Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!
Matt Frewer, as Dr. Mike Stratford in "Doctor, Doctor"

Dying of boredom wasn't something Rodney had to worry about in the Pegasus Galaxy, although there had been times in Siberia when Rodney had been certain that either the boredom or the cold was going to get him. He just knew that some day one of his minions was going to find him in his lab, frozen like a popsicle–his wrists slit with a rusty paperclip.

Sometimes he even missed those days.

Like today, when he had been tied to a stake by natives who wanted to eat his brain in order to share his knowledge. Rodney had tried to explain to them that it didn't work like that, but of course that they didn't believe. Yeah, sure they believed him when he said that he was the smartest man in two galaxies. But when Rodney tried to explain that you couldn't share someone's knowledge by eating their brain? They just smiled politely and continued tightening the bonds securing him to their sacrificial stake.

It was just his luck that they met the natives who worshipped the god of all knowledge on the eve of their yearly feast and ritual sacrifice. Some other sap was going to get to live another year because Rodney McKay couldn't keep his mouth shut about how smart he was. Usually people just rolled their eyes at him or told him to shut up when he told them about his genius. These people bowed low and offered to show him their greatest treasures. And he'd fallen for it.

Rodney tugged on the ropes again, knowing that nothing had changed in the 15 seconds since he'd tried them last, but he had to make the effort anyway. The chanting of the natives as they prepared for the ritual where they sliced him open and ate his brain was about to drive him insane and he wondered frantically where the rest of his team was. The natives had led them away when they offered to show Rodney their temple, offering the rest of the team a place to rest and relax. John really hadn't wanted to let Rodney go alone, but Rodney had insisted.

"What's the worst they could do, Colonel? Look at them, they're harmless." The villagers had appeared so disarmingly simple and peaceful that Sheppard had nodded at last, albeit reluctantly, and let the villagers lead Rodney in one direction and the rest of the team in another. That was the last Rodney had seen of them. It had been hours before. Anything could have happened to them since then. But Rodney wasn't going to think that. The natives didn't want to eat their brains so obviously they were safe and well. Just delayed. Rodney kept telling himself that.

And he swore to himself if he survived the situation, he'd never go anywhere again without at least one of his team mates at his side ever again. He'd even suffer Sheppard saying, "I told you so," as long as he showed up while Rodney still had his brain in his head.

Of course, he had to make it out alive first and that was looking doubtful as more of the villagers showed up with pointy knives in their hands. They would cast a longing glance in Rodney's direction before joining the circle around the fire, thrusting their knives into the flames to purify it or some such nonsense so he wouldn't get an infection from a dirty blade when they ate his brain.

The sad thing was, this wasn't even the worst way they'd found to die in the Pegasus Galaxy.

From the moment he stepped through the gate into Atlantis, it felt almost as if the Pegasus Galaxy had it out for him. He hadn't died a horrible death by drowning yet, although that had been the fate of Rodney V1.0 in the alternate timeline that brought them the 10,000-year-old Elizabeth Weir. He had thought history was going to repeat itself and it would be his ultimate end when his puddle jumper crashed in the ocean until Sheppard managed to make a daring last-minute rescue. Rodney would never tell him, but he loved John Sheppard a little for that.

Then there was the Wraith. Having your life sucked out of you in a matter of minutes was a truly horrifying way to die. Watching Brendan Gaul die slowly after the Wraith had fed on him had been terrifying. Of course, watching it happen to Sheppard had been even worse because Rodney just kept remembering Brendan and hearing that gun go off in his head. It frightened Rodney to think that Sheppard might take that way out, too, if he thought his team might not make it to rescue him. The fact that the Wraith had returned Sheppard's life to him didn't really make the entire situation any less frightening; it just meant that it could happen again.

Pegasus had its share of macabre ways to die.

The thing that attached itself to Sheppard's neck on one of their first missions still featured in Rodney's nightmares. He would wake up in his bed gasping and shaking from the nightmare where the Iratus bug attached itself to his body after draining Sheppard dry.

There were the more mundane ways to die, too, ways that Rodney was well acquainted with because of his work. Death from radiation exposure was not pleasant and was a long, drawn-out affair. He'd much prefer to just be blown up and be done with it.

He had been sure he was going to die when he took the over-dose of the Wraith enzyme. His heart had beat too fast and he could feel the blood pumping through his veins. But then the withdrawal had hit, and he distinctly remembered begging Carson to kill him.

Carson. God, Carson.

Rodney didn't have many regrets in his life. But he would regret not going fishing with Carson for the rest of his life. To think that death by explosive tumor was even possible was just almost more than his brain could get around. To know that it had killed Carson hurt more than he had ever known anything could hurt in his life.

Except for maybe having your brain cut into bite-sized pieces and shared as finger food at the feast.

It really was time for Sheppard and the rest of the team to show up.

