The Five Million Dollar Haircut
This is based on a really weird dream I had, plus I needed a break from my ongoing, seriously angsty fics. Hopefully you'll find it at least a little bit funny. This is AU in which Jack and Irina both work for the CIA. And yes, in case you're wondering, I do have a teeny-weeny little hair obsession going on, stemming from when I made the biggest mistake of my life and cut mine off last spring. For more on the subject, read my original short-short, Haircut.
Acknowledgements: I would like to thank the MST3000 robot for his assistance, even if he is a little annoying at times.
***
It was a dark and stormy night. ("Uh-huh, sure." "No, really, it was.") Irina Derevko Bristow looked out the window, adjusted her harness, and sighed. She climbed out the window onto the roof and slid along it until she reached her target: a large metal disk sticking up from the roof. As she pulled out her toolkit and began to work, she said to her husband over the comm., "Remind me again why I'm working on a large metal disk on the roof during a thunderstorm."
Jack answered, "Because Sydney wants to watch Dawson's Creek." ("Ooh, Dawson's Creek, I like that show." "Shush, I'm trying to write a story here.")
"Of course." She completed her adjustments. "How's that?"
There was a moment's pause. "Good."
Irina packed up her tools and made her way back to the house.
***
The next day at JTF.
Jack and Irina faced Dixon in his office. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," he said. "The Covenant has put a price on both your heads."
Irina raised an eyebrow. "How much?"
"Five million for you, one million for Jack."
Irina smirked. Jack glowered. "So the Covenant's trying to kill us. That's nothing new," Jack said sulkily. ("Is that a word?" "It is if I say it is." "Oh, okay.")
Dixon looked surprised. "Oh, no, they're not trying to kill you," he said. "The bounty is for your hair."
"Our hair?" Irina said, confused.
"Yes. From the chatter we've picked up, it seems they're jealous of your hair."
Irina tossed her head and twisted a strand of her long, silky chestnut hair around her finger. "Well, I can see why they're jealous of me, but Jack's hair?"
"Hey!" Jack said. "I happen to be rather fond of my hair."
Irina reached over and ran her fingers through Jack's hair. "Oh, there's nothing wrong with your hair. It just doesn't seem like it should be worth one million dollars."
Jack smiled and moved closer to her. "And yours is worth five million, huh?" he said, caressing the aforementioned long, silky chestnut hair. ("Hey, you're just jealous." "Yes I am.")
Irina leaned toward him. "I love it when you play with my hair," she said in a low, sultry voice.
"Mmm," was Jack's only reply as he planted his lips on hers. In moments, they were pressed up against the wall, their hands in places that they should not have been in public. ("What are you doing? You're not a smutwright! Stop that and get back to the story!" "Oh, sorry.")
Dixon cleared his throat. There was no response, so he cleared it again, more loudly. The couple in front of him broke apart guiltily. ("Guiltily? You really expect me to believe they're sorry?" "You're absolutely right." ) The couple in front of him broke apart, and Irina looked up at him innocently. "Oh, weren't we finished?" ("Much better." "Thank you.")
"Well, almost. I just wanted to warn you. So when you're out in public, you might want to, you know, wear a hat or something. Or a wig. I'll, um, leave you two alone." Dixon scurried from the room.
Irina looked at Jack and absentmindedly played with her hair. "You know, I have been thinking about a haircut. Do you think the Covenant would pay me five million dollars if I sent them the hair myself?"
A look of pure fury appeared on Jack's face. "Don't you dare," he said menacingly.
Irina stuck out her lower lip and pouted. ("Oh, wouldn't that be cute? Irina pouting, I can just see that.") "All right, if you insist, I won't cut my hair."
"Thank God." They returned to what they'd been doing before Dixon interrupted them.
***
This is based on a really weird dream I had, plus I needed a break from my ongoing, seriously angsty fics. Hopefully you'll find it at least a little bit funny. This is AU in which Jack and Irina both work for the CIA. And yes, in case you're wondering, I do have a teeny-weeny little hair obsession going on, stemming from when I made the biggest mistake of my life and cut mine off last spring. For more on the subject, read my original short-short, Haircut.
Acknowledgements: I would like to thank the MST3000 robot for his assistance, even if he is a little annoying at times.
***
It was a dark and stormy night. ("Uh-huh, sure." "No, really, it was.") Irina Derevko Bristow looked out the window, adjusted her harness, and sighed. She climbed out the window onto the roof and slid along it until she reached her target: a large metal disk sticking up from the roof. As she pulled out her toolkit and began to work, she said to her husband over the comm., "Remind me again why I'm working on a large metal disk on the roof during a thunderstorm."
Jack answered, "Because Sydney wants to watch Dawson's Creek." ("Ooh, Dawson's Creek, I like that show." "Shush, I'm trying to write a story here.")
"Of course." She completed her adjustments. "How's that?"
There was a moment's pause. "Good."
Irina packed up her tools and made her way back to the house.
***
The next day at JTF.
Jack and Irina faced Dixon in his office. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," he said. "The Covenant has put a price on both your heads."
Irina raised an eyebrow. "How much?"
"Five million for you, one million for Jack."
Irina smirked. Jack glowered. "So the Covenant's trying to kill us. That's nothing new," Jack said sulkily. ("Is that a word?" "It is if I say it is." "Oh, okay.")
Dixon looked surprised. "Oh, no, they're not trying to kill you," he said. "The bounty is for your hair."
"Our hair?" Irina said, confused.
"Yes. From the chatter we've picked up, it seems they're jealous of your hair."
Irina tossed her head and twisted a strand of her long, silky chestnut hair around her finger. "Well, I can see why they're jealous of me, but Jack's hair?"
"Hey!" Jack said. "I happen to be rather fond of my hair."
Irina reached over and ran her fingers through Jack's hair. "Oh, there's nothing wrong with your hair. It just doesn't seem like it should be worth one million dollars."
Jack smiled and moved closer to her. "And yours is worth five million, huh?" he said, caressing the aforementioned long, silky chestnut hair. ("Hey, you're just jealous." "Yes I am.")
Irina leaned toward him. "I love it when you play with my hair," she said in a low, sultry voice.
"Mmm," was Jack's only reply as he planted his lips on hers. In moments, they were pressed up against the wall, their hands in places that they should not have been in public. ("What are you doing? You're not a smutwright! Stop that and get back to the story!" "Oh, sorry.")
Dixon cleared his throat. There was no response, so he cleared it again, more loudly. The couple in front of him broke apart guiltily. ("Guiltily? You really expect me to believe they're sorry?" "You're absolutely right." ) The couple in front of him broke apart, and Irina looked up at him innocently. "Oh, weren't we finished?" ("Much better." "Thank you.")
"Well, almost. I just wanted to warn you. So when you're out in public, you might want to, you know, wear a hat or something. Or a wig. I'll, um, leave you two alone." Dixon scurried from the room.
Irina looked at Jack and absentmindedly played with her hair. "You know, I have been thinking about a haircut. Do you think the Covenant would pay me five million dollars if I sent them the hair myself?"
A look of pure fury appeared on Jack's face. "Don't you dare," he said menacingly.
Irina stuck out her lower lip and pouted. ("Oh, wouldn't that be cute? Irina pouting, I can just see that.") "All right, if you insist, I won't cut my hair."
"Thank God." They returned to what they'd been doing before Dixon interrupted them.
***