Hello, Brother Dear

It had been a slow day; the kind which had to be dragged kicking and screaming in order for it to end. She had no idea why her boss wanted his personal calls to be screened, but it seemed pointless. She had transcribed only two calls today, one a dentist appointment and the other something to do with a colonoscopy, and there was still another boring hour left of her shift. Maybe she should transfer to security; there had been a break-in at Baskerville earlier in the day, and they were stupidly busy with paperwork. She had just settled in for another nap when the phone rang. It took three rings for her to yelp into action. Click.

'Hello, Brother dear. How are you?'

'Sherlock, what in God's name do you think you are doing?!'

'Solving a case.'

'By breaking into the most secure facility in Britain?! I could have you arrested!'

'Asking nicely would have taken too long. And we both know that you wouldn't.'

'Why shouldn't I?'

'Mummy would get dreadfully cross, and you can't have that.'

'You started it.'

'Hardly; you were born first.'

'Yes, but I never upset her.'

'No; I suppose you covered that up quite well. But then again, I'm not the one who is an expert in professional brown-nosing. That must be why you are having you anal examination tomorrow, am I correct?'

'I refuse to answer that.'

[PAUSE]

'What do you want, Sherlock?'

'I need to get back into Baskerville to perform some tests. This is me asking nicely.'

'And this would be me responding. No.'

'There is a potentially dangerous threat, Mycroft.'

'I do not have to assure you, of all people, that we know about everything which goes on in our facility.'

'I'll warrant that you don't. And this is quite a significant security breach.'

'Aside from my own brother breaking and entering like a common thief, I assume. Care to divulge?'

'No. Do I have access?'

'How can I allow you anything if you will not inform me of the nature of the issue?'

'Fine; I'll just have to tell Mummy what really happened in Amsterdam.'

'A low blow, even for you, Sherlock. Does she know about your latest stint in rehab?'

'No, but she would not be surprised. Revelations about Amsterdam would appear far more appalling.'

'How long do you need?'

'Give me twenty-four hours with full access privileges. I want every room and every locked door.'

'But that is preposterous! You know full well that I –.'

'I've still got the photographs.'

'Agreed, then.'

'Thank you.'

'I want the pass returned to my hand, of course.'

'Why bother? You have twelve hundred more stashed around the country in some lax vision of national security. And by the way, might I congratulate the pitiful underling whom you have assigned to transcribe your calls; you must have irritated my brother something proper in order to receive this assignment. Don't think I didn't notice the recording sound, Mycroft! Well, just to reassure you, Mycroft's minion, my brother is an arrogant prick. Say hello to the rest of the government for me. Byeeeeeeee!'

Click.

Sometimes she hated the Official Secrets Act.

Finis

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