They were cutting their daring, last-minute rescue kind of close. Of course that was kind of what they specialized in. They were always leaving things until the last minute. Rodney hadn't been in any danger from the nanovirus that was accidently unleashed on the city (although he'd been pretty sure he was dying up all the way up until the time that he didn't), but it would have killed a large part of their population. It was only Sheppard's detonation of an atomic bomb creating an EM pulse within Atlantis that destroyed the nanites at the last minute. Radek was still overly fond of Sheppard because of that.

Death by volcano had been a very real threat until Rodney had come up with his genius plan of opening a hyperspace window so they could jump into space before they could be incinerated. Incineration was high on his list of least-favorite ways to die. Not that there was any good ways. He stayed awake nights trying to figure out how to live forever. He really thought that as an ascended Ancient he might have managed it. The only downside to that plan was that he had to die first. And he was never good at playing by the rules. He was pretty sure the Ancients would have kicked him back to human form, but with his luck, they would have probably sent him to a Wraith-infested planet to await rescue by Sheppard and Company.

Who were really taking entirely too long to show up. Rodney was definitely ready to be rescued. He might even be grateful if his team showed up any time before the friendly natives sliced his head open and started scooping out his brain with a melon scoop. And that was a visual he just didn't need.

He tugged at his bonds, and his wrists were getting pretty abraded. The pain shot through him as the rope rubbed against raw flesh. He moaned and tried not to panic more than he already was.

When it came right down to it, there really there wasn't any good way to die. Whether it was from the more mundane things he had to fear like citrus, or something more exotic like flying darkness, or having Cadman in his head (because that just made him want to kill himself), or even having Sheppard kill him in his dreams, the Pegasus Galaxy had shown him that he was just too limited in how he thought about death back on Earth.

There was probably still hundreds of way that he could die in Pegasus, if he only lived through the scenario currently being played out.

The natives were now chanting, the words a weird, mixed-up rhythm that served to ratchet up the fear he was feeling even more. Hadn't these people thought about drugging their victims? If he was high out of his mind, he might even welcome what was going to happen. At least he might not mind it quite so much.

They were waving their sacrificial knives now, the firelight catching on the blades and it was all that Rodney could see. It was eerily hypnotic knowing that those blades were going to be slicing into his flesh, cutting away at him. Inanely he hoped that the blades were sharp.

"Hey, buddy," Sheppard's voice in his ear startled him so much that he almost cried out. It was only Teyla's hand over his mouth that kept him from ruining his own rescue.

"What took you so long?" he hissed at them as soon as she took her hand away.

"Well, in case you didn't notice, there's a lot of them and only a few of us. We had to wait until they were involved enough in their little ritual before we could get you out without all of them seeing us. How are you doing?"

Ronon was cutting the bonds that had secured him. Once he was released, Rodney tipped sideways, shaking in reaction. Sheppard steadied him with a hand to his shoulder.

"Did they hurt you?" Teyla asked, her eyes reflecting her worry.

They hadn't hurt him, no. The natives wanted their sacrifice to be perfect when they presented him to their god. But Rodney couldn't get the words out of his mouth. The world was spinning around him now and the firelight was sparkling with glowy lights. Rodney's knees gave out on him, but Sheppard caught him before he hit the ground.

"Hold on there, McKay. I think he's going into shock." Rodney didn't know who Sheppard was talking about. He was the only sacrifice and they hadn't hurt him at all.

"Let's get him out of here, and then we can figure out what's wrong with him," Ronon said, ever practical, with a nod to the chanting villagers. They were still waving their knives in the air in intricate patterns, slashing it down and Rodney had a weird vision of the knives slicing into his brain.

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan." Sheppard took an arm and draped it over his shoulder. "Come on, McKay, give me some help here."

They began to edge out of the temple toward the little side door that Sheppard and Teyla and Ronon had used to enter. They almost made it when there was a cry from behind them indicating that their escape had been noticed.

"Go!" Sheppard shouted as he and Teyla set themselves to cover their retreat.

Ronon scooped Rodney up over his shoulder like he was a sack of potatoes. He wanted to protest, but there was no time as they were running for the jumper and safety, the natives following after them, screaming and throwing their knives. For a long time all there was was the odd thump, thump, thump of Ronon running and Rodney jolting on his shoulder, the weapons fire all around him as Sheppard and Teyla covered their six.

It was surreal and mostly Rodney was concerned that he was going to throw up all over Ronon. The big guy wouldn't like that, Rodney was certain, so he did his best to control it. But it was hard with the constant jab of Ronon's shoulder right into his queasy stomach every time Ronon took a step. So, it was really Ronon's fault when Rodney lost the battle and threw up all over the big guy's back. But Ronon never paused, he just growled when he felt Rodney heaving and kept running.

Rodney would have liked to have known if they made it, but he was pretty sure they didn't because the darkness came to enfold him and that was all he knew.

It was the voices that wake him, Sheppard and the new doctor – Keller.

"Is he going to be alright, doc?" the Sheppard voice asked.

"Yes," the Keller voice answered. "He was a little shocky when you brought him in, but he'll be fine."

