A Recurring Nightmare
It was not a new dream to him. He'd had it plenty of times before, but it didn't stop it from coming again. He'd lain in bed that evening, allowing the waves of sleep to wash over him. His eyelids had grown heavier and heavier and he could feel his own breathing relax. He knew at that moment, just in the moment of perfect bliss, that the dream was coming, but he didn't stop it or try and wake himself up. He'd had the dream too many times before to care.
It had been the worst day of his life. It was a summer's day, and after his Defence Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. most of their year had gone down to the lake to relax in the basking sun. He remembered how the sun had felt against his pale waxen skin when he first stepped outside the castle's front doors. He smiled as the warmth spread over him.
"Come on, Sev!"
He looked around to see Sirius Black waiting impatiently for him, with Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew standing behind him, all looking expectantly at him. There was a split second where he stared in surprise and confusion at Sirius, expecting to see his face staring in disgust at him. Instead a broad grin met his eyes as well as a wink. Severus smiled back at him as he remembered properly: he and Sirius had been best friends since first year. How could he have forgotten? Severus almost let out a snort of laughter at his stupidity and then moved to walk beside Sirius, leading the other two boys away from the castle. He glanced down at his robes, his red and gold tie was still neatly tucked in and he looked proudly at the Gryffindor emblem of a lion. Severus looked over at a group of girls in their year and spotted Lily, the only one that seemed so completely and utterly alive to Severus. She smiled brightly at him, her emerald eyes shining and her dark red hair being elegantly brushed back by the wind. He grinned back at her. His and Lily's friendship had grown stronger when they'd come to Hogwarts. They'd been sorted into the same house and had sat next to each other in every class. They were still very good friends, but had stretched out to other groups, Lily had her giggles with the other girls and Severus had a good time joking around with Sirius, Remus and Peter, but they still almost always found time to sit with each other, settle down in the common room and study, or just talk.
So both groups had set off to the lake, though separately. The girls moved over to wade in the shallow edge of the lake where the water was clear and perfect like the summer day. The girls splashed the small glistening beads at each other and laughed, throwing back their hair and giggling, attempting to wind down after the hellish exams. Severus settled under a tree, chatting about their exam they'd just had. He pulled a few strands of grass out of the ground as he talked and twiddled them in his fingers, wondering what he could do to make them more interesting. He thought of Lily's deep red hair and how alive it looked as she tossed it back going to kick another thousand beads at her friend. Severus enchanted the grass to shoot up from the ground and explode like miniature fireworks, alive and burning. Peter watched delighted as Remus bent his head over a book. Severus ignored Peter's squeals and instead looked over at the group of girls, wondering when he'd be able to talk to Lily again. He spotted another group of boys sitting a while away from them, mainly Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws from their year. Severus watched as all but one of them stood up.
"You coming, James?" one asked.
The one boy still sitting down shook his head.
"Nah, you lot go on without me, I'll see you later."
Severus watched as James Potter leaned back and pulled a small golden ball out of his pocket: the snitch from the last Quidditch match. The hand grasping the ball let it go for a split second, and it flew a few feet away before it was caught again. Severus snorted. James Potter was a fellow Gryffindor, but they didn't get along very well. Potter had been an arrogant idiot in first and second year, constantly showing off to everyone, but no one really paid much attention. There were a few girls who swooned over him finding the way he tousled up his hair attractive, but apart from that it was about all people took notice of him. After a while he'd died down a bit, since he'd not made friends with Severus and the rest of them, instead choosing to hang out with boys from the other Houses or members of the Quidditch team from other years (who were just as obsessed with the game as he was). Severus watched as Potter fiddled with the snitch in his fingers, deep in thought. Sirius followed Severus's gaze, then turned back to Severus grinning.
"Look who it is…" Sirius breathed with delight.
"Hey, Snotter!" Severus called out.
Potter whipped his head around to see the two boys watching him. He turned away again and stowed the snitch inside his pocket quickly before standing up and making to leave, looking a little tired, as though he was too worn out to deal with him today.
"Leaving us already?" Sirius mocked surprise. "But the party's just starting!"
Potter tried to ignore them but Severus jumped up and pulled out his wand. He could see Potter make the same motion but he'd been too slow.
"Expelliarmus!" Severus yelled and Potter's wand flew straight into the air.
