.

"Yeah, yeah. Edward I'm losing my patience here. What could have possibly made you two disappear on the evening we celebrated that Jasper was back and without saying a word to anybody?"

I sighed, she truly didn't get the concept that not everything was for her to know. She had been like this since I met in High School and usually it wouldn't bother me so much but this was something I had to talk about with Jasper before I told the rest of my friends. "I'm sorry Alice and I told you this before, but for now let it rest, please."

"It's driving me insane," she screeched and I had to suppress a chuckle. "Do you want me to be insane, Edward?"

"Of course not, Alice," You are insane already. The last part though I thought quietly to myself, no use in upsetting her any further, who knows how she might take revenge. A long sigh reached my ears and I couldn't help but chuckle. "Listen Alice, I promise to tell you once I've organized the mess of thoughts cursing through my brain. Can you live with that option?"

Another one of her highly depressed sighs, as if Alice truly knew how to be depressed. "Yes, fine, but you better hurry up. And by the way, lunch tomorrow at my place. Don't even dare to arrive any later than noon, the others already know."

And without waiting for my answer or even saying a good bye she had ended the call. That was Alice to you, always pushing and nosing around in other people's business. She meant well, I knew, but it didn't change that I had to talk to Jasper first. He had a right to know about my epiphany first. At least if you didn't count my parents, they were the ones to bring me to my conclusions though. Esme had been ecstatic, her best friends child and her son. That we both were men didn't seem to matter one bit.

And damn me if Alice wasn't a little, scheming pixie. She had invited our whole little group for lunch, Emmett and Rosalie, Bella and Seth, and Jasper of course. She couldn't help but meddle into other people's business which didn't mean that I didn't want to throttle her right now. If Jasper and I met tomorrow for lunch, our friends would without doubt notice the awkward silence. Now I was forced to talk to Jasper, at least if I didn't want to raise the suspicion of the rest of our friends and keep them out of this. Jasper must have come to the same conclusion because the beep of my cell had announced a text message from him.

We need to talk. I'll be over tonight. – J

Alright, there went my calm demeanor. The worry washed over me and I couldn't help the panic raising in me at an alarming rate. I could act like I had gotten his message too late and go out now, missing his visit. And while the coward in me wanted to choose exactly this route, I decided to stay. We needed to clear this for my sanity and for Alice's.

I should have explained my actions to him right when we woke up that fateful morning but I didn't want to tarnish our night together, I hadn't anticipated how much harder it would be to tell him about my motivations now. Since nobody found a way to change the past yet, I had to regain my calm. The last thing I needed was for him to think I was freaked about what happened.

Hoping that running might help, I jumped into a pair of sweats and plan black t-shirt, grabbed my iPod and keys and went for a run to the forest close to my house. This was one of the major reasons for buying this house: It was located a little out of town, close to the forest and I enjoyed the quiet without direct neighbors. Walks often helped me clearing my head in my breaks from composing and small gatherings with my friends never were a problem either, there was nobody around to complain if we got to loud.

The first 30 minutes I ran full speed, enjoying the exhilaration the speed produced and walked back to the house in a light jog afterwards. As nice as the run had been, I still had too much time on my hands before Jasper would arrive.

Before I could start to worry again, I started to shed my clothes and went for a hot shower. It relaxed my still tense muscles but as soon as the spray of water hit me, my brain was assaulted by images off Jasper in nothing but a towel. When he'd woken me up after spending the night together, he came fresh out of the shower, a towel low on his hips and a few water drops running down his torso. Within seconds I was painful aroused and still amazed by Jasper's power over my body even when he wasn't here right now. Visualizing the feel of his hands and tongue on my body and how beautiful he looked, hovering above me, I started to stroke myself.

Ever since I've had sex with Jasper the images came back to me, making me horny as hell. I'd never encountered this problem before, neither that I jerked off instead of finding a willing woman. I wasn't sure why those memories evoked such powerful emotions, I could only guess that they were triggered by my feelings towards Jasper. Never before had I had sex with someone I truly loved, it obviously left an impact.

Steadying myself with a hand against the shower wall I picked up my pace to the fantasies of Jasper moving within me, it triggered my orgasm faster than I'd anticipated as I came all over my hand and bathroom tiles.

After I was done showering, I wrapped a towel around my hips and wandered to my piano, my body still humming with energy from my release. Transfixed I starred at the white and black keys, if only everything in life would be as easy, black and white. With closed eyes I started to play to first notes and felt my mind being overtaken by the music. I didn't need to see the keys to know which ones to hit, it made relaxing so much easier, at least until I felt someone sit down next to me and without opening my eye I knew it was Jasper. His scent swirled around me and I could feel the last tension rush out of my body. He patiently waited until I was done with my song and opened my eyes to meet his azure blue gaze.

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AN:

Okay, after my One-Shot I came to the conclusion that it was rather hard to write without a plot (even more so because I couldn't decide on a pairing in the beginning, other than Jasper, and wrote from a neutral POV). All my thinking got me a whole plot and this is how it starts out.

Let me know your thoughts.

Love,

Sanny

P.S.: This isn't beta'd, let me know about errors and I'll correct them :o).