Feel Something
It's not that I'm obsessed. Thanks just what they think. And anyway, what would it matter if I was? It's to protect them. To save them from their own foolishness. Because they're so blind to the danger. Just so blind.
But I'm not. Not after what we've been through. Not after what I've seen. Because it opened my eyes. I feel like I've been to the end of the world and back. I've wrestled with my demons and lived. I've seen enough to know that I failed. Failed miserably. I don't care what they say. They don't know. It was my duty…my job…my responsibility…
I'll never let that happen again. I've seen what can happen when I slack, and it won't happen again. I won't let it. It can't get that far again. It can't.
These thoughts should feel fulfilling. But they're not. Nobody believes that it's what I have to do. Raph doesn't know that I heard him and Donnie talking in his room last night.
"What is wrong with him?"
"I'm not sure. But something's up."
"Well, I've had about enough of it."
"He's not himself, that's the truth."
"He's just so…so cold."
Cold. To my brothers, I'm cold. That alone hurts. But what's worse is they're right. To feel is to hurt. I've hurt enough. She hurt me. I dared to believe in trust. And look what it got me.
I tried to forget. But I can't. Maybe I could if my shoulder didn't throb with every step. Maybe I could if my skin didn't ache from being exposed to the open air.
I've buried myself. I've become numb. I've become cold. I've never been iced before. And I don't like it. I hate it. But I see no other route. No other escape. I don't want to remember. This new me is tougher, safer. Even if I hate it. I don't want to be cold.
I wanna feel something
There's no other way. I've felt too much. I've become unfeeling, lost, emotionless.
Somethin
that's a real somethin
That moves me, that proves to me I'm
still alive
I wanna heart that beats and bleeds
A heart
that's bustin at the seams
I wanna care, I wanna cry, I wanna
scream
I just wanna feel something
There's just so much risk. So much danger. I've seen it. I've seen it all. And I never want to fail it again.
I was supposed to be there for my family. I was supposed to be the protector. Me.
Their words echo in my head. "You couldn't. There was nothing you could have done."
To me, that's junk. You can get better. Isn't it said that you're never too old to learn? So I can get better. I can learn to be better.
We weren't ready for what we faced on that ship. How could we be? We'd never faced anything like that before. Like him. Like her.
And
I felt it somewhere in my soul and time stood still and I couldn't
let go.
I can't tell you cause I don't know how I got so
cold.
When did I get so cold?
I wanna feel. I really do.
But I can't.
She made me this way.
Her.
And I'll never take that risk again.