Severus laughed as he heard Potter swear. "Now, now, remember your language!"
Severus shot another spell at Potter who dodged it and tried edging closer towards his wand. It was a wasted attempt as Severus easily managed to knock him back onto the ground in the next second. Severus looked around; his audience was mainly Peter who looked delighted to be entertained. Remus ignored what they were doing, or was at least trying to, his eyes focused on his book, not daring to move them. Severus felt a little disappointed that there weren't more people to watch Potter struggle on the ground, but he could see that the girls by the lake were turning around seeming to take an interest in what he was doing. He brushed his air out of his face quickly and started jeering at Potter, laughing as his glasses started slipping off his face. The girls had rushed over to see what was happening, Lily practically leading the way. They reached the boys quickly.
"Hi Lily!" Severus grinned at her.
Lily looked down at Potter as Severus flicked his wand and Potter flipped over, groaning.
"Sev…" Lily muttered to him, her eyes looking pitingly down at the struggling boy. "Stop it!"
She requested it softly and Severus's heart moved slightly with her words. He loved it when she spoke like that. However, he wasn't about to give in just yet and instead laughed and shot a couple more spells at Potter.
"Relax Lily, its just Potter!" he grinned.
Peter cheered him on and Severus carried on proudly, a glad there was a bigger audience now. Lily had stepped back from him sharply and then drew her wand and stood in front of Potter.
"Leave him alone!" she cried defiantly.
"Lily?" Severus stared at her, shocked. He watched as she undid his jinxes and Potter moved to a sitting up position, trying quickly to brush the grass off of his clothes. Severus watched as Potter moved closer to his wand and he instinctively knocked him back again, Potter flew several feet into the air and landed with a grunt on the ground.
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily yelled, pointing her wand at Severus now. "What's he ever done to you? Apart from being a bit of a twat in first year he's been perfectly nice to you since, and all you do is poke fun at him!"
"Bu-" Severus began.
Lily cast a disarming charm at Severus, and he felt his wand leave his hands and fly away. He looked at her shocked. They were friends, best friends! Why was she defending Potter? Severus watched as Potter managed to grab his wand. Severus tensed, ready to jump out of the way when Potter sent a curse at him. Instead, Potter just shoved his wand in his robes as Lily swooped down on him.
"Are you okay?" Severus heard her ask him.
"I'm fine," Potter muttered as he stood up, apparently reasonably unharmed.
Potter went to walk away but Lily blocked him again.
"Are you sure, do you need me to help yo-" Lily went to place a hand on his arm
"No! Leave me alone!" Potter shrugged her arm off.
Severus tensed as he saw Potter's mouth open again to say another sentence. He waited to hear the dreaded word to come. The unforgivable word. The one Severus knew would destroy any kind of relationship or kindness from Lily.
"I don't need help from you!" Potter stalked away up to the castle without another word.
Severus gaped open mouthed. He'd been waiting for a word that never came. He stood staring, he'd been so sure that Potter was going to call her a… but he hadn't. Why hadn't he? This was wrong. Something was wrong. Severus glanced back at Sirius who was looking at Severus strangely now as though he'd only just realised who he was. Severus turned to see Lily. Lily stood with a furious expression on her face, her red hair whipping around her face, even though she was so angry, she was still so enchantingly beautiful.
"Lily, we're best friends!" Severus insisted as Lily threw a filthy look at him.
"We were," she shook her head at him. "You've changed, Severus."
She turned her head back to watch Potter's retreating back. She stole once glance back at Severus before chasing after Potter.
"James?" she called as she ran after him.
"Lily?" she was leaving him.
"Lily?" she was trying to get away, she was running away, out of his reach.
"Lily?" she ignored him, he was losing her.
"LILY?" he screamed after her.
He woke up screaming her name, gasping in bed, a hand reaching out, desperately trying to reach her. He breathed deeply, his gasping breath rattling in the cold air. His hand clenched at emptiness and he slowly retrieved his arm. He lay back down on his bed, the cold and emptiness gnawing away at his heart. No matter how much he wished, or how much he believed the word that he knew would come never did. Never in the dream. It always ended the same way, like in real life:
The red hair escaping from him and instead entwining with raven black; the broken heart; the pain; the regret; and the lonely man clutching at the dark.