Rodney thought she was nice enough, but she wasn't Carson. Rodney always felt better when he knew it was Carson taking care of him. Which would have made Carson laugh if he knew Rodney thought that. He'd given Carson hell about medicine not being a real science for so long. But the man had a hell of a bed-side manner. When he told you you were going to be fine, you believed him.

But Carson wasn't ever going to tell anyone that again.

"Hey, you back with us, sleeping beauty?" Sheppard poked a finger into Rodney's sensitive side and Rodney moaned and wiggled away.

"Hey, dying man here," he snapped, opening his eyes to find himself, yes, in the infirmary. He was surprised to find there was only one IV and he wasn't attached to any machines. He'd been almost certain he'd died. He was immeasurably grateful to find that his brain was still firmly inside his head where it was supposed to be.

"Not today, McKay," Sheppard said cheerfully, although his sharp-eyed gaze taking in Rodney's condition said he had been worried, too. "According to the doc you fainted because of something called acute stress reaction." Sheppard rocked back on his heels, waiting for Rodney's response.

He didn't have to wait long. "What? I didn't faint; I passed out from shock and… stuff. She said that, I was shocky. You try being tied up all day with no food and water and see if you just walk away. Besides, how is she a doctor anyway? She's barely old enough to buy alcohol in most states." Rodney glared up at Sheppard daring the man to contradict him with his sharp gaze and knowing grin.

Sheppard threw up his hands and backed off a little, "Hey, I'm just telling you what she said, but yeah," his face crumpled a little for just a second showing his fear before the smirk was firmly back in place, "you scared us there for a minute. We rescued you as quick as we could, you know. We didn't leave you tied up there to be mean." The smirk widened a little, "But now that I think about it, it is a good way to keep you in one place."

"Oh, don't even think about it, Colonel Hairboy," Rodney snarked back, their easy banter making him feel better than whatever Keller had put into his IV. "At least you made it, although you'd better watch out next time you need rescuing."

"Nah," Sheppard patted his shoulder, "you know you can't help yourself. You like rescuing me."

And god help him, he did like rescuing Sheppard. Rodney had never been the guy who saved the day before coming to the Pegasus Galaxy and he liked the warm feeling of satisfaction he got when he knew that he was responsible for saving someone's life, especially Sheppard's. And Sheppard showed his appreciation in tangible ways – like giving Rodney his dessert on those nights when there was warm brownies or snagging an extra bowl of the blue jello when he thought Rodney might not make it to the mess hall in time before they ran out. That was real gratitude.

Rodney worried at the tape holding the IV in place on the back of his hand, "I really thought this was it. I thought I was going to die this time," he told Sheppard like it was a confession.

Sheppard's eyes narrowed as he took in Rodney's all too serious tone and mood. "This time?"

Rodney looked up at him then, "You've got to admit, we do have an awful lot of close calls. Our luck's going to run out someday."

Sheppard ran a hand through his hair, making it, if anything, more disheveled than it already was. "Look, Rodney, luck has nothing to do with it. You're always telling us how much of a genius you are, but sometimes I think you're an idiot, too."

Rodney forgot to be afraid in the face of Sheppard's outrageous comment. "What? I'll have you know…"

"No, you just listen to me, Rodney. It's not good luck that gets us out of those situations; it's your brains and my good planning." His smirk was back.

"Oh, please," Rodney rolled his eyes, "it's your planning that's almost gotten us killed a half a dozen times. It's my brain that's kept us alive all this time."

"Exactly," Sheppard agreed. Rodney was silent trying to decide if Sheppard had just said that Rodney was responsible for saving them most of the time. "Besides death doesn't want us. We're too much trouble. We'd figure out how to beat his game and then he'd be out of a job."

In the face of Sheppard's overwhelming confidence, Rodney couldn't remember why he'd been so upset. "Well, alright then," he said.

"So, you ready to get out of here?" Sheppard asked with a grin.

"What?" Rodney shrank back against the pillow, one hand held protectively over the IV port in his hand. "I was just at death's door. I'm sure I couldn't possibly leave yet."

Sheppard smirked down at him, "And they serve you the blue jello while you're in here?" he asked in a knowing tone.

Rodney swept the infirmary with his gaze making sure none of the nurses were in earshot, "If you must know, they do. Now, go get my laptop so I can get some work done."

Sheppard quirked a brow, then he sketched a salute and with an ironic, "Yes, sir," he turned and left to get Rodney's laptop.

Closing his eyes, Rodney drifted back toward sleep. As he lay there, not quite asleep, but not awake either, Rodney thought he heard a deathly voice whisper into his ear, "Why would I want to take you, Dr. McKay? You're much too good for business."

A/N: With thanks to my beta chocolatephysicist for her comments and suggestions, they always make my stories better. Any mistakes remaining are my own.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis and it's characters don't belong to me, but that's alright as long as I can take them out and play with them every now and then. I do try and put them back (almost) as I